Wives: how much evidence would you want if someone told you your husband was cheating on you?

[Anonymous]

I had a friend who called me crying. Fortunately (or unfortunately?) I already knew something was happening so it was just additional confirmation. I have always appreciated that friend even though our lives have taken us in different directions she will stay dear to my heart. It was brave and kind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a friend who called me crying. Fortunately (or unfortunately?) I already knew something was happening so it was just additional confirmation. I have always appreciated that friend even though our lives have taken us in different directions she will stay dear to my heart. It was brave and kind.

That was both brave and kind. I think all the people that turn a blind eye and 'don't get involved' are just like the people that can walk by someone being harmed and do nothing. They 'stay in their lane' which lets ill and dangerous behavior and harm of innocent victims thrive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a spouse that was totally and completely blindsided by a multi-year affair, GOD, I wish somebody had seen something amiss and told me. It would have saved all those extra years of being lied to and exposed to disease.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not want you “investigating” my husband. That is sick and creepy.

I'm not investigating. The husband is my coworker and the person I suspect is his AP is also my coworker. I don't have evidence like them kissing each other or something. There's things like lunches togther, always happening to run nto each other staying late together, when there's no reason to ( not on the same team), frequent flirtation. At the same time, everyone else seems not to be bothered by this, so I guess I could be wrong. But, then again, people smiled in my mom;s face and totally ignored my dad cheating with his coworkers..

As a married woman, I brought breakfast to the office every day and ate with a married male coworker. We were just work friends. Stay in your lane and MYOB.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just the message. I don't need proof. It would tune me in to start paying attention and find out more on my own.

For instance, if everyone in the Office knew there was some very special relationship and private time between spouse and co-worker--that's something I would want to know--even if they weren't boning (yet)==it would be a RED FLAG and something to discuss and have them know you were paying attention.

If it were random from somebody that saw them together, that's enough. I would then start tracking or looking into it.

I wouldn't just write any of that off to someone messing with me...because I don't have anyone that wants to 'mess with me'.

Cheaters say this crap to protect themselves. Where there is smoke, there's fire.

Yes. Agree.

And if someone I knew, said 'hey I saw Bob at Starbucks having coffee with some redhead woman'. I know my spouse works with all men, minus one 65-year old woman, that would tip me off that he was definitely doing something shady.

But that's not fire. That's Bob having coffee with somebody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just the message. I don't need proof. It would tune me in to start paying attention and find out more on my own.

For instance, if everyone in the Office knew there was some very special relationship and private time between spouse and co-worker--that's something I would want to know--even if they weren't boning (yet)==it would be a RED FLAG and something to discuss and have them know you were paying attention.

If it were random from somebody that saw them together, that's enough. I would then start tracking or looking into it.

I wouldn't just write any of that off to someone messing with me...because I don't have anyone that wants to 'mess with me'.

Cheaters say this crap to protect themselves. Where there is smoke, there's fire.

Yes. Agree.

And if someone I knew, said 'hey I saw Bob at Starbucks having coffee with some redhead woman'. I know my spouse works with all men, minus one 65-year old woman, that would tip me off that he was definitely doing something shady.

But that's not fire. That's Bob having coffee with somebody.

Sorry, meant to say that wasn't even SMOKE.

[Anonymous]

Yes send an anonymous note, email, phone call or letter. I would want to know of even an inkling and you can phrase it that way. If you are wrong and I doubt you are, at least the dh can see their actions fall into a grey area and correct themselves. Nobody is going to "blow up" from a note. She deserves to know if there is a chance her physical health is at danger. I lean towards myob in almost every other area but not when health is at stake.

[Anonymous]

I honestly think you know he is wrong and carrying that load of knowledge will continue to bother you. This couple will be dealing with acknowledging innapropriate behavior or uncovering a full blown affair. That should be dealt with and processed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not want you “investigating” my husband. That is sick and creepy.

I'm not investigating. The husband is my coworker and the person I suspect is his AP is also my coworker. I don't have evidence like them kissing each other or something. There's things like lunches togther, always happening to run nto each other staying late together, when there's no reason to ( not on the same team), frequent flirtation. At the same time, everyone else seems not to be bothered by this, so I guess I could be wrong. But, then again, people smiled in my mom;s face and totally ignored my dad cheating with his coworkers..

I don't mean to be mean, but you honestly sound like you have a mental problem, and like you are a nightmare co-worker. You are thinking of anonymously telling the wife of this coworker that you think her husband is cheating because of this random nonsense? Do you realize the misery that you will be creating for both, likely with no cause?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just the message. I don't need proof. It would tune me in to start paying attention and find out more on my own.

For instance, if everyone in the Office knew there was some very special relationship and private time between spouse and co-worker--that's something I would want to know--even if they weren't boning (yet)==it would be a RED FLAG and something to discuss and have them know you were paying attention.

If it were random from somebody that saw them together, that's enough. I would then start tracking or looking into it.

I wouldn't just write any of that off to someone messing with me...because I don't have anyone that wants to 'mess with me'.

Cheaters say this crap to protect themselves. Where there is smoke, there's fire.

Yes. Agree.

And if someone I knew, said 'hey I saw Bob at Starbucks having coffee with some redhead woman'. I know my spouse works with all men, minus one 65-year old woman, that would tip me off that he was definitely doing something shady.

But that's not fire. That's Bob having coffee with somebody.

Totally. If I were OP's boss, I would fire her if she did this to co-workers. This is harrassment. Imagine if a guy told the husband of a co-worker that his wife was acting inappropriately by eating lunch with a male coworker. Not only would it put the wife in danger, it would totally ruin the workplace. And everyone on here would be up in arms about this poor woman being harrassed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not want you “investigating” my husband. That is sick and creepy.

I'm not investigating. The husband is my coworker and the person I suspect is his AP is also my coworker. I don't have evidence like them kissing each other or something. There's things like lunches togther, always happening to run nto each other staying late together, when there's no reason to ( not on the same team), frequent flirtation. At the same time, everyone else seems not to be bothered by this, so I guess I could be wrong. But, then again, people smiled in my mom;s face and totally ignored my dad cheating with his coworkers..

From personal experience, if that is what you're seeing, what you're NOT seeing goes a lot deeper, and most likely there is a lot more going on. But no, people find out at the time that is right for them, and you should stay out.
What I would be tempted to do is be a little obvious with the coworkers that you're picking up on it. "Oh wow, you and XX stayed late? Is there a project going on I need to know about? That's weird". But that's me. I would just want to make them squirm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just the message. I don't need proof. It would tune me in to start paying attention and find out more on my own.

For instance, if everyone in the Office knew there was some very special relationship and private time between spouse and co-worker--that's something I would want to know--even if they weren't boning (yet)==it would be a RED FLAG and something to discuss and have them know you were paying attention.

If it were random from somebody that saw them together, that's enough. I would then start tracking or looking into it.

I wouldn't just write any of that off to someone messing with me...because I don't have anyone that wants to 'mess with me'.

Cheaters say this crap to protect themselves. Where there is smoke, there's fire.

Yes. Agree.

And if someone I knew, said 'hey I saw Bob at Starbucks having coffee with some redhead woman'. I know my spouse works with all men, minus one 65-year old woman, that would tip me off that he was definitely doing something shady.

But that's not fire. That's Bob having coffee with somebody.

Totally. If I were OP's boss, I would fire her if she did this to co-workers. This is harrassment. Imagine if a guy told the husband of a co-worker that his wife was acting inappropriately by eating lunch with a male coworker. Not only would it put the wife in danger, it would totally ruin the workplace. And everyone on here would be up in arms about this poor woman being harrassed.

Bob is having coffee with another woman at a Starbucks not closest to his Office. She is not a co-worker, nor anyone neighbor has seen in the 10 years they lived across the street.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just the message. I don't need proof. It would tune me in to start paying attention and find out more on my own.

For instance, if everyone in the Office knew there was some very special relationship and private time between spouse and co-worker--that's something I would want to know--even if they weren't boning (yet)==it would be a RED FLAG and something to discuss and have them know you were paying attention.

If it were random from somebody that saw them together, that's enough. I would then start tracking or looking into it.

I wouldn't just write any of that off to someone messing with me...because I don't have anyone that wants to 'mess with me'.

Cheaters say this crap to protect themselves. Where there is smoke, there's fire.

Yes. Agree.

And if someone I knew, said 'hey I saw Bob at Starbucks having coffee with some redhead woman'. I know my spouse works with all men, minus one 65-year old woman, that would tip me off that he was definitely doing something shady.

And she grazes his hand and he walks her to car and holds her in a hug before leaving...

But that's not fire. That's Bob having coffee with somebody.

Totally. If I were OP's boss, I would fire her if she did this to co-workers. This is harrassment. Imagine if a guy told the husband of a co-worker that his wife was acting inappropriately by eating lunch with a male coworker. Not only would it put the wife in danger, it would totally ruin the workplace. And everyone on here would be up in arms about this poor woman being harrassed.

Bob is having coffee with another woman at a Starbucks not closest to his Office. She is not a co-worker, nor anyone neighbor has seen in the 10 years they lived across the street.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just the message. I don't need proof. It would tune me in to start paying attention and find out more on my own.

For instance, if everyone in the Office knew there was some very special relationship and private time between spouse and co-worker--that's something I would want to know--even if they weren't boning (yet)==it would be a RED FLAG and something to discuss and have them know you were paying attention.

If it were random from somebody that saw them together, that's enough. I would then start tracking or looking into it.

I wouldn't just write any of that off to someone messing with me...because I don't have anyone that wants to 'mess with me'.

Cheaters say this crap to protect themselves. Where there is smoke, there's fire.

Yes. Agree.

And if someone I knew, said 'hey I saw Bob at Starbucks having coffee with some redhead woman'. I know my spouse works with all men, minus one 65-year old woman, that would tip me off that he was definitely doing something shady.

But that's not fire. That's Bob having coffee with somebody.

Totally. If I were OP's boss, I would fire her if she did this to co-workers. This is harrassment. Imagine if a guy told the husband of a co-worker that his wife was acting inappropriately by eating lunch with a male coworker. Not only would it put the wife in danger, it would totally ruin the workplace. And everyone on here would be up in arms about this poor woman being harrassed.

Bob is having coffee with another woman at a Starbucks not closest to his Office. She is not a co-worker, nor anyone neighbor has seen in the 10 years they lived across the street.

And she grazes his hand and he walks her to car and holds her in a hug before leaving...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes send an anonymous note, email, phone call or letter. I would want to know of even an inkling and you can phrase it that way. If you are wrong and I doubt you are, at least the dh can see their actions fall into a grey area and correct themselves. Nobody is going to "blow up" from a note. She deserves to know if there is a chance her physical health is at danger. I lean towards myob in almost every other area but not when health is at stake.

Normally, I would be in the MYOB camp, but having read this hole thread, I am agreeing with sending a fact based anonymous note (short) by snail mail. No extrapolation or hypothesizing. Just the facts, ma’am, as I agree you sound like a semi-nut with an axe to hind. “Dear Mrs. Smith, I have no idea whether the following observations are cause for concern, but having considered your position, I thought it may be in your interest to be aware that your husband has been observed at work [insert facts here, naming co-worker].” If the pure facts (with analysis) sound benign, they are.