Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The ability to compartmentalize is not gender specific.

It is much more prominent in men. But, yes, some women can do it. Compartmentalization that is in the service of acting out is designed for one thing: to keep secretive and non-secretive worlds separate from each other. To accomplish this, an internal-mental-emotional segregation needs to occur.

Men are more emotionally compartmentalized — women's brains seem to have more overall connectivity, which means emotions from one experience or task spill into other experiences and tasks. When the brain might be more holistically integrated, it is more difficult to not let a "bad day" spill over into activities and relationships outside of work

Because identifying males are often taught not to bring emotions with them, many have developed habits of separating them out from other parts of their daily lives.

Once you leave the world of acting-out and reenter your non-secretive reality — the world of connection and commitments — you may find that you need to wall yourself off from the acting-out that just occurred. This mental distancing from the secretive is used to help reengage with your loved ones and the commitments/responsibilities of your life; a distancing that walls off any feelings of shame, guilt and/or despair you might feel when you come face-to-face with the implications of your actions. The affair/cheating literally never crosses over in their day to day life with wife and kids. They can leave it in the hotel room and then go back to loving husband/father.

Once back in your non-secretive world, you can then reclaim the virtues, beliefs and values you hold while ignoring/denying the ways in which you violated these beliefs and values.

When compartmentalization is used to foster acting-out, it is because the acting-out experience is highly incompatible with how you see and experience yourself; and incompatible with the life you’ve created. These incompatible experiences cannot coexist at the same time within consciousness.

When the obligations of life and the impact of your actions on those you care about break through the walls of compartmentalization (or you are caught) and enter into the hidden world of acting-out, the acting-out experience is altered and often collapses.

During this collapse, the feelings you were segregating into boxes (feelings such as guilt, shame, fear, disbelief, shock, despair, self-loathing) may flood you. Some people end up relying on mind-altering substances in an effort to keep the walls of compartmentalization from cracking; alcohol and/or drugs are frequently used to eradicate the inner presence of loved ones and the real life consequences of certain kinds of acting-out.

Sooner or later, living this way catches up to you. It’s not sustainable. And once you acknowledge this, a journey toward healing can begin.

^100%

The dark side of compartmentalization leads to a fracturing of the self and the toll of this fracturing can be significant. For some, the ability to destructively compartmentalize has its origin in a painful childhood where family secrets, childhood neglect, physical and/or sexual abuse laid the groundwork for destructive escapism, an escapism that is being fed by these earlier, unhealed wounds.

This trauma-based compartmentalization may be part of dissociative defenses that occurred in childhood as a way to manage overwhelming fear and pain. But not all compartmentalization is trauma-based.

Learning to understand what drives your need for escapism and destructive acting-out are important first steps in regaining wholeness and integrity. For this to occur, the walls of compartmentalization need to slowly come down.

Oof - this is eerily accurate. Where can I read more about this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The ability to compartmentalize is not gender specific.

It is much more prominent in men. But, yes, some women can do it. Compartmentalization that is in the service of acting out is designed for one thing: to keep secretive and non-secretive worlds separate from each other. To accomplish this, an internal-mental-emotional segregation needs to occur.

Men are more emotionally compartmentalized — women's brains seem to have more overall connectivity, which means emotions from one experience or task spill into other experiences and tasks. When the brain might be more holistically integrated, it is more difficult to not let a "bad day" spill over into activities and relationships outside of work

Because identifying males are often taught not to bring emotions with them, many have developed habits of separating them out from other parts of their daily lives.

Once you leave the world of acting-out and reenter your non-secretive reality — the world of connection and commitments — you may find that you need to wall yourself off from the acting-out that just occurred. This mental distancing from the secretive is used to help reengage with your loved ones and the commitments/responsibilities of your life; a distancing that walls off any feelings of shame, guilt and/or despair you might feel when you come face-to-face with the implications of your actions. The affair/cheating literally never crosses over in their day to day life with wife and kids. They can leave it in the hotel room and then go back to loving husband/father.

Once back in your non-secretive world, you can then reclaim the virtues, beliefs and values you hold while ignoring/denying the ways in which you violated these beliefs and values.

When compartmentalization is used to foster acting-out, it is because the acting-out experience is highly incompatible with how you see and experience yourself; and incompatible with the life you’ve created. These incompatible experiences cannot coexist at the same time within consciousness.

When the obligations of life and the impact of your actions on those you care about break through the walls of compartmentalization (or you are caught) and enter into the hidden world of acting-out, the acting-out experience is altered and often collapses.

During this collapse, the feelings you were segregating into boxes (feelings such as guilt, shame, fear, disbelief, shock, despair, self-loathing) may flood you. Some people end up relying on mind-altering substances in an effort to keep the walls of compartmentalization from cracking; alcohol and/or drugs are frequently used to eradicate the inner presence of loved ones and the real life consequences of certain kinds of acting-out.

Sooner or later, living this way catches up to you. It’s not sustainable. And once you acknowledge this, a journey toward healing can begin.

^100%

The dark side of compartmentalization leads to a fracturing of the self and the toll of this fracturing can be significant. For some, the ability to destructively compartmentalize has its origin in a painful childhood where family secrets, childhood neglect, physical and/or sexual abuse laid the groundwork for destructive escapism, an escapism that is being fed by these earlier, unhealed wounds.

This trauma-based compartmentalization may be part of dissociative defenses that occurred in childhood as a way to manage overwhelming fear and pain. But not all compartmentalization is trauma-based.

Learning to understand what drives your need for escapism and destructive acting-out are important first steps in regaining wholeness and integrity. For this to occur, the walls of compartmentalization need to slowly come down.

Oof - this is eerily accurate. Where can I read more about this?

If you just google compartmentalization and affairs, it will open up a treasure trove of studies, articles and books.

[Anonymous]

I’ve had a very different opinion on this than I do today. And I’m open to the idea that my opinion changes again in the future. Opinions are just opinions.
Anyway, I now think that “cheating” is a poor term to use. A partner in a relationship may cheat the other side in a multitude of ways. Any significant change in the relationship that strongly affects the other, but is unilateral is basically a form of cheating. This discussion is very much oriented towards a definition of cheating that consists only of sex outside the marriage. That’s one example. But in my eyes (currently) the marital obligation was not simply to not sleep with other people… the other side of this commitment is to have a satisfying sexual relationship inside the marriage. A lot of marriages become lacking in sex, and people tend to view it as simply having intercourse or not. But for many partners it’s actually about intimacy, trust, self worth, and a very physical desire for touch and contact (not strictly sex. Intimacy). A partner (male or female) that unilaterally takes that away is to me just as un-fair as someone who reacts to this by seeking her/his needs elsewhere.
In some marriages, I totally understand a “cheater”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve had a very different opinion on this than I do today. And I’m open to the idea that my opinion changes again in the future. Opinions are just opinions.
Anyway, I now think that “cheating” is a poor term to use. A partner in a relationship may cheat the other side in a multitude of ways. Any significant change in the relationship that strongly affects the other, but is unilateral is basically a form of cheating. This discussion is very much oriented towards a definition of cheating that consists only of sex outside the marriage. That’s one example. But in my eyes (currently) the marital obligation was not simply to not sleep with other people… the other side of this commitment is to have a satisfying sexual relationship inside the marriage. A lot of marriages become lacking in sex, and people tend to view it as simply having intercourse or not. But for many partners it’s actually about intimacy, trust, self worth, and a very physical desire for touch and contact (not strictly sex. Intimacy). A partner (male or female) that unilaterally takes that away is to me just as un-fair as someone who reacts to this by seeking her/his needs elsewhere.
In some marriages, I totally understand a “cheater”.

A lot of time it’s the behavior of the cheater in the marriage that erodes the intimacy. I also know men that just spend 40 min to 1 hour once or twice a month with AP (straight to the bed) so that is not intimacy- just flattery and sex. The compartmentalization is strong because many are still having sec and doing loving deeds with/for the wife.

If I’ve learned anything, nobody’s reasons or cheating is the same. Generalizations don’t work. But, yes, in affairs where the partners see each other a lot or work together the intimacy may be a factor, not so much for the just see to bang once a month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve had a very different opinion on this than I do today. And I’m open to the idea that my opinion changes again in the future. Opinions are just opinions.
Anyway, I now think that “cheating” is a poor term to use. A partner in a relationship may cheat the other side in a multitude of ways. Any significant change in the relationship that strongly affects the other, but is unilateral is basically a form of cheating. This discussion is very much oriented towards a definition of cheating that consists only of sex outside the marriage. That’s one example. But in my eyes (currently) the marital obligation was not simply to not sleep with other people… the other side of this commitment is to have a satisfying sexual relationship inside the marriage. A lot of marriages become lacking in sex, and people tend to view it as simply having intercourse or not. But for many partners it’s actually about intimacy, trust, self worth, and a very physical desire for touch and contact (not strictly sex. Intimacy). A partner (male or female) that unilaterally takes that away is to me just as un-fair as someone who reacts to this by seeking her/his needs elsewhere.
In some marriages, I totally understand a “cheater”.

Interesting. The cheater always has a story he/she tells him/herself about why what they're doing isn't cheating, how the marriage was already ruined, how the cheating is just a response to the way in which the non-cheater was doing something bad that justified the cheating.

Those stories told to the self to justify actions are what enables the cheater to compartmentalize behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[

Put another way, male sexual desire tends to be driven by physiological rather than psychological factors. This is why porn sites created for male users feature short scenarios focused on body parts and overt sexual acts and little else. Even porn literature for men tends to focus more on sexual acts than on relationships and feelings.

Thank me for not quoting the whole book. As a serial cheater of over a decade I can tell you that every single thing you written attributable to men is equally attributable to the women I've met and vice versa

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve had a very different opinion on this than I do today. And I’m open to the idea that my opinion changes again in the future. Opinions are just opinions.
Anyway, I now think that “cheating” is a poor term to use. A partner in a relationship may cheat the other side in a multitude of ways. Any significant change in the relationship that strongly affects the other, but is unilateral is basically a form of cheating. This discussion is very much oriented towards a definition of cheating that consists only of sex outside the marriage. That’s one example. But in my eyes (currently) the marital obligation was not simply to not sleep with other people… the other side of this commitment is to have a satisfying sexual relationship inside the marriage. A lot of marriages become lacking in sex, and people tend to view it as simply having intercourse or not. But for many partners it’s actually about intimacy, trust, self worth, and a very physical desire for touch and contact (not strictly sex. Intimacy). A partner (male or female) that unilaterally takes that away is to me just as un-fair as someone who reacts to this by seeking her/his needs elsewhere.
In some marriages, I totally understand a “cheater”.

Interesting. The cheater always has a story he/she tells him/herself about why what they're doing isn't cheating, how the marriage was already ruined, how the cheating is just a response to the way in which the non-cheater was doing something bad that justified the cheating.

Those stories told to the self to justify actions are what enables the cheater to compartmentalize behavior.

You caught that too ? They played right to the description of compartmentalizing the deceitful behavior.

[Anonymous]

Wow, 55 pages?!?

Here was my mindset. It was libido. I had a super high drive in my 20s and 30s and was sex obsessed. Combine it with work travel and my wife at home who wanted nothing to do with sex for years after kids came and there you go

I am late 40s now, and my sex drive is way lower. Sex life at home is still low, maybe 1-2 x a month but I have no real desire to chase women.

I think this is the simple explanation for most men. No idea how this topic fills 55 pages

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, 55 pages?!?

Here was my mindset. It was libido. I had a super high drive in my 20s and 30s and was sex obsessed. Combine it with work travel and my wife at home who wanted nothing to do with sex for years after kids came and there you go

I am late 40s now, and my sex drive is way lower. Sex life at home is still low, maybe 1-2 x a month but I have no real desire to chase women.

I think this is the simple explanation for most men. No idea how this topic fills 55 pages

Where didnyou normally meet your AP’s? Hotel bars? I’ve heard that people in hotel bars are usually looking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you can do it without getting caught, then there's no harm done.

And divorce is messy, complicated and expensive. Particularly if you have kids.

So untrue.

And, they will always eventually get caught over time.

Ask them how that turned out for them and their kids?

Cheated for over 10 years with just over 20 women. Never got caught. Only one of the women got caught. Still in touch with some of them. For many, it's a lifestyle they know how to manage. The new people get caught because they don't take the proper precautions. .

Be honest. You feel no guilt at all?

Cheating wife here. Do you think my husband feels guilty that I do everything at home and for the kids yet make more money? No I can tell you right now he feels no guilt. He says,"You're the one who wanted kids." He is not going to be guilted into being an equal partner so why should I feel guilty? Honestly, so long as he gets his weekly 15 minute sex why should he care what I do the rest of the time?

PP again. I'm sorry that you're hurting, too. No one takes vows and plans for a marriage like that.

You feel sorry for this callous cheater?

Yes. I feel sad for ultimate acceptance of a failed state of marriage. It was never created to construct. Marriage was an institution created to grow and perfect with a complimentary partner. Why would I be angry towards a stranger? They aren’t cheating on me. I’m not cheating. If you feel angry towards a stranger, you probably have misdirected emotion. No one should be able to take your peace or joy. I get that it happens sometimes but embracing it as a way of life gives cheaters/abusers permission to still have negative influence over your life. My cheater didn’t pollute my ability to love, or empathize, or trust. Though it was a lot of work to avoid those consequences. This couple is so far away from a state of ideal family it is sad. No one plans for it but imperfection in humans can sometimes take over and steer everything off a cliff.

[Anonymous]

*destruct, not construct

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, 55 pages?!?

Here was my mindset. It was libido. I had a super high drive in my 20s and 30s and was sex obsessed. Combine it with work travel and my wife at home who wanted nothing to do with sex for years after kids came and there you go

I am late 40s now, and my sex drive is way lower. Sex life at home is still low, maybe 1-2 x a month but I have no real desire to chase women.

I think this is the simple explanation for most men. No idea how this topic fills 55 pages

Where didnyou normally meet your AP’s? Hotel bars? I’ve heard that people in hotel bars are usually looking.

Yes, hotel bars or at conventions.

[Anonymous]

Before I got married, my Ex was relationship dependent which is why we broke up. Told her she needed to learn to stand on her own. She quickly took up with a married man which ended that marriage, married him and to no surprise that marriage ended due to cheating. Glad I got away from that one despite the sex was great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve had a very different opinion on this than I do today. And I’m open to the idea that my opinion changes again in the future. Opinions are just opinions.
Anyway, I now think that “cheating” is a poor term to use. A partner in a relationship may cheat the other side in a multitude of ways. Any significant change in the relationship that strongly affects the other, but is unilateral is basically a form of cheating. This discussion is very much oriented towards a definition of cheating that consists only of sex outside the marriage. That’s one example. But in my eyes (currently) the marital obligation was not simply to not sleep with other people… the other side of this commitment is to have a satisfying sexual relationship inside the marriage. A lot of marriages become lacking in sex, and people tend to view it as simply having intercourse or not. But for many partners it’s actually about intimacy, trust, self worth, and a very physical desire for touch and contact (not strictly sex. Intimacy). A partner (male or female) that unilaterally takes that away is to me just as un-fair as someone who reacts to this by seeking her/his needs elsewhere.
In some marriages, I totally understand a “cheater”.

Why did your opinion change?

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately, for me, it’s a high. Knowing that a woman, other than your significant other, wants you and will do anything in bed for you, is a high. Yes, it sucks and I have a major character flaw. I’m pretty messed up over it and no one knows that about me.