Wives: how much evidence would you want if someone told you your husband was cheating on you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, here's what I think: you are definitely sensing that the two people are attracted to each other and enjoy being in each other's presence. this DOES NOT mean that they are having sex. they could be, but they also could be holding a line and keeping their dynamic to this level (of hanging out). Adults are sometimes able to be attracted to other people but not escalate it into an affair.

That is all you can tell the wife. you don't have enough to speculate about re: an affair.

I also think that they probably have not slept together yet, if they are acting like this in public. I've known coworkers who were sleeping together illicitly and once the sex started, they totally avoided eye contact with each other in the office.

NP. This is one example. I have seen it where others have reacted differently while having an affair. Key is that OP has a sense that something is going on and she's there. In that case, she might want to tell the wife so that if there's a chance something is going on, the wife can protect herself (from STD's for example) while ensuring the husband is not cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, here's what I think: you are definitely sensing that the two people are attracted to each other and enjoy being in each other's presence. this DOES NOT mean that they are having sex. they could be, but they also could be holding a line and keeping their dynamic to this level (of hanging out). Adults are sometimes able to be attracted to other people but not escalate it into an affair.

That is all you can tell the wife. you don't have enough to speculate about re: an affair.

Op here. That's fair. I think it's more than that but you and others are right that I really don't have a smoking gun. I'm just going to be quiet for now. Thanks to those who provided useful feedback without calling me crazy or creepy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, here's what I think: you are definitely sensing that the two people are attracted to each other and enjoy being in each other's presence. this DOES NOT mean that they are having sex. they could be, but they also could be holding a line and keeping their dynamic to this level (of hanging out). Adults are sometimes able to be attracted to other people but not escalate it into an affair.

That is all you can tell the wife. you don't have enough to speculate about re: an affair.

Op here. That's fair. I think it's more than that but you and others are right that I really don't have a smoking gun. I'm just going to be quiet for now. Thanks to those who provided useful feedback without calling me crazy or creepy.

I also think that the one thing you could do is subtlely talk to the coworkers in a way that makes them realize that they are being obvious about their attraction. It might pop the lust bubble a little bit.

[Anonymous]

At the same time, everyone else seems not to be bothered by this, so I guess I could be wrong.

Seems like OP thinks differently than everyone else. Hard for women in the workplace when you've got other women like this around. Any friendship can be misconstrued and rumors started based on basically nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not want you “investigating” my husband. That is sick and creepy.

I'm not investigating. The husband is my coworker and the person I suspect is his AP is also my coworker. I don't have evidence like them kissing each other or something. There's things like lunches togther, always happening to run nto each other staying late together, when there's no reason to ( not on the same team), frequent flirtation. At the same time, everyone else seems not to be bothered by this, so I guess I could be wrong. But, then again, people smiled in my mom;s face and totally ignored my dad cheating with his coworkers..

I don't mean to be mean, but you honestly sound like you have a mental problem, and like you are a nightmare co-worker. You are thinking of anonymously telling the wife of this coworker that you think her husband is cheating because of this random nonsense? Do you realize the misery that you will be creating for both, likely with no cause?

I think OP's a nutjob because this isn't even the first thread she's started about this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If OP’s hunch is right, then sharing is only helpful to the extent the wife believes OP. Sometimes people might not be in a good place to hear that kind of thing - like when they are about to give birth. Worse, if OP is wrong she causes undue stress and mistrust for her coworker, his pregnant wife and their family.

OP, ask yourself why you feel compelled to be the hero here. Could it be for personal reasons (to get attention, to be part of the action, to punish by proxy someone from your past, etc.)? Actually it is heroic NOT to stir up drama.

Op here. I'm not interested in drama. I don't even know the wife personally. The reason I asked if you would want to know is because if my suspicions are right I feel really bad for the wife. I have already said that my dad was a cheater and I wish someone had told my mom instead of smiling in her face and knowing my dad was cheating on her and only finding out when he had a baby on her and got nabbed for child support.

I realize I don't have super strong evidence like pictures or something, it's hard to explain in words but things seem off . To me they seem couply and flirtatious and spend a lot of time together for people who are not on the same teams and whose jobs do not really overlap it's not a case where someone could be mentoring the other for example.

And yes I have thought about causing stress to a pregnant woman which is why I mentioned the wife is pregnant.

Anyway usually DCUM is adamant the spouse should be told. . I was just looking for advice on how to go about that. Instead I'm a creepy person who wants to wreck a family or whatever

I guess I'll just myob seems that's what everyone else is doing anyway.

But even so, you have no idea if your mom would have wanted to know sooner. Did she struggle after their divorce? Would her life have been happier if your stupid dad hadn't gotten caught and your mom had stayed blissfully ignorant?

In other words, even your parents' relationship is none of your business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If OP’s hunch is right, then sharing is only helpful to the extent the wife believes OP. Sometimes people might not be in a good place to hear that kind of thing - like when they are about to give birth. Worse, if OP is wrong she causes undue stress and mistrust for her coworker, his pregnant wife and their family.

OP, ask yourself why you feel compelled to be the hero here. Could it be for personal reasons (to get attention, to be part of the action, to punish by proxy someone from your past, etc.)? Actually it is heroic NOT to stir up drama.

Op here. I'm not interested in drama. I don't even know the wife personally. The reason I asked if you would want to know is because if my suspicions are right I feel really bad for the wife. I have already said that my dad was a cheater and I wish someone had told my mom instead of smiling in her face and knowing my dad was cheating on her and only finding out when he had a baby on her and got nabbed for child support.

I realize I don't have super strong evidence like pictures or something, it's hard to explain in words but things seem off . To me they seem couply and flirtatious and spend a lot of time together for people who are not on the same teams and whose jobs do not really overlap it's not a case where someone could be mentoring the other for example.

And yes I have thought about causing stress to a pregnant woman which is why I mentioned the wife is pregnant.

Anyway usually DCUM is adamant the spouse should be told. . I was just looking for advice on how to go about that. Instead I'm a creepy person who wants to wreck a family or whatever

I guess I'll just myob seems that's what everyone else is doing anyway.

OP, I think there's enough here and trust your instincts. Tell the wife. If there's nothing going on, no big deal and the wife will be comforted. If there's an affair, her health could be in jeopardy. Tell.

I'm not sure OP has good instincts. She seems a little crazy, and like she just wants to stir shit up because of her own unhappy childhood. OP should definitely mind her own business here, and probably try to get some help. I'm amazed at all the crazy ladies cheering her on....

I'm the pp you are responding to. I disagree with you. Calling someone crazy based on what's written here means you've got something at stake in this argument. You need an attitude check here using such strong language against the OP.

OP should definitely give heads up. There's enough here to do so.

She is crazy! She's got absolutely nothing but an "inkling". See how many times she uses the word "seems" in her posts. It is absolutely nuts to even contemplate telling the co-workers, let alone the co-worker's wife. I am sorry, if you think this is normal, you are crazy, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would need enough proof to know that the accusation is true, and not someone's misunderstanding or scheme. My rule of thumb is "when you assume, you make an ass of you and me." There could be many explanations for a situation. And if it's something on which a major life decision rests, I would aim to know that had the facts straight.

Okay so by " enough proof" do you mean, pictures, texts, incidents of probable meetups?


I'm not 100% certain of anything right now. I just have a really strong inkling, but I don't know if it would even be worth it to delve deeper if you will if I would not be believed.

Inkling? MYOB

I wouldn't say anything at all now, unless I had solid proof. unfortunately I have some experience with sniffing these things out. I wouldn't say anything unless I was sure my inkling was correct. What I am asking is as the wife what kind of evidence would you want, especially if it's coming from someone who isn't a friend , family remember, neighbor, coworker, or someone you know at all.

Someone I did not know at all, I would want absolutely zero information from. You don't know me, you don't know my life, you don't know if I already know, you need to mind your own Fing business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not want you “investigating” my husband. That is sick and creepy.

I'm not investigating. The husband is my coworker and the person I suspect is his AP is also my coworker. I don't have evidence like them kissing each other or something. There's things like lunches togther, always happening to run nto each other staying late together, when there's no reason to ( not on the same team), frequent flirtation. At the same time, everyone else seems not to be bothered by this, so I guess I could be wrong. But, then again, people smiled in my mom;s face and totally ignored my dad cheating with his coworkers..

OMG please do not reach out to his wife, you sound unhinged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

At the same time, everyone else seems not to be bothered by this, so I guess I could be wrong.

Seems like OP thinks differently than everyone else. Hard for women in the workplace when you've got other women like this around. Any friendship can be misconstrued and rumors started based on basically nothing.

Hard for women when other women don’t have their backs and another woman’s husband is “fair game”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If OP’s hunch is right, then sharing is only helpful to the extent the wife believes OP. Sometimes people might not be in a good place to hear that kind of thing - like when they are about to give birth. Worse, if OP is wrong she causes undue stress and mistrust for her coworker, his pregnant wife and their family.

OP, ask yourself why you feel compelled to be the hero here. Could it be for personal reasons (to get attention, to be part of the action, to punish by proxy someone from your past, etc.)? Actually it is heroic NOT to stir up drama.

Op here. I'm not interested in drama. I don't even know the wife personally. The reason I asked if you would want to know is because if my suspicions are right I feel really bad for the wife. I have already said that my dad was a cheater and I wish someone had told my mom instead of smiling in her face and knowing my dad was cheating on her and only finding out when he had a baby on her and got nabbed for child support.

I realize I don't have super strong evidence like pictures or something, it's hard to explain in words but things seem off . To me they seem couply and flirtatious and spend a lot of time together for people who are not on the same teams and whose jobs do not really overlap it's not a case where someone could be mentoring the other for example.

And yes I have thought about causing stress to a pregnant woman which is why I mentioned the wife is pregnant.

Anyway usually DCUM is adamant the spouse should be told. . I was just looking for advice on how to go about that. Instead I'm a creepy person who wants to wreck a family or whatever

I guess I'll just myob seems that's what everyone else is doing anyway.

But even so, you have no idea if your mom would have wanted to know sooner. Did she struggle after their divorce? Would her life have been happier if your stupid dad hadn't gotten caught and your mom had stayed blissfully ignorant?

In other words, even your parents' relationship is none of your business.

Mom here. Of course, I would have effing wanted to know sooner. I could have moved on with someone else when I was still young and avoided exposure to STIs, gone back to work sooner while I was still marketable, etc.

The only women that don’t want to know live in a place called denial which is not a place I ever want to be. Best to know then be dumped/blind sided after dropping off last kid at college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If OP’s hunch is right, then sharing is only helpful to the extent the wife believes OP. Sometimes people might not be in a good place to hear that kind of thing - like when they are about to give birth. Worse, if OP is wrong she causes undue stress and mistrust for her coworker, his pregnant wife and their family.

OP, ask yourself why you feel compelled to be the hero here. Could it be for personal reasons (to get attention, to be part of the action, to punish by proxy someone from your past, etc.)? Actually it is heroic NOT to stir up drama.

Op here. I'm not interested in drama. I don't even know the wife personally. The reason I asked if you would want to know is because if my suspicions are right I feel really bad for the wife. I have already said that my dad was a cheater and I wish someone had told my mom instead of smiling in her face and knowing my dad was cheating on her and only finding out when he had a baby on her and got nabbed for child support.

I realize I don't have super strong evidence like pictures or something, it's hard to explain in words but things seem off . To me they seem couply and flirtatious and spend a lot of time together for people who are not on the same teams and whose jobs do not really overlap it's not a case where someone could be mentoring the other for example.

And yes I have thought about causing stress to a pregnant woman which is why I mentioned the wife is pregnant.

Anyway usually DCUM is adamant the spouse should be told. . I was just looking for advice on how to go about that. Instead I'm a creepy person who wants to wreck a family or whatever

I guess I'll just myob seems that's what everyone else is doing anyway.

OP, I think there's enough here and trust your instincts. Tell the wife. If there's nothing going on, no big deal and the wife will be comforted. If there's an affair, her health could be in jeopardy. Tell.

Or.... there's nothing going on, but the wife is rattled and doesn't believe her husband's denials, and their marriage is ruined???? Because OP was bored and wanted to get involved in a friendship she knows nothing about and a marriage she knows nothing about??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hmmm….

DP.

I’m a woman who would occasionally grab lunch with a male colleague. We would also routinely chat after work in one of our offices. Different teams, no real joint work.

No affair. Not even close. Just friends who enjoyed chatting about politics, our company’s work, etc.

I did hear from a coworker that someone asked if we were dating. It was literally just based on seeing us walking together coming/going to lunch or being in each others office after 5:30.

Op: if this is all you are seeing, it is likely innocuous. You can sense chemistry or shame when people are doing something wrong.

Devil's advocate if you are so close people think you are dating maybe it's a little inappropriate if one of you is married. I've been friends with coworkers and no one has ever assumed we're dating.

I agree. I was a 'guy's gal' growing up, lots of platonic guy friends and I have brothers. Nobody has ever assumed I am boning a co-worker. I had a single male co-worker I used to train for the marathon with (run together after work) when I was engaged to my husband and NOBODY thought we were a couple. My husband also got to know him well at work happy hours, etc.

You can DEFINITELY tell when a couple is having sex. There are subtle clues and hints and a feeling, a way they look at one another. They 100% think nobody can tell, but everyone can tell. And, the longer they have been doing it the more careless they become.

+100. I've also been in jobs that were mainly male dominated. There were no rumors about me even though I did go to lunch with colleagues or we talked often at work. There's a difference when someone is in an inappropriate personal relationship vs. a professional relationship at work.

+1,000

I wasn’t flirtatious and leaning my tits on them . Dirty jokes, yes. But, no innuendos or hints.

[Anonymous]

None. Hey f you’re not my closest friend, keep your mouth shut. I cannot imagine getting some note or whatever when I’m due with a baby from some loser who has nothing better to do. So thanks for blowing up my life which you are not even a part of. F you if you are thinking about doing this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is this “anonymous” person telling you this information and why now? How far along are you in your pregnancy?

No one is telling me anything. I would be the anonymous person doing the telling if it comes to that point.


As for why I have a lot of empathy for wives who are cheated on, especially in the case where there are young children involved and the wife is pregnant, sp clearly not using protection her health could be at risk. and a particular loathing for men especially men who present themselves as good guys/ religious men who are not.

And how do you know they’re clearly not using protection? Did you witness the man put his bare penis into her vagina? MYOB

OP is the AP.

I'm not the AP. I just meant that if wife is pregnant they are likely not using protection and no a condom does not prevent all STIs.

Usually when there's smoke there's fire. Before I told the wife I would get the evidence. I would want to be told if my spouse was cheating on me. My health is important to me, and then I could move on and not be hostage in a fake marriage. OP cheaters are easy to catch. Simply follow them after work or if you suspect he's going to her home park near there. I helped a friend catch her husband. The GPS showed his car parked at various parking lots near shopping centers. All we had to do was locate his car and wait. She was picking him up, then dropping him off. Cheaters think they are smart, but they're not.