What did your spouse's midlife crisis look like?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the guy who said you “pick” your mid life crisis. That’s not how it works. People get mentally stressed and they lash out trying to capture something they lost/missed/regret. In my dh case it was two heart surgeries, work stress and a general disconnect with the fact that his choices got him where he was was. End result, increases drinking, foul language, early retirement and a second home.

PP here. Damn...that's depressing. I can relate to the bolded though, the grind with two little kids + work is relentless.

[Anonymous]

Huh. Are folks here defining Midlife Crisis as something with necessarily detrimental effects? Because I'd say my DH had one (lots of existential questioning around age 44-47), and he approached it pretty healthily and decided to very proactively pursue a lifelong dream... to get involved much more deeply in a hobby, complete a certificate program in it and focus on it as much as possible, though without actually quitting his day job. He's a billion times happier now and I'm happy to support it.

I really do think it was a midlife crisis, because it checked the emotional and developmental boxes and made some major changes.. He just didn't become a jerk or do anything unhinged.

[Anonymous]

Mine decided completely out of the blue (seriously, out of nowhere) we needed to sell the house we bought 18 months before so he could buy a house far out so his adult kids & brother could move in. And then bought a Porsche for his 20 something son. I have school aged kids of my own and zero interest in moving away or specifically for his family to move in. No, we could no afford this and it was one terrible decision after another. A few months later the house is sold and we're getting our own places, divorcing and going about our lives.

[Anonymous]

NP. So a question for all those who posted that their husbands became nasty, withdrawn and engaged in an affair, do they stay that way or do they come back to some semblance of a reasonable man or any sense of regret? I guess my question is even for those who have divorced and may know (keep in touch because of kids etc,).

[Anonymous]

I think most people have a mid life crisis at some point. For many men they hit their mid-late 40's and realize their careers may have peaked well below what they hoped for. For many women, especially SAHM, they see empty nester hood on the horizon and wonder what's next for them. It will turn into a crisis if they fail to cope with it.

[Anonymous]

Seven years ago to present day... DH started to withdraw and not engage with DC's. Quit his job (great insurance, great benefits) because it was "soul crushing". Started comparing himself to other high-earning people. Feeling like a failure professionally and personally and said "his life was like groundhog day". Made some serious financial blunders (lost everything), depressed, wouldn't go to therapy, wouldn't snap out of it. Just stayed in the house, in the dark, on his phone. I finally had enough. Divorced and finally happy and at peace.

I guess you could say it was a mid-life crisis but he had some much built up resentment toward me. In the end I didn't even recognize the man that I married. Awful experience. Just awful.

[Anonymous]

DH took the extreme activities and multiple affairs route in his mid-to-late 40s. It started with one-night stands while traveling for business. Then he went sky diving. Then he did some ultimate driving experience with race cars. Then he flew a plane that went really fast.

He started traveling a ton for work and graduated to multiple girlfriends around the country. Around 3-6 at a time. They got too much to juggle, so he started with the luxury escorts. $1,000 per hour. Spent $20K one summer.

Then the gambling. Hiding thousands of dollars he’s lose at casinos.

His main motivation was that he didn’t want to miss out on any life experiences. Would say you only get one chance to do this life.

He’s been in therapy for years now and has done a 180. Somewhere along the way he realized he’d never find what he was looking for. So much guilt, shame, and remorse.

[Anonymous]

Hookers and blow. I wish I were kidding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH took the extreme activities and multiple affairs route in his mid-to-late 40s. It started with one-night stands while traveling for business. Then he went sky diving. Then he did some ultimate driving experience with race cars. Then he flew a plane that went really fast.

He started traveling a ton for work and graduated to multiple girlfriends around the country. Around 3-6 at a time. They got too much to juggle, so he started with the luxury escorts. $1,000 per hour. Spent $20K one summer.

Then the gambling. Hiding thousands of dollars he’s lose at casinos.

His main motivation was that he didn’t want to miss out on any life experiences. Would say you only get one chance to do this life.

He’s been in therapy for years now and has done a 180. Somewhere along the way he realized he’d never find what he was looking for. So much guilt, shame, and remorse.

At least he snapped to!! Many of them don’t.

Reading this thread, what strikes me is how common the midlife affair with accompanying personality (negative). It is a cliche for a reason: it is so common.

You have to think about the men/women these folks are cheating with. They are getting the a-hole, shallow, immature version. The person at their absolute worst whose friends and families really can’t stand them at this point. Nothing is real. They are in some fantasy trying to fill the emptiness.

The ones with substance eventually look inside and see the blame falls on them. That they have work to do. If it is done, you can end up with a 2.0 version that got that out of their system, saw how destructive and hurtful it was and ultimate only made them feel worse. They are the ones that never go there again. It can ultimately be good for the relationship/marriage, but it is pure horror to go through. Therapy for everyone!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH took the extreme activities and multiple affairs route in his mid-to-late 40s. It started with one-night stands while traveling for business. Then he went sky diving. Then he did some ultimate driving experience with race cars. Then he flew a plane that went really fast.

He started traveling a ton for work and graduated to multiple girlfriends around the country. Around 3-6 at a time. They got too much to juggle, so he started with the luxury escorts. $1,000 per hour. Spent $20K one summer.

Then the gambling. Hiding thousands of dollars he’s lose at casinos.

His main motivation was that he didn’t want to miss out on any life experiences. Would say you only get one chance to do this life.

He’s been in therapy for years now and has done a 180. Somewhere along the way he realized he’d never find what he was looking for. So much guilt, shame, and remorse.

At least he snapped to!! Many of them don’t.

Reading this thread, what strikes me is how common the midlife affair with accompanying personality (negative). It is a cliche for a reason: it is so common.

You have to think about the men/women these folks are cheating with. They are getting the a-hole, shallow, immature version. The person at their absolute worst whose friends and families really can’t stand them at this point. Nothing is real. They are in some fantasy trying to fill the emptiness.

The ones with substance eventually look inside and see the blame falls on them. That they have work to do. If it is done, you can end up with a 2.0 version that got that out of their system, saw how destructive and hurtful it was and ultimate only made them feel worse. They are the ones that never go there again. It can ultimately be good for the relationship/marriage, but it is pure horror to go through. Therapy for everyone!

So true !

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think most people have a mid life crisis at some point. For many men they hit their mid-late 40's and realize their careers may have peaked well below what they hoped for. For many women, especially SAHM, they see empty nester hood on the horizon and wonder what's next for them. It will turn into a crisis if they fail to cope with it.

Yep. This is where poor coping skill learned in childhood emerge. The kids that had alcoholic or cheating parents or poor attachment. They learned to self-soothe through sex and addictions. Instead of looking inside, they compartmentalize. When the going gets really rough midlife and they are unhappy---the drink and the strange sex is the way they get the dopamine hit and try to cope.

Those with self-awareness and good coping skills see what is happening in midlife for what it is: aging, change in hormones and closer to end of life, parents dying, friends getting terminal illnesses, etc. They actively choose healthy ways to cope: therapy or exercise or yoga, or anti-depressants for short-term, they don't fly completely off the rails.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After 30 years of marriage, and turning 50, wife, in a mid-life crisis, had a few affairs. One long term, probably still occurring to this day. When pressed on the issue, she will not agree to a separation or divorce. Too much water under the bridge. I will always forgive her. I just cannot go down the road she's traveled. Never have believed that two wrongs make a right.

Well, 50 is kinda old for a 'mid-life' crisis. And I'm wondering if there's really a demand for a 50-year-old AP from multiple men.. Is there?

[Anonymous]

At my work I see the same pattern for men:
- cheating, usually with a younger woman
- attempts to be or look "cool" - clothes or drinking at fashionable places with young folk
- divorce, sometimes leaving their kids too
- expensive car

Sometimes I feel old, less pretty, not as successful as I want to be, and a bit washed up by life. I'm not having a crisis, so much as a mild depression.... maybe a Porche would fix this?

Honestly, what do women do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After 30 years of marriage, and turning 50, wife, in a mid-life crisis, had a few affairs. One long term, probably still occurring to this day. When pressed on the issue, she will not agree to a separation or divorce. Too much water under the bridge. I will always forgive her. I just cannot go down the road she's traveled. Never have believed that two wrongs make a right.

Well, 50 is kinda old for a 'mid-life' crisis. And I'm wondering if there's really a demand for a 50-year-old AP from multiple men.. Is there?

Men on AM will bang anything if she promises discretion, and offers her home for the trysts--even better. Free sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After 30 years of marriage, and turning 50, wife, in a mid-life crisis, had a few affairs. One long term, probably still occurring to this day. When pressed on the issue, she will not agree to a separation or divorce. Too much water under the bridge. I will always forgive her. I just cannot go down the road she's traveled. Never have believed that two wrongs make a right.

Well, 50 is kinda old for a 'mid-life' crisis. And I'm wondering if there's really a demand for a 50-year-old AP from multiple men.. Is there?

Men on AM will bang anything if she promises discretion, and offers her home for the trysts--even better. Free sex.

14:49 here. I'm not interested in sex or an affair. I'm interested in making myself feel purposeful, successful, beautiful, better than I do... not destroying everything I've built. Plus, I really love my family.