Changing child's middle name after many years

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I use my middle name. I use it professionally a lot because my name is otherwise pretty common, and I also use it because I like it. So I guess I am biased because my own middle name is important to me, and I failed to give my son one that could be important to him.

When I say we will use it, what I mean is that I currently refrain from using my son's middle name unless forced to for administrative purposes. I never call him by that name and don't write it down anywhere ever.

If we changed it, I'd do things like put it in the title of the photo books we make for him periodically, use it more in school paperwork, make sure he knows what it is. And, if like me he ever wanted or needed to use it professionally, I would be happy to see him using his full name. Right now, if he ever decided to go by his first and middle name for any reason, I think it would give me a little pang of sadness. Not a big deal, I know, but I don't want to feel sad when I see my son's name.

I understand that feeling of regret, and it's hard, but all the reasons above are about you rather than your child.

But this is true of any parent who chooses a name for a child. The only difference in this case is that the child is not an infant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I use my middle name. I use it professionally a lot because my name is otherwise pretty common, and I also use it because I like it. So I guess I am biased because my own middle name is important to me, and I failed to give my son one that could be important to him.

When I say we will use it, what I mean is that I currently refrain from using my son's middle name unless forced to for administrative purposes. I never call him by that name and don't write it down anywhere ever.

If we changed it, I'd do things like put it in the title of the photo books we make for him periodically, use it more in school paperwork, make sure he knows what it is. And, if like me he ever wanted or needed to use it professionally, I would be happy to see him using his full name. Right now, if he ever decided to go by his first and middle name for any reason, I think it would give me a little pang of sadness. Not a big deal, I know, but I don't want to feel sad when I see my son's name.

I understand that feeling of regret, and it's hard, but all the reasons above are about you rather than your child.

+1
This is all about you. It's his name, and he's not a baby anymore. It's about him now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I use my middle name. I use it professionally a lot because my name is otherwise pretty common, and I also use it because I like it. So I guess I am biased because my own middle name is important to me, and I failed to give my son one that could be important to him.

When I say we will use it, what I mean is that I currently refrain from using my son's middle name unless forced to for administrative purposes. I never call him by that name and don't write it down anywhere ever.

If we changed it, I'd do things like put it in the title of the photo books we make for him periodically, use it more in school paperwork, make sure he knows what it is. And, if like me he ever wanted or needed to use it professionally, I would be happy to see him using his full name. Right now, if he ever decided to go by his first and middle name for any reason, I think it would give me a little pang of sadness. Not a big deal, I know, but I don't want to feel sad when I see my son's name.

I understand that feeling of regret, and it's hard, but all the reasons above are about you rather than your child.

But this is true of any parent who chooses a name for a child. The only difference in this case is that the child is not an infant.

And that's a big difference. He's old enough that his name shouldn't be changed without his full buy-in.

[Anonymous]

The sooner the better. I was pregnant at the time they pressured me into these names ….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s potentially worth doing. If you mean that all of a sudden you’ll start actively calling him a different name, you really should not do that without your child’s active agreement. Before you do this, please make a complete list of everything that will have to change — Birth certificate, social security ID, bank accounts, anything where they’re a beneficiary or co-owner, etc.

One of my parents added a name to my birth certificate—without the other parent’s knowledge. This was discovered years later, and I was reluctantly pulled into a marital squabble. Please do not do this to your child.

My DH is totally on board with the choice. He would also be fine keeping the name as is. He was very instrumental in choosing our son's first name and knows that it has always bothered me that I didn't stick to my guns and choose a different middle name. He will support me if we choose to do this, even though it's not important to him that we change it.

I've already figured out everything I need to do to make the name change happen. If we are going to do it, I want to do it this calendar year and complete it as quickly as possible to avoid having a period of time in which we are using both the old and the new name on paperwork anywhere. Plus right now his name is not actually on any bank accounts or property or anything, but that could change in the next few years so if we're going to do it, I want to do it now.

I think you should do it. I love my kids’ middle names and can understand not wanting to feel a pang of regret when you see your son’s full name.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I use my middle name. I use it professionally a lot because my name is otherwise pretty common, and I also use it because I like it. So I guess I am biased because my own middle name is important to me, and I failed to give my son one that could be important to him.

When I say we will use it, what I mean is that I currently refrain from using my son's middle name unless forced to for administrative purposes. I never call him by that name and don't write it down anywhere ever.

If we changed it, I'd do things like put it in the title of the photo books we make for him periodically, use it more in school paperwork, make sure he knows what it is. And, if like me he ever wanted or needed to use it professionally, I would be happy to see him using his full name. Right now, if he ever decided to go by his first and middle name for any reason, I think it would give me a little pang of sadness. Not a big deal, I know, but I don't want to feel sad when I see my son's name.

I understand that feeling of regret, and it's hard, but all the reasons above are about you rather than your child.

+1
This is all about you. It's his name, and he's not a baby anymore. It's about him now.

Curious what the cut off is, then. Would it be okay to change a 1 year old's middle name? What about a 4 year old?

Not being facetious, genuinely curious. I think in this case it's unorthodox but okay because the kid doesn't know his middle name yet and has not expressed interest in it one way or another.

I would feel very differently about a first name.

[Anonymous]

People who are saying middle names don’t count or are not important are not in the 21st century. Now with identity theft internet use etc etc many places are demanding full names including middle. Especially if your name is somewhat common. Do it soon. The longer you wait the worst it will be. Your DS probably doesn’t care now and will just accept the change. Before DL taxes HS transcripts vaccine reports and do on.

[Anonymous]

You sound insane.

[Anonymous]

I just can’t imagine having that much time on my hands to obsess about it and then want to go do the paperwork for it! I don’t think it matters. Eventually your kid will ask and will probably think it was weird of you, but if you aren’t weird in other ways (you really might be, considering the importance you are putting on this unimportant thing, but who knows) I don’t see a huge deal about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is silly. A name change for a middle name that he doesn't use? Just don't use it.

OP here. To be clear, if we changed his name we would start using his middle name. We just don't use the current one because I don't really like it and we have no strong feelings or connection to it. It was forced on us by someone who isn't really a big part of our family anymore.

I love my kid's middle name. Hell, I gave her my middle name, but the only time it's ever used is when she's in hot water "Larla Elizabeth Larlasen, go to your room right now!"

hey - me too! my middle name (same as dd's middle name) is the same as her great-grandmothers. (both of my grandmothers). it's important to me, we love that we share the same name as one another. and it makes a connection to two ancestors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is silly. A name change for a middle name that he doesn't use? Just don't use it.

OP here. To be clear, if we changed his name we would start using his middle name. We just don't use the current one because I don't really like it and we have no strong feelings or connection to it. It was forced on us by someone who isn't really a big part of our family anymore.

What does it mean to “use” the middle name?
Would you call him by the new middle? Hopefully not, because that’s just like changing the first name to the person being addressed.
How else is a middle name “used”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I use my middle name. I use it professionally a lot because my name is otherwise pretty common, and I also use it because I like it. So I guess I am biased because my own middle name is important to me, and I failed to give my son one that could be important to him.

When I say we will use it, what I mean is that I currently refrain from using my son's middle name unless forced to for administrative purposes. I never call him by that name and don't write it down anywhere ever.

If we changed it, I'd do things like put it in the title of the photo books we make for him periodically, use it more in school paperwork, make sure he knows what it is. And, if like me he ever wanted or needed to use it professionally, I would be happy to see him using his full name. Right now, if he ever decided to go by his first and middle name for any reason, I think it would give me a little pang of sadness. Not a big deal, I know, but I don't want to feel sad when I see my son's name.

I understand that feeling of regret, and it's hard, but all the reasons above are about you rather than your child.

+1
This is all about you. It's his name, and he's not a baby anymore. It's about him now.

Curious what the cut off is, then. Would it be okay to change a 1 year old's middle name? What about a 4 year old?

Not being facetious, genuinely curious. I think in this case it's unorthodox but okay because the kid doesn't know his middle name yet and has not expressed interest in it one way or another.

I would feel very differently about a first name.

I think the line is when the child can tell you their name. For a baby or even a toddler, I don't think it would be a big deal to change a middle name. For preschool or older, I think it shows poor boundaries/self involvement on the part of the parent-unless the child is lobbying for a change

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I use my middle name. I use it professionally a lot because my name is otherwise pretty common, and I also use it because I like it. So I guess I am biased because my own middle name is important to me, and I failed to give my son one that could be important to him.

When I say we will use it, what I mean is that I currently refrain from using my son's middle name unless forced to for administrative purposes. I never call him by that name and don't write it down anywhere ever.

If we changed it, I'd do things like put it in the title of the photo books we make for him periodically, use it more in school paperwork, make sure he knows what it is. And, if like me he ever wanted or needed to use it professionally, I would be happy to see him using his full name. Right now, if he ever decided to go by his first and middle name for any reason, I think it would give me a little pang of sadness. Not a big deal, I know, but I don't want to feel sad when I see my son's name.

I understand that feeling of regret, and it's hard, but all the reasons above are about you rather than your child.

OP here, and I sort of see your point but don't totally agree. For instance, being able to put my child's full name on childhood mementos that I want to pass down to him isn't about me -- my goal in changing his name is to give him something important to carry with him, and wanting to put that name on mementos and other things is part of that.

Maybe I'm not explaining this right. I don't want to change his middle name so that I can call him by another name. I want to give him a middle name so that he can have something important for himself. My middle name is important to me. I know some people don't care about theirs and if he doesn't I'm totally okay with that. But I hate the idea of him disliking his middle name or thinking "ugh, why did my parents give me this name - they don't even like it" and not being able to tell him otherwise.

It just feels like a lapse in my care for him, that I caved on something that he's going to have to carry with him his whole life instead of taking the time to say "no, I want to give my son the right name that I chose with care." I want to correct that mistake.

I really do view this as something I am doing for him and not just for me or my ego.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry for the stress this is causing you (I mean that sincerely) but - once you put that name on the birth certificate, that decision passed out of your hands. It is no longer 'your' name to decide upon. It is your child's name and does not belong to you in any way any more. How would you feel if your mother decided to change your name out of the blue because she 'never liked it' and felt as your parent she should get to alter it at will? There are some creepy overtones here of not understanding that your child is not an extension of you.

And I agree with others that you would be setting your poor kid up for a lifetime hassle with an amended name on a birth certificate. He's already got medical and school records out there with his current name. Changing all that documentation and requiring him to keep track of his original birth certificate his whole life just in case he needs it, simply because you 'don't like' his name - that is not good parenting. Please, if you can't get over this, consider therapy. This really is a situation where it might be helpful to your peace of mind and again, I say this sincerely and with kindness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I use my middle name. I use it professionally a lot because my name is otherwise pretty common, and I also use it because I like it. So I guess I am biased because my own middle name is important to me, and I failed to give my son one that could be important to him.

When I say we will use it, what I mean is that I currently refrain from using my son's middle name unless forced to for administrative purposes. I never call him by that name and don't write it down anywhere ever.

If we changed it, I'd do things like put it in the title of the photo books we make for him periodically, use it more in school paperwork, make sure he knows what it is. And, if like me he ever wanted or needed to use it professionally, I would be happy to see him using his full name. Right now, if he ever decided to go by his first and middle name for any reason, I think it would give me a little pang of sadness. Not a big deal, I know, but I don't want to feel sad when I see my son's name.

I understand that feeling of regret, and it's hard, but all the reasons above are about you rather than your child.

+1
This is all about you. It's his name, and he's not a baby anymore. It's about him now.

Curious what the cut off is, then. Would it be okay to change a 1 year old's middle name? What about a 4 year old?

Not being facetious, genuinely curious. I think in this case it's unorthodox but okay because the kid doesn't know his middle name yet and has not expressed interest in it one way or another.

I would feel very differently about a first name.

I think the line is when the child can tell you their name. For a baby or even a toddler, I don't think it would be a big deal to change a middle name. For preschool or older, I think it shows poor boundaries/self involvement on the part of the parent-unless the child is lobbying for a change

I do agree that there's a cut off, but it's not that young. Parents make all kinds of important decisions on their kids' behalf for many years. I don't think a middle name is any more or less significant than things like what your child eats, or where they go to preschool, or what other children they play with and hang out with. And most parents are making those choices for their kids until they are about 6 or 7 (at which point they do start to make more decisions on their own about food and friends).

I don't think the average 5, 6, or 7 year old is capable of making a decision about what their middle name should be on their own. Yes, parents should have picked a better name when the child was a baby, but if they didn't, better to change it at 7 than to just let their kid live with it.