Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?

[Anonymous]

My spouse and I have sex once a month, in a good month. I have tried for over a decade to get us to a good spot sexually, and nothing has improved it.

I am not actively cheating but if the right opportunity came along, I would do it. To those who aren't in a sex starved marriage, you don't understand and that's ok. I wouldn't wish this on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately, for me, it’s a high. Knowing that a woman, other than your significant other, wants you and will do anything in bed for you, is a high. Yes, it sucks and I have a major character flaw. I’m pretty messed up over it and no one knows that about me.

This is the best summary. Cheaters like the way the AP makes them feel about themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately, for me, it’s a high. Knowing that a woman, other than your significant other, wants you and will do anything in bed for you, is a high. Yes, it sucks and I have a major character flaw. I’m pretty messed up over it and no one knows that about me.

This is the best summary. Cheaters like the way the AP makes them feel about themselves.

I’m the OP and yeah, it sucks. I want to fix this flaw. Is there a therapist that specializes in whatever is going on inside my head?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately, for me, it’s a high. Knowing that a woman, other than your significant other, wants you and will do anything in bed for you, is a high. Yes, it sucks and I have a major character flaw. I’m pretty messed up over it and no one knows that about me.

This is the best summary. Cheaters like the way the AP makes them feel about themselves.

I’m the OP and yeah, it sucks. I want to fix this flaw. Is there a therapist that specializes in whatever is going on inside my head?

It’s a narcissistic trait. The need for great amounts of external validation. Healthy people don’t require this to feel good about themselves.

See a therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately, for me, it’s a high. Knowing that a woman, other than your significant other, wants you and will do anything in bed for you, is a high. Yes, it sucks and I have a major character flaw. I’m pretty messed up over it and no one knows that about me.

This is the best summary. Cheaters like the way the AP makes them feel about themselves.

I’m the OP and yeah, it sucks. I want to fix this flaw. Is there a therapist that specializes in whatever is going on inside my head?

It’s a narcissistic trait. The need for great amounts of external validation. Healthy people don’t require this to feel good about themselves.

See a therapist.

+1

And learn to be alone. Do you just jump from one relationship to the next? Are you familiar with the term limerence?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately, for me, it’s a high. Knowing that a woman, other than your significant other, wants you and will do anything in bed for you, is a high. Yes, it sucks and I have a major character flaw. I’m pretty messed up over it and no one knows that about me.

This is the best summary. Cheaters like the way the AP makes them feel about themselves.

I’m the OP and yeah, it sucks. I want to fix this flaw. Is there a therapist that specializes in whatever is going on inside my head?

It’s a narcissistic trait. The need for great amounts of external validation. Healthy people don’t require this to feel good about themselves.

See a therapist.

+1

And learn to be alone. Do you just jump from one relationship to the next? Are you familiar with the term limerence?

Doing some reflection, I wasn’t a cheater until a girl I was dating for years ended it. I was faithful with her the entire time we were together. Once that ended, it triggered something and I became who I became.
No, I don’t jump from one relationship to another and I was alone for eight years. I enjoyed life, lived free and did what I wanted to do. Call it selfish? I just looked up limerence.
I’m definitely going to seek out a therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spouse and I have sex once a month, in a good month. I have tried for over a decade to get us to a good spot sexually, and nothing has improved it.

I am not actively cheating but if the right opportunity came along, I would do it. To those who aren't in a sex starved marriage, you don't understand and that's ok. I wouldn't wish this on you.

But since your spouse does not want sex, you are not "cheating" to seek that unimportant thing elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse and I have sex once a month, in a good month. I have tried for over a decade to get us to a good spot sexually, and nothing has improved it.

I am not actively cheating but if the right opportunity came along, I would do it. To those who aren't in a sex starved marriage, you don't understand and that's ok. I wouldn't wish this on you.

But since your spouse does not want sex, you are not "cheating" to seek that unimportant thing elsewhere.

Yeah, and to be honest, she has said that if I cheat, she doesn't want to know. I wonder how common this is, long marriages where one spouse loses interest and agrees to not ask questions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse and I have sex once a month, in a good month. I have tried for over a decade to get us to a good spot sexually, and nothing has improved it.

I am not actively cheating but if the right opportunity came along, I would do it. To those who aren't in a sex starved marriage, you don't understand and that's ok. I wouldn't wish this on you.

But since your spouse does not want sex, you are not "cheating" to seek that unimportant thing elsewhere.

Yeah, and to be honest, she has said that if I cheat, she doesn't want to know. I wonder how common this is, long marriages where one spouse loses interest and agrees to not ask questions.

The sexless spouse has no say in how/where the normal spouse meets their sexual need. Who cares what they “agree” to given there was no agreement to become sexless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a 39 year old divorced mother who is bookmarking this thread. I’ll take a look at it anytime I think of marrying again. There is no value to marriage when you already have your own stability, wealth, and children. So much easier to leave a cheating partner than to untangle a cheating spouse from your life.

I posted on p.15. Came across the bookmark and bumping for a friendly reminder to myself, maybe others who haven’t participated or seen the thread prior.

[Anonymous]

Dated a married man. He complained about his wife constantly. Family provided opportunities for his career or he would have left. Amazing sex!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

My cheater was just diagnosed as a clinical narcissist with histrionic disorder. Two opinions, extensive testing. Same diagnosis.

In other posts, you have described your husband (generally) as personable and well-liked. It’s weird you are just finding out after 20 years of marriage that he’s a narcissist. Narcissists are usually really hard to live with - they are always right, everything is about them, etc. Seems like it would show up through more than just cheating (not underplaying they cheating, which is traumatic).

Some are master manipulators. There are different types- not all are malignant narcissists. Tests differentiate the strains and variances. I have a 30 page medical diagnosis in my lap.

And—some are so skilled they beat polygraph tests and full their therapists. The charm effect with zero empathy. They learn how to “act empathetic” but the feelings aren’t there.

Additionally, in terms of childhood issues/parental as a factor it does tend to peak in 40s.

I did not realilze that narcissism could be diagnosed. Has there been emerging treatment? Aside from grey rocking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a 39 year old divorced mother who is bookmarking this thread. I’ll take a look at it anytime I think of marrying again. There is no value to marriage when you already have your own stability, wealth, and children. So much easier to leave a cheating partner than to untangle a cheating spouse from your life.

I posted on p.15. Came across the bookmark and bumping for a friendly reminder to myself, maybe others who haven’t participated or seen the thread prior.

I'm the same PP again. He was cheating. Glad we weren't married. Losing the baby while tragic was a 2nd lease on life. That said he also ghosted me. So - touche earlier me of DCUM past. It is easier to untangle when you're not married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What kind of person?

The kind of person that knows something is wrong but either doesn't care or can't stop themselves.
Impulsive.
Unable to fully understand what another person may feel as a result of his/her actions.
Engages in self-delusion.
Thinks they will be able to evade consequences.
Wants other people to have a certain view of him/her and willing to engage in deception to achieve that.
Manipulative.
Lies.
Concerned with self-image.
Comfortable with a dual life and compartmentalizing.
Unable to put other people's interests ahead of own.
Obsessive thought patterns.
Unable to self-regulate emotions.
Irresponsible.

I'm sure there's more.....

Insecurity (fear of loss, no sense of security/attachment/safety) is a root cause to most all of what you listed. Clearly staying married is not the answer to creating happy healthy emotionally mature and well adjusted children that grow into adults who can breed more of the same.

Physician, heal thyself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have never understood the emotional and intellectual circumstances that compel someone to have sex with someone who is not their significant other. The part I particularly don't understand is that they obviously know that sex outside of their relationship is not ok. They know it would mean the death of their relationship or in the least create significant problems for the foreseeable future. They know the lying and sneaking and betrayal will crush and devastated their partner.

Then...why do they do it? If they are out of love with their significant other, why do they not just end the relationship or take steps to do it? Then they can freely go and find someone else.

They all say: they never thought they would get caught.

100% of them.

They rationalize their spouse won’t get hurt because their spouse will never find out.

They only think about themselves, not the consequences.