S/O Has demanding sex ever actually worked for anyone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it works. Get your butt over here... whilst I am naked!
Dh comes running.
But, neither DH nor I were ever so petty as to deny sex in some long run as some power play.
Why are you denying sex to your dh? Isn't is something that both of your should desire and like?

Yikes.

It might be yikes to you, but at over 50 DH and I have a happy, healthy sex life. Maybe you should take the advice of one person here who does have and want sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Demanding is coercive. Hinting is deeply unsexy. Not initiating at all often means no sex at all. Basically nothing works if your wife stops wanting to have sex.

I think this is true. I also think a woman not wanting sex is a sign of a deeper marital problem. She might feel, in the moment, that she's exhausted from the day's work. I know I do. I get up at 5am and it's nonstop serving everyone else but myself until 10 or so at night. I do not want to have sex then, since it is basically another service to someone else. My needs are never met. If I had a better marriage and a husband who cared about my needs in bed, I don't think daily exhaustion would get in the way -- at least not as much.

Maybe, but I have a great marriage to an attractive husband and....I have no desire for sex. It's 20 years of the same old, not sexy. I am not alone.

Woman here, 42, married for 16 years and together for 19, 5 kids.

I don't get this. I see it on here all of the time, but I don't know anyone IRL who is in a great marriage, used to enjoy sex, and just doesn't really like it anymore. Even my mother and her friends (all in their mid 60's) still talk about it when they are drinking. One of them married a gay man in her 50's, and she talks about how she deeply misses sex.

I'm not trying to say that there is something wrong with you, but I just don't get what this is about. Do you like other kinds of physical intimacy? Or is it all behind you?

Huh, my friends and I joke about our strategies to avoid our husbands trying to have sex with us. It's not that I hate it, but I don't really crave it but I will go along with it to keep the marriage going. That's interesting that you still crave it, I really think you are in the minority but what do I know

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Demanding is coercive. Hinting is deeply unsexy. Not initiating at all often means no sex at all. Basically nothing works if your wife stops wanting to have sex.

I think this is true. I also think a woman not wanting sex is a sign of a deeper marital problem. She might feel, in the moment, that she's exhausted from the day's work. I know I do. I get up at 5am and it's nonstop serving everyone else but myself until 10 or so at night. I do not want to have sex then, since it is basically another service to someone else. My needs are never met. If I had a better marriage and a husband who cared about my needs in bed, I don't think daily exhaustion would get in the way -- at least not as much.

Maybe, but I have a great marriage to an attractive husband and....I have no desire for sex. It's 20 years of the same old, not sexy. I am not alone.

Woman here, 42, married for 16 years and together for 19, 5 kids.

I don't get this. I see it on here all of the time, but I don't know anyone IRL who is in a great marriage, used to enjoy sex, and just doesn't really like it anymore. Even my mother and her friends (all in their mid 60's) still talk about it when they are drinking. One of them married a gay man in her 50's, and she talks about how she deeply misses sex.

I'm not trying to say that there is something wrong with you, but I just don't get what this is about. Do you like other kinds of physical intimacy? Or is it all behind you?

The sexuality of literally every human being on the planet is different.

Of course. And I am asking about yours. You put it out there. I'm just asking what it's like. Are you just not a very touchy, huggy kind of person, and you are just done with sharing your personal space? Is it something specific to your husband? Do you like platonic hugs and kisses with your friends and children, but there is some kind of feeling you have to have that feels "sexy" in order to have sex?
I'm just curious.
If you were turned on by paperclips, I would probably want to know about that too

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Demanding is coercive. Hinting is deeply unsexy. Not initiating at all often means no sex at all. Basically nothing works if your wife stops wanting to have sex.

I think this is true. I also think a woman not wanting sex is a sign of a deeper marital problem. She might feel, in the moment, that she's exhausted from the day's work. I know I do. I get up at 5am and it's nonstop serving everyone else but myself until 10 or so at night. I do not want to have sex then, since it is basically another service to someone else. My needs are never met. If I had a better marriage and a husband who cared about my needs in bed, I don't think daily exhaustion would get in the way -- at least not as much.

Maybe, but I have a great marriage to an attractive husband and....I have no desire for sex. It's 20 years of the same old, not sexy. I am not alone.

Woman here, 42, married for 16 years and together for 19, 5 kids.

I don't get this. I see it on here all of the time, but I don't know anyone IRL who is in a great marriage, used to enjoy sex, and just doesn't really like it anymore. Even my mother and her friends (all in their mid 60's) still talk about it when they are drinking. One of them married a gay man in her 50's, and she talks about how she deeply misses sex.

I'm not trying to say that there is something wrong with you, but I just don't get what this is about. Do you like other kinds of physical intimacy? Or is it all behind you?

Huh, my friends and I joke about our strategies to avoid our husbands trying to have sex with us. It's not that I hate it, but I don't really crave it but I will go along with it to keep the marriage going. That's interesting that you still crave it, I really think you are in the minority but what do I know

I don't know. The more I read these threads the more I wonder if I just never really craved sex, so I don't feel like much has really changed.
I have always enjoyed it and liked experimenting, and have never actively avoided it with my husband (with exceptions of when I'm exhausted or we are in the middle of some kind of marital conflict), but I don't think I have ever felt like I really needed it or couldn't get it off my mind. Maybe I just never felt that way and don't know what I'm missing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH demands sex in that he won't let it go after I say "no," or turn away. He keeps touching me and kissing me and trying to take my clothes off. I have to really push him off of me or use our safe word and walk out of the room if I really didn't want to. But of course, if I am in pain, he stops, and we just talk or watch TV for a little while.

I can't really envision these conversations. I feel like it would be like saying that you were going to lose weight or save money or keep the house cleaner. Either do it or don't do it, but there doesn't seem to be a lot of benefit in talking about it in the abstract.

That sounds like assault

Yes it does. That's the sort of "seduction" advice I used to read on RedPill sites back when I was trying to figure out how to re-ignite my wife & I's sex life. The theory went that seeing that a woman would be aroused by seeing that a guy really, really desired her. Also that her saying "no" was a kind of a test to see whether he was a fit and dominant mate. (Or something like that.) Whatever her brain might say, her body would not be aroused by the kind of guy who would be so easily deterred. Her body wanted a confident man. That sort of thing.

Messed that up: "The theory went that seeing that a woman would be aroused by seeing that a guy really, really desired her." = "The theory went that a woman would be aroused by seeing that a guy really, really desired her."

pp here. It doesn't feel like assault. First of all, this is my husband, the man that I love, the father of my children, and someone I just voluntarily got into bed with. Of course it would feel like assault with someone I just started dating, but that isn't the situation. Secondly, if I wasn't thinking about sex, sometimes it takes me 15 minutes to make that mental shift, and kissing and touching helps. Honestly, now that I think about it, it's a lot to ask of your partner that they be immediately responsive to your touch. Third, of course it's a turn on to see that my husband really, really desires me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hear a lot of men (on DCUM and in real life) who demand sex from their wives when they’re unsatisfied with their sex life. They make comments like:

- married people have sex
- fulfilling your husband’s sexual needs is in your wedding vows
- you should be able to handle life responsibilities without giving up sex
- if you don’t have sex XX times per week, the marriage is open
- if you don’t have sex, we’re getting divorced

I’m just curious: men, has this ever actually worked for you?

My xH said all those things to me, and it made me want sex even less. When I tried to address the underlying issues, he just threatened cheating. When I said I was fine with that, he just nagged me nonstop. I’d suck it up and put out for a few weeks, but it was only me just laying there, completely dissociated and waiting for it to be over. Then I stopped giving in and a few months later, we divorced.

So in our case, I’d say the demands didn’t work. Does it ever actually work for anyone? Did you wife suddenly become hot for you?

It would make me think of my teenage boyfriends, which was annoying then and completely unattractive now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Demanding is coercive. Hinting is deeply unsexy. Not initiating at all often means no sex at all. Basically nothing works if your wife stops wanting to have sex.

I think this is true. I also think a woman not wanting sex is a sign of a deeper marital problem. She might feel, in the moment, that she's exhausted from the day's work. I know I do. I get up at 5am and it's nonstop serving everyone else but myself until 10 or so at night. I do not want to have sex then, since it is basically another service to someone else. My needs are never met. If I had a better marriage and a husband who cared about my needs in bed, I don't think daily exhaustion would get in the way -- at least not as much.

Maybe, but I have a great marriage to an attractive husband and....I have no desire for sex. It's 20 years of the same old, not sexy. I am not alone.

Woman here, 42, married for 16 years and together for 19, 5 kids.

I don't get this. I see it on here all of the time, but I don't know anyone IRL who is in a great marriage, used to enjoy sex, and just doesn't really like it anymore. Even my mother and her friends (all in their mid 60's) still talk about it when they are drinking. One of them married a gay man in her 50's, and she talks about how she deeply misses sex.

I'm not trying to say that there is something wrong with you, but I just don't get what this is about. Do you like other kinds of physical intimacy? Or is it all behind you?

Huh, my friends and I joke about our strategies to avoid our husbands trying to have sex with us. It's not that I hate it, but I don't really crave it but I will go along with it to keep the marriage going. That's interesting that you still crave it, I really think you are in the minority but what do I know

Wait, what? How old are you? I can’t even imagine not craving sex with my husband, and we’re in our late 50s, early 60s.

There very well could be something going on with your marriage or your life that’s causing you to want to avoid sex right now. I don’t think it’s normal to feel that way, and none of my friends have ever joked about avoiding sex with their husbands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Other way around. I told DH that we weren't having enough sex. While he seemed content and with little interest, I was not very happy. I told him how displeased and unsatisfied I was. It did manage to turn things around and he's making more of an effort to initiate. We've both made adjustments.

So yes, it does work when one party communicates with the other party. If you're not happy, why would you keep it to yourself?

+1. I find it odd that so many people here think the issue shouldn't be discussed and, to the extent its a dealbreaker, to let your partner know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Other way around. I told DH that we weren't having enough sex. While he seemed content and with little interest, I was not very happy. I told him how displeased and unsatisfied I was. It did manage to turn things around and he's making more of an effort to initiate. We've both made adjustments.

So yes, it does work when one party communicates with the other party. If you're not happy, why would you keep it to yourself?

+1. I find it odd that so many people here think the issue shouldn't be discussed and, to the extent its a dealbreaker, to let your partner know.

I mentioned in one of these threads that communicating this to my wife was actively counterproductive. In addition to the existing reasons for not wanting to have sex with me (her body image issues, hormones, lack of novelty in a long-term marriage) now she had the pressure of knowing that I was not happy with our sex life which added to her lack of libido. And, when she did have sex with me, it wasn't as good because I now had the suspicion she might just be doing it out of a sense of obligation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Other way around. I told DH that we weren't having enough sex. While he seemed content and with little interest, I was not very happy. I told him how displeased and unsatisfied I was. It did manage to turn things around and he's making more of an effort to initiate. We've both made adjustments.

So yes, it does work when one party communicates with the other party. If you're not happy, why would you keep it to yourself?

+1. I find it odd that so many people here think the issue shouldn't be discussed and, to the extent its a dealbreaker, to let your partner know.

Absolutely. Sex is a BFD in a marriage. If you're sexually dissatisfied, that has the potential to poison other areas of your marriage. You need to talk about your sex life as openly and honestly as you can. Communication is the key to saving a marriage. I wanted more sex. My DH didn't realize that - or kept forgetting. So I let him know when I was ready to blow my lid. Wish I'd done it earlier and we'd have saved a lot of heartache. So, talk to your spouses, folks. Tell them you want more, less, or what have you. Hopefully, your partner will realize the importance of the matter before ultimatums have to be made.

[Anonymous]

Demanding= rape, right?

Is this not understood?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Other way around. I told DH that we weren't having enough sex. While he seemed content and with little interest, I was not very happy. I told him how displeased and unsatisfied I was. It did manage to turn things around and he's making more of an effort to initiate. We've both made adjustments.

So yes, it does work when one party communicates with the other party. If you're not happy, why would you keep it to yourself?

+1. I find it odd that so many people here think the issue shouldn't be discussed and, to the extent its a dealbreaker, to let your partner know.

I mentioned in one of these threads that communicating this to my wife was actively counterproductive. In addition to the existing reasons for not wanting to have sex with me (her body image issues, hormones, lack of novelty in a long-term marriage) now she had the pressure of knowing that I was not happy with our sex life which added to her lack of libido. And, when she did have sex with me, it wasn't as good because I now had the suspicion she might just be doing it out of a sense of obligation.

Women don’t care that much about novelty. If anything, the love and trust that grow with your sense of familiarity with your spouse enhances both the amount and quality of sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Demanding= rape, right?

Is this not understood?

JFC. No, it's not rape. Not in the slightest. Saying, "If we don't have more sex, I'm leaving" is not rape. It's communicating your dissatisfaction and demanding change. IF that doesn't happen, you leave for a situation that works better for you both.
What is wrong with people?!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Other way around. I told DH that we weren't having enough sex. While he seemed content and with little interest, I was not very happy. I told him how displeased and unsatisfied I was. It did manage to turn things around and he's making more of an effort to initiate. We've both made adjustments.

So yes, it does work when one party communicates with the other party. If you're not happy, why would you keep it to yourself?

+1. I find it odd that so many people here think the issue shouldn't be discussed and, to the extent its a dealbreaker, to let your partner know.

I mentioned in one of these threads that communicating this to my wife was actively counterproductive. In addition to the existing reasons for not wanting to have sex with me (her body image issues, hormones, lack of novelty in a long-term marriage) now she had the pressure of knowing that I was not happy with our sex life which added to her lack of libido. And, when she did have sex with me, it wasn't as good because I now had the suspicion she might just be doing it out of a sense of obligation.

Women don’t care that much about novelty. If anything, the love and trust that grow with your sense of familiarity with your spouse enhances both the amount and quality of sex.

DP. Thanks for saying this! I keep hearing all of the time that women are wired for novelty. Maybe some are, but it's certainly NOT universal!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Demanding= rape, right?

Is this not understood?

JFC. No, it's not rape. Not in the slightest. Saying, "If we don't have more sex, I'm leaving" is not rape. It's communicating your dissatisfaction and demanding change. IF that doesn't happen, you leave for a situation that works better for you both.
What is wrong with people?!!!

Right?

To use the old consent/tea reference (https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=youtube+tea+consent&docid=608003404565398955&mid=AE75C0A0984110742CE0AE75C0A0984110742CE0&view=detail&FORM=VIRE), this isn't pouring tea down someone's throat when they don't want it.
This is having a discussion with your spouse about how it's really important to you that they become more of a tea-drinker in the future, that you don't like to drink tea alone, that you want to drink tea with them, but if they really don't like it, then you are going to have to find some other tea-drinking partner.

Whether or not that makes tea more appealing is a separate subject.