What did your spouse's midlife crisis look like?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Yep. This is where poor coping skill learned in childhood emerge. The kids that had alcoholic or cheating parents or poor attachment. They learned to self-soothe through sex and addictions. Instead of looking inside, they compartmentalize. When the going gets really rough midlife and they are unhappy---the drink and the strange sex is the way they get the dopamine hit and try to cope.

I'd be interested to know if this is true. I'm one of the PPs with a spouse who absolutely imploded in his mid-40s. Classic midlife crisis with an affair, new car, withdrawal from the family, etc.

He came from a loving home, had the full suport of his family, and had basically turned everything he touched into gold for years. I have always assumed his lack of resiliency, which showed up when he didn't hit his professional goals by a certain age, was about never having really been denied anything up to that point. It wasn't a bad childhood, it was a GOOD childhood that never taught him to bounce back.

This is not true. This is how insecure people deal with their anxiety, i e if I do A, B and C, my family will be spared AND I am better than those other people.

I have seen so many formerly golden children implode.

[Anonymous]

He dove into a new hobby (snakes.) It was snakes, snakes, snakes for a while. Then invested a lot of money in a new business venture, dancing in place as kinetic exercise, that caused a lot of worry. Thankfully, we made it through and now it's nothing but smooth, smooth sailing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Yep. This is where poor coping skill learned in childhood emerge. The kids that had alcoholic or cheating parents or poor attachment. They learned to self-soothe through sex and addictions. Instead of looking inside, they compartmentalize. When the going gets really rough midlife and they are unhappy---the drink and the strange sex is the way they get the dopamine hit and try to cope.

I'd be interested to know if this is true. I'm one of the PPs with a spouse who absolutely imploded in his mid-40s. Classic midlife crisis with an affair, new car, withdrawal from the family, etc.

He came from a loving home, had the full suport of his family, and had basically turned everything he touched into gold for years. I have always assumed his lack of resiliency, which showed up when he didn't hit his professional goals by a certain age, was about never having really been denied anything up to that point. It wasn't a bad childhood, it was a GOOD childhood that never taught him to bounce back.

This is not true. This is how insecure people deal with their anxiety, i e if I do A, B and C, my family will be spared AND I am better than those other people.

I have seen so many formerly golden children implode.

Or due to undiagnosed or untreated mental disorders that hit the fan when the scaffolding leaves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After 30 years of marriage, and turning 50, wife, in a mid-life crisis, had a few affairs. One long term, probably still occurring to this day. When pressed on the issue, she will not agree to a separation or divorce. Too much water under the bridge. I will always forgive her. I just cannot go down the road she's traveled. Never have believed that two wrongs make a right.

Well, 50 is kinda old for a 'mid-life' crisis. And I'm wondering if there's really a demand for a 50-year-old AP from multiple men.. Is there?

I'm a nearly 50 year old single woman. Yes, there's a demand. From multiple men. I'm sure it's even higher for an unhappy married woman who's probably down for NSA sex.
She likely has a rotation of hot early thirty-somethings, along with her devoted husband who will never leave her. Not a bad deal for her.

Just curious, what kind of demand? Demands for NSA sex, or demand for actual committed relationships?

Early 30-somethings banging 50-year old+ moms. Gross. Just gross.

I traveled for three weeks this summer to several popular domestic tourist destinations. I observed:

older men with younger women (I was in this group)
older men with younger men
older women with younger women

I even saw one older man with two younger women

But I never once saw older women with younger men. Not in the Keys, not in Vegas, not in Hawaii. Do older women take their boy toys to Peoria? Or do these couples just not exist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After 30 years of marriage, and turning 50, wife, in a mid-life crisis, had a few affairs. One long term, probably still occurring to this day. When pressed on the issue, she will not agree to a separation or divorce. Too much water under the bridge. I will always forgive her. I just cannot go down the road she's traveled. Never have believed that two wrongs make a right.

Well, 50 is kinda old for a 'mid-life' crisis. And I'm wondering if there's really a demand for a 50-year-old AP from multiple men.. Is there?

I'm a nearly 50 year old single woman. Yes, there's a demand. From multiple men. I'm sure it's even higher for an unhappy married woman who's probably down for NSA sex.
She likely has a rotation of hot early thirty-somethings, along with her devoted husband who will never leave her. Not a bad deal for her.

Just curious, what kind of demand? Demands for NSA sex, or demand for actual committed relationships?

Early 30-somethings banging 50-year old+ moms. Gross. Just gross.

I traveled for three weeks this summer to several popular domestic tourist destinations. I observed:

older men with younger women (I was in this group)
older men with younger men
older women with younger women

I even saw one older man with two younger women

But I never once saw older women with younger men. Not in the Keys, not in Vegas, not in Hawaii. Do older women take their boy toys to Peoria? Or do these couples just not exist.

DP, did you consider they don’t take these young men out to dinner and to places, that they just take them to bed?

[Anonymous]

I bought a really expensive boat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After 30 years of marriage, and turning 50, wife, in a mid-life crisis, had a few affairs. One long term, probably still occurring to this day. When pressed on the issue, she will not agree to a separation or divorce. Too much water under the bridge. I will always forgive her. I just cannot go down the road she's traveled. Never have believed that two wrongs make a right.

Well, 50 is kinda old for a 'mid-life' crisis. And I'm wondering if there's really a demand for a 50-year-old AP from multiple men.. Is there?

I'm a nearly 50 year old single woman. Yes, there's a demand. From multiple men. I'm sure it's even higher for an unhappy married woman who's probably down for NSA sex.
She likely has a rotation of hot early thirty-somethings, along with her devoted husband who will never leave her. Not a bad deal for her.

Just curious, what kind of demand? Demands for NSA sex, or demand for actual committed relationships?

Early 30-somethings banging 50-year old+ moms. Gross. Just gross.

I traveled for three weeks this summer to several popular domestic tourist destinations. I observed:

older men with younger women (I was in this group)
older men with younger men
older women with younger women

I even saw one older man with two younger women

But I never once saw older women with younger men. Not in the Keys, not in Vegas, not in Hawaii. Do older women take their boy toys to Peoria? Or do these couples just not exist.

DP, did you consider they don’t take these young men out to dinner and to places, that they just take them to bed?

Not possible. The female ego demands that they show off their boy toy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. So a question for all those who posted that their husbands became nasty, withdrawn and engaged in an affair, do they stay that way or do they come back to some semblance of a reasonable man or any sense of regret? I guess my question is even for those who have divorced and may know (keep in touch because of kids etc,).

Yeah, they only do this to make u think you were crazy for wanting the divorce. Mr reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After 30 years of marriage, and turning 50, wife, in a mid-life crisis, had a few affairs. One long term, probably still occurring to this day. When pressed on the issue, she will not agree to a separation or divorce. Too much water under the bridge. I will always forgive her. I just cannot go down the road she's traveled. Never have believed that two wrongs make a right.

She got married at 20 years old???

Yes we did. Your math is correct.

Well then she should be forgiven for sowing the wild oats she never got to sow.

Are y nuts? She just be a common ho.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:30 year marriage. Still together

In mid to late 40s, he spent lots of time on fitness activities - 24 hour adventure/mountain bike/marathon type stuff. Left me with kids all weekend most weekends.

When that fizzled in early 50s and his career stalled, he started drinking more, gained weight, and reaching out to old HS girlfriends on social media to get attention/compliments. Crossed some boundaries, but always on line. I imagine he wanted to keep the façade of 18 year old self so in person wouldn't work. It hurt, led to many fights and promises to stop. In the end, I lost respect for him - told him once he was a cliché, and I meant it.

During the same time, I got my groove back - revamped career, more time for friends/interests/fitness.

There is still love, great sex and friendship, but it changed the relationship. I would walk away now if something happened again. My advice - work on yourself, not your spouse.

It's best you don't know what happened some of those weekends away.

PP back - is it best I don't know? I wonder sometimes. If he confessed now to past transgressions, I would likely leave. He denies anything of course. But I am not naïve.

Maybe he didn't. I have a SO who has done and still does those extreme type of athletic events. It did get to a point once where I told him if he didn't become more balanced that he wouldn't have anyone left at the finish line for him anymore, though. Some guys get in good shape then leave but that isn't what happened. It was his way of coping with extreme stress. It is still an important social network for him and If he wanted to go pro I'd support it. You don't get to opt out of all of your responsibilities for your hobby, though.

The girlfriend part of your story is the boundary line that I'd struggle with a lot. I think that's worse than the endurance sports although arguably an AP would probably take up less time (lol). Seriously though, I'm sorry because that's a sucky place to be in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He dove into a new hobby (snakes.) It was snakes, snakes, snakes for a while. Then invested a lot of money in a new business venture, dancing in place as kinetic exercise, that caused a lot of worry. Thankfully, we made it through and now it's nothing but smooth, smooth sailing.

Wait, did you end up keeping the snakes? That's at least neat.

[Anonymous]

Suicide. Really very hard on the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He dove into a new hobby (snakes.) It was snakes, snakes, snakes for a while. Then invested a lot of money in a new business venture, dancing in place as kinetic exercise, that caused a lot of worry. Thankfully, we made it through and now it's nothing but smooth, smooth sailing.

Wait, did you end up keeping the snakes? That's at least neat.

Some of them got away. We ate one and traded another to optometrist for two pairs fun Warby Parkers. I do not miss them!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Yep. This is where poor coping skill learned in childhood emerge. The kids that had alcoholic or cheating parents or poor attachment. They learned to self-soothe through sex and addictions. Instead of looking inside, they compartmentalize. When the going gets really rough midlife and they are unhappy---the drink and the strange sex is the way they get the dopamine hit and try to cope.

I'd be interested to know if this is true. I'm one of the PPs with a spouse who absolutely imploded in his mid-40s. Classic midlife crisis with an affair, new car, withdrawal from the family, etc.

He came from a loving home, had the full suport of his family, and had basically turned everything he touched into gold for years. I have always assumed his lack of resiliency, which showed up when he didn't hit his professional goals by a certain age, was about never having really been denied anything up to that point. It wasn't a bad childhood, it was a GOOD childhood that never taught him to bounce back.

This is not true. This is how insecure people deal with their anxiety, i e if I do A, B and C, my family will be spared AND I am better than those other people.

I have seen so many formerly golden children implode.

+1

Yes.

[Anonymous]

I'm in my early forties and just started getting really, really into golf. Does that count?