Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?

[Anonymous]

My cheater was just diagnosed as a clinical narcissist with histrionic disorder. Two opinions, extensive testing. Same diagnosis.

In other posts, you have described your husband (generally) as personable and well-liked. It’s weird you are just finding out after 20 years of marriage that he’s a narcissist. Narcissists are usually really hard to live with - they are always right, everything is about them, etc. Seems like it would show up through more than just cheating (not underplaying they cheating, which is traumatic).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

My cheater was just diagnosed as a clinical narcissist with histrionic disorder. Two opinions, extensive testing. Same diagnosis.

In other posts, you have described your husband (generally) as personable and well-liked. It’s weird you are just finding out after 20 years of marriage that he’s a narcissist. Narcissists are usually really hard to live with - they are always right, everything is about them, etc. Seems like it would show up through more than just cheating (not underplaying they cheating, which is traumatic).

Some are master manipulators. There are different types- not all are malignant narcissists. Tests differentiate the strains and variances. I have a 30 page medical diagnosis in my lap.

And—some are so skilled they beat polygraph tests and full their therapists. The charm effect with zero empathy. They learn how to “act empathetic” but the feelings aren’t there.

Additionally, in terms of childhood issues/parental as a factor it does tend to peak in 40s.

[Anonymous]

It’s a category 5 DSM- disorder. Often it co-exists with other personality disorders in that category , histrionic.

Like autism, it’s a spectrum with some displaying different tendencies to different degrees.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
1) A 22yo girl knows of a dozen men's sex life but a 40+ yo man cannot know a hundred? I play sports (golf, hunt, fish, ride motorcycles) and do lots of guy stuff around other guys. Agreed we do not talk "emotions" but trust me during a 6 hour round in a golf cart the topic of sex (in terse binary terms: having it or not) often DOES come up! I am fine if you do not believe that.

2) YOU were the one who described these men's wives as being HAPPY to have sex. I merely challenge your credibility for using that descriptor. Now your reply goes in a totally different direction as to whether or not men should be content having sex with an UN-happy wife. That was never my point, so you are side tracking and/or back tracking on your original claim.

3) Your sample is an unbelievable collection of wives HAPPY to have sex with husbands who don't want it. If you encountered 12 out of 12 guys in that situation, please go buy a lottery ticket.

Agreed: some cheating husbands are simply bored despite a wife willing to have sex. My beef is that you (and others here) hyper focus on that small population while skipping right over the majority case where wife is UN-willing. This is just being ignorant of the mindset of a cheater.

LOL, are you comparing conversations between lovers to conversations between friends? Male friends to begin with? OK, if you admit having sex with a hundred plus men (like I was having sex with a dozen plus men), then I believe you that you DO know about their sex lives. Somehow I don't think that's what you meant!

Since you're picking on the term "happy", use "does not object" instead. Again - does that really change things? Now not only do you have to NOT object, you have to be giddy with delight or it doesn't count? You know that female libido is reactive in most cases anyway, so a wife who does not object does not reject her husband (rejection being the common complaint.) "Does not object" doesn't mean "unhappy", it means "if you initiate, I have no objection."

So clueless about men! I am not even talking about FRIENDS ... merely regular golf acquaintances. The basic either/or question is it "sex with wife" vs "he has a girlfriend" is the usual extent of this topic. No reason to lie about it, no honor or dis-honor either way, and I don't need to have gay sex to get an honest answer. Kind of like does he play Titlist vs Callaway balls, it is just a very common topic that comes up and we don't judge or dwell on the answer.

Since you have withdrawn the original claim of "happy" instead now those wives "did not object" to sex.... that restores SOME credibility to your story. The other half of our disbelief is that 12 out of 12 men did not want sex with a willing wife. Again, the DCUM readership knows better: witness the constant complaints here about husband wanting sex.

I just asked my husband whether he would discuss with his basketball or golf ACQUAINTANCES whether he is or they are having sex with their wives. He looked at me like I had two heads. His exact words were "what kind of loser would discuss this with other men?"

I can't even imagine how this conversation would go with an acquaintance. How many holes today? Having sex with wife or not?

So weird.

[Anonymous]

^my husband would never either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

don't share the passion from either you or your detractors. But here's one factoid. In my early twenties, I slept with a dozen married men, give or take. Each of them admitted their wives would be happy to have sex but they lost interest because "I can't eat the same dish every day of my life." One outright said "she's old and you're young and tight." Just one of them said she has a sickness that prevents sex.

So, I do not believe that cheating is driven by sexless-ness as much as plain old boredom and natural inclination against monogamy in many men.

As I said some 50 pages ago, they cheat because they can. Period.

NP. It’s that simple. Agreed. Some have greater consequences than others.

[Anonymous]

^ not true. It all men who have opportunity cheat. It’s a character issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ not true. It all men who have opportunity cheat. It’s a character issue.

Cheaters cheat because they can. So they do. There is no deep thought or handwringing or benefit-risk analysis -- they cheat because there is an opening and they can slide into it. Because they can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ not true. It all men who have opportunity cheat. It’s a character issue.

Cheaters cheat because they can. So they do. There is no deep thought or handwringing or benefit-risk analysis -- they cheat because there is an opening and they can slide into it. Because they can.

This is true about cheaters. This is not true about men and women who do not have this character flaw. NP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ not true. It all men who have opportunity cheat. It’s a character issue.

Cheaters cheat because they can. So they do. There is no deep thought or handwringing or benefit-risk analysis -- they cheat because there is an opening and they can slide into it. Because they can.

This is true about cheaters. This is not true about men and women who do not have this character flaw. NP.

I do agree. I’m hot, attractive and make a lot of $. I have been hit on by married men and hit on by single men my entire marriage. I’ve had plenty of opportunity. It’s disgusting to me, cheating. It disgusts me there are those that lie and sneak around and risk the health of their partners. It’s completely juvenile and stunted development.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ not true. It all men who have opportunity cheat. It’s a character issue.

Cheaters cheat because they can. So they do. There is no deep thought or handwringing or benefit-risk analysis -- they cheat because there is an opening and they can slide into it. Because they can.

This is true about cheaters. This is not true about men and women who do not have this character flaw. NP.

I do agree. I’m hot, attractive and make a lot of $. I have been hit on by married men and hit on by single men my entire marriage. I’ve had plenty of opportunity. It’s disgusting to me, cheating. It disgusts me there are those that lie and sneak around and risk the health of their partners. It’s completely juvenile and stunted development.

An attractive women who gets hit on and has plenty of cheating opportunities? Quick call CNN ! And yet... despite all this attention.... she's just not interested? Again, this is some bigtime news right here folks.

PP so tell us this: are your sexual needs well met at home, or are you always the one to initiate and yet you are consistently rejected by your partner?
I think this factor explains lots of what you dismiss as character flaw.

[Anonymous]

^ so why do women need dating apps to find affair partners? Are they that undesirable they can’t find anyone in real life? Women can just find anyone. I guess just the total losers are on the apps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ so why do women need dating apps to find affair partners? Are they that undesirable they can’t find anyone in real life? Women can just find anyone. I guess just the total losers are on the apps.

Yep. Dregs at the bottom of the barrel.

[Anonymous]

The mindset of a cheater is selfish. Their wants come first. Everyone else? Collateral damage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ not true. It all men who have opportunity cheat. It’s a character issue.

Cheaters cheat because they can. So they do. There is no deep thought or handwringing or benefit-risk analysis -- they cheat because there is an opening and they can slide into it. Because they can.

And because their character allows and makes room for deceit. A person that doesn’t leave room for deceit cannot cheat. No matter how many opportunities. Men and women are different, yes, but everyone has the ability to demonstrate self-control. Unless they can’t because of some illness or deeply flawed characteristic.

Kind of like saying the person taking a year with no one looking — will they cheat because they can or will they just answer honestly or even skip the question if they don’t know the answer? Not everyone has a character that would justify cheating. An honor code is meaningful and respected.