is it appropriate to ask people origin of their last name? should it be?

[Anonymous]

Some people are trying to politely make conversation and show some interest in positively connecting with you. Others are trying to show respect by at least making some effort to pronounce your name properly— or as close as they can get. If these efforts bother you, you can just say what you did in your post. “Just shut up” and “ I’m so tired of having to have conversations about it when I meet people “ will, in almost all cases, immediately stop these behaviors that distress you so much.

Pause: If you do choose to do this, please don’t come back wondering why so many people have suddenly become somewhat stand-off-ish, less than enthusiastically helpful, or even curt.

[Anonymous]

If you watch sports, American commentators butcher every name that isn't English. Hard to believe it from the country of immigrants. Then again, the names were changed and made easier for others to pronounce. Hardly ever the case with foreign born commentators.
Two Spanish commentators were reading an Finno-Ugric name yesterday with umlaut in it, and the got it right. It's not like in English they don't have have the sound. It's the "a" in cat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Apparently Asian Americans hate this so I avoid it with Asian Americans. I love to know people's culture so I still ask everybody else.

It is mostly because I love food, I helped a friend recreate her grandma's recipes over COVID. Had I not had that conversation I would not have know her background or that she missed her grandma's cooking.

You are basically making it that persons job to entertain you and provide you with an "exotic" cultural experience (and recipes?). Not my job to entertain or educate you. It's your job to entertain and educate yourself. Sign up for a cooking class or something.

In other words, a micro aggression.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s really interesting! But I’m white and I only ask white people this because I don’t want anyone to get the wrong impression. I’m not trying to “other” people. Frankly we all came from different places and it’s so interesting. I have a lot of great discussions with people of Dutch last names, French, Russian, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Apparently Asian Americans hate this so I avoid it with Asian Americans. I love to know people's culture so I still ask everybody else.

It is mostly because I love food, I helped a friend recreate her grandma's recipes over COVID. Had I not had that conversation I would not have know her background or that she missed her grandma's cooking.

You are basically making it that persons job to entertain you and provide you with an "exotic" cultural experience (and recipes?). Not my job to entertain or educate you. It's your job to entertain and educate yourself. Sign up for a cooking class or something.

In other words, a micro aggression.

NO! I'm Asian and like that people ask. They're genuinely interested. It's not racist at all. Stop assuming every single interaction has negative intent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Apparently Asian Americans hate this so I avoid it with Asian Americans. I love to know people's culture so I still ask everybody else.

It is mostly because I love food, I helped a friend recreate her grandma's recipes over COVID. Had I not had that conversation I would not have know her background or that she missed her grandma's cooking.

You are basically making it that persons job to entertain you and provide you with an "exotic" cultural experience (and recipes?). Not my job to entertain or educate you. It's your job to entertain and educate yourself. Sign up for a cooking class or something.

In other words, a micro aggression.

NO! I'm Asian and like that people ask. They're genuinely interested. It's not racist at all. Stop assuming every single interaction has negative intent.

Asian here and I love being asked and also love asking about unique non-anglo names too!
but way to stereotype pp

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Apparently Asian Americans hate this so I avoid it with Asian Americans. I love to know people's culture so I still ask everybody else.

It is mostly because I love food, I helped a friend recreate her grandma's recipes over COVID. Had I not had that conversation I would not have know her background or that she missed her grandma's cooking.

You are basically making it that persons job to entertain you and provide you with an "exotic" cultural experience (and recipes?). Not my job to entertain or educate you. It's your job to entertain and educate yourself. Sign up for a cooking class or something.

Sometimes people just want to connect with other people, and the best way to do that is to ask questions. Your defensiveness really shows a glaring lack of social skills.

+1. Why the hostility, PP? You don't have many friends, do you?

[Anonymous]

Read the room. Pay attention to social cues.

I get compliments all the time from my customers/patients/clients on my outstanding pronunciation/repetition of normally tricky or unusual names.

I am truly interested in names and spelling and genuinely love learning about cultures and people. I’ve never offended anyone and would be devastated if this were the case. I’m most often thanked or hugged or made a friend…

Again, I read the room and can easily figure out if this is an appropriate time and situation to ask or even comment on a name.

I love names!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Apparently Asian Americans hate this so I avoid it with Asian Americans. I love to know people's culture so I still ask everybody else.

It is mostly because I love food, I helped a friend recreate her grandma's recipes over COVID. Had I not had that conversation I would not have know her background or that she missed her grandma's cooking.

You are basically making it that persons job to entertain you and provide you with an "exotic" cultural experience (and recipes?). Not my job to entertain or educate you. It's your job to entertain and educate yourself. Sign up for a cooking class or something.

Sometimes people just want to connect with other people, and the best way to do that is to ask questions. Your defensiveness really shows a glaring lack of social skills.

+1. Why the hostility, PP? You don't have many friends, do you?

+2 I have a surname that people recognize as a certain ethnicity. I get asked about it all the time and I read it as people making conversation. I married into the name so it doesn't match my ethnicity/physical appearance so I never read it as being asked to entertain others with an "exotic" cultural experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone should just realize that is boring and annoying to the person with the name. It’s like asking a tall person how tall they are. They are tired of the question. It will come up if you need to interact regularly. Otherwise, just let it go. It’s like if someone has an accent. They don’t necessarily want to discuss where they are from with you. Manners/respect are about making other people feel comfortable. Badgering them about their name is not respectful.

Yeah sorry this is not universally true at all.

OP I'm sorry that being asked about your name and background brings up bad memories and family issues for you. This seems to be the point that everyone is missing. You're not offended about being othered, it's a personal thing in your case.

I am a South American immigrant with an unusual, long, hard-to-pronounce last name and I love being asked about it. I'm proud of sharing my background. I like that people learn this unique thing about me. If people acted like my last name is Smith and that I'm just like everyone else, I would feel like they are whitewashing my heritage and not seeing the real me.

Since that's not the case for you, you can either not engage in these conversations, try and teach yourself to frame them in a more positive light in your head, or change your name.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is an interesting conversation. Like OP, I am white with a very unusual last name that almost everyone cannot pronounce. I get asked often what kind of name that is, or where is it from. I can see that if instead I were asked where am I from, it would be troubling.

Yes I’m also white with an usual, hard to pronounce last name. I get those comments every time I have to give my name, am introduced, at doctor’s offices, businesses.... As long as someone is just asking you “where is that name from” it really is just curiosity and not an insult. I seriously get it weekly if not daily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you watch sports, American commentators butcher every name that isn't English. Hard to believe it from the country of immigrants. Then again, the names were changed and made easier for others to pronounce. Hardly ever the case with foreign born commentators.
Two Spanish commentators were reading an Finno-Ugric name yesterday with umlaut in it, and the got it right. It's not like in English they don't have have the sound. It's the "a" in cat.

Great vowel shift. See Hilo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Apparently Asian Americans hate this so I avoid it with Asian Americans. I love to know people's culture so I still ask everybody else.

It is mostly because I love food, I helped a friend recreate her grandma's recipes over COVID. Had I not had that conversation I would not have know her background or that she missed her grandma's cooking.

You are basically making it that persons job to entertain you and provide you with an "exotic" cultural experience (and recipes?). Not my job to entertain or educate you. It's your job to entertain and educate yourself. Sign up for a cooking class or something.

Sometimes people just want to connect with other people, and the best way to do that is to ask questions. Your defensiveness really shows a glaring lack of social skills.

+1

[Anonymous]

We’re told to celebrate diversity and then get offended when people take a genuine interest in what makes us diverse.

[Anonymous]

our schools near us have a big cohort of first generation immigrants, and I try really hard to learn how to pronounce names properly. I apologize up front if I butcher it (if I have to say it first) and ask them to please correct me. I want to be as respectful as possible. Most seem to appreciate that I make an effort.