Changing child's middle name after many years

[Anonymous]

Have another child and pick all three names - problem solved.

[Anonymous]

This is completely unhinged. OP, you seem obsessive and hyper focused on this issue. Your kid has a name, it doesn’t belong to you anymore, it’s his. Let him own it.

[Anonymous]

This is the most ridiculous thing I’ve heard in a long time. I think you need therapy. That may sound snarky, but I mean it…if you haven’t already sought therapy for anxiety or unresolved childhood issues then I highly recommend it.

[Anonymous]

OP, adding the name won't fix the problem.

[Anonymous]

Could you use the new middle name socially, just not legally?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the feedback. This was a really useful way for me to think through all the pros and cons.

I've talked it over with my husband, I think we are going to add the name I've picked out as a second middle name. That way we're not taking anything away from DS and he can choose later in life if he wants to use either middle name or both. Or neither! I think being able to name your child is just something that mattered to me more than I thought it did, and I just basically gave it up -- his first name was my DH's choice (I like it a lot but it comes from my DH's side of the family and was very important to him) and he has my DH's last name. The middle name was something we'd agreed I would get to choose and in the end I didn't -- I caved to intense pressure from my mom (she became very depressed during my pregnancy and held me hostage to this name, saying it was only thing that would make her feel any better and that if I chose another name she would consider it a persona insult) and as a result I didn't really choose my son's name. I get many of you seem to think this is no big deal and that middle names don't matter, and that's fine for you. But in my case, it was a big deal to me and my son's middle name really matters to me.

To posters saying I need therapy, thanks. I've been in therapy since I experienced postpartum depression when my son was born, and my relationship with my mom and learning to detach from her manipulation tactics and set healthy boundaries has been a huge part of that. That is specifically why the name issue continues to bother me -- because now that I better understand how to assert myself and deal with her behavior, my son's name is a strong reminder of how hard that used to be for me and how miserable she used to make me. This name change is something I've discussed with my therapist (who is supportive) and is absolutely part of me developing a healthier relationship with my mom.

For what it's worth, my mom gave me my middle name and it's really important to me and I value it even though obviously our relationship is complex. In a way, getting to choose my own son's middle name is a way of honoring that connection I have with my mom, even if she won't see it that way.

I know some of you won't care about this explanation and simply view it as further evidence that I'm crazy or a bad mom, and I'm okay with that. But I thought it was worth providing it for the sake of clarification and in case there are any other people like me out there who might benefit from hearing about my thinking. Wishing you all the best.

I was strongly in the camp of don’t do it, doesn’t make sense, no big deal. BUT, if you are going to do it anyway or as part of your therapy, then just change it. Don’t add a second middle name. You’ll still be annoyed every time you see the old name and would you really print both on your precious mementoes? Plus, as someone who had two middle names growing up, the second inevitably gets dropped —there’s only one place for a single middle initial.

[Anonymous]

Don’t listen to the people who are telling you this is crazy. It’s not a big deal and if it feels important to you, then I would do it.

[Anonymous]

I thought you were crazy at first.

But then I realized 90% of my family go by their middle name amongst family/friends. And our first name is reserved for professional settings or those that don’t know us too well.

If you’re family is like this as well then I’d change it.

[Anonymous]

What you’re really changing is his everyday name, not just his middle name. If he’s been Bart all his life so far and you suddenly want to start calling him Milhouse, that might be weird for him. 7 is old enough to have an identity. If you were just changing his middle name but not changing what he’s called in a day to say basis, that’s no problem at all.

[Anonymous]

OP I understand I really do. We did infertility for 7 long years (every 2-3 years I would get pregnant then MC). By the time the kids were born other members of the family had used the names we liked.
But more importantly my MIL INSISTED on naming our kids. She got really angry and threatened to hurt them if she didn’t get to choose the names. She and s friend had spent DAYS picking out names and gave us a list. Being a wimp I probably would have gone along with it.
But we already had that name used in several branches of the family. It turned into a real family drama. Later we found out it was dementia that MIL had. In any case it was stressful!

[Anonymous]

PP from above … so in any case do what you need to do. The hospital also pressures mothers to put a name any name on the BC just for their records. So there can be a lot of reasons that have nothing to do with your mental health. Go ahead and make the changes you need and don’t worry what DCUM busy bodies think. They are not you.

[Anonymous]

My name By the way is like Mary Smith. Without a middle name I am one of hundreds maybe thousands of others. I HAVE to use my middle name on legal documents.

[Anonymous]

I read your update. Initially I was the one suggesting getting rid of the middle name and legally changing his name to firstname LastName. I changed my mind. I think you should just use the name you want for the middle. If you use both, the name your mom picked is going to be prominently featured at every important life event. It’s going to be there at graduations and weddings and christenings. Plus oftentimes only the first initial is used. Just change it NOW to what you wanted. Your son is 7 your window fir doing this rapidly closing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is silly. A name change for a middle name that he doesn't use? Just don't use it.

This. OP you sound crazy

+1 As in batshit…please get therapy.