Is your DH capable of caretaking?

[Anonymous]

My spouse would be fine, lots more burritos/pizza/quesadillas since that's basically his repertoire of cooking but he knows how to do laundry and kid wrangle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op and just wanted to add: I meant to say that doing the chores ahead of time is so I can recover in a pleasant environment. I have no expectation that he’ll care for the house while I’m out of commission, but he won’t even care for that part of it that will affect me.

I don’t care if the house gets dirty, but I hate the idea that I’ll be caring for a pretty nasty incision/wound and trying to prevent infection in a bathroom that he won’t bother to keep up, I’ll run out of clean comfortable clothing, I’ll be hungry because he doesn’t feel like bringing food upstairs yet again, or out of water or sleeping in sweaty sheets unless I beg for a water bottle refill or clean bedding. Cleaners and meal kits are great, but will only help DH and my kid, not me.

There are things that I think a person who is in pain medication and has fresh stitches shouldn’t have to ask for in real time and can’t hire out. The stuff I can’t outsource is precisely what DH won’t do.

Sounds like a real winner.

Since he's mister "tell me what I have to do" would be extremely clear with him that that is what you want and make sure he's very clear that is dangerous for you to be moving around to much and damaging your incisions

[Anonymous]

Yes. When we were dating, I had to have a minor surgery that left me unable to do much for a week. He scheduled his week of vacation off and took care of me. He cooked for me, cleaned, ran errands, got my medicine, helped change bandages, etc. We had out first child last year and he was an amazing supportive partner the first month with me healing and breastfeeding. I had minor surgery for a knee injury when my son was 6 months old and he took care of the household, baby, and did everything for me. He worked ( had help during the day), spent time with baby and put him to bed, cooked, etc. He has never once complained about it. I have done the same for him when he was sick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spouse would be just fine: maybe a little more pizza delivery and a little less dishes and laundry than me, but probably less stressed and more fun. However, we are a 2 woman couple.

More pizza delivery, keeping the kids alive, and less stress describes exactly what most men would be like in this situation. But women freak out when it’s a man doing that, apparently they are fine about it when they are lesbians

[Anonymous]

Yes, DH can and has taken care of me , the house, dog and kids while I've recovered from surgeries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op and just wanted to add: I meant to say that doing the chores ahead of time is so I can recover in a pleasant environment. I have no expectation that he’ll care for the house while I’m out of commission, but he won’t even care for that part of it that will affect me.

I don’t care if the house gets dirty, but I hate the idea that I’ll be caring for a pretty nasty incision/wound and trying to prevent infection in a bathroom that he won’t bother to keep up, I’ll run out of clean comfortable clothing, I’ll be hungry because he doesn’t feel like bringing food upstairs yet again, or out of water or sleeping in sweaty sheets unless I beg for a water bottle refill or clean bedding. Cleaners and meal kits are great, but will only help DH and my kid, not me.

There are things that I think a person who is in pain medication and has fresh stitches shouldn’t have to ask for in real time and can’t hire out. The stuff I can’t outsource is precisely what DH won’t do.

You’re saying that if you ask him to bring you a bottle of water, he would say no? Or that if you ask him to bring you a bowl of soup, and all he has to do is open the can, pour it in a bowl and microwave it, he’d say no, get it yourself? (I resisted the urge to say “no soup for you.”) That’s cold. Is he making you uber home from the hospital? I’ve never recommended divorce but this isn’t normal.

Where will the incision be?

[Anonymous]

Focus on yourself ONLY.

Let the house go to hell.

If kids ask you for food or laundry or anything else, tell them firmly to ask Daddy.

Let him figure it out.

I have dated tons of divorced dads. Im sure many of their wives thought they were incompetent and couldn't manage without them. You know what? They figure it out. My boyfriend wsa married to a SAHM who did everything and know he has fifty fifty custody. He cooks, cleans, does laundry, manages the kids' homework. Most men are not incapable of these things. THey're just letting their highly competent wives do all the work.

Dont troubleshoot.

As for the bathroom, how many do you have? Can you designate one for your use only during your recovery and that way you only have to keep one clean?

[Anonymous]

My spouse did fine. Exactly how I would have done it? No but who cares. People were fed, house was clean enough, laundry was done, kids were taken care of. So that's all that matters. I had a sudden and serious injury that required hospitalization and then accommodations at home.

You need to have a serious talk with DH. What you described at 0054 is beyond unacceptable. It's a clear lack of caring about you and your needs. There is a difference between not being able to manage the house as well as you and letting your wife run out of clean clothes because you won't do her laundry and making her beg for water. That's disgusting behavior on his part and I don't think I could stay married if my DH ever showed me that level of contempt.

[Anonymous]

To the poster just above, you are way overreacting. These things did not happen. OP is just protecting them as future possiblities based on her anxiety about having surgery. OP, I would listen to the higher up poster who said things may slip and he may not replace you to your own standard but he will probably do the minimum and be fine with taking care of your basics. If you really feel it won’t be enough do a trial run for a few days and if he fails inform him that you’ll be hiring a professional caregiver for a few hours every day to get shit done.

[Anonymous]

Recovery period from 3 days to 6 weeks before you can do any chores? What kind of surgery is this? Perhaps your doctor can prescribe a rehabilitation facility for your convalescence.

Honestly, OP, I think you are in a very anxious state. It will all work out. Uber Eats or chicken nuggets are okay for this time period. Good luck with your surgery.

[Anonymous]

Yes my dh would take care of me. I hope yours will too. And yes you may need to micromanage this one, making a detailed list of what you need every day (fresh water, healthy foods, help going to the bathroom, whatever are the very most basic needs) and then you make a weekly list (wash sheets, take out trash, water plants). Outsource everything else (lawn, groceries, order stuff from Amazon when you need it).

Then KEEP the lists. Google share it to him so he always has it. Revise when needed. And if he’s truly incapable of being kind and caring to you when you’re in pain…while you’re recovering you can use that time to research marriage counselors.

[Anonymous]

You still haven’t told us how old the kids are. Maybe they can help bring you food.

In any case I would be buying a massive case of bottled waters for next to the bed and keep a bunch of trail mix or something too, so you don’t have to rely on him for every single thing. As for the bathroom and laundry, hire a weekly cleaner. Have them clean all the bathrooms and run laundry (prioritizing yours!) and do a quick once-over the kitchen and floors in the living room.

[Anonymous]

DH would do what he considers caretaking, but it would not be what I want, nor would it be what I would consider important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spouse would be just fine: maybe a little more pizza delivery and a little less dishes and laundry than me, but probably less stressed and more fun. However, we are a 2 woman couple.

Same here, though we aren’t a two-woman couple. DH brings me herbal tea when I’m wiped out or sick, offers to make me lunch, etc. OK, he would not be making meals beforehand, but neither would I if he were about to have surgery. OP, it sounds like you and DH are at extreme opposite ends of a spectrum. You could both stand to edge a little closer to the middle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old your kids are will help us give advice. If your kids are 8+ Just let it all go and deal with your marriage after recovery. Too little time to change him before surgery. It will hopefully only be 2-3 weeks and for 2-3 weeks kids can bathe themselves, eat whatever, be late to school, Miss sports whatever. It’s a couple of weeks. Let it all go if basic needs met. If your kids are young enough to want to spend time with you look at old pictures or read together in bed. Slow down life. Who cares if Jonny misses lacrosse. Watch a movie together and tell husband to order in or make something simple from bachelor days. Have a cleaner come once a week and do some laundry.

This. All of the running around you are doing is just causing you stress and isn’t truly necessary. If he can order takeout and knows how to call 911, it will be fine. Adjust your expectations and try to relax.