Reply to Changing child's middle name after many years

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[quote=Anonymous]OP here. Thanks for all the feedback. This was a really useful way for me to think through all the pros and cons.

I've talked it over with my husband, I think we are going to add the name I've picked out as a second middle name. That way we're not taking anything away from DS and he can choose later in life if he wants to use either middle name or both. Or neither! I think being able to name your child is just something that mattered to me more than I thought it did, and I just basically gave it up -- his first name was my DH's choice (I like it a lot but it comes from my DH's side of the family and was very important to him) and he has my DH's last name. The middle name was something we'd agreed I would get to choose and in the end I didn't -- I caved to intense pressure from my mom (she became very depressed during my pregnancy and held me hostage to this name, saying it was only thing that would make her feel any better and that if I chose another name she would consider it a persona insult) and as a result I didn't really choose my son's name. I get many of you seem to think this is no big deal and that middle names don't matter, and that's fine for you. But in my case, it was a big deal to me and my son's middle name really matters to me.

To posters saying I need therapy, thanks. I've been in therapy since I experienced postpartum depression when my son was born, and my relationship with my mom and learning to detach from her manipulation tactics and set healthy boundaries has been a huge part of that. That is specifically why the name issue continues to bother me -- because now that I better understand how to assert myself and deal with her behavior, my son's name is a strong reminder of how hard that used to be for me and how miserable she used to make me. This name change is something I've discussed with my therapist (who is supportive) and is absolutely part of me developing a healthier relationship with my mom.

For what it's worth, my mom gave me my middle name and it's really important to me and I value it even though obviously our relationship is complex. In a way, getting to choose my own son's middle name is a way of honoring that connection I have with my mom, even if she won't see it that way.

I know some of you won't care about this explanation and simply view it as further evidence that I'm crazy or a bad mom, and I'm okay with that. But I thought it was worth providing it for the sake of clarification and in case there are any other people like me out there who might benefit from hearing about my thinking. Wishing you all the best.[/quote]

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