S/O Has demanding sex ever actually worked for anyone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Demanding is coercive. Hinting is deeply unsexy. Not initiating at all often means no sex at all. Basically nothing works if your wife stops wanting to have sex.

I think this is true. I also think a woman not wanting sex is a sign of a deeper marital problem. She might feel, in the moment, that she's exhausted from the day's work. I know I do. I get up at 5am and it's nonstop serving everyone else but myself until 10 or so at night. I do not want to have sex then, since it is basically another service to someone else. My needs are never met. If I had a better marriage and a husband who cared about my needs in bed, I don't think daily exhaustion would get in the way -- at least not as much.

Maybe, but I have a great marriage to an attractive husband and....I have no desire for sex. It's 20 years of the same old, not sexy. I am not alone.

Woman here, 42, married for 16 years and together for 19, 5 kids.

I don't get this. I see it on here all of the time, but I don't know anyone IRL who is in a great marriage, used to enjoy sex, and just doesn't really like it anymore. Even my mother and her friends (all in their mid 60's) still talk about it when they are drinking. One of them married a gay man in her 50's, and she talks about how she deeply misses sex.

I'm not trying to say that there is something wrong with you, but I just don't get what this is about. Do you like other kinds of physical intimacy? Or is it all behind you?

Huh, my friends and I joke about our strategies to avoid our husbands trying to have sex with us. It's not that I hate it, but I don't really crave it but I will go along with it to keep the marriage going. That's interesting that you still crave it, I really think you are in the minority but what do I know

Wait, what? How old are you? I can’t even imagine not craving sex with my husband, and we’re in our late 50s, early 60s.

There very well could be something going on with your marriage or your life that’s causing you to want to avoid sex right now. I don’t think it’s normal to feel that way, and none of my friends have ever joked about avoiding sex with their husbands.

Half of married couples in their 50s have sex once a month or less which is sexless by definition, but that's great you found a group of libidinous women to hang with

[Anonymous]

As a husband of many years I’ve never demanded sex or begged for it. Neither approach would be effective with my wife. Sex once or twice a week is the most I can hope for so once or twice a week I’ll, in the morning, say it would be nice to get together that evening. She is usually amendable and if not she has a pretty good reason. She is always very enthusiastic in bed so I never feel like she is taking one for the team. She initiates as well and when she does she really gets into it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Other way around. I told DH that we weren't having enough sex. While he seemed content and with little interest, I was not very happy. I told him how displeased and unsatisfied I was. It did manage to turn things around and he's making more of an effort to initiate. We've both made adjustments.

So yes, it does work when one party communicates with the other party. If you're not happy, why would you keep it to yourself?

+1. I find it odd that so many people here think the issue shouldn't be discussed and, to the extent its a dealbreaker, to let your partner know.

I mentioned in one of these threads that communicating this to my wife was actively counterproductive. In addition to the existing reasons for not wanting to have sex with me (her body image issues, hormones, lack of novelty in a long-term marriage) now she had the pressure of knowing that I was not happy with our sex life which added to her lack of libido. And, when she did have sex with me, it wasn't as good because I now had the suspicion she might just be doing it out of a sense of obligation.

Women don’t care that much about novelty. If anything, the love and trust that grow with your sense of familiarity with your spouse enhances both the amount and quality of sex.

I can't cite anything at the moment, so maybe I'm wrong, but I thought studies tended to show that women grew bored with sex more rapidly than men while in long term relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Other way around. I told DH that we weren't having enough sex. While he seemed content and with little interest, I was not very happy. I told him how displeased and unsatisfied I was. It did manage to turn things around and he's making more of an effort to initiate. We've both made adjustments.

So yes, it does work when one party communicates with the other party. If you're not happy, why would you keep it to yourself?

+1. I find it odd that so many people here think the issue shouldn't be discussed and, to the extent its a dealbreaker, to let your partner know.

Absolutely. Sex is a BFD in a marriage. If you're sexually dissatisfied, that has the potential to poison other areas of your marriage. You need to talk about your sex life as openly and honestly as you can. Communication is the key to saving a marriage. I wanted more sex. My DH didn't realize that - or kept forgetting. So I let him know when I was ready to blow my lid. Wish I'd done it earlier and we'd have saved a lot of heartache. So, talk to your spouses, folks. Tell them you want more, less, or what have you. Hopefully, your partner will realize the importance of the matter before ultimatums have to be made.

I was the DW who wished the topic had never come up because it just made things worse. I’m glad things worked out for you but nobody’s experience works for everybody.

I will say that talking is great when you have good tools for having the conversation. But my husband read some articles that had some terribly bad information (like some of the comments here) and approached it in a way that was counterproductive. Then I responded by feeling very ashamed and trying a bunch of stuff that absolutely didn’t work. We were just kind of flying blind and I didn’t want to start having sex again until DH stopped being resentful that I didn’t want it as much as i did before.

Now I know why I want to have sex and why I don’t want to have sex and the conversation would have been better. But most people just have so much bad information about sex and so mere communication between partners is of limited use.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Other way around. I told DH that we weren't having enough sex. While he seemed content and with little interest, I was not very happy. I told him how displeased and unsatisfied I was. It did manage to turn things around and he's making more of an effort to initiate. We've both made adjustments.

So yes, it does work when one party communicates with the other party. If you're not happy, why would you keep it to yourself?

+1. I find it odd that so many people here think the issue shouldn't be discussed and, to the extent its a dealbreaker, to let your partner know.

Absolutely. Sex is a BFD in a marriage. If you're sexually dissatisfied, that has the potential to poison other areas of your marriage. You need to talk about your sex life as openly and honestly as you can. Communication is the key to saving a marriage. I wanted more sex. My DH didn't realize that - or kept forgetting. So I let him know when I was ready to blow my lid. Wish I'd done it earlier and we'd have saved a lot of heartache. So, talk to your spouses, folks. Tell them you want more, less, or what have you. Hopefully, your partner will realize the importance of the matter before ultimatums have to be made.

I was the DW who wished the topic had never come up because it just made things worse. I’m glad things worked out for you but nobody’s experience works for everybody.

I will say that talking is great when you have good tools for having the conversation. But my husband read some articles that had some terribly bad information (like some of the comments here) and approached it in a way that was counterproductive. Then I responded by feeling very ashamed and trying a bunch of stuff that absolutely didn’t work. We were just kind of flying blind and I didn’t want to start having sex again until DH stopped being resentful that I didn’t want it as much as i did before.

Now I know why I want to have sex and why I don’t want to have sex and the conversation would have been better. But most people just have so much bad information about sex and so mere communication between partners is of limited use.

I still believe that some communication is better than no communication. NO communication achieves absolutely nothing. At least with some - albeit faulty - you're trying to remedy the problem. It's up to you to work on how to communicate. But the idea that we should surpress discussions about sex is a recipe for complete disaster in my book.

[Anonymous]

I no longer am attracted to my husband because he is annoying, farts, burps and is basically a non-romantic pig. Yes, he is a good Dad, helps around the house and is good looking. But... He has bad manners and is very territorial as in he does not ever want me to leave the house even though he stays on the couch all day if not working. I actually have explosive sex with my neighbor. I do not many a relationship with him, although we talk, but we connect and get it on. I really do not care if it is wrong or not. It feels.great!

[Anonymous]

* do.not many a relationship with my neighbor

[Anonymous]

^^sorry I should learn to spell first. Lol. Do not want a relationship

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Other way around. I told DH that we weren't having enough sex. While he seemed content and with little interest, I was not very happy. I told him how displeased and unsatisfied I was. It did manage to turn things around and he's making more of an effort to initiate. We've both made adjustments.

So yes, it does work when one party communicates with the other party. If you're not happy, why would you keep it to yourself?

+1. I find it odd that so many people here think the issue shouldn't be discussed and, to the extent its a dealbreaker, to let your partner know.

Absolutely. Sex is a BFD in a marriage. If you're sexually dissatisfied, that has the potential to poison other areas of your marriage. You need to talk about your sex life as openly and honestly as you can. Communication is the key to saving a marriage. I wanted more sex. My DH didn't realize that - or kept forgetting. So I let him know when I was ready to blow my lid. Wish I'd done it earlier and we'd have saved a lot of heartache. So, talk to your spouses, folks. Tell them you want more, less, or what have you. Hopefully, your partner will realize the importance of the matter before ultimatums have to be made.

I was the DW who wished the topic had never come up because it just made things worse. I’m glad things worked out for you but nobody’s experience works for everybody.

I will say that talking is great when you have good tools for having the conversation. But my husband read some articles that had some terribly bad information (like some of the comments here) and approached it in a way that was counterproductive. Then I responded by feeling very ashamed and trying a bunch of stuff that absolutely didn’t work. We were just kind of flying blind and I didn’t want to start having sex again until DH stopped being resentful that I didn’t want it as much as i did before.

Now I know why I want to have sex and why I don’t want to have sex and the conversation would have been better. But most people just have so much bad information about sex and so mere communication between partners is of limited use.

I still believe that some communication is better than no communication. NO communication achieves absolutely nothing. At least with some - albeit faulty - you're trying to remedy the problem. It's up to you to work on how to communicate. But the idea that we should surpress discussions about sex is a recipe for complete disaster in my book.

It completely depends on how you communicate, what information you have, how the partners’ sexual brains are wired.

For me, the absolute biggest turn-off is feeling like I somehow owe my husband sex. This and somebody being mean to me are actually the only turn-offs I have that I know of. If my partner had somehow been able to approach the conversation in a way that didn’t leave me feeling like I was obligated to have sex to make him happy, it probably would have been okay. But he didn’t know how to do that, and I didn’t know how that his suggestion that I was obligated to have sex was turning me off so much.

So the conversation for us left us in a much worse place than no conversation at all would have. What no conversation was achieving was NOT turning me off.

For somebody who is isn’t turned off by the idea that they are obligated to have sex with their partner to make their partner happy, it would be totally different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Demanding= rape, right?

Is this not understood?

JFC. No, it's not rape. Not in the slightest. Saying, "If we don't have more sex, I'm leaving" is not rape. It's communicating your dissatisfaction and demanding change. IF that doesn't happen, you leave for a situation that works better for you both.
What is wrong with people?!!!

Sounds like rape to most everyone. Most assuredly, it will not result in any desired outcome, and the party making such a demand will find his way out the door by his spouse or partner holding the door open for him. What is wrong with anyone who feels this might be the way to increase relations? Will never happen.

[Anonymous]

Nothing like an ultimatum that requires a woman to have sex or face the dissolution of her family, home, and finances.

Sure, but it's not rape or abuse, right?

Sounds like the 1950s and 1960s, which was entirely a paternalistic culture which basically enslaved an entire generation of women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Other way around. I told DH that we weren't having enough sex. While he seemed content and with little interest, I was not very happy. I told him how displeased and unsatisfied I was. It did manage to turn things around and he's making more of an effort to initiate. We've both made adjustments.

So yes, it does work when one party communicates with the other party. If you're not happy, why would you keep it to yourself?

+1. I find it odd that so many people here think the issue shouldn't be discussed and, to the extent its a dealbreaker, to let your partner know.

I mentioned in one of these threads that communicating this to my wife was actively counterproductive. In addition to the existing reasons for not wanting to have sex with me (her body image issues, hormones, lack of novelty in a long-term marriage) now she had the pressure of knowing that I was not happy with our sex life which added to her lack of libido. And, when she did have sex with me, it wasn't as good because I now had the suspicion she might just be doing it out of a sense of obligation.

Women don’t care that much about novelty. If anything, the love and trust that grow with your sense of familiarity with your spouse enhances both the amount and quality of sex.

I can't cite anything at the moment, so maybe I'm wrong, but I thought studies tended to show that women grew bored with sex more rapidly than men while in long term relationships.

I don’t know about any studies, but for my husband and me, the familiarity with each other that we have developed over more than thirty years has helped us feel more comfortable with each other and, therefore, more adventurous with what we l8ke to do together. Trust is a huge element in good sex and trust is increased with time together.

I would not feel the kind of trust I have with my husband with some new man. It would be the opposite of exciting to have sex with someone I barely know (novelty). My husband and I know so much about each other, we love and trust each other completely, and that leads to a fun and enjoyable sex life.

If your wife feels loved by you and that she can trust you, she will want to be intimate with you.

[Anonymous]

An old BF tried pulling this crap and we were already having sex 2 times per week.
It was a major turnoff and I ended it.
It would be very triggering for me to have DH demand more sex than we currently have.
Discuss it? Sure.
Demand it with an ultimatum? That is sleazy and feels all kinds of wrong to assume that you should have more access to someone's actual BODY and then demand access to it.

[Anonymous]

The title of this thread made me LOL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Other way around. I told DH that we weren't having enough sex. While he seemed content and with little interest, I was not very happy. I told him how displeased and unsatisfied I was. It did manage to turn things around and he's making more of an effort to initiate. We've both made adjustments.

So yes, it does work when one party communicates with the other party. If you're not happy, why would you keep it to yourself?

+1. I find it odd that so many people here think the issue shouldn't be discussed and, to the extent its a dealbreaker, to let your partner know.

I mentioned in one of these threads that communicating this to my wife was actively counterproductive. In addition to the existing reasons for not wanting to have sex with me (her body image issues, hormones, lack of novelty in a long-term marriage) now she had the pressure of knowing that I was not happy with our sex life which added to her lack of libido. And, when she did have sex with me, it wasn't as good because I now had the suspicion she might just be doing it out of a sense of obligation.

Just curious--do you and/or your DW utilize any marital aids? (that require batteries or cords). Personally, they changed my life. Whew. I first explored manually, but as a woman I had no idea what I was missing until I ventured out in my 20s into more 'adult' options. Sorry you are going through what you are going through. It is sad, but a lot of women are done a great disservice by society and their parents (and family) on so many levels. (Shaming as we develop, overattention to our developing bodies, weight, later comments about when/if/how we will get pregnant, etc.) It is a real mfcK. And to get through as woman unscathed, and to still want sex, seems a miracle.

Some women need to really take time and learn their bodies, learn what makes them feel good, learn every inch of their bodies, LOVE every inch of their bodies and almost make it homework. It is a process, and it will feel like 'work,' but the payoff can be amazing. Deep down, we have to decide that we deserve pleasure. Unfortunately some of us do not get real heart-to-heart talks about relationships, compromise, real intimacy, etc.