Changing child's middle name after many years

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I use my middle name. I use it professionally a lot because my name is otherwise pretty common, and I also use it because I like it. So I guess I am biased because my own middle name is important to me, and I failed to give my son one that could be important to him.

When I say we will use it, what I mean is that I currently refrain from using my son's middle name unless forced to for administrative purposes. I never call him by that name and don't write it down anywhere ever.

If we changed it, I'd do things like put it in the title of the photo books we make for him periodically, use it more in school paperwork, make sure he knows what it is. And, if like me he ever wanted or needed to use it professionally, I would be happy to see him using his full name. Right now, if he ever decided to go by his first and middle name for any reason, I think it would give me a little pang of sadness. Not a big deal, I know, but I don't want to feel sad when I see my son's name.

I understand that feeling of regret, and it's hard, but all the reasons above are about you rather than your child.

OP here, and I sort of see your point but don't totally agree. For instance, being able to put my child's full name on childhood mementos that I want to pass down to him isn't about me -- my goal in changing his name is to give him something important to carry with him, and wanting to put that name on mementos and other things is part of that.

Maybe I'm not explaining this right. I don't want to change his middle name so that I can call him by another name. I want to give him a middle name so that he can have something important for himself. My middle name is important to me. I know some people don't care about theirs and if he doesn't I'm totally okay with that. But I hate the idea of him disliking his middle name or thinking "ugh, why did my parents give me this name - they don't even like it" and not being able to tell him otherwise.

It just feels like a lapse in my care for him, that I caved on something that he's going to have to carry with him his whole life instead of taking the time to say "no, I want to give my son the right name that I chose with care." I want to correct that mistake.

I really do view this as something I am doing for him and not just for me or my ego.

This is 100% about you. It really is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I use my middle name. I use it professionally a lot because my name is otherwise pretty common, and I also use it because I like it. So I guess I am biased because my own middle name is important to me, and I failed to give my son one that could be important to him.

When I say we will use it, what I mean is that I currently refrain from using my son's middle name unless forced to for administrative purposes. I never call him by that name and don't write it down anywhere ever.

If we changed it, I'd do things like put it in the title of the photo books we make for him periodically, use it more in school paperwork, make sure he knows what it is. And, if like me he ever wanted or needed to use it professionally, I would be happy to see him using his full name. Right now, if he ever decided to go by his first and middle name for any reason, I think it would give me a little pang of sadness. Not a big deal, I know, but I don't want to feel sad when I see my son's name.

I understand that feeling of regret, and it's hard, but all the reasons above are about you rather than your child.

OP here, and I sort of see your point but don't totally agree. For instance, being able to put my child's full name on childhood mementos that I want to pass down to him isn't about me -- my goal in changing his name is to give him something important to carry with him, and wanting to put that name on mementos and other things is part of that.

Maybe I'm not explaining this right. I don't want to change his middle name so that I can call him by another name. I want to give him a middle name so that he can have something important for himself. My middle name is important to me. I know some people don't care about theirs and if he doesn't I'm totally okay with that. But I hate the idea of him disliking his middle name or thinking "ugh, why did my parents give me this name - they don't even like it" and not being able to tell him otherwise.

It just feels like a lapse in my care for him, that I caved on something that he's going to have to carry with him his whole life instead of taking the time to say "no, I want to give my son the right name that I chose with care." I want to correct that mistake.

I really do view this as something I am doing for him and not just for me or my ego.

You are putting way too much on this name. You could put his name on "childhood mementos"--you just don't want to. He HAS important things for himself, regardless of his middle name, and the name might be meaningful to YOU, but that doesn't mean it will suddenly become important to him. I mean, what if he doesn't like the name you think is perfect? What if he's not interested in using it, or thinks it's kind of meh?

It might not be about your ego, but it's all about you. And you are investing it with all this meaning that it just can't bear. Giving your kid a family name that you aren't crazy about isn't child abuse or neglect or a "lapse in care." Jesus. You need to put this in real perspective.

[Anonymous]

I’m usually big on giving kids as much agency as you can, but I don’t see what the big deal is here— go ahead and change it, especially silly since he doesn’t even know what it is yet.

The PP’s saying that the name is out of OP’s hands once she put it in the birth certificate— what would you do if your 7 yo child came to you and said “I don’t like my name, I want to change it. Instead of Jack, I want everyone to call me Howard.” How would you handle that? Would you file name change paperwork in his behalf? I’m guessing no. You would explain that while he is welcome to change his name when he’s older, at 7 he’s not yet ready to make that choice. Which means that his name actually isn’t fully “his” yet. OP still has time (though the window is closing, IMO).

[Anonymous]

my name is (similar to) jane jones. when i started writing my name in elementary school i wrote janie jones. janie was not a nickname, a family name, or the like. i just liked the way janie looked on paper... i dotted the "i" with a little heart and everything! my mom was shocked and wanted to know where this all came from. it came from me, an independent human with an experience separate from her as a mother.

i think this is why i get so confused by all the name/nn threads on here too. you want to name your son edison but his nn will be fritz and you'll ex-communicate family members for calling him eddie? you don't know what name will take hold.

[Anonymous]

I mean if you've thought this through and are determined to do it, why are you asking on DCUM?

I think you're weird about it and should let it go, but hey, you do you. You're literally arguing with people on an anonymous message board about it. it's weird. Period. But rather than seeking some level of validation - very parallel to how you were "pressured" into a name you didn't like, don't you think? - just live your life as you see fit.

[Anonymous]

OP, I also hate my DC's middle name. It was a family name for my DH and I caved on it when I really wanted my maiden name as child's middle name. 10 years later, it still bothers me. That said, I'm not going to change it. It's too much of a nightmare and I don't want the mismatching birth cert, passport, name change court docs, to be an issue in his future. Plus, it'd cause major friction between DH and myself.
I may name a new dog my chosen name just to make myself feel better. Or, there will always be the grandkids

[Anonymous]

OP after 7 years, even if you change the legal paperwork, there will absolutely be issues at some point around the different names. And full names on mementos? Good chance your kid will trash those when you try to pass them down. Let. This. Go.

[Anonymous]

I think you are discounting the future hassle this might cause too much. I can think of several forms where I was asked to indicate if I'd ever had a previous name. I don't have one because I didn't change my name when I got married, but if I had changed my name I would have to provide proof of my name change along with those forms. I read a lot about this recently with regard to voter registration and how it's a barrier to many people when they try to register at the DMV (proof has to be required, if you've lost your proof then you have to pay fees to a state court system to get new proof, and that's if you remember what court has the files). I wouldn't do this to my kid for the reasons you've said. Just because your middle name is super meaningful to you doesn't mean your kids middle name will be meaningful to him--and at this point where he's 7 and doesn't even seem to know the current one, I don't get how it's suddenly going to become important to him.

[Anonymous]

It's not a lapse in your care. You sound hellbent on doing this, but I would not. If he doesn't use a middle name now, he's not suddenly going to. I LOVE my kids' middle names ... more than their first names, to be honest. But we did indeed choose their first names for good reasons, and it would be weird for everyone if we changed them.

[Anonymous]

OP, nobody cares what your child's middle name is, he will never use it, it's not worth it to go through the change. He'll have to deal with that extra step when completing paperwork for the rest of his life. It's not worth it and he may resent you for it when he's older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, nobody cares what your child's middle name is, he will never use it, it's not worth it to go through the change. He'll have to deal with that extra step when completing paperwork for the rest of his life. It's not worth it and he may resent you for it when he's older.

I should add that I speak from personal experience. My parents changed my name when I was a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DS is 7. When he was born, I was pressured into giving him a family middle name. I did not dislike the name at the time, but felt really stressed by the pressure and also just overwhelmed in general while pregnant. I basically gave him the name to avoid conflict with other people, but I felt not great about it from the start.

As a result, he's never really gone by this middle name at all. I put it on paperwork when I need to, but otherwise we don't use it anywhere. He's never asked about his middle name and doesn't know he has one.

Recently I have been seized with the desire to change it. I have another one picked out -- it's a name that suits him perfectly, goes with his first and last name, and has important meaning for me.

Is this insane? I would discuss it with him first and if he didn't want the name, we wouldn't do it. But if he is up for it, it would bring me a lot of happiness. I feel like I messed up in not giving him a middle name that was more of a legacy/gift, something that would help him know how beloved he is. He'll have the name the rest of his life (unless of course he decided to change it) and I want it to be a good one, instead of this nothing name I put on his birth certificate because I couldn't handle another argument with my mom about it right after giving birth.

Thoughts?

You sound very selfish. Please don't put your seven year old through this for your own personal joy. It's HIS name now, not yours.

[Anonymous]

Also, you don't even know what this kid's future holds. At our suburban public, tons of kids came back from quarantine with new names, either because they were transitioning or experimenting with some new persona. If he wants to change any part of his name, let him choose when HE has a valid reason!

[Anonymous]

This is 100% about you, OP. It's an issue that you cannot overcome, and it affects your mental health whenever your son's name comes up.
Talk to your son and tell him the real reason you want to change his middle name. Don't manipulate him, and if he's OK with it, go ahead and change it.

Don't think about it, do it soon. Hopefully, there would be no more negative feeling around your son's name.

[Anonymous]

Let it go.