Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?
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Anonymous
Many guys cheat for this reason, but that’s inconsistent with the sexless married guy’s rant, so he will dismiss you as anecdotal. Those of us who actually can process data know what you are saying isn’t unusual. |
Anonymous
Process data? LOL Most of you can't even pay attention to the 50 pages of wisdom and experience that has been imparted here. What data? |
Anonymous
He would care |
Anonymous
First, let's just say that unless you're a sex therapist, I do not believe that you know a hundred plus married men close enough to hear about their sex lives. It just doesn't jibe with the social patterns of males, let alone married males who are notorious for dropping friends. I'm not calling you a liar as you said...just not really believing that a hundred plus men confide in you. Second, that's just men moving goalposts. I mean not only you have to be willing to have sex, you have to be happy to have it, you have to do XYZ, or else...it goes on and on. What's next? she didn't wear the right nightgown to bed so it doesn't count? her tits sag so it doesn't count? Third, I'm just relaying to you what the men said. It's a small sample, for sure. Yet I find the boredom theory quite simple, and easy to understand and believe. I mean wouldn't YOU be bored? |
Anonymous
Whether you are not having sex at all, or not having enough sex (as pp noted) or not having exciting enough sex or just want something new None of these sentiments are bad in themselves. It's the solution that's discussed which is bad. Just divorce instead of cheating. So many different conditions/situations listed for cheating but there is a singular solution which is divorce. |
Anonymous
+1000000. So right about moving the goalpost. It's just finding many excuses to cheat rather than divorce. You know, divorce means adulting and making financial tradeoff decision in order to live as you want. It's the coward's way out of making the tradeoff decisions. |
Anonymous
No, actually, the solution is tell your sexual partner how you’re feeling and negotiate for mutually agreeable terms of continued marriage. Focusing on divorce as the only solution is just switching the goalposts. People are saying the sexless partner shouldn’t manipulate a spouse into staying in the marriage by withholding information about secret relationships/behavior. Cheater PP’s answer to that is, “she must know what I’m doing without my telling her and since she knows and hasn’t filed for divorce, she must agree that what I’m doing is OK.”. I think that’s loopy self-rationalization, but YMMV. |
Anonymous
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So much arguing and blaming.
The problem is almost always a combination of men having higher testosterone and monogamy sucking the excitement out of sex. Give a woman testosterone cream and the mismatch is solved. Same if you give her a new partner. Instead, people shout across the divide - "if only she weren't so cold, I would be faithful" "If only he would pay more non-sexual attention I would be more sexually generous" Nonsense to all of this. Most couples develop this libido gap which becomes enormous as people age. Loving couples find ways to negotiate it. Cheating isn't always about some out of control libido, or attempt to stab your partner, but can be a least bad alternative when you are sex starved. Half of people, at least, cheat at some point, the temptation is strong. Love to all. Be kind to each other. |
Anonymous
1) A 22yo girl knows of a dozen men's sex life but a 40+ yo man cannot know a hundred? I play sports (golf, hunt, fish, ride motorcycles) and do lots of guy stuff around other guys. Agreed we do not talk "emotions" but trust me during a 6 hour round in a golf cart the topic of sex (in terse binary terms: having it or not) often DOES come up! I am fine if you do not believe that. 2) YOU were the one who described these men's wives as being HAPPY to have sex. I merely challenge your credibility for using that descriptor. Now your reply goes in a totally different direction as to whether or not men should be content having sex with an UN-happy wife. That was never my point, so you are side tracking and/or back tracking on your original claim. 3) Your sample is an unbelievable collection of wives HAPPY to have sex with husbands who don't want it. If you encountered 12 out of 12 guys in that situation, please go buy a lottery ticket. Agreed: some cheating husbands are simply bored despite a wife willing to have sex. My beef is that you (and others here) hyper focus on that small population while skipping right over the majority case where wife is UN-willing. This is just being ignorant of the mindset of a cheater. |
Anonymous
LOL, are you comparing conversations between lovers to conversations between friends? Male friends to begin with? OK, if you admit having sex with a hundred plus men (like I was having sex with a dozen plus men), then I believe you that you DO know about their sex lives. Somehow I don't think that's what you meant! Since you're picking on the term "happy", use "does not object" instead. Again - does that really change things? Now not only do you have to NOT object, you have to be giddy with delight or it doesn't count? You know that female libido is reactive in most cases anyway, so a wife who does not object does not reject her husband (rejection being the common complaint.) "Does not object" doesn't mean "unhappy", it means "if you initiate, I have no objection." |
Anonymous
So clueless about men! I am not even talking about FRIENDS ... merely regular golf acquaintances. The basic either/or question is it "sex with wife" vs "he has a girlfriend" is the usual extent of this topic. No reason to lie about it, no honor or dis-honor either way, and I don't need to have gay sex to get an honest answer. Kind of like does he play Titlist vs Callaway balls, it is just a very common topic that comes up and we don't judge or dwell on the answer. Since you have withdrawn the original claim of "happy" instead now those wives "did not object" to sex.... that restores SOME credibility to your story. The other half of our disbelief is that 12 out of 12 men did not want sex with a willing wife. Again, the DCUM readership knows better: witness the constant complaints here about husband wanting sex. |
Anonymous
As I said some 50 pages ago, they cheat because they can. Period. |
Anonymous
| My cheater was just diagnosed as a clinical narcissist with histrionic disorder. Two opinions, extensive testing. Same diagnosis. |
Anonymous
| ^ and father, grandfather had same behavior. It’s multigenerational. At 28 years old he swore up and down he would never turn out like them that he would never do that to his wife and kids. 49-years old. History repeats itself...should have known. |
Anonymous
| Exactly. Cheaters cheat because of character and so much of character is developed from family dynamics. There's a higher likelihood that cheaters' kids will cheat which means that it's not the reason for cheating that's important but rather that it's how you deal with other things (stress/conflict/mid-life depression) that's important and so much of that comes from seeing how your family handled those situations. Therefore, the multigenerational likelihood of cheating can't be explained only by the marriage/relationship specific factors. These marriage specific factors are used as excuses for their behaviors. |