is it appropriate to ask people origin of their last name? should it be?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I often go down this conversational path if I have a follow up story about the nationality in question (like I love the country or speak that language).

If someone were to cut the discussion off with a cold expression, I would consider them to be rude.

Has the US gotten to a point where all discussions of ethnicity or race are kryptonite? I hope not.

It’s rude for someone to refuse to subject themselves to what they feel is your rude line of questioning? Many of them don’t care if tou speak the language or love the country. Not everything is about you.

What a hostile way to walk about the world! When someone is expressing an interest in your family, they are SUBJECTING you to something. And you DON'T CARE about them anyway.

Glad that the world is not made up only of people like you.

(Though I am a little curious about what made you so angry and unfriendly??)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not like discussing the origin of my last name because it is my married name and therefore I have no blood ties to where it originated. I couldn't care less.

I do correct people who pronounce it wrong but just once.

I wish I had kept my maiden name. It was easy to pronounce and I wouldn't mind discussing the heritage of it with anyone.

So change your name. You got yourself into this situation. You chose that label and now seem to resent that people associate it with you.

+1 at least you have an easy fix

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this poster has issues, possibly around her dad's untimely death.

Life is more interesting if you can have conversations in passing with the people you meet. You might learn from the stranger or educate them. Why get so defensive? They seem to be showing genuine interest. Must we all be robotic islands as we pass each other in this life?

Sharing your story is not to be violated. Most secure people enjoy discussing their family's history. If yours is traumatic, seek therapy, not colder interactions with other humans.

No one can force you to share what you don't want to share. If this topic pushes your buttons, come up with a script that ends the conversation quickly and impersonally.

I DO think though that you might examine why friendly questions set you off so easily.

OP here. I absolutely have issues around my dads untimely death. and others have issues around similar issues that would make drilling into family history with people who were strangers 10 seconds before uncomfortable look i don’t think it’s mal intention, but it can’t be uncommon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is a form of racist micro aggression, when asked of a BIPOC by a white person.

Give me an F'ing break! Your are exhausting. It's this kind of pearl clutching, hyperbole, and over sensitivity that that narcissistic, POS ex-president was elected. This kind of inability to deal with a simple, innocent question just give ammunition to the all the true racists out there. Please grow a millimeter more of skin and stop being so self involved.

I work in a job where I am meeting new people everyday, and in many cases will continue to interact with them on some level. Why is it racist to want to know how to pronounce their name? I think its actually incredibly rude and maybe even racist to not give a crap what their name is and how they would like be addressed!!!! It basically says "I care so little about you that I can't even be bothered to know how to say your name." ASKING THE CORRECT PRONUNCIATION IS THE CORRECT THING TO DO!. Now, to continue to ask once a person has said it's "fine" or "close enough" starts to border on pushy or obstrusive.

+1000. People can’t win. If you ask a bunch of questions about their name, you are racist. If you pronounce in wrong and don’t bother asking if it’s correct, then you’re also a racist. Wtf

How you “win” in that situation is to ask how it’s pronounced. That’s all. You don’t need to ask the origins of the name to pronounce it correctly. It’s not a bunch of questions. It is just one. “How do you say your name?”[/thank you - OP again. i don’t need to have a long conversation every time i introduce myself about my name. i don’t need to handle peoples (ALWAYS white people by the way) reactions to my name - which os hard, and different, by hearing how intimidated they are ans WHAT HOW do you say that… again 5x
. i will stop saying you can call me Jane ans say i’d prefer Jane and see if i can cut the exchange down to a couple times versus endless questions which are so boring after a while

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a long, unusual last name.
I am so tired of having to have conversations about it when I meet people.

"Oh, where is it from, how do you say it?"
"Are you from there?"
No my father was.
"Do you speak X language"
No, he died when I was young.

Etc. etc. I am white. I get this is much worse if you aren't. But today I was on the phone with a "really nice" customer service lady who was just taking information before I spoke to the doctor and she INSISTED on knowing how to pronounce my name as a sign of respect

"no really, am I saying it right?"
Yes, that's fine
"no seriously, I want to learn it?"
well, it's more like X. Can you just shut up>?

if it really bothers you that much change it or at least change it to the phonetic spelling.

and the correct answer for “are your from there?” is some form of “no it’s just a family name” or “my ancestors were ...” and the language question “no” is the answer

but you don’t tell people your dad is dead to random people who are asking

you are making your own problem

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is a form of racist micro aggression, when asked of a BIPOC by a white person.

Give me an F'ing break! Your are exhausting. It's this kind of pearl clutching, hyperbole, and over sensitivity that that narcissistic, POS ex-president was elected. This kind of inability to deal with a simple, innocent question just give ammunition to the all the true racists out there. Please grow a millimeter more of skin and stop being so self involved.

I work in a job where I am meeting new people everyday, and in many cases will continue to interact with them on some level. Why is it racist to want to know how to pronounce their name? I think its actually incredibly rude and maybe even racist to not give a crap what their name is and how they would like be addressed!!!! It basically says "I care so little about you that I can't even be bothered to know how to say your name." ASKING THE CORRECT PRONUNCIATION IS THE CORRECT THING TO DO!. Now, to continue to ask once a person has said it's "fine" or "close enough" starts to border on pushy or obstrusive.

+1000. People can’t win. If you ask a bunch of questions about their name, you are racist. If you pronounce in wrong and don’t bother asking if it’s correct, then you’re also a racist. Wtf

There is a happy medium between asking someone how to correctly pronounce their name and interrogating them about where they're "really from". The former is courteous and the latter is rude, in the middle just pay attention to social cues and leave off that line of conversation even if you're still curious but they're done answering questions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is a form of racist micro aggression, when asked of a BIPOC by a white person.

Nope, I have a very long Italian last name and people always comment on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not like discussing the origin of my last name because it is my married name and therefore I have no blood ties to where it originated. I couldn't care less.

I do correct people who pronounce it wrong but just once.

I wish I had kept my maiden name. It was easy to pronounce and I wouldn't mind discussing the heritage of it with anyone.

So change your name. You got yourself into this situation. You chose that label and now seem to resent that people associate it with you.

+1 at least you have an easy fix

It is so odd that people do not consider themselves part of their spouse's family or vice versa. Agree that the pp didn't have to take the name, so the hostility is odd.

[Anonymous]

I often have occasion to ask people about their names, and do. I can't swear it's 100% positive reactions, but I can't remember a negative one. Most people are happy to talk about themselves, and having an unusual (for the US) name makes them interesting and special. I usually can relate some connection we have, even if it's just my enjoyment of their cuisine.

If someone had a negative affect about them, or reacted coldly to other things, I'd probably not ask them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is a form of racist micro aggression, when asked of a BIPOC by a white person.

Give me an F'ing break! Your are exhausting. It's this kind of pearl clutching, hyperbole, and over sensitivity that that narcissistic, POS ex-president was elected. This kind of inability to deal with a simple, innocent question just give ammunition to the all the true racists out there. Please grow a millimeter more of skin and stop being so self involved.

I work in a job where I am meeting new people everyday, and in many cases will continue to interact with them on some level. Why is it racist to want to know how to pronounce their name? I think its actually incredibly rude and maybe even racist to not give a crap what their name is and how they would like be addressed!!!! It basically says "I care so little about you that I can't even be bothered to know how to say your name." ASKING THE CORRECT PRONUNCIATION IS THE CORRECT THING TO DO!. Now, to continue to ask once a person has said it's "fine" or "close enough" starts to border on pushy or obstrusive.

+1000. People can’t win. If you ask a bunch of questions about their name, you are racist. If you pronounce in wrong and don’t bother asking if it’s correct, then you’re also a racist. Wtf

How you “win” in that situation is to ask how it’s pronounced. That’s all. You don’t need to ask the origins of the name to pronounce it correctly. It’s not a bunch of questions. It is just one. “How do you say your name?”[/thank you - OP again. i don’t need to have a long conversation every time i introduce myself about my name. i don’t need to handle peoples (ALWAYS white people by the way) reactions to my name - which os hard, and different, by hearing how intimidated they are ans WHAT HOW do you say that… again 5x
. i will stop saying you can call me Jane ans say i’d prefer Jane and see if i can cut the exchange down to a couple times versus endless questions which are so boring after a while

awww. I have a Slavic name with a bunch of consonants strung together. No one around here can pronounce, some refuse to attempt it and almost no one in the DMV pronounces it correctly, though they pronounce plenty of non-Western European names correctly. It is usually WASPs who have the most difficulty. I always get, is that a __ name? I'm not insulted. If they ask questions (depending on tone of course), I figure they are curious about the world, and I appreciate that. Different strokes for different folks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ and it's usually way more than 20 seconds I am investing. And it's not the time that bugs me: it's being asked a lot of questions about my whole life story, with lots of follow-up, that can lead to painful backstories in my case (although it's no one's intention). And I can't be alone in this.

I'd seriously consider changing it, cutting off questions by saying something like "I'm an orphan" or "I never knew my father", or using a different last name when possible. Like your hair salon doesn't need your real name.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is a form of racist micro aggression, when asked of a BIPOC by a white person.

Nope, I have a very long Italian last name and people always comment on it.

I have a hard to pronounce Polish last name and I love taking the time to discus with others on the name’s real pronunciation and its history. I’m also okay when they mispronounce it because it has happened my entire life.

[Anonymous]

Forget about the name; I have to explain and spell the country all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is a form of racist micro aggression, when asked of a BIPOC by a white person.

Nope, I have a very long Italian last name and people always comment on it.

I have a hard to pronounce Polish last name and I love taking the time to discus with others on the name’s real pronunciation and its history. I’m also okay when they mispronounce it because it has happened my entire life.

same

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a different problem. The way I have pronounced my sirname my whole life is not how people in the area I have moved to pronounce it. So I have to say it differently when I introduce myself.

Not a big deal.

I run into this with my first name. Americans always think I need them to tell me how it's really pronounced.

My last name is a reasonably common British name, but seems to be challenging for almost everyone, so I end up explaining my names A LOT. I only mind when it's because of obnoxious ignorance about my first name.