is it appropriate to ask people origin of their last name? should it be?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't ask people about their names because I can usually figure it out. It's kind of a fun game. You can also google last names to find out the origin. Also just listen when people pronounce their names and try to remember it.

Sometimes you can Google the last names, but increasingly I’ve come across student last names where there isn’t any clue online. I finally learned from one student that his family came from South Asia to the Caribbean and his last name is sort of a local patois version of his great-grandfather’s already uncommon family name. I never would have known from Google.

[Anonymous]

I think this poster has issues, possibly around her dad's untimely death.

Life is more interesting if you can have conversations in passing with the people you meet. You might learn from the stranger or educate them. Why get so defensive? They seem to be showing genuine interest. Must we all be robotic islands as we pass each other in this life?

Sharing your story is not to be violated. Most secure people enjoy discussing their family's history. If yours is traumatic, seek therapy, not colder interactions with other humans.

No one can force you to share what you don't want to share. If this topic pushes your buttons, come up with a script that ends the conversation quickly and impersonally.

I DO think though that you might examine why friendly questions set you off so easily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Apparently Asian Americans hate this so I avoid it with Asian Americans. I love to know people's culture so I still ask everybody else.

It is mostly because I love food, I helped a friend recreate her grandma's recipes over COVID. Had I not had that conversation I would not have know her background or that she missed her grandma's cooking.

You are basically making it that persons job to entertain you and provide you with an "exotic" cultural experience (and recipes?). Not my job to entertain or educate you. It's your job to entertain and educate yourself. Sign up for a cooking class or something.

In other words, a micro aggression.

NO! I'm Asian and like that people ask. They're genuinely interested. It's not racist at all. Stop assuming every single interaction has negative intent.

Agreed, it is better than people who assume that all people with Asian facial features are Chinese (a common misconception).
Asian here and I love being asked and also love asking about unique non-anglo names too!
but way to stereotype pp

[Anonymous]

I often go down this conversational path if I have a follow up story about the nationality in question (like I love the country or speak that language).

If someone were to cut the discussion off with a cold expression, I would consider them to be rude.

Has the US gotten to a point where all discussions of ethnicity or race are kryptonite? I hope not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is a form of racist micro aggression, when asked of a BIPOC by a white person.

Give me an F'ing break! Your are exhausting. It's this kind of pearl clutching, hyperbole, and over sensitivity that that narcissistic, POS ex-president was elected. This kind of inability to deal with a simple, innocent question just give ammunition to the all the true racists out there. Please grow a millimeter more of skin and stop being so self involved.

I work in a job where I am meeting new people everyday, and in many cases will continue to interact with them on some level. Why is it racist to want to know how to pronounce their name? I think its actually incredibly rude and maybe even racist to not give a crap what their name is and how they would like be addressed!!!! It basically says "I care so little about you that I can't even be bothered to know how to say your name." ASKING THE CORRECT PRONUNCIATION IS THE CORRECT THING TO DO!. Now, to continue to ask once a person has said it's "fine" or "close enough" starts to border on pushy or obstrusive.

+1000. People can’t win. If you ask a bunch of questions about their name, you are racist. If you pronounce in wrong and don’t bother asking if it’s correct, then you’re also a racist. Wtf

[Anonymous]

I am white and have a very unusual first name, so I often get a lot of questions about it. It’s sometimes tiresome but I don’t feel “othered” by it, which I’m sure I would if I weren’t white. I agree with the poster who said it’s not anyone’s job to provide you with an interesting cultural experience.

[Anonymous]

I do not like discussing the origin of my last name because it is my married name and therefore I have no blood ties to where it originated. I couldn't care less.

I do correct people who pronounce it wrong but just once.

I wish I had kept my maiden name. It was easy to pronounce and I wouldn't mind discussing the heritage of it with anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My maiden name was like that. It’s Italian and pretty unusual. A lot more common in New England where there are more Italians, but my dad’s side of the family had to settle in the rural Midwest for some bizarre reason where they were big weirdos for being Italian and Catholic. Yes, it feels micro-aggression-ish and “othering.” Can’t tell you how many times I had the “wow where are you from? No like, where are you FROMMMM???” Conversation as a kid and left it feeling like utter crap. There were lots of places back then (still places like that now but less common) where you’d get some heat for not being the “right kind” of white person.

We might have the same name. Sicilian?

[Anonymous]

I have a west Slavic surname and people often ask. A lot of people who immigrated or have families who immigrated from Slavic-speaking countries recognize the origin and usually ask.

[Anonymous]

It’s not offensive to ask the origin of my name.

It is offensive to ask me where I am from, where am I REALLY from, or what am I. (All questions I have been asked and, yes, I am not white.)

[Anonymous]

People have a really hard time with my child’s name. It’s completely phonetic and only two syllables but most people get it wrong the first (and beyond) try. I always gently correct, but then I get accused of being “extra”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I often go down this conversational path if I have a follow up story about the nationality in question (like I love the country or speak that language).

If someone were to cut the discussion off with a cold expression, I would consider them to be rude.

Has the US gotten to a point where all discussions of ethnicity or race are kryptonite? I hope not.

I think the issue is that the person asked has probably already dealt with countless micro-aggressions before the well-meaning person asks. This happens all the time to myself and other women and girls with natural AA hair. I’m often very standoffish with white people who ask about my hair because in my experience, a lot of questions are followed by a request to touch it or worse, the questioner just reaching out and copping a feel sans my permission. The result of a number of those experiences is that I have instinctively taken a step back sometimes when people asked. While that put me out of arms reach, it did nothing about the torrent of stereotypes and insensitive questions. Some people just get a diarrhea of the mouth and have to ask you everything they heard a racist person say about black hair to see if it’s true. When a grown woman asks you if your hair is waterproof, you start shutting down this curiosity as soon as you detect it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is a form of racist micro aggression, when asked of a BIPOC by a white person.

Give me an F'ing break! Your are exhausting. It's this kind of pearl clutching, hyperbole, and over sensitivity that that narcissistic, POS ex-president was elected. This kind of inability to deal with a simple, innocent question just give ammunition to the all the true racists out there. Please grow a millimeter more of skin and stop being so self involved.

I work in a job where I am meeting new people everyday, and in many cases will continue to interact with them on some level. Why is it racist to want to know how to pronounce their name? I think its actually incredibly rude and maybe even racist to not give a crap what their name is and how they would like be addressed!!!! It basically says "I care so little about you that I can't even be bothered to know how to say your name." ASKING THE CORRECT PRONUNCIATION IS THE CORRECT THING TO DO!. Now, to continue to ask once a person has said it's "fine" or "close enough" starts to border on pushy or obstrusive.

+1000. People can’t win. If you ask a bunch of questions about their name, you are racist. If you pronounce in wrong and don’t bother asking if it’s correct, then you’re also a racist. Wtf

How you “win” in that situation is to ask how it’s pronounced. That’s all. You don’t need to ask the origins of the name to pronounce it correctly. It’s not a bunch of questions. It is just one. “How do you say your name?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I often go down this conversational path if I have a follow up story about the nationality in question (like I love the country or speak that language).

If someone were to cut the discussion off with a cold expression, I would consider them to be rude.

Has the US gotten to a point where all discussions of ethnicity or race are kryptonite? I hope not.

It’s rude for someone to refuse to subject themselves to what they feel is your rude line of questioning? Many of them don’t care if tou speak the language or love the country. Not everything is about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do not like discussing the origin of my last name because it is my married name and therefore I have no blood ties to where it originated. I couldn't care less.

I do correct people who pronounce it wrong but just once.

I wish I had kept my maiden name. It was easy to pronounce and I wouldn't mind discussing the heritage of it with anyone.

So change your name. You got yourself into this situation. You chose that label and now seem to resent that people associate it with you.