Changing child's middle name after many years

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're going to cause bureaucratic headaches for him when his birth certificate doesn't match his name. It's just an annoyance, but a pointless one

Not only that, anytime he’s ever asked for all names he’s used and aliases, he’ll have to list his former middle name. And you might have to show the court order to your doctor and school and everywhere else he has records. I adopted an older kid and changed the last name to mine and it was such a headache for awhile. The old name doesn’t go away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I use my middle name. I use it professionally a lot because my name is otherwise pretty common, and I also use it because I like it. So I guess I am biased because my own middle name is important to me, and I failed to give my son one that could be important to him.

When I say we will use it, what I mean is that I currently refrain from using my son's middle name unless forced to for administrative purposes. I never call him by that name and don't write it down anywhere ever.

If we changed it, I'd do things like put it in the title of the photo books we make for him periodically, use it more in school paperwork, make sure he knows what it is. And, if like me he ever wanted or needed to use it professionally, I would be happy to see him using his full name. Right now, if he ever decided to go by his first and middle name for any reason, I think it would give me a little pang of sadness. Not a big deal, I know, but I don't want to feel sad when I see my son's name.

I understand that feeling of regret, and it's hard, but all the reasons above are about you rather than your child.

OP here, and I sort of see your point but don't totally agree. For instance, being able to put my child's full name on childhood mementos that I want to pass down to him isn't about me -- my goal in changing his name is to give him something important to carry with him, and wanting to put that name on mementos and other things is part of that.

Maybe I'm not explaining this right. I don't want to change his middle name so that I can call him by another name. I want to give him a middle name so that he can have something important for himself. My middle name is important to me. I know some people don't care about theirs and if he doesn't I'm totally okay with that. But I hate the idea of him disliking his middle name or thinking "ugh, why did my parents give me this name - they don't even like it" and not being able to tell him otherwise.

It just feels like a lapse in my care for him, that I caved on something that he's going to have to carry with him his whole life instead of taking the time to say "no, I want to give my son the right name that I chose with care." I want to correct that mistake.

I really do view this as something I am doing for him and not just for me or my ego.

A few points

1. Don't delude yourself. Any memento you pass down to him is something you are doing for yourself, not for him. What are you going to hand down to him that you give him after age 7?? "here baby are your cherished personalized lego sets"?? WTF. You have NO idea if your son will cherish something you gave him when he was 7+ years old. How much shit are you going to buy him as a tween/teen that has his full name on it? Are you, like, southern?

2. He HAS a middle name, it's HIS middle name. It IS important to him. This is YOUR hangup, not his.

3. I repeat, He HAS a middle name. It's not his fault his mom hates it. You don't know how he feels about it. If he dislikes it, it's only because you've gone on and on about how much YOU hate it. You've tainted it for him.

Your kid is SEVEN. He's not a baby. If you were talking about a baby, I would say fine, NBD, but he's SEVEN. I have an eight year old, I can't imagine going up to her and saying "Hey, I hate your middle name, I'm going to change it." That's insane. And so selfish.

[Anonymous]

This is totally all about you, and not him. FWIW, my mother plastered my name and my initials on all sorts of things. She tried to give those things to me and imply they were meaningful and sentimental and I should keep them forever before giving them to my children. I'm not sentimental and didn't want any of them.

You need to work out your own issues without dragging your son into it. It doesn't matter whether his middle name is on his school forms or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is totally all about you, and not him. FWIW, my mother plastered my name and my initials on all sorts of things. She tried to give those things to me and imply they were meaningful and sentimental and I should keep them forever before giving them to my children. I'm not sentimental and didn't want any of them.

You need to work out your own issues without dragging your son into it. It doesn't matter whether his middle name is on his school forms or not.

Right? And a boy, especially, is not going to want shit from his childhood. His future spouse/partner isn't going to want that shit? My MIL gave us stuff from when my husband was a baby and he stuck it in the attic, he doesn't want that old shit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're going to cause bureaucratic headaches for him when his birth certificate doesn't match his name. It's just an annoyance, but a pointless one

I can’t believe how uninformed people are about name changes.

After the waiting period you can get a new birth certificate with the new name. Sure, when he buys a house he’ll have to list his original name as an alias but guess what? I have never changed my name abd I still had a bunch of misspelled versions of my name and my wife’s last name listed as an alias.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is totally all about you, and not him. FWIW, my mother plastered my name and my initials on all sorts of things. She tried to give those things to me and imply they were meaningful and sentimental and I should keep them forever before giving them to my children. I'm not sentimental and didn't want any of them.

You need to work out your own issues without dragging your son into it. It doesn't matter whether his middle name is on his school forms or not.

Right? And a boy, especially, is not going to want shit from his childhood. His future spouse/partner isn't going to want that shit? My MIL gave us stuff from when my husband was a baby and he stuck it in the attic, he doesn't want that old shit.

Huh? What does this essay about your old childhood junk have to do with OP changing her son’s middle name?

[Anonymous]

The photo books now have only his first name (or no name) and the new ones would have his middle name too? Or would you redo them all? I don't know what including it more in school paperwork means or how that could possibly be worth all the hassle of a name change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, you don't even know what this kid's future holds. At our suburban public, tons of kids came back from quarantine with new names, either because they were transitioning or experimenting with some new persona. If he wants to change any part of his name, let him choose when HE has a valid reason!

WTF? Tons of kids at your public school were transitioning?

[Anonymous]

I think you should change his name OP—except I think you should delete the middle name altogether. It’s too late to add a new one in any meaningful way. You say your son doesn’t even know his middle name? Then change his name to Larlo LastName. That solves the problem of having a name you hate following your child for the rest of his life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is totally all about you, and not him. FWIW, my mother plastered my name and my initials on all sorts of things. She tried to give those things to me and imply they were meaningful and sentimental and I should keep them forever before giving them to my children. I'm not sentimental and didn't want any of them.

You need to work out your own issues without dragging your son into it. It doesn't matter whether his middle name is on his school forms or not.

Right? And a boy, especially, is not going to want shit from his childhood. His future spouse/partner isn't going to want that shit? My MIL gave us stuff from when my husband was a baby and he stuck it in the attic, he doesn't want that old shit.

My DH is much more attached to mementos from his childhood than I am. This isn't gendered. Some kids grow up to want those things and some don't. You have no idea what kind of kid you will have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should change his name OP—except I think you should delete the middle name altogether. It’s too late to add a new one in any meaningful way. You say your son doesn’t even know his middle name? Then change his name to Larlo LastName. That solves the problem of having a name you hate following your child for the rest of his life.

OP here and I appreciate this suggestion. I was expecting some naysayers (that's why I posted, because I wanted to hear argument against since I know I will hear them if I do it) but have been a bit surprised at how strongly some people feel. I'm definitely not trying to take something away from my son or force some issue on him. If anything, I was thinking that doing this would resolve this issue so it doesn't come up again later in life. But your suggestions is a good one as well. Maybe instead of fixing my mistake I can just kind of excise it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should change his name OP—except I think you should delete the middle name altogether. It’s too late to add a new one in any meaningful way. You say your son doesn’t even know his middle name? Then change his name to Larlo LastName. That solves the problem of having a name you hate following your child for the rest of his life.

OP here and I appreciate this suggestion. I was expecting some naysayers (that's why I posted, because I wanted to hear argument against since I know I will hear them if I do it) but have been a bit surprised at how strongly some people feel. I'm definitely not trying to take something away from my son or force some issue on him. If anything, I was thinking that doing this would resolve this issue so it doesn't come up again later in life. But your suggestions is a good one as well. Maybe instead of fixing my mistake I can just kind of excise it.

OP, what is this terrible name you are so bent on excising? Is it objectively terrible, like Adolph? Or is the name fine but you don't like what it represents to you (caving in to your mother)?

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m sorry the mom guilt is so strong with this for you…but I promise your son is not going to feel more loved if you change his middle name.

That name is his. You gave it to him, but it is the most basic, critical element of himself. To take him to court to change the name is essentially saying, “I don’t approve of you in your current state and I need to change you.” It’s not for him—you’ve said he doesn’t know/care about the name. It’s about you and your insecurities.

And I guarantee you if you start creating mementos with first/middle names on them they are for you, not him. I’ve never met any adult who kept trinkets from the childhood around. When my mom and MIL tried to give us boxes of stuff, it went straight into the trash.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is silly. A name change for a middle name that he doesn't use? Just don't use it.

This. OP you sound crazy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I use my middle name. I use it professionally a lot because my name is otherwise pretty common, and I also use it because I like it. So I guess I am biased because my own middle name is important to me, and I failed to give my son one that could be important to him.

When I say we will use it, what I mean is that I currently refrain from using my son's middle name unless forced to for administrative purposes. I never call him by that name and don't write it down anywhere ever.

If we changed it, I'd do things like put it in the title of the photo books we make for him periodically, use it more in school paperwork, make sure he knows what it is. And, if like me he ever wanted or needed to use it professionally, I would be happy to see him using his full name. Right now, if he ever decided to go by his first and middle name for any reason, I think it would give me a little pang of sadness. Not a big deal, I know, but I don't want to feel sad when I see my son's name.

I understand that feeling of regret, and it's hard, but all the reasons above are about you rather than your child.

OP here, and I sort of see your point but don't totally agree. For instance, being able to put my child's full name on childhood mementos that I want to pass down to him isn't about me -- my goal in changing his name is to give him something important to carry with him, and wanting to put that name on mementos and other things is part of that.

Maybe I'm not explaining this right. I don't want to change his middle name so that I can call him by another name. I want to give him a middle name so that he can have something important for himself. My middle name is important to me. I know some people don't care about theirs and if he doesn't I'm totally okay with that. But I hate the idea of him disliking his middle name or thinking "ugh, why did my parents give me this name - they don't even like it" and not being able to tell him otherwise.

It just feels like a lapse in my care for him, that I caved on something that he's going to have to carry with him his whole life instead of taking the time to say "no, I want to give my son the right name that I chose with care." I want to correct that mistake.

I really do view this as something I am doing for him and not just for me or my ego.

A few points

1. Don't delude yourself. Any memento you pass down to him is something you are doing for yourself, not for him. What are you going to hand down to him that you give him after age 7?? "here baby are your cherished personalized lego sets"?? WTF. You have NO idea if your son will cherish something you gave him when he was 7+ years old. How much shit are you going to buy him as a tween/teen that has his full name on it? Are you, like, southern?

2. He HAS a middle name, it's HIS middle name. It IS important to him. This is YOUR hangup, not his.

3. I repeat, He HAS a middle name. It's not his fault his mom hates it. You don't know how he feels about it. If he dislikes it, it's only because you've gone on and on about how much YOU hate it. You've tainted it for him.

Your kid is SEVEN. He's not a baby. If you were talking about a baby, I would say fine, NBD, but he's SEVEN. I have an eight year old, I can't imagine going up to her and saying "Hey, I hate your middle name, I'm going to change it." That's insane. And so selfish.

Why do you assume his middle name won’t be important to him because you don’t like it? Why do you assume it would be important to him if you do like it?