Would you be okay with your wife visiting her male best friend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's weird that she even wants to do it. And come on, "people don't cheat when they bring a toddler" is one of the dumbest things I've ever heard. I can't even count the number of times I have had sex with my toddler sleeping 10 or fewer feet away

Agree and this is very weird. She is married, with a child. He is single. It makes no sense for her to leave her spouse behind and drag her toddler along to go see him. If they are that good of friends, single dude comes to see her at her house, with her family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are split on this. I said I’d be fine with it (I trust him fully and figure if he cheats that’s on him) he would not be ok with it since he perceives guys to be more aggressive in making moves and couldn’t fully trust the hypothetical guy friend I was with.

The sad part is you don't hear what your DH is telling you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:News flash, when emotionally healthy people get married, they dial back their friendships with single people of the opposite sex. It is called boundaries.

News flash, when emotionally healthy people get married, they do not suspect their spouses just because people on a random board, or society in general, think men and women cannot possibly be alone together without having sex. It is called maturity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The trip is inappropriate for so many reasons, some obvious and some more subtle. The fact that your wife would think it is ok, and the fact that you are married to the type of person who thinks it is ok, means that you both have issues and do not really understand what it means to be married. I feel sorry for you both, and for your daughter. I guarantee that you will be divorced sooner or later, probably sooner.

Well, OP, this PP has spoken definitively and apparently has the gift of being able to foretell the future, as well as read your DW's mind and the friend's mind, so go ahead and save time by booking your divorce lawyer right now. Oh, and PP notes you "do not understand what it means to be married," so don't ever marry again, 'kay? Unless you keep wife #2 locked in a basement, of course. Because you know women, they're either so naive about men, or they're secret whores who just want to let their old "friends" screw them. They don't understand marriage, much less friendship!

Thank you, wise PP, for settling the whole debate for OP. I'm sure he'll be fine explaining to his kid in a few years' time how trust is for suckers. Life lesson, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Wow, surprised so many "no" responses.

Sure, I would be ok with it. If she is going to cheat, she will do it at some point

+1. Sounds like there are a lot of fragile marriages here. Do you trust her or not? Sounds like a "no" for OP.

+2

I could never live with being constantly suspicious of my spouse. If he cheats, then he cheats and the trust is broken but it’s his job not to cheat, not my job to run around trying to stop him. Dcum always jumps to cheating as though everyone would obviously do this. Lots of sad marriages:

Cheating is 100% about opportunity. Don’t fool yourself. Add in alcohol (or weed) and vacation or trip alone with opposite sex and even people that would never do something, often do cheat.

Smart, pro-active people never put themselves in a situation where that possibility exists. I had a guy when we lived in Barcelona that was part of our International friend group that had an obvious heavy crush on me. When my spouse had to go out of town for the weekend, this guy heavily pressured me into coming and hanging out with him and his equally gorgeous friends. I lied and said I was going somewhere for the weekend. My spouse also will not put himself in situations alone with women overnight, etc. That might mean going back to the hotel room alone instead of hanging out with the female co-worker drinking post-dinner.

It’s not policing your spouse. It’s being considerate and aware and policing yourself.

I wouldn't say it is 100% opportunity, because someone interested in cheating can always create an opportunity. (especially a woman)

...but an awful lot of cheating is basically a case where opportunity and interest intersect. That is why so much of it happens when someone is out of town.

I trust my spouse, and she trusts me, but we both avoid situations that could prove problematic. (Basically being alone with someone of the opposite sex, especially when alcohol is involved, especially out of town.)

Well, a big part of your trust is due to the bolded. Mutual respect and consideration. Exactly what the pp said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The trip is inappropriate for so many reasons, some obvious and some more subtle. The fact that your wife would think it is ok, and the fact that you are married to the type of person who thinks it is ok, means that you both have issues and do not really understand what it means to be married. I feel sorry for you both, and for your daughter. I guarantee that you will be divorced sooner or later, probably sooner.

Well, OP, this PP has spoken definitively and apparently has the gift of being able to foretell the future, as well as read your DW's mind and the friend's mind, so go ahead and save time by booking your divorce lawyer right now. Oh, and PP notes you "do not understand what it means to be married," so don't ever marry again, 'kay? Unless you keep wife #2 locked in a basement, of course. Because you know women, they're either so naive about men, or they're secret whores who just want to let their old "friends" screw them. They don't understand marriage, much less friendship!

Thank you, wise PP, for settling the whole debate for OP. I'm sure he'll be fine explaining to his kid in a few years' time how trust is for suckers. Life lesson, right?

Trust doesn't mean you have to be okay with the other person doing whatever they feel like doing. "honey, I'm going out to drink 12 beers until I pass out, but don't worry I will call an Uber to drag me home." Okay, sweety, go right ahead, I *trust* you. "Baby, I'll be at the orgy tonight but like I said I'm just watching out of curiosity, no touching." Okay go right ahead, I *trust* you. "Honey, I'm taking our toddler skydiving, don't worry he'll be strapped in really tight." Okay, I *trust* you. The argument about trust is a straw man that has nothing to do with people being okay with their spouse putting themselves into potentially volatile, dangerous, or tempting situations. Have you ever heard of moral hazard?

[Anonymous]

OP, which one are you in your marriage, LD or HD?

Not trying to be funny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, surprised so many "no" responses.

Sure, I would be ok with it. If she is going to cheat, she will do it at some point

+1. Sounds like there are a lot of fragile marriages here. Do you trust her or not? Sounds like a "no" for OP.

+2

I could never live with being constantly suspicious of my spouse. If he cheats, then he cheats and the trust is broken but it’s his job not to cheat, not my job to run around trying to stop him. Dcum always jumps to cheating as though everyone would obviously do this. Lots of sad marriages:

Cheating is 100% about opportunity. Don’t fool yourself. Add in alcohol (or weed) and vacation or trip alone with opposite sex and even people that would never do something, often do cheat.

Smart, pro-active people never put themselves in a situation where that possibility exists. I had a guy when we lived in Barcelona that was part of our International friend group that had an obvious heavy crush on me. When my spouse had to go out of town for the weekend, this guy heavily pressured me into coming and hanging out with him and his equally gorgeous friends. I lied and said I was going somewhere for the weekend. My spouse also will not put himself in situations alone with women overnight, etc. That might mean going back to the hotel room alone instead of hanging out with the female co-worker drinking post-dinner.

It’s not policing your spouse. It’s being considerate and aware and policing yourself.

I wouldn't say it is 100% opportunity, because someone interested in cheating can always create an opportunity. (especially a woman)

...but an awful lot of cheating is basically a case where opportunity and interest intersect. That is why so much of it happens when someone is out of town.

I trust my spouse, and she trusts me, but we both avoid situations that could prove problematic. (Basically being alone with someone of the opposite sex, especially when alcohol is involved, especially out of town.)

Well, a big part of your trust is due to the bolded. Mutual respect and consideration. Exactly what the pp said.

I was mostly agreeing with them, not the 100% opportunity part.

[Anonymous]

I have a great deal of faith and trust in my husband and he has the same in me but a week vacationing with someone of the opposite sex can just lead to situations that get out of control. We are not all saints and we can all be tempted so……lead us not into temptation!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are split on this. I said I’d be fine with it (I trust him fully and figure if he cheats that’s on him) he would not be ok with it since he perceives guys to be more aggressive in making moves and couldn’t fully trust the hypothetical guy friend I was with.

The sad part is you don't hear what your DH is telling you.

That he secretly wants to go on a vacation with our toddler and cheat? He’s a grownup, if he chooses to do that he can live with the consequences. I’m not making that my burden. That he doesn’t trust me? Again, not my burden. I would not cheat on him.

That said, knowing it made him uncomfortable, I wouldn’t go and would plan for a time when he could come with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For a week long out of state trip, staying out of state and bringing your toddler with her?

My male best friend is married to my female best friend. I’ve been visiting them out of state for 26 years. I also have lunch or dinner just with him when he is in DC a couple times a year. I would wonder what was wrong with DH if he suddenly got insecure.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you have a sibling or buddy that could go with them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For a week long out of state trip, staying out of state and bringing your toddler with her?

My male best friend is married to my female best friend. I’ve been visiting them out of state for 26 years. I also have lunch or dinner just with him when he is in DC a couple times a year. I would wonder what was wrong with DH if he suddenly got insecure.

That isn't similar, you realize that, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are split on this. I said I’d be fine with it (I trust him fully and figure if he cheats that’s on him) he would not be ok with it since he perceives guys to be more aggressive in making moves and couldn’t fully trust the hypothetical guy friend I was with.

The sad part is you don't hear what your DH is telling you.

That he secretly wants to go on a vacation with our toddler and cheat? He’s a grownup, if he chooses to do that he can live with the consequences. I’m not making that my burden. That he doesn’t trust me? Again, not my burden. I would not cheat on him.

That said, knowing it made him uncomfortable, I wouldn’t go and would plan for a time when he could come with me.

Your DH is telling you he would cheat and doesn't trust himself to behave appropriately. He is also telling you he doesn't trust you to be in control of yourself. But you don't care so cool!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For a week long out of state trip, staying out of state and bringing your toddler with her?

My male best friend is married to my female best friend. I’ve been visiting them out of state for 26 years. I also have lunch or dinner just with him when he is in DC a couple times a year. I would wonder what was wrong with DH if he suddenly got insecure.

So you have never gone out of town for a week-long trip just to visit him and brought you, toddler, along. Thanks for sharing your totally irrelevant story.