Changing child's middle name after many years

[Anonymous]

I get it OP. I don’t think you are crazy or insane for waiting to change it.

BUT I wouldn’t. It is just a name. He doesn’t care about it and doesn’t have the negative feelings attached to it that you do. You need to separate how you feel about it and how he feels about it. It sounds like he is entirely neutral. But going through the change, you are actually attracting much more attention and discussion to the middle name you dislike. Just leave it alone and it will be entirely insignificant to him.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you just don’t like the name now I wouldn’t change it. However, if the name belonged to a hateful person, someone who abused me or some such thing then I would change ir.

[Anonymous]

This is the weirdest conversation. Why are people attacking OP? Who cares?

OP, I totally get it. I wonder how many posters claiming the paperwork issues have actually had to deal with name changes themselves. It feels a bit like those who thought they had to change their last names on marriage talking about how they would never be able to travel with their kids if they didn't because their names wouldn't match.

I have a complicated last name - do you know how many "Aliases" my credit reports say I have? They are all misspellings of my name. Not the same issue but again, it's realllllly not a big deal.

Anyway, you could always ADD a name if you are concerned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I use my middle name. I use it professionally a lot because my name is otherwise pretty common, and I also use it because I like it. So I guess I am biased because my own middle name is important to me, and I failed to give my son one that could be important to him.

When I say we will use it, what I mean is that I currently refrain from using my son's middle name unless forced to for administrative purposes. I never call him by that name and don't write it down anywhere ever.

If we changed it, I'd do things like put it in the title of the photo books we make for him periodically, use it more in school paperwork, make sure he knows what it is. And, if like me he ever wanted or needed to use it professionally, I would be happy to see him using his full name. Right now, if he ever decided to go by his first and middle name for any reason, I think it would give me a little pang of sadness. Not a big deal, I know, but I don't want to feel sad when I see my son's name.

I understand that feeling of regret, and it's hard, but all the reasons above are about you rather than your child.

But even if they WERE all about her... who CARES?! Are her feelings irrelevant?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is silly. A name change for a middle name that he doesn't use? Just don't use it.

OP here. To be clear, if we changed his name we would start using his middle name. We just don't use the current one because I don't really like it and we have no strong feelings or connection to it. It was forced on us by someone who isn't really a big part of our family anymore.

What does it mean to “use” the middle name?
Would you call him by the new middle? Hopefully not, because that’s just like changing the first name to the person being addressed.
How else is a middle name “used”?

I don't know OP's culture, but it sounds like they use it. In my parents' culture the middle name is also used more frequently than here in the US, where it seems to be more decorative for some than anything else. There are swaths of family friends who call my mother by her firstfollowedbymiddle name, or even just her middle name because they like it, they identify with it (she was named after a grandmother so the cousins share affinity and connection to he name).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I also hate my DC's middle name. It was a family name for my DH and I caved on it when I really wanted my maiden name as child's middle name. 10 years later, it still bothers me. That said, I'm not going to change it. It's too much of a nightmare and I don't want the mismatching birth cert, passport, name change court docs, to be an issue in his future. Plus, it'd cause major friction between DH and myself.
I may name a new dog my chosen name just to make myself feel better. Or, there will always be the grandkids

We did exactly this - added a name we hadn't used because of family drama (in our case, added the name as a middle). I am glad we did it. Child got an extra name and is totally happy about it. We didn't ask her permission but we did tell her and she didn't really register (she was 4).

[Anonymous]

Op I mean this in the most kind way possible but you need to get to a therapist. The amount of energy and angst you are feeling is not normal.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for all the feedback. This was a really useful way for me to think through all the pros and cons.

I've talked it over with my husband, I think we are going to add the name I've picked out as a second middle name. That way we're not taking anything away from DS and he can choose later in life if he wants to use either middle name or both. Or neither! I think being able to name your child is just something that mattered to me more than I thought it did, and I just basically gave it up -- his first name was my DH's choice (I like it a lot but it comes from my DH's side of the family and was very important to him) and he has my DH's last name. The middle name was something we'd agreed I would get to choose and in the end I didn't -- I caved to intense pressure from my mom (she became very depressed during my pregnancy and held me hostage to this name, saying it was only thing that would make her feel any better and that if I chose another name she would consider it a persona insult) and as a result I didn't really choose my son's name. I get many of you seem to think this is no big deal and that middle names don't matter, and that's fine for you. But in my case, it was a big deal to me and my son's middle name really matters to me.

To posters saying I need therapy, thanks. I've been in therapy since I experienced postpartum depression when my son was born, and my relationship with my mom and learning to detach from her manipulation tactics and set healthy boundaries has been a huge part of that. That is specifically why the name issue continues to bother me -- because now that I better understand how to assert myself and deal with her behavior, my son's name is a strong reminder of how hard that used to be for me and how miserable she used to make me. This name change is something I've discussed with my therapist (who is supportive) and is absolutely part of me developing a healthier relationship with my mom.

For what it's worth, my mom gave me my middle name and it's really important to me and I value it even though obviously our relationship is complex. In a way, getting to choose my own son's middle name is a way of honoring that connection I have with my mom, even if she won't see it that way.

I know some of you won't care about this explanation and simply view it as further evidence that I'm crazy or a bad mom, and I'm okay with that. But I thought it was worth providing it for the sake of clarification and in case there are any other people like me out there who might benefit from hearing about my thinking. Wishing you all the best.

[Anonymous]

How does your 7 year old now know their middle name?!? I have 7 year old twins and they've known their middle names for years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
To posters saying I need therapy, thanks. I've been in therapy since I experienced postpartum depression when my son was born, and my relationship with my mom and learning to detach from her manipulation tactics and set healthy boundaries has been a huge part of that. That is specifically why the name issue continues to bother me -- because now that I better understand how to assert myself and deal with her behavior, my son's name is a strong reminder of how hard that used to be for me and how miserable she used to make me. This name change is something I've discussed with my therapist (who is supportive) and is absolutely part of me developing a healthier relationship with my mom.

OP, thank you for sharing this. I can now see why making this change is so important to you and to your healing moving forward. It sounds like what you have decided to do is the right solution. Best to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the feedback. This was a really useful way for me to think through all the pros and cons.

I've talked it over with my husband, I think we are going to add the name I've picked out as a second middle name. That way we're not taking anything away from DS and he can choose later in life if he wants to use either middle name or both. Or neither! I think being able to name your child is just something that mattered to me more than I thought it did, and I just basically gave it up -- his first name was my DH's choice (I like it a lot but it comes from my DH's side of the family and was very important to him) and he has my DH's last name. The middle name was something we'd agreed I would get to choose and in the end I didn't -- I caved to intense pressure from my mom (she became very depressed during my pregnancy and held me hostage to this name, saying it was only thing that would make her feel any better and that if I chose another name she would consider it a persona insult) and as a result I didn't really choose my son's name. I get many of you seem to think this is no big deal and that middle names don't matter, and that's fine for you. But in my case, it was a big deal to me and my son's middle name really matters to me.

To posters saying I need therapy, thanks. I've been in therapy since I experienced postpartum depression when my son was born, and my relationship with my mom and learning to detach from her manipulation tactics and set healthy boundaries has been a huge part of that. That is specifically why the name issue continues to bother me -- because now that I better understand how to assert myself and deal with her behavior, my son's name is a strong reminder of how hard that used to be for me and how miserable she used to make me. This name change is something I've discussed with my therapist (who is supportive) and is absolutely part of me developing a healthier relationship with my mom.

For what it's worth, my mom gave me my middle name and it's really important to me and I value it even though obviously our relationship is complex. In a way, getting to choose my own son's middle name is a way of honoring that connection I have with my mom, even if she won't see it that way.

I know some of you won't care about this explanation and simply view it as further evidence that I'm crazy or a bad mom, and I'm okay with that. But I thought it was worth providing it for the sake of clarification and in case there are any other people like me out there who might benefit from hearing about my thinking. Wishing you all the best.

OP, I have been through a similar journey on the name thing specifically and had a similar outcome. So, I am biased. But *I* think you sound like you have really thought about this, what names mean to you ,and what this name addition symbolizes. And it's positive step. So, I am a random internet stranger but for what it's worth:

You sound self-aware, and really healthy in your thinking. Good luck and hope you have a name celebration party!

[Anonymous]

these are YOUR issues and you are projecting them onto your son, just as the family pressure was projected on you. I think changing his name and beginning to use it at age 7 is very unnecessary. I agree with other posters who suggested counseling

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I use my middle name. I use it professionally a lot because my name is otherwise pretty common, and I also use it because I like it. So I guess I am biased because my own middle name is important to me, and I failed to give my son one that could be important to him.

When I say we will use it, what I mean is that I currently refrain from using my son's middle name unless forced to for administrative purposes. I never call him by that name and don't write it down anywhere ever.

If we changed it, I'd do things like put it in the title of the photo books we make for him periodically, use it more in school paperwork, make sure he knows what it is. And, if like me he ever wanted or needed to use it professionally, I would be happy to see him using his full name. Right now, if he ever decided to go by his first and middle name for any reason, I think it would give me a little pang of sadness. Not a big deal, I know, but I don't want to feel sad when I see my son's name.

I understand that feeling of regret, and it's hard, but all the reasons above are about you rather than your child.

But even if they WERE all about her... who CARES?! Are her feelings irrelevant?

NP. Her kid isn’t some plaything or accessory…legally changing your 2nd grader’s name simply because of your “feelings” is a bit over the top.

[Anonymous]

Move on. Win some, lose some.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I use my middle name. I use it professionally a lot because my name is otherwise pretty common, and I also use it because I like it. So I guess I am biased because my own middle name is important to me, and I failed to give my son one that could be important to him.

When I say we will use it, what I mean is that I currently refrain from using my son's middle name unless forced to for administrative purposes. I never call him by that name and don't write it down anywhere ever.

If we changed it, I'd do things like put it in the title of the photo books we make for him periodically, use it more in school paperwork, make sure he knows what it is. And, if like me he ever wanted or needed to use it professionally, I would be happy to see him using his full name. Right now, if he ever decided to go by his first and middle name for any reason, I think it would give me a little pang of sadness. Not a big deal, I know, but I don't want to feel sad when I see my son's name.

I understand that feeling of regret, and it's hard, but all the reasons above are about you rather than your child.

OP here, and I sort of see your point but don't totally agree. For instance, being able to put my child's full name on childhood mementos that I want to pass down to him isn't about me -- my goal in changing his name is to give him something important to carry with him, and wanting to put that name on mementos and other things is part of that.

Maybe I'm not explaining this right. I don't want to change his middle name so that I can call him by another name. I want to give him a middle name so that he can have something important for himself. My middle name is important to me. I know some people don't care about theirs and if he doesn't I'm totally okay with that. But I hate the idea of him disliking his middle name or thinking "ugh, why did my parents give me this name - they don't even like it" and not being able to tell him otherwise.

It just feels like a lapse in my care for him, that I caved on something that he's going to have to carry with him his whole life instead of taking the time to say "no, I want to give my son the right name that I chose with care." I want to correct that mistake.

I really do view this as something I am doing for him and not just for me or my ego.

Uh hunh.

It is all about you, and your conflicted feelings about this. You can put his full name on anything you want. It's his name, and he will view it as that. You have no way of knowing if he wil llike or hate his middle name in the future. Either name. You can be sure he'll hate his current one given your attitude about it, and going on and on this way, though.

Your whole obsession with this is absurd and has way more to do with your feelings about your mother and those issues than it actually has to do with your son. You really do sound like you need some therapy to work through this. The middle name is irrelevant. Get some help.