Wives: how much evidence would you want if someone told you your husband was cheating on you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If OP’s hunch is right, then sharing is only helpful to the extent the wife believes OP. Sometimes people might not be in a good place to hear that kind of thing - like when they are about to give birth. Worse, if OP is wrong she causes undue stress and mistrust for her coworker, his pregnant wife and their family.

OP, ask yourself why you feel compelled to be the hero here. Could it be for personal reasons (to get attention, to be part of the action, to punish by proxy someone from your past, etc.)? Actually it is heroic NOT to stir up drama.

Op here. I'm not interested in drama. I don't even know the wife personally. The reason I asked if you would want to know is because if my suspicions are right I feel really bad for the wife. I have already said that my dad was a cheater and I wish someone had told my mom instead of smiling in her face and knowing my dad was cheating on her and only finding out when he had a baby on her and got nabbed for child support.

I realize I don't have super strong evidence like pictures or something, it's hard to explain in words but things seem off . To me they seem couply and flirtatious and spend a lot of time together for people who are not on the same teams and whose jobs do not really overlap it's not a case where someone could be mentoring the other for example.

And yes I have thought about causing stress to a pregnant woman which is why I mentioned the wife is pregnant.

Anyway usually DCUM is adamant the spouse should be told. . I was just looking for advice on how to go about that. Instead I'm a creepy person who wants to wreck a family or whatever

I guess I'll just myob seems that's what everyone else is doing anyway.

You could bring it up with coworker and say hey you and larlo seem like pretty close lately is there something going on? You know he’s married with young kids right? Or if you know him better say it to him. Maybe they will think twice about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hmmm….

DP.

I’m a woman who would occasionally grab lunch with a male colleague. We would also routinely chat after work in one of our offices. Different teams, no real joint work.

No affair. Not even close. Just friends who enjoyed chatting about politics, our company’s work, etc.

I did hear from a coworker that someone asked if we were dating. It was literally just based on seeing us walking together coming/going to lunch or being in each others office after 5:30.

Op: if this is all you are seeing, it is likely innocuous. You can sense chemistry or shame when people are doing something wrong.

Devil's advocate if you are so close people think you are dating maybe it's a little inappropriate if one of you is married. I've been friends with coworkers and no one has ever assumed we're dating.

I agree. I was a 'guy's gal' growing up, lots of platonic guy friends and I have brothers. Nobody has ever assumed I am boning a co-worker. I had a single male co-worker I used to train for the marathon with (run together after work) when I was engaged to my husband and NOBODY thought we were a couple. My husband also got to know him well at work happy hours, etc.

You can DEFINITELY tell when a couple is having sex. There are subtle clues and hints and a feeling, a way they look at one another. They 100% think nobody can tell, but everyone can tell. And, the longer they have been doing it the more careless they become.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If OP’s hunch is right, then sharing is only helpful to the extent the wife believes OP. Sometimes people might not be in a good place to hear that kind of thing - like when they are about to give birth. Worse, if OP is wrong she causes undue stress and mistrust for her coworker, his pregnant wife and their family.

OP, ask yourself why you feel compelled to be the hero here. Could it be for personal reasons (to get attention, to be part of the action, to punish by proxy someone from your past, etc.)? Actually it is heroic NOT to stir up drama.

Op here. I'm not interested in drama. I don't even know the wife personally. The reason I asked if you would want to know is because if my suspicions are right I feel really bad for the wife. I have already said that my dad was a cheater and I wish someone had told my mom instead of smiling in her face and knowing my dad was cheating on her and only finding out when he had a baby on her and got nabbed for child support.

I realize I don't have super strong evidence like pictures or something, it's hard to explain in words but things seem off . To me they seem couply and flirtatious and spend a lot of time together for people who are not on the same teams and whose jobs do not really overlap it's not a case where someone could be mentoring the other for example.

And yes I have thought about causing stress to a pregnant woman which is why I mentioned the wife is pregnant.

Anyway usually DCUM is adamant the spouse should be told. . I was just looking for advice on how to go about that. Instead I'm a creepy person who wants to wreck a family or whatever

I guess I'll just myob seems that's what everyone else is doing anyway.

OP, I think there's enough here and trust your instincts. Tell the wife. If there's nothing going on, no big deal and the wife will be comforted. If there's an affair, her health could be in jeopardy. Tell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not want you “investigating” my husband. That is sick and creepy.

I'm not investigating. The husband is my coworker and the person I suspect is his AP is also my coworker. I don't have evidence like them kissing each other or something. There's things like lunches togther, always happening to run nto each other staying late together, when there's no reason to ( not on the same team), frequent flirtation. At the same time, everyone else seems not to be bothered by this, so I guess I could be wrong. But, then again, people smiled in my mom;s face and totally ignored my dad cheating with his coworkers..

You could be wrong and they could just be friends.

[Anonymous]

My husband saw another husband from our neighborhood fully making out with another woman at a popular happy hour spot in Tysons. He was 100% sure. We discussed it an decided still not to tell. Within 6 months the couple was separated because the husband was embezzling. I still don’t know if she knows but it doesn’t matter as they are divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope. You have an "inkling" that my husband might be cheating with a coworker. But he could be doing his job, he could be super friendly, we could have an agreement, you've seen nothing amiss, AND you don't know me at all.

How about you mind your own business at this point?

Wow. The denial in this is strong. Yikes! The low self esteem is strong in this one.

[Anonymous]

What about this potential AP? Does she have a spouse ? If so, you should be contacting them too. The anonymous note method is NUTS! I imagine you cutting out letters from a magazine so you can’t be traced.

[Anonymous]

Do not remain anonymous tell the wife face to face she will have questions and you can answer them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If OP’s hunch is right, then sharing is only helpful to the extent the wife believes OP. Sometimes people might not be in a good place to hear that kind of thing - like when they are about to give birth. Worse, if OP is wrong she causes undue stress and mistrust for her coworker, his pregnant wife and their family.

OP, ask yourself why you feel compelled to be the hero here. Could it be for personal reasons (to get attention, to be part of the action, to punish by proxy someone from your past, etc.)? Actually it is heroic NOT to stir up drama.

Op here. I'm not interested in drama. I don't even know the wife personally. The reason I asked if you would want to know is because if my suspicions are right I feel really bad for the wife. I have already said that my dad was a cheater and I wish someone had told my mom instead of smiling in her face and knowing my dad was cheating on her and only finding out when he had a baby on her and got nabbed for child support.

I realize I don't have super strong evidence like pictures or something, it's hard to explain in words but things seem off . To me they seem couply and flirtatious and spend a lot of time together for people who are not on the same teams and whose jobs do not really overlap it's not a case where someone could be mentoring the other for example.

And yes I have thought about causing stress to a pregnant woman which is why I mentioned the wife is pregnant.

Anyway usually DCUM is adamant the spouse should be told. . I was just looking for advice on how to go about that. Instead I'm a creepy person who wants to wreck a family or whatever

I guess I'll just myob seems that's what everyone else is doing anyway.

OP, I think there's enough here and trust your instincts. Tell the wife. If there's nothing going on, no big deal and the wife will be comforted. If there's an affair, her health could be in jeopardy. Tell.

I'm not sure OP has good instincts. She seems a little crazy, and like she just wants to stir shit up because of her own unhappy childhood. OP should definitely mind her own business here, and probably try to get some help. I'm amazed at all the crazy ladies cheering her on....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do not remain anonymous tell the wife face to face she will have questions and you can answer them

Op here. I don't know the wife personally, so I'm not sure meeting her in person could happen.

The potential AP is single and well aware he's married with kids

For those who think I'm projecting I have other male/ female coworkers who just seem like friends, I don't suspect anything of them. It seems different to me with the coworkers in question. Maybe I am hypersensitive, but that doesn't mean I'm wrong.

If the wife wasn't pregnant and there were no kidsid probably wouldn't think of saying anything. I probably still won't say anything because there's no good way for me to do it as I don't know the wife and it seems most people wouldn't care so I have my answers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If OP’s hunch is right, then sharing is only helpful to the extent the wife believes OP. Sometimes people might not be in a good place to hear that kind of thing - like when they are about to give birth. Worse, if OP is wrong she causes undue stress and mistrust for her coworker, his pregnant wife and their family.

OP, ask yourself why you feel compelled to be the hero here. Could it be for personal reasons (to get attention, to be part of the action, to punish by proxy someone from your past, etc.)? Actually it is heroic NOT to stir up drama.

Op here. I'm not interested in drama. I don't even know the wife personally. The reason I asked if you would want to know is because if my suspicions are right I feel really bad for the wife. I have already said that my dad was a cheater and I wish someone had told my mom instead of smiling in her face and knowing my dad was cheating on her and only finding out when he had a baby on her and got nabbed for child support.

I realize I don't have super strong evidence like pictures or something, it's hard to explain in words but things seem off . To me they seem couply and flirtatious and spend a lot of time together for people who are not on the same teams and whose jobs do not really overlap it's not a case where someone could be mentoring the other for example.

And yes I have thought about causing stress to a pregnant woman which is why I mentioned the wife is pregnant.

Anyway usually DCUM is adamant the spouse should be told. . I was just looking for advice on how to go about that. Instead I'm a creepy person who wants to wreck a family or whatever

I guess I'll just myob seems that's what everyone else is doing anyway.

OP, I think there's enough here and trust your instincts. Tell the wife. If there's nothing going on, no big deal and the wife will be comforted. If there's an affair, her health could be in jeopardy. Tell.

I'm not sure OP has good instincts. She seems a little crazy, and like she just wants to stir shit up because of her own unhappy childhood. OP should definitely mind her own business here, and probably try to get some help. I'm amazed at all the crazy ladies cheering her on....

I'm the pp you are responding to. I disagree with you. Calling someone crazy based on what's written here means you've got something at stake in this argument. You need an attitude check here using such strong language against the OP.

OP should definitely give heads up. There's enough here to do so.

[Anonymous]

Don’t do this while the wife is pregnant, without real evidence….not an inkling.

Why don’t you confront your co-worker?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hmmm….

DP.

I’m a woman who would occasionally grab lunch with a male colleague. We would also routinely chat after work in one of our offices. Different teams, no real joint work.

No affair. Not even close. Just friends who enjoyed chatting about politics, our company’s work, etc.

I did hear from a coworker that someone asked if we were dating. It was literally just based on seeing us walking together coming/going to lunch or being in each others office after 5:30.

Op: if this is all you are seeing, it is likely innocuous. You can sense chemistry or shame when people are doing something wrong.

Devil's advocate if you are so close people think you are dating maybe it's a little inappropriate if one of you is married. I've been friends with coworkers and no one has ever assumed we're dating.

I agree. I was a 'guy's gal' growing up, lots of platonic guy friends and I have brothers. Nobody has ever assumed I am boning a co-worker. I had a single male co-worker I used to train for the marathon with (run together after work) when I was engaged to my husband and NOBODY thought we were a couple. My husband also got to know him well at work happy hours, etc.

You can DEFINITELY tell when a couple is having sex. There are subtle clues and hints and a feeling, a way they look at one another. They 100% think nobody can tell, but everyone can tell. And, the longer they have been doing it the more careless they become.

+100. I've also been in jobs that were mainly male dominated. There were no rumors about me even though I did go to lunch with colleagues or we talked often at work. There's a difference when someone is in an inappropriate personal relationship vs. a professional relationship at work.

[Anonymous]

OP, here's what I think: you are definitely sensing that the two people are attracted to each other and enjoy being in each other's presence. this DOES NOT mean that they are having sex. they could be, but they also could be holding a line and keeping their dynamic to this level (of hanging out). Adults are sometimes able to be attracted to other people but not escalate it into an affair.

That is all you can tell the wife. you don't have enough to speculate about re: an affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, here's what I think: you are definitely sensing that the two people are attracted to each other and enjoy being in each other's presence. this DOES NOT mean that they are having sex. they could be, but they also could be holding a line and keeping their dynamic to this level (of hanging out). Adults are sometimes able to be attracted to other people but not escalate it into an affair.

That is all you can tell the wife. you don't have enough to speculate about re: an affair.

I also think that they probably have not slept together yet, if they are acting like this in public. I've known coworkers who were sleeping together illicitly and once the sex started, they totally avoided eye contact with each other in the office.