Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never understood the emotional and intellectual circumstances that compel someone to have sex with someone who is not their significant other. The part I particularly don't understand is that they obviously know that sex outside of their relationship is not ok. They know it would mean the death of their relationship or in the least create significant problems for the foreseeable future. They know the lying and sneaking and betrayal will crush and devastated their partner.

Then...why do they do it? If they are out of love with their significant other, why do they not just end the relationship or take steps to do it? Then they can freely go and find someone else.

They all say: they never thought they would get caught.

100% of them.

They rationalize their spouse won’t get hurt because their spouse will never find out.

They only think about themselves, not the consequences.

64% of men are happy in their marriages and love their wives. This is a side activity they compartmentalize and never intend for it to go anywhere. Variety.

[Anonymous]

64%? Not 66%? What if the wife is hot and banging it out 4-7x a week and OW is from Bethesda?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:64%? Not 66%? What if the wife is hot and banging it out 4-7x a week and OW is from Bethesda?

N.Bethesda? You know: Rockville

[Anonymous]

Many people do not see it as relevant as you see it. They believe it is just sex. Why not? Taking the appropriate precautions etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many people do not see it as relevant as you see it. They believe it is just sex. Why not? Taking the appropriate precautions etc.

Those people are broken. If it’s just sex, have the courage to tell the person you love and own it. Find a match that agrees — they’re out there. The act of having sex is not so much the issue as the deceit required to do it. You lose credibility. You lose relevance. You don’t get to decide how other people interpret betrayal. If you understand and actually respect an opinion outside of your own, even if you don’t agree with it, you have some level of self-awareness around how it can hurt the person that is in love with you, and trusts you with a deep level of vulnerability.

If you cannot tell that person you aren’t a safe space, you’re not in any position to talk about whether it is relevant to any view; you’re selfishly only preoccupied with your view. Which means you cannot really expand your consciousness and love the way all people have the capacity to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many people do not see it as relevant as you see it. They believe it is just sex. Why not? Taking the appropriate precautions etc.

Those people are broken. If it’s just sex, have the courage to tell the person you love and own it. Find a match that agrees — they’re out there. The act of having sex is not so much the issue as the deceit required to do it. You lose credibility. You lose relevance. You don’t get to decide how other people interpret betrayal. If you understand and actually respect an opinion outside of your own, even if you don’t agree with it, you have some level of self-awareness around how it can hurt the person that is in love with you, and trusts you with a deep level of vulnerability.

If you cannot tell that person you aren’t a safe space, you’re not in any position to talk about whether it is relevant to any view; you’re selfishly only preoccupied with your view. Which means you cannot really expand your consciousness and love the way all people have the capacity to do.

Well, I see your point. That said, many people are not 100% transparent. If they think that their partner will not know it, that it is occasional, and, again, that it is not such a big deal, they will do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never understood the emotional and intellectual circumstances that compel someone to have sex with someone who is not their significant other. The part I particularly don't understand is that they obviously know that sex outside of their relationship is not ok. They know it would mean the death of their relationship or in the least create significant problems for the foreseeable future. They know the lying and sneaking and betrayal will crush and devastated their partner.

Then...why do they do it? If they are out of love with their significant other, why do they not just end the relationship or take steps to do it? Then they can freely go and find someone else.

They all say: they never thought they would get caught.

100% of them.

They rationalize their spouse won’t get hurt because their spouse will never find out.

They only think about themselves, not the consequences.

64% of men are happy in their marriages and love their wives. This is a side activity they compartmentalize and never intend for it to go anywhere. Variety.

"happy in marriage" and "love wife" does not mean those men are getting enough sex: only 11% of married men get that

[Anonymous]

So much navel-gazing and armchair therapy around a very simple answer to the OP's question: they do it because it feels good. Same reason as people take drugs or make other doubtful choices. It feels good in the moment. That's all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So much navel-gazing and armchair therapy around a very simple answer to the OP's question: they do it because it feels good. Same reason as people take drugs or make other doubtful choices. It feels good in the moment. That's all.

Well at least the bodily harm from drinking is only to their own livers- unlike cheating which harms the body of the betrayed spouse with STIs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never understood the emotional and intellectual circumstances that compel someone to have sex with someone who is not their significant other. The part I particularly don't understand is that they obviously know that sex outside of their relationship is not ok. They know it would mean the death of their relationship or in the least create significant problems for the foreseeable future. They know the lying and sneaking and betrayal will crush and devastated their partner.

Then...why do they do it? If they are out of love with their significant other, why do they not just end the relationship or take steps to do it? Then they can freely go and find someone else.

They all say: they never thought they would get caught.

100% of them.

They rationalize their spouse won’t get hurt because their spouse will never find out.

They only think about themselves, not the consequences.

Bingo!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never understood the emotional and intellectual circumstances that compel someone to have sex with someone who is not their significant other. The part I particularly don't understand is that they obviously know that sex outside of their relationship is not ok. They know it would mean the death of their relationship or in the least create significant problems for the foreseeable future. They know the lying and sneaking and betrayal will crush and devastated their partner.

Then...why do they do it? If they are out of love with their significant other, why do they not just end the relationship or take steps to do it? Then they can freely go and find someone else.

They all say: they never thought they would get caught.

100% of them.

They rationalize their spouse won’t get hurt because their spouse will never find out.

They only think about themselves, not the consequences.

Bingo!

+2. The epitome of selfishness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many people do not see it as relevant as you see it. They believe it is just sex. Why not? Taking the appropriate precautions etc.

Those people are broken. If it’s just sex, have the courage to tell the person you love and own it. Find a match that agrees — they’re out there. The act of having sex is not so much the issue as the deceit required to do it. You lose credibility. You lose relevance. You don’t get to decide how other people interpret betrayal. If you understand and actually respect an opinion outside of your own, even if you don’t agree with it, you have some level of self-awareness around how it can hurt the person that is in love with you, and trusts you with a deep level of vulnerability.

If you cannot tell that person you aren’t a safe space, you’re not in any position to talk about whether it is relevant to any view; you’re selfishly only preoccupied with your view. Which means you cannot really expand your consciousness and love the way all people have the capacity to do.

Well, I see your point. That said, many people are not 100% transparent. If they think that their partner will not know it, that it is occasional, and, again, that it is not such a big deal, they will do it.

Those people are untrustworthy and not a “partner” at all. They are cowardly, deceitful, selfish, and manipulative. If it feels good to be this way, they are no partner of mine. Cheating should cause distress because of the lies and dishonesty. The person who lets it roll off their back like swear has serious issues. Everyone doesn’t think like that, Larla.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So much navel-gazing and armchair therapy around a very simple answer to the OP's question: they do it because it feels good. Same reason as people take drugs or make other doubtful choices. It feels good in the moment. That's all.

Obviously but there is much more to it than that. Exercise, eating donuts, wearing makeup, smoking when you’re addicted, looking at pretty architecture, etc. all make you feel good, but the motivations for choosing the action that makes you feel good differ. I would say that making the choice to remain faithful to your spouse even when it’s hard feels really good too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So much navel-gazing and armchair therapy around a very simple answer to the OP's question: they do it because it feels good. Same reason as people take drugs or make other doubtful choices. It feels good in the moment. That's all.

Obviously but there is much more to it than that. Exercise, eating donuts, wearing makeup, smoking when you’re addicted, looking at pretty architecture, etc. all make you feel good, but the motivations for choosing the action that makes you feel good differ. I would say that making the choice to remain faithful to your spouse even when it’s hard feels really good too.

I'm sure shooting heroin would feel good too. I'm not going to blow up my life. Some of these people get addicted to the rush and do it over and over again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So much navel-gazing and armchair therapy around a very simple answer to the OP's question: they do it because it feels good. Same reason as people take drugs or make other doubtful choices. It feels good in the moment. That's all.

Obviously but there is much more to it than that. Exercise, eating donuts, wearing makeup, smoking when you’re addicted, looking at pretty architecture, etc. all make you feel good, but the motivations for choosing the action that makes you feel good differ. I would say that making the choice to remain faithful to your spouse even when it’s hard feels really good too.

The implication here is perfectly articulated. Agree, 100%.