is it appropriate to ask people origin of their last name? should it be?

[Anonymous]

I have a long, unusual last name.
I am so tired of having to have conversations about it when I meet people.

"Oh, where is it from, how do you say it?"
"Are you from there?"
No my father was.
"Do you speak X language"
No, he died when I was young.

Etc. etc. I am white. I get this is much worse if you aren't. But today I was on the phone with a "really nice" customer service lady who was just taking information before I spoke to the doctor and she INSISTED on knowing how to pronounce my name as a sign of respect

"no really, am I saying it right?"
Yes, that's fine
"no seriously, I want to learn it?"
well, it's more like X. Can you just shut up>?

[Anonymous]

???

I don't understand the nature of the issue for you.

It's better than when they butcher it and don't even try/care.

I've literally gotten:

"Mrs. Ema-notevengoingtotrytosaythat"
"Mrs Whatever"
"Mrs uhhhhhhhh...."
"Mrs. Where'dyougetthisnameyou'rewhite!"

[Anonymous]

I work at a law firm and recently found out I totally butchered a summer associate's first name. She called me, told me who she was and I said, "Hi, and before you tell me why you're calling I just have to apologize because I am pretty sure I mispronounced your name the last time we talked. How do you say it again?"

(It is an Indian name, and I am used to them being totally phonetic which this one was, and I just put the emphasis on the wrong syllables.)

OP, maybe think of it this way: if it's someone you'll never see or talk to again and don't need anything from, tell them they pronounced it right and shut the conversation down. But if it's someone whose shop you'll be in weekly, or the front desk of your doctors office, then since you'll have a relationship with them, invest the 20 seconds to share about your name.

[Anonymous]

I would much rather it be butchered. For instance, if I am sitting in a doctor's waiting room and someone comes to call me into the exam room, and looks confused. They say my first name, look confused, I say "it's me, Jane!" They say, "what is your last name? How do you say it again? Like this? Where is it from? Is it from X?" 90% of the time. It's so tiring.

I am basically in a position where I have to tell my life story or feel rude/evasive changing the subject.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I work at a law firm and recently found out I totally butchered a summer associate's first name. She called me, told me who she was and I said, "Hi, and before you tell me why you're calling I just have to apologize because I am pretty sure I mispronounced your name the last time we talked. How do you say it again?"

(It is an Indian name, and I am used to them being totally phonetic which this one was, and I just put the emphasis on the wrong syllables.)

OP, maybe think of it this way: if it's someone you'll never see or talk to again and don't need anything from, tell them they pronounced it right and shut the conversation down. But if it's someone whose shop you'll be in weekly, or the front desk of your doctors office, then since you'll have a relationship with them, invest the 20 seconds to share about your name.

I agree with having the patience to explain the name to someone you will interact with on and off. And if you ask me once how to say it, and I say close enough, or yes, and that's the end of the discussion - that's fine. But then to engage in multiple follow up questions and comments get old. I don 't want to explain my origin, my parents origin, when did they come to the US, do you speak that language, etc.

I guess it's a PSA that some people with long names are subject to being asked parts of their life stories in many human interactions and it becomes invasive feeling. Again, I am a white person so I don't think it's racism against me, but it gets old.

[Anonymous]

^ and it's usually way more than 20 seconds I am investing. And it's not the time that bugs me: it's being asked a lot of questions about my whole life story, with lots of follow-up, that can lead to painful backstories in my case (although it's no one's intention). And I can't be alone in this.

[Anonymous]

It is a form of racist micro aggression, when asked of a BIPOC by a white person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is a form of racist micro aggression, when asked of a BIPOC by a white person.

Oh ffs.

So when someone asks me about the origin of my unusual name and I’m white, what is that?

[Anonymous]

I ask because I studied language and linguistics in college. That’s all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is a form of racist micro aggression, when asked of a BIPOC by a white person.

You are a white person.

[Anonymous]

Apparently Asian Americans hate this so I avoid it with Asian Americans. I love to know people's culture so I still ask everybody else.

It is mostly because I love food, I helped a friend recreate her grandma's recipes over COVID. Had I not had that conversation I would not have know her background or that she missed her grandma's cooking.

[Anonymous]

I'll try to avoid asking too much, but when I do it's often because I have a connection to the culture I suspect your name might be from and sometimes it leads to interesting conversations.

Is that Thai?
Yes
Cool, I lived in Thailand for ten years.
Really? Which part? My grandparents are from....

But it could also go

Nice name. What's the origin?
Persian
Wow, where are your parents from?
Long story

And we move right on because it's clear they're not interested.

Also, I've heard from other people that it's offensive when people don't even bother trying to pronounce their long name. Sometimes knowing the origin helps with memory of pronunciation. Unfortunately it's hard to know if you're a person who wants to talk about it or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Apparently Asian Americans hate this so I avoid it with Asian Americans. I love to know people's culture so I still ask everybody else.

It is mostly because I love food, I helped a friend recreate her grandma's recipes over COVID. Had I not had that conversation I would not have know her background or that she missed her grandma's cooking.

You are basically making it that persons job to entertain you and provide you with an "exotic" cultural experience (and recipes?). Not my job to entertain or educate you. It's your job to entertain and educate yourself. Sign up for a cooking class or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Apparently Asian Americans hate this so I avoid it with Asian Americans. I love to know people's culture so I still ask everybody else.

It is mostly because I love food, I helped a friend recreate her grandma's recipes over COVID. Had I not had that conversation I would not have know her background or that she missed her grandma's cooking.

You are basically making it that persons job to entertain you and provide you with an "exotic" cultural experience (and recipes?). Not my job to entertain or educate you. It's your job to entertain and educate yourself. Sign up for a cooking class or something.

Sometimes people just want to connect with other people, and the best way to do that is to ask questions. Your defensiveness really shows a glaring lack of social skills.

[Anonymous]

This is an interesting conversation. Like OP, I am white with a very unusual last name that almost everyone cannot pronounce. I get asked often what kind of name that is, or where is it from. I can see that if instead I were asked where am I from, it would be troubling.