Is your DH capable of caretaking?

[Anonymous]

It's hit and miss, but generally I do leave him pretty clear instructions, schedule, what to do, etc... He is capable of running the house without me for a week or two, as I have left for longer trips a few times before, but I usually go over the schedule, any appointments, etc. he needs to handle on his own. Anything that comes up while I am gone (like school events or other things that are NOT on the pre-arranged schedule usually get missed). He does manage to feed the kids, do the laundry, and keep the house relatively clean.

Perfect example: I happened to be out of commission yesterday with a nasty cold (I mean in bed, knocked out by cold meds, which is rare for me). One of our kids had a telehealth therapy appointment scheduled for the afternoon. Usually DC (13) is doing these solo, except for the last 10 minutes or so when we check in with the provider. I told DH when the appointment was and asked him to handle it for me just this once, including specifically talking to the Dr. at the end. He DID make sure that DC was logged on on time, but completely missed the checking in with the Dr. part in the end, event though DC called for him. His excuse: "I told DC to TEXT me when they were ready for me to meet with the provider. I thought it was you calling me for something else, and I was on a call just then...If I knew it was DC calling, I would have hung up, but I was expecting a text, and they just called down the stairs." I mean, WTF - if your sick wife was calling you, is that OK to just ignore?! So now I have to call the provider to discuss the details that he missed yesterday. So typical...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op and just wanted to add: I meant to say that doing the chores ahead of time is so I can recover in a pleasant environment. I have no expectation that he’ll care for the house while I’m out of commission, but he won’t even care for that part of it that will affect me.

I don’t care if the house gets dirty, but I hate the idea that I’ll be caring for a pretty nasty incision/wound and trying to prevent infection in a bathroom that he won’t bother to keep up, I’ll run out of clean comfortable clothing, I’ll be hungry because he doesn’t feel like bringing food upstairs yet again, or out of water or sleeping in sweaty sheets unless I beg for a water bottle refill or clean bedding. Cleaners and meal kits are great, but will only help DH and my kid, not me.

There are things that I think a person who is in pain medication and has fresh stitches shouldn’t have to ask for in real time and can’t hire out. The stuff I can’t outsource is precisely what DH won’t do.

I hope this is just misplaced anxiety. You are really catastrophizing here. You might only be out of commission for three days. And sleeping on the same sheets for a few weeks isn’t the end of the world. If you literally have to “beg for water” then you should get a divorce once you are recovered.

The "I'm going to die of a staph infection because he won't clean the bathroom twice a week" is really over the top.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op and just wanted to add: I meant to say that doing the chores ahead of time is so I can recover in a pleasant environment. I have no expectation that he’ll care for the house while I’m out of commission, but he won’t even care for that part of it that will affect me.

I don’t care if the house gets dirty, but I hate the idea that I’ll be caring for a pretty nasty incision/wound and trying to prevent infection in a bathroom that he won’t bother to keep up, I’ll run out of clean comfortable clothing, I’ll be hungry because he doesn’t feel like bringing food upstairs yet again, or out of water or sleeping in sweaty sheets unless I beg for a water bottle refill or clean bedding. Cleaners and meal kits are great, but will only help DH and my kid, not me.

There are things that I think a person who is in pain medication and has fresh stitches shouldn’t have to ask for in real time and can’t hire out. The stuff I can’t outsource is precisely what DH won’t do.

I hope this is just misplaced anxiety. You are really catastrophizing here. You might only be out of commission for three days. And sleeping on the same sheets for a few weeks isn’t the end of the world. If you literally have to “beg for water” then you should get a divorce once you are recovered.

The "I'm going to die of a staph infection because he won't clean the bathroom twice a week" is really over the top.

Agree. Maybe OP's husband is so casual about this because OP freaks out all the time. Hard to tell.

[Anonymous]

Presumably DH will be at work during the day unless he is taking weeks off. What is the plan for that, OP? Surely there should be a backup plan re: a home health care agency should you need assistance longer term?

Is your anxiety that you are projecting onto DH preventing you from covering expected needs that will have to be filled by others? That he has not sat down and planned out meals for the month obviously does not mean that he will not cook or that he does not care.

While you are recuperating, check out the website re: the 5 Love Languages. You seem to clearly have one and if DH understood that, you might feel calmer. Figure out what his is. Things should improve. You did not marry Martha Stewart but the guy is not out in a bar or banging a co-worker. He has not refused to bring you food when ill, that is all in your head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's hit and miss, but generally I do leave him pretty clear instructions, schedule, what to do, etc... He is capable of running the house without me for a week or two, as I have left for longer trips a few times before, but I usually go over the schedule, any appointments, etc. he needs to handle on his own. Anything that comes up while I am gone (like school events or other things that are NOT on the pre-arranged schedule usually get missed). He does manage to feed the kids, do the laundry, and keep the house relatively clean.

Perfect example: I happened to be out of commission yesterday with a nasty cold (I mean in bed, knocked out by cold meds, which is rare for me). One of our kids had a telehealth therapy appointment scheduled for the afternoon. Usually DC (13) is doing these solo, except for the last 10 minutes or so when we check in with the provider. I told DH when the appointment was and asked him to handle it for me just this once, including specifically talking to the Dr. at the end. He DID make sure that DC was logged on on time, but completely missed the checking in with the Dr. part in the end, event though DC called for him. His excuse: "I told DC to TEXT me when they were ready for me to meet with the provider. I thought it was you calling me for something else, and I was on a call just then...If I knew it was DC calling, I would have hung up, but I was expecting a text, and they just called down the stairs." I mean, WTF - if your sick wife was calling you, is that OK to just ignore?! So now I have to call the provider to discuss the details that he missed yesterday. So typical...

By your own telling, you had a cold. Not Covid, you weren't incapacitated, you had a cold. I wouldn't hang up a work call if my husband, who had a cold, called me - I'd call him back right after I got off. I would, however, hang up if my kid texted me that I needed to meet with his doctor. You husband acted completely rationally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op and just wanted to add: I meant to say that doing the chores ahead of time is so I can recover in a pleasant environment. I have no expectation that he’ll care for the house while I’m out of commission, but he won’t even care for that part of it that will affect me.

I don’t care if the house gets dirty, but I hate the idea that I’ll be caring for a pretty nasty incision/wound and trying to prevent infection in a bathroom that he won’t bother to keep up, I’ll run out of clean comfortable clothing, I’ll be hungry because he doesn’t feel like bringing food upstairs yet again, or out of water or sleeping in sweaty sheets unless I beg for a water bottle refill or clean bedding. Cleaners and meal kits are great, but will only help DH and my kid, not me.

There are things that I think a person who is in pain medication and has fresh stitches shouldn’t have to ask for in real time and can’t hire out. The stuff I can’t outsource is precisely what DH won’t do.

I hope this is just misplaced anxiety. You are really catastrophizing here. You might only be out of commission for three days. And sleeping on the same sheets for a few weeks isn’t the end of the world. If you literally have to “beg for water” then you should get a divorce once you are recovered.

The "I'm going to die of a staph infection because he won't clean the bathroom twice a week" is really over the top.

Agree. Maybe OP's husband is so casual about this because OP freaks out all the time. Hard to tell.

This. I would have a hard time dealing with a spouse like this, and human nature for a lot of us would be to not engage out of principle. Which results in not doing any doting. Which isn't a great look on the DH, but kind of understandable if their spouse is moping about having to use a 2-week dirty bathroom.

PS - our housecleaner only comes once every 2 weeks, and DH and I hate cleaning. So our bathroom is that dirty every two weeks. And we're not dead!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's hit and miss, but generally I do leave him pretty clear instructions, schedule, what to do, etc... He is capable of running the house without me for a week or two, as I have left for longer trips a few times before, but I usually go over the schedule, any appointments, etc. he needs to handle on his own. Anything that comes up while I am gone (like school events or other things that are NOT on the pre-arranged schedule usually get missed). He does manage to feed the kids, do the laundry, and keep the house relatively clean.

Perfect example: I happened to be out of commission yesterday with a nasty cold (I mean in bed, knocked out by cold meds, which is rare for me). One of our kids had a telehealth therapy appointment scheduled for the afternoon. Usually DC (13) is doing these solo, except for the last 10 minutes or so when we check in with the provider. I told DH when the appointment was and asked him to handle it for me just this once, including specifically talking to the Dr. at the end. He DID make sure that DC was logged on on time, but completely missed the checking in with the Dr. part in the end, event though DC called for him. His excuse: "I told DC to TEXT me when they were ready for me to meet with the provider. I thought it was you calling me for something else, and I was on a call just then...If I knew it was DC calling, I would have hung up, but I was expecting a text, and they just called down the stairs." I mean, WTF - if your sick wife was calling you, is that OK to just ignore?! So now I have to call the provider to discuss the details that he missed yesterday. So typical...

By your own telling, you had a cold. Not Covid, you weren't incapacitated, you had a cold. I wouldn't hang up a work call if my husband, who had a cold, called me - I'd call him back right after I got off. I would, however, hang up if my kid texted me that I needed to meet with his doctor. You husband acted completely rationally.

This. I was going to say the same. No way would i hang up a work call unless an emergency.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Recovery period from 3 days to 6 weeks before you can do any chores? What kind of surgery is this? Perhaps your doctor can prescribe a rehabilitation facility for your convalescence.

Honestly, OP, I think you are in a very anxious state. It will all work out. Uber Eats or chicken nuggets are okay for this time period. Good luck with your surgery.

This is Op following up- the recovery timeframe is loose because the surgery partially involves displaced endometrial tissue and depending on where it is and the extent of its attachment there will be more tissue to remove and potentially a much longer recovery. I’m not anxious, just realistic about the potential impact to my body. Surgery involving the pelvic floor and the external anatomy where incisions need to be made is a big deal because I can’t be bandaged and even sitting up puts pressure and adds swelling to the wound. Constipation would impair my recovery because it could cause swelling or hemmoraging, which is why healthy food and hydration matter. Uber eats and chicken nuggets are fine but I literally can’t get to the door to fetch them for myself and would like to eat a bit more healthily to speed my recovery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Recovery period from 3 days to 6 weeks before you can do any chores? What kind of surgery is this? Perhaps your doctor can prescribe a rehabilitation facility for your convalescence.

Honestly, OP, I think you are in a very anxious state. It will all work out. Uber Eats or chicken nuggets are okay for this time period. Good luck with your surgery.

This is Op following up- the recovery timeframe is loose because the surgery partially involves displaced endometrial tissue and depending on where it is and the extent of its attachment there will be more tissue to remove and potentially a much longer recovery. I’m not anxious, just realistic about the potential impact to my body. Surgery involving the pelvic floor and the external anatomy where incisions need to be made is a big deal because I can’t be bandaged and even sitting up puts pressure and adds swelling to the wound. Constipation would impair my recovery because it could cause swelling or hemmoraging, which is why healthy food and hydration matter. Uber eats and chicken nuggets are fine but I literally can’t get to the door to fetch them for myself and would like to eat a bit more healthily to speed my recovery.

If your husband really cannot be bothered to pick up a bag of salad and a rotisserie chicken to feed his wife, then you have a much larger problem.

But really, your concerns are so over the top that you need to figure out after surgery why you are so anxious. The idea that you will get an infection of the bathroom isn’t scrubbed for two weeks is nuts.

[Anonymous]

OP one more time. I’ve read the last couple of pages of replies and am surprised by how nasty and dismissive people are. I just asked if your DH is capable of caregiving and described the situation I’m going to be in. People piled on and accused me of being some kind of uptight princess for wanting to recover in a clean and healthy environment that I won’t be able to create on my own. How outsourced is everyone’s life that PPs are posing it as a choice between dirty house/Uber eats or checking into a nursing home. I’m an anxious baby for expecting anything in the middle?!

[Anonymous]

If you expect to be waited on by a person with no experience, they deserve at least a list of expectations, a selection of menu choices, a proposed schedule for the precious bathroom and laundry, etc. You might want to stock up on clean clothes suitable to the occasion, along with clean bedding so you get some breathing room.

You might also consider arranging for some home nursing/a home aide for the first few days if you can swing it.

He may surprise you. But don’t expect him to read your mind or do everything the way you would have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP one more time. I’ve read the last couple of pages of replies and am surprised by how nasty and dismissive people are. I just asked if your DH is capable of caregiving and described the situation I’m going to be in. People piled on and accused me of being some kind of uptight princess for wanting to recover in a clean and healthy environment that I won’t be able to create on my own. How outsourced is everyone’s life that PPs are posing it as a choice between dirty house/Uber eats or checking into a nursing home. I’m an anxious baby for expecting anything in the middle?!

Your concerns are so over the top that people don’t believe this could be that bad or you would have already gotten divorced. Your posts are histrionic. If you really have a husband that won’t bring you water, you should ditch him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Recovery period from 3 days to 6 weeks before you can do any chores? What kind of surgery is this? Perhaps your doctor can prescribe a rehabilitation facility for your convalescence.

Honestly, OP, I think you are in a very anxious state. It will all work out. Uber Eats or chicken nuggets are okay for this time period. Good luck with your surgery.

This is Op following up- the recovery timeframe is loose because the surgery partially involves displaced endometrial tissue and depending on where it is and the extent of its attachment there will be more tissue to remove and potentially a much longer recovery. I’m not anxious, just realistic about the potential impact to my body. Surgery involving the pelvic floor and the external anatomy where incisions need to be made is a big deal because I can’t be bandaged and even sitting up puts pressure and adds swelling to the wound. Constipation would impair my recovery because it could cause swelling or hemmoraging, which is why healthy food and hydration matter. Uber eats and chicken nuggets are fine but I literally can’t get to the door to fetch them for myself and would like to eat a bit more healthily to speed my recovery.

What you are asking is for your husband to catastrophize along with you. All of these things you "might" experience are just theoretical right now. And it sounds like you really like to blow things out of proportion. Like, you had a cold and were so knocked out you couldn't check in with your kid's doctor? I mean, fine to ask your DH to do it, but you sound overly dramatic and helpless. Maybe your husband should indulge your neuroses this one time so you can stop being so anxious before this surgery, but maybe he's had a lifetime of your being overly dramatic. Just hard to tell, but what he's doing doesn't sound to me like he's incapable of caretaking. It sounds like he doesn't want codependence.

Anyway, maybe try chilling out. I am sure that your husband will answer the door for Uber Eats if that's where it goes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP one more time. I’ve read the last couple of pages of replies and am surprised by how nasty and dismissive people are. I just asked if your DH is capable of caregiving and described the situation I’m going to be in. People piled on and accused me of being some kind of uptight princess for wanting to recover in a clean and healthy environment that I won’t be able to create on my own. How outsourced is everyone’s life that PPs are posing it as a choice between dirty house/Uber eats or checking into a nursing home. I’m an anxious baby for expecting anything in the middle?!

Your concerns are so over the top that people don’t believe this could be that bad or you would have already gotten divorced. Your posts are histrionic. If you really have a husband that won’t bring you water, you should ditch him.

Exactly.

[Anonymous]

Yes, my DH is a great caretaker. He's less anxious about making sure every need is met but every need gets met, if that makes sense. Like when he's sick I ask him "do you want chicken noodle soup? Or should I order pho? Let me know when you're hungry!" and when I was postpartum/struggling with breastfeeding/pumping he'd just show up beside me with a green smoothie and say it'd been too long since I ate. Different styles but I never doubt his capability or heart.

He's a great dad too and can handle anything alone that I could.