S/O Has demanding sex ever actually worked for anyone?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Other way around. I told DH that we weren't having enough sex. While he seemed content and with little interest, I was not very happy. I told him how displeased and unsatisfied I was. It did manage to turn things around and he's making more of an effort to initiate. We've both made adjustments.

So yes, it does work when one party communicates with the other party. If you're not happy, why would you keep it to yourself?

+1. I find it odd that so many people here think the issue shouldn't be discussed and, to the extent its a dealbreaker, to let your partner know.

I mentioned in one of these threads that communicating this to my wife was actively counterproductive. In addition to the existing reasons for not wanting to have sex with me (her body image issues, hormones, lack of novelty in a long-term marriage) now she had the pressure of knowing that I was not happy with our sex life which added to her lack of libido. And, when she did have sex with me, it wasn't as good because I now had the suspicion she might just be doing it out of a sense of obligation.

Women don’t care that much about novelty. If anything, the love and trust that grow with your sense of familiarity with your spouse enhances both the amount and quality of sex.

I can't cite anything at the moment, so maybe I'm wrong, but I thought studies tended to show that women grew bored with sex more rapidly than men while in long term relationships.

+1 of course women crave novelty. what a ridiculous statement.

I noted earlier that this is not necessarily true. Familiarity with a person comes with love and trust. When a person feels truly loved by their spouse and has a strong trust in that person, good and frequent sex is much more likely.

Any woman in a good marriage I’ve ever talked to much prefers the person she has known well and been intimate with for years over sme new guy. I don’t doubt that women in troubled marriages might want someone new; she probably doesn’t feel love and trust with the one she’s with if the rest of the marriage is not as happy as it could be.

Familiarity + love + trust = good sex. Every time.

That's just an old trope. The best sex I ever had was with men I would never marry because they weren't compatible with me in one or more major ways. Because I didn't care what they thought of my sexual desires, I could relax and be myself. Too much emotion caught up in a marriage to have a great sex life if you're inherently not compatible in that department.

It sounds like you don’t trust your husband. Are you afraid that he is going to make fun of you? Think badly of you? You would really rather never have great sex again than tell your husband your sexual desires?

My husband is a repressed former Catholic. I told him two of the things I like, and he rejected both of them and in fact responded with a cutting comment, "I tried X activity in the early days of our dating, and you said no. Why all of a sudden do you want it now?" And the second thing he just didn't respond to in any way. I trust that he won't tell anyone what I like - nothing I've told him is that unusual anyway - but I don't feel like being open and vulnerable to someone who doesn't make me feel safe, much less encouraging about what I really like.

Ouch. I follow you. (Although, as a practicing Catholic, I want to say that plenty of us are having good sex!).
I am not that poster, but I stand by her statement that that familiarity + love + trust = good sex. But if you don’t love or trust anyone, then of course you would rather be with a stranger. Because familiarity without love and trust = fear and shame, and feeling *nothing* is better than feeling ashamed.

No wonder so many women stop having sex with their partners.

The familiarity + love + trust = good sex formula works for most women but that doesn’t mean that novelty can’t also be really good for some women! We are truly all different.

Also, OP with the repressed catholic husband: are you having sex with him but never having an orgasm? Personally I wouldn’t be okay with that. Your situation sucks either way but if he is getting off every time and you never are that sounds extremely depressing.

DP here. I think the woman with the repressed husband doesn’t have a problem with that formula not working for her but that the formula is actually being proved true. She doesn’t feel truly loved by her husband, so she doesn’t fully trust him, so they’re not having good sex.

It is very likely that most of the men on here complaining that their wives don’t want to have sex with them are in marriages where their spouses don’t really feel loved by them, and therefore don’t feel that deep sense of trust that can lead to good sex.

Honestly, some of the men here have written of their wives in such a disparaging and contemptuous manner that I don’t see how their wives can’t sense those feelings. Why would anyone feel desire for someone who holds them in contempt?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:If you can't perform your wifely duties with enthusiasm and energy, you don't deserve to be a wife. In this case divorce is good for both sides.

Lol. Because being your wife is such a privilege

It is hilarious how people, men and women, act like being married to these totally mediocre men is the pinnacle of our existence.

PP I don’t care what your kids or those ignorant young women you are dating think, being married to you would be a punishment for anybody. Good husbands don’t say crap like this.

Exactly. A good man doesn’t say things like this and a woman certainly doesn’t feel loved by a man who talks about women in this way.

I think the real problem here is that men who talk like this fundamentally don’t really like women. They like what women can do for them, particularly sex, but they don’t really like women as people. Their wives eventually realize that their husbands don’t really like them and that is why they lose their sense of desire for their husbands. Generally, people really don’t want to have sex with people who feel contempt for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We once had a sexless marriage due to my wife being uninterested. I gave her a loving ultimatum. We now have sex twice per week. If not then we would have divorced. I’m glad it worked out well for us both, but I was not bluffing and I would not stay (faithful) in a sexless or low sex marriage. Sorry but I am a normal healthy man and I need regular sex.

How did you phrase the loving ultimatum? (Asking for a friend…)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We once had a sexless marriage due to my wife being uninterested. I gave her a loving ultimatum. We now have sex twice per week. If not then we would have divorced. I’m glad it worked out well for us both, but I was not bluffing and I would not stay (faithful) in a sexless or low sex marriage. Sorry but I am a normal healthy man and I need regular sex.

Oh I've had a few friends with loser husbands like you. They think they won, but the wife can't stand them. Just hoping for them to slip on a banana peel because really his wife only cares about the kids and pets. And might I ask are you giving your wife all she needs in a marriage?? Because apparently it's ALL about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We once had a sexless marriage due to my wife being uninterested. I gave her a loving ultimatum. We now have sex twice per week. If not then we would have divorced. I’m glad it worked out well for us both, but I was not bluffing and I would not stay (faithful) in a sexless or low sex marriage. Sorry but I am a normal healthy man and I need regular sex.

Oh I've had a few friends with loser husbands like you. They think they won, but the wife can't stand them. Just hoping for them to slip on a banana peel because really his wife only cares about the kids and pets. And might I ask are you giving your wife all she needs in a marriage?? Because apparently it's ALL about you.

She stopped having sex, I was unhappy, I told her we fix it or it’s over, we fixed it, now I am happy. So I must agree with you: I have won! This is how adults handle things. Try it some time. Maybe you too can be happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We once had a sexless marriage due to my wife being uninterested. I gave her a loving ultimatum. We now have sex twice per week. If not then we would have divorced. I’m glad it worked out well for us both, but I was not bluffing and I would not stay (faithful) in a sexless or low sex marriage. Sorry but I am a normal healthy man and I need regular sex.

yep. she hates your guts!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We once had a sexless marriage due to my wife being uninterested. I gave her a loving ultimatum. We now have sex twice per week. If not then we would have divorced. I’m glad it worked out well for us both, but I was not bluffing and I would not stay (faithful) in a sexless or low sex marriage. Sorry but I am a normal healthy man and I need regular sex.

Oh I've had a few friends with loser husbands like you. They think they won, but the wife can't stand them. Just hoping for them to slip on a banana peel because really his wife only cares about the kids and pets. And might I ask are you giving your wife all she needs in a marriage?? Because apparently it's ALL about you.

She stopped having sex, I was unhappy, I told her we fix it or it’s over, we fixed it, now I am happy. So I must agree with you: I have won! This is how adults handle things. Try it some time. Maybe you too can be happy.

Is your wife happy? How can you be happy if she’s not?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We once had a sexless marriage due to my wife being uninterested. I gave her a loving ultimatum. We now have sex twice per week. If not then we would have divorced. I’m glad it worked out well for us both, but I was not bluffing and I would not stay (faithful) in a sexless or low sex marriage. Sorry but I am a normal healthy man and I need regular sex.

Oh I've had a few friends with loser husbands like you. They think they won, but the wife can't stand them. Just hoping for them to slip on a banana peel because really his wife only cares about the kids and pets. And might I ask are you giving your wife all she needs in a marriage?? Because apparently it's ALL about you.

She stopped having sex, I was unhappy, I told her we fix it or it’s over, we fixed it, now I am happy. So I must agree with you: I have won! This is how adults handle things. Try it some time. Maybe you too can be happy.

Is your wife happy? How can you be happy if she’s not?

+1

If the conversation didn’t address her own desire, sexual health, emotional health, need for connection, or whatever, this is a crummy solution for her. She is white knuckling the marriage. I hope she finds some kind of real happiness in her life.

[Anonymous]

women: waagh waagh i'm not happy with my husband for reason x, y, and z
also women: nooo, i don't want to divorce

this is 21st century, feminists have fought for generations so you don't have to stick around for dead beats

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We once had a sexless marriage due to my wife being uninterested. I gave her a loving ultimatum. We now have sex twice per week. If not then we would have divorced. I’m glad it worked out well for us both, but I was not bluffing and I would not stay (faithful) in a sexless or low sex marriage. Sorry but I am a normal healthy man and I need regular sex.

Oh I've had a few friends with loser husbands like you. They think they won, but the wife can't stand them. Just hoping for them to slip on a banana peel because really his wife only cares about the kids and pets. And might I ask are you giving your wife all she needs in a marriage?? Because apparently it's ALL about you.

She stopped having sex, I was unhappy, I told her we fix it or it’s over, we fixed it, now I am happy. So I must agree with you: I have won! This is how adults handle things. Try it some time. Maybe you too can be happy.

Is your wife happy? How can you be happy if she’s not?

+1

If the conversation didn’t address her own desire, sexual health, emotional health, need for connection, or whatever, this is a crummy solution for her. She is white knuckling the marriage. I hope she finds some kind of real happiness in her life.

I said we fixed it and it’s worked out well for both of us. If (as PP asserted) she is secretly plotting my death by banana peel, well I would repeat that adults who are unhappy TELL YOUR PARTNER about this, and I would expect same from my wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Other way around. I told DH that we weren't having enough sex. While he seemed content and with little interest, I was not very happy. I told him how displeased and unsatisfied I was. It did manage to turn things around and he's making more of an effort to initiate. We've both made adjustments.

So yes, it does work when one party communicates with the other party. If you're not happy, why would you keep it to yourself?

+1. I find it odd that so many people here think the issue shouldn't be discussed and, to the extent its a dealbreaker, to let your partner know.

I mentioned in one of these threads that communicating this to my wife was actively counterproductive. In addition to the existing reasons for not wanting to have sex with me (her body image issues, hormones, lack of novelty in a long-term marriage) now she had the pressure of knowing that I was not happy with our sex life which added to her lack of libido. And, when she did have sex with me, it wasn't as good because I now had the suspicion she might just be doing it out of a sense of obligation.

Women don’t care that much about novelty. If anything, the love and trust that grow with your sense of familiarity with your spouse enhances both the amount and quality of sex.

Speak for yourself. I'm a woman in my mid 50s and I really crave novelty. I'd take it with my husband, but he likes to do things the exact same way every time. We're way too familiar with each other. Doesn't help me at all

Oh honey that's not novelty you crave. Your husband is selfish and bad in bed. The bolded means he is NOT a good lover.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Demanding is coercive. Hinting is deeply unsexy. Not initiating at all often means no sex at all. Basically nothing works if your wife stops wanting to have sex.

Or husband.

[Anonymous]

We only had sporadic sex for a few years during the little kid stage. DH never gave an ultimatum, likely because I had a lot of work/parent/kid stress going on.

Anyways, he waited it out and now we have sex every day. It’s fabulous. I’m so thankful that he didn’t whine or try to have a serious talk about it - that’s just so unattractive.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:These comments are sad. A lot of women don’t know what we want sexually because we are conditioned from young ages to prioritize the man’s satisfaction. Our general definition of sex is basically a man having an O. We don’t focus a lot on our own pleasure and are often quite detached from it, especially if we grew up in a culture that wasn’t sex-positive for girls. I think if we could just learn, without shame, more about our own bodies and what kinds of situations are best for our pleasure, it would be better for marriages but more importantly for us.

I definitely think women don't know what they want sexually, should focus on that, and should communicate what they want. I'm not sure I agree that women are conditioned to prioritize what men want sexually. I'm a data point of one, but I don't know that I've ever experienced a woman being all that focused on my sexual satisfaction. I think a lot of men have the same experience as me. I think women are shamed and taught to be reticent about sex, so they really aren't prioritizing anyone's sexual satisfaction -- his or hers.

Imagine a sexual experience in which your partner had an orgasm, but you didn’t, maybe because she just wasn’t that great at figuring out how to make you O, so you stop and say, hey, it’s fine, let’s just move on with our day.

Most people, men and women, would think that’s really weird. That wouldn’t even count as sex. But with the sexes reversed, that is what sex is frequently like for a good number of women. Sex basically equals a man’s pleasure and hers is a bonus but not required. That’s what I mean by women are conditioned to focus on a man’s pleasure .

Yes, we are all conditioned to focus on male pleasure as the point of sex. That's why "sex" is generally defined as PIV, which usually doesn't result in orgasm for women. Most men (and probably most women) don't even know that. So many men honestly believe that jackhammering away for as long as possible is the best way to please a woman. So many women honestly believe that there's something wrong with them if they don't enjoy the jackhammering.

My experience is that a sexual encounter is generally considered a failure if the man doesn't orgasm, but the woman orgasming is generally considered optional. Plenty of men have been happy to leave me hanging, but they always get theirs.

this. it’s shocking how many women and men don’t seem to know that the route to orgasm is direct clit stimulation for the vast majority. PIV ain’t gonna do that unless you work out how to get the direct stimulation on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Demanding is coercive. Hinting is deeply unsexy. Not initiating at all often means no sex at all. Basically nothing works if your wife stops wanting to have sex.

Or husband.

Maybe. But a husband wearing lingerie is never going to get the wife’s motor running. Sometimes that’ll work if the wife does it.