Minimal amount of secret drinking

[Anonymous]

And keep in mind that him agreeing to you ramping down at work while secretly seething about his dislike of you is really horrible behavior. It may even be why he suddenly is not keeping his drinking as much of a secret. He thinks he now has more power because you are earning less. You should be pissed about this.

[Anonymous]

You know OP, I wish for your sake you were pregnant. This happening to you at this age will just destroy your chance at two kids. I'd be so angry about THAT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Thank you to everyone who has offered support and advice - I've read every post. Unfortunately, things are not great. Last night we talked about the drinking and it did not go well. He said that sometimes the secret drinking is because of me/because of our dynamic. I learned he has years of resentments toward me. It seems he has a long mental list of specific things I've done over the years. He detailed a few of the things. I said I would have liked to have known about some of this at the time so we could actually address it. He said our dynamic is such that I invalidate his feelings so he doesn't want to bring them up, which leads to more drinking. I have learned that when I attempt to explain my own perspective, he takes that as invalidation. His feelings are absolutely valid, but it's like he thinks I'm so aggressive if I respond at all. It's hard. I apologized.

He seemed so disgusted with me that I asked if he feels he honestly likes me. He said he is not sure. But also told me he loves me several times in the same conversation.

The night prior when he had that huge glass of wine in secret, we'd been having such a nice time that day and I asked about what the trigger was there. He said that time it was just a random urge to drink. So I guess it's part me and part alcohol dependence.

He seemed like such a happy person for years but I guess he was suppressing a lot of feelings that his therapist has helped him uncover. I think this is probably a good thing, but I've noticed he has a hard time accepting my apologies so I'm not sure what to do to manage all the grievances.

I am sad and scared. My heart hurts looking at our beautiful toddler, who deserves so much more than this. I'm a responsible person and have tried to do a good job of planning my life and I can't believe this is happening. We are still going to do the couples counseling but today, I feel sick.

OP, this is a classic alcoholic thing - blaming you for his drinking. It's much easier to do that than it is to own the problem, acknowledge and deal with his feelings, and generally take responsibility.

Please go to Al Anon and get a therapist for yourself. You aren’t the reason he drinks. He is responsible for his choice to drink.

[Anonymous]

Thanks to all the PPs for the replies. It is helpful.

-OP

[Anonymous]

OP, my husband is a recovering alcoholic.

Of everything you've said here, besides him drinking something he doesn't like to get his daily dose, it's his excessive experience of shame that sticks out at me--it's pathological and it's not necessarily the result of you doing or saying something to "shame" him. It's common in alcoholics.

Resentments, too. If he continued going to AA he would hear someone say that "expectations are premeditated resentments," particularly when the drinker doesn't do anything to communicate those expectations in real time.

You don't need a local Al-Anon hookup, necessarily--I went to meetings on the phone and a lot of them are now on Zoom. But you really will find community in Al-Anon, I would bet.

FWIW, my husband went to residential rehab and when he came back I didn't drink in the house for six months or a year (it's been a while, so I can't quite remember how long). That wasn't something he asked me to do; it was what I was comfortable with at the time. But I don't agree with the advice that you need to give up drinking yourself in order to pull him along--that's just not how it works when someone is actually serious about sobriety, which is what you have every right to hope for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my husband is a recovering alcoholic.

Of everything you've said here, besides him drinking something he doesn't like to get his daily dose, it's his excessive experience of shame that sticks out at me--it's pathological and it's not necessarily the result of you doing or saying something to "shame" him. It's common in alcoholics.

Resentments, too. If he continued going to AA he would hear someone say that "expectations are premeditated resentments," particularly when the drinker doesn't do anything to communicate those expectations in real time.

You don't need a local Al-Anon hookup, necessarily--I went to meetings on the phone and a lot of them are now on Zoom. But you really will find community in Al-Anon, I would bet.

FWIW, my husband went to residential rehab and when he came back I didn't drink in the house for six months or a year (it's been a while, so I can't quite remember how long). That wasn't something he asked me to do; it was what I was comfortable with at the time. But I don't agree with the advice that you need to give up drinking yourself in order to pull him along--that's just not how it works when someone is actually serious about sobriety, which is what you have every right to hope for.

Thanks so much for this perspective. Really good to hear from someone who's been there.

-OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, my husband is a recovering alcoholic.

Of everything you've said here, besides him drinking something he doesn't like to get his daily dose, it's his excessive experience of shame that sticks out at me--it's pathological and it's not necessarily the result of you doing or saying something to "shame" him. It's common in alcoholics.

Resentments, too. If he continued going to AA he would hear someone say that "expectations are premeditated resentments," particularly when the drinker doesn't do anything to communicate those expectations in real time.

You don't need a local Al-Anon hookup, necessarily--I went to meetings on the phone and a lot of them are now on Zoom. But you really will find community in Al-Anon, I would bet.

FWIW, my husband went to residential rehab and when he came back I didn't drink in the house for six months or a year (it's been a while, so I can't quite remember how long). That wasn't something he asked me to do; it was what I was comfortable with at the time. But I don't agree with the advice that you need to give up drinking yourself in order to pull him along--that's just not how it works when someone is actually serious about sobriety, which is what you have every right to hope for.

Thanks so much for this perspective. Really good to hear from someone who's been there.

-OP

Our kid was about 2.5 when everything went to hell. I was prepared to get divorced (and did get a postnup once things had calmed down a lot), but my husband got serious about getting sober and making amends for the damage he had done.

Cumulatively, it took up time that was the last window of possibility for having another child, but compared to the other things that were on the verge of going wrong (including my husband’s death—once he acknowledged that he had a drinking problem he really went off the beam with it) that feels like small potatos.

I will be thinking of you and hoping that things go well for you.

[Anonymous]

Agree with the posters who’ve said: He’s piling up grievances as his excuse to drink. You’re not perfect, he’s not perfect either but YOU’RE not drinking wine in the cellar and hiding it, right? He’s drinking because once he starts he can’t stop, it’s all he thinks about, and when he starts to go unto withdrawal (just tremors say) he feels impending doom staring him in the face and just knows a drink will get him through this moment.

None of this is because of you. It’s a disease that he didn’t ask for and doesn’t realize he has. Just, protect yourself and your beautiful toddler.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. His therapist actually encouraged him to share all these grievances with me. I don’t know if his therapist has a background in addiction. It seems like that would be important for the sessions to be helpful.

[Anonymous]

OP — I think you may be getting too much satisfaction from all the drama. His drinking is not about you. He drinks because he is an alcoholic. He can’t control it because he’s an alcoholic. He lies and sneaks because he’s an alcoholic. He blames everyone and everything else because he’s an alcoholic. Every thought, emotion and behavior of his is alcohol-effected.

There are very few non-specialists (I’d almost go so far as to say none) who are competent to deal with alcoholism. And even if he has a competent therapist, he hears what they say through an alcoholic filter.

Your husband has a potentially fatal, but treatable, disease. He needs the treatment. You need to stop being so codependent and start recognizing that despite being married you are a separate person and need to recognize the boundaries between the two of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP — I think you may be getting too much satisfaction from all the drama. His drinking is not about you. He drinks because he is an alcoholic. He can’t control it because he’s an alcoholic. He lies and sneaks because he’s an alcoholic. He blames everyone and everything else because he’s an alcoholic. Every thought, emotion and behavior of his is alcohol-effected.

There are very few non-specialists (I’d almost go so far as to say none) who are competent to deal with alcoholism. And even if he has a competent therapist, he hears what they say through an alcoholic filter.

Your husband has a potentially fatal, but treatable, disease. He needs the treatment. You need to stop being so codependent and start recognizing that despite being married you are a separate person and need to recognize the boundaries between the two of you.

I’m a recovering alcoholic, ans I haven’t yet chimed in, but OP these are really wise and correct words.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP — I think you may be getting too much satisfaction from all the drama. His drinking is not about you. He drinks because he is an alcoholic. He can’t control it because he’s an alcoholic. He lies and sneaks because he’s an alcoholic. He blames everyone and everything else because he’s an alcoholic. Every thought, emotion and behavior of his is alcohol-effected.

There are very few non-specialists (I’d almost go so far as to say none) who are competent to deal with alcoholism. And even if he has a competent therapist, he hears what they say through an alcoholic filter.

Your husband has a potentially fatal, but treatable, disease. He needs the treatment. You need to stop being so codependent and start recognizing that despite being married you are a separate person and need to recognize the boundaries between the two of you.

I’m a recovering alcoholic, ans I haven’t yet chimed in, but OP these are really wise and correct words.

Wife of the recovering alcoholic from above. I don't hear that the OP is getting "satisfaction from all the drama"--what I am hearing is that "all the drama," as is often true of alcoholics, is being presented as terminally unique, and she has no framework for understanding that it is not.

Al-Anon will provide that.

Totally agree on the rest.

[Anonymous]

Yes OP, go to al anon.

Your alcoholic husband is blaming you for his disease and it's dysfunctional thinking. I'm sure you have ways to improve communication in your marriage, but that is not why he is an alcoholic. It is just a lame excuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. His therapist actually encouraged him to share all these grievances with me. I don’t know if his therapist has a background in addiction. It seems like that would be important for the sessions to be helpful.

Has he told his therapist he is chugging wine that he hates because he needs a drink so desperately?? Probably not.

My dad went to therapy years ago and just weaponized his sessions against my mother. “My therapist says YOU are the problem, etc, etc.” it was a total train wreck, because my dad is a liar. And addicts are liars. You cannot believe anything this dude says.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. His therapist actually encouraged him to share all these grievances with me. I don’t know if his therapist has a background in addiction. It seems like that would be important for the sessions to be helpful.

Has he told his therapist he is chugging wine that he hates because he needs a drink so desperately?? Probably not.

My dad went to therapy years ago and just weaponized his sessions against my mother. “My therapist says YOU are the problem, etc, etc.” it was a total train wreck, because my dad is a liar. And addicts are liars. You cannot believe anything this dude says.

+ 1 million times this. He might be dabbling in therapy, but I guarantee he is not telling the therapist the true extent of his drinking problem. He's still lying to himself, ffs.