Is your DH capable of caretaking?

[Anonymous]

S/O of the incapable thread:

When my DH is sick or has had surgery, I prep him meals in advance, put on fresh sheets, make sure he has phone chargers, buy snacks he likes, his favorite flavor of Gatorade, etc. I keep the house running quietly in the background so he can recover.

I have a slightly scary outpatient surgery under general anesthesia coming up this week. It was scheduled without my input because of covid constraints and I cannot postpone it. It will take me out anywhere from a few days to 6 weeks depending on incision depth, what they find, and how I heal.

I have been scrambling to get the kid stuff prepared in advance, the house clean and organized, and the usual weekly chores and errands dealt with ahead of time. But as I’ve been hustling around tonight, I walked my my DH just sitting and watching football with not a care in the world. It’s reminding me of when I had my baby and how useless and self-centered he was then. It was such a stressful time but I had no choice but to power through because I had an infant relying on me. Against my better judgement, I asked my DH tonight if he had a plan for meals, feeding me, chores, kid activity schedule, school lunches, etc. He looked at me blankly and then said “tell me what I have to do” and then got grouchy when I said that I was too tired give him a meal plan and menu and that it felt like I had to take care of everything..

I am drowning in things I have to get done to be able to even take time off for this surgery and I’m realizing that he isn’t capable of taking care of me- not just physically but he doesn’t have the executive functioning skills or motivation to figure out how to. We don’t have relatives who are young enough to fly out and help keep the house running. My local friends are: in daycare quarantine, dealing with a spouse or parent’s death (2) , or actively getting treatment for cancer (3, no joke) so it would be insane to ask them for help. Part of the reason I have to have this surgery is because I didn’t heal properly after childbirth because I didn’t stay off my feet and rest. A friend said her medical insurance once covered a visiting caretaker, but she had to certify that she lived alone and it was at least 10 years ago. My friends in the UK stay in the hospital 2-3 days for similar surgeries and have visiting nurses at home who follow up. I can’t find anything similar through our insurance and we couldn’t afford it out of pocket.

Has anyone been in this situation? Obviously divorce will not be especially helpful at this juncture, but other than that, what can I do to get him to be proactive and care? How do I recover if I don’t have someone to take care of me? I’m suddenly realizing how alone I’ll be in my recovery and I’m freaked out.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, this is worst fear with covid. Who would take care of me if I got super sick and was bed bound? I think he could manage to keep the kids alive and run the dishwasher and washing machine, but I am not confident in his nursing skills.

[Anonymous]

No he’s not. Supervised visitation.

[Anonymous]

What does he say when you explain this to him?

[Anonymous]

How old are your kids? How long do you expect your recovery to be?

[Anonymous]

My spouse would be just fine: maybe a little more pizza delivery and a little less dishes and laundry than me, but probably less stressed and more fun. However, we are a 2 woman couple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, this is worst fear with covid. Who would take care of me if I got super sick and was bed bound? I think he could manage to keep the kids alive and run the dishwasher and washing machine, but I am not confident in his nursing skills.

OP here. I know you didn’t mean it that way but you made me laugh because when I had Covid, it was so early on that DH was still traveling and my child actually took care of me.

I forgot about the washing machine. He’ll run it, but that’s it. Now I’m adding mildewing load of laundry to the list of things I’ll have to micromanage or proactively prevent from bed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are your kids? How long do you expect your recovery to be?

7.

Minimum: 3 days in bed and weeks before I’m back to doing chores and anything more than light walking.
Moderately bad: 1 week in bed and 4-6 weeks before I’m back to light stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does he say when you explain this to him?

He got grouchy and told me I should just tell him everything he should do. To me that’s exhausting and would be ok for a teenage babysitter who’s never been to our house, but my husband? For weeks?! I feel hurt that he isn’t motivated to take care of me and said so. He said “well how am I supposed to feel?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:S/O of the incapable thread:

When my DH is sick or has had surgery, I prep him meals in advance, put on fresh sheets, make sure he has phone chargers, buy snacks he likes, his favorite flavor of Gatorade, etc. I keep the house running quietly in the background so he can recover.

I have a slightly scary outpatient surgery under general anesthesia coming up this week. It was scheduled without my input because of covid constraints and I cannot postpone it. It will take me out anywhere from a few days to 6 weeks depending on incision depth, what they find, and how I heal.

I have been scrambling to get the kid stuff prepared in advance, the house clean and organized, and the usual weekly chores and errands dealt with ahead of time. But as I’ve been hustling around tonight, I walked my my DH just sitting and watching football with not a care in the world. It’s reminding me of when I had my baby and how useless and self-centered he was then. It was such a stressful time but I had no choice but to power through because I had an infant relying on me. Against my better judgement, I asked my DH tonight if he had a plan for meals, feeding me, chores, kid activity schedule, school lunches, etc. He looked at me blankly and then said “tell me what I have to do” and then got grouchy when I said that I was too tired give him a meal plan and menu and that it felt like I had to take care of everything..

I am drowning in things I have to get done to be able to even take time off for this surgery and I’m realizing that he isn’t capable of taking care of me- not just physically but he doesn’t have the executive functioning skills or motivation to figure out how to. We don’t have relatives who are young enough to fly out and help keep the house running. My local friends are: in daycare quarantine, dealing with a spouse or parent’s death (2) , or actively getting treatment for cancer (3, no joke) so it would be insane to ask them for help. Part of the reason I have to have this surgery is because I didn’t heal properly after childbirth because I didn’t stay off my feet and rest. A friend said her medical insurance once covered a visiting caretaker, but she had to certify that she lived alone and it was at least 10 years ago. My friends in the UK stay in the hospital 2-3 days for similar surgeries and have visiting nurses at home who follow up. I can’t find anything similar through our insurance and we couldn’t afford it out of pocket.

Has anyone been in this situation? Obviously divorce will not be especially helpful at this juncture, but other than that, what can I do to get him to be proactive and care? How do I recover if I don’t have someone to take care of me? I’m suddenly realizing how alone I’ll be in my recovery and I’m freaked out.

Kids can buy lunch at school.

Dinner can be take out decided day of.

Chores - what needs to get done, will get done by natural consequences.

While it would be nice if it is how you would do it, let the chips fall where they may. Your kids also sound young so if they miss their activities, they miss their activities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does he say when you explain this to him?

He got grouchy and told me I should just tell him everything he should do. To me that’s exhausting and would be ok for a teenage babysitter who’s never been to our house, but my husband? For weeks?! I feel hurt that he isn’t motivated to take care of me and said so. He said “well how am I supposed to feel?”

That sucks, but explain your feelings about this to him when you are both calm and rested.

[Anonymous]

My husband is the same way. He also didn't know how to care for me after our children were born and isn't the most thoughtful person.

If I am direct with my needs and write out a list - he is able to do it. If that doesn't work and you all have the means, I would: 1. Order meal prep kits 2. Hire a cleaner to come weekly 3. Don't sweat the small things -as long as your child is being fed and you have groceries - I would turn a blinds eye to mess and chores and focus on your recovery 4.Or if worse comes to worse, can you visit family for a week while you recover?

[Anonymous]

How old your kids are will help us give advice. If your kids are 8+ Just let it all go and deal with your marriage after recovery. Too little time to change him before surgery. It will hopefully only be 2-3 weeks and for 2-3 weeks kids can bathe themselves, eat whatever, be late to school, Miss sports whatever. It’s a couple of weeks. Let it all go if basic needs met. If your kids are young enough to want to spend time with you look at old pictures or read together in bed. Slow down life. Who cares if Jonny misses lacrosse. Watch a movie together and tell husband to order in or make something simple from bachelor days. Have a cleaner come once a week and do some laundry.

[Anonymous]

He asked you to tell him what to do, and you took that to mean he wants you to micromanage. What if, instead, you told him, I need you to do everything I do. Food, homework help, laundry, everything. Then ask him, what do you need from me to take that over? What is your plan to make sure I don’t have to overextend and re-injure myself?

[Anonymous]

Op and just wanted to add: I meant to say that doing the chores ahead of time is so I can recover in a pleasant environment. I have no expectation that he’ll care for the house while I’m out of commission, but he won’t even care for that part of it that will affect me.

I don’t care if the house gets dirty, but I hate the idea that I’ll be caring for a pretty nasty incision/wound and trying to prevent infection in a bathroom that he won’t bother to keep up, I’ll run out of clean comfortable clothing, I’ll be hungry because he doesn’t feel like bringing food upstairs yet again, or out of water or sleeping in sweaty sheets unless I beg for a water bottle refill or clean bedding. Cleaners and meal kits are great, but will only help DH and my kid, not me.

There are things that I think a person who is in pain medication and has fresh stitches shouldn’t have to ask for in real time and can’t hire out. The stuff I can’t outsource is precisely what DH won’t do.