Minimal amount of secret drinking

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DO NOT HAVE ANOTHER KID WITH THIS GUY.

Then, you both need a good therapist. Find one them at specializes in substance abuse. Sure, it is possible that his drinking is no big deal.
But the strongest likelihood is that you are married to an alcoholic. The therapist can help sort that out.

You should assume you are 80% or more likely to get divorced and begin to live accordingly. Save money, build a support network and get legal advice. If you end up working things out, then great — but be ready for them not to work out.

Or, assume there is a 80% chance you stay together, and act accordingly.

Mindset matters

[Anonymous]

OP here. I know that 2 beers is not going to make a grown man impaired. My concerns are -

1. We agreed we were both comfortable with 1 drink per evening and he clearly struggles with the limitation

2. The 1 drink limit is for a reason. Beyond 1 drink, he is not his usual kind self. At 2 drinks, he starts to get caustic and it's damaging to our relationship. He's aware of this and really tries to moderate his consumption as a result but clearly there have been slip-ups.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1) His sobriety (or lack thereof) is his journey. You cannot police his sobriety.

2) There is clearly something wrong in your marriage. Maybe you would benefit from marriage counseling.

3) Do you want more kids? Even if it means raising them by yourself? I only have one because I didn't want to have another with my then-husband. Now I am 40, divorced, and wish I had more kids, even if it meant being a single parent of multiple kids.

Strike #2, this is not about tour marriage this is about him, individual counseling will help you sort this out in your head.

Could not disagree more.

This is not about substance abuse. He's shown he does not have a physical dependency.

This is about control and communication in the marriage. I'm sure he would MUCH rather have his 2nd beer out in the open and in peace. But he doesn't have the gonads to raise the issue with his wife. That's the problem right there

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldnt worry too much about this. If she needed him he had had, what, one beer and one glass of wine? Plenty of parents regularly drink more than that. It doesn't seem to me that his drinking is a real issue - but he has some kind of paranoia/phobia of discussing it with you, which may be.

awful advice

Why? I agree the communication is the issue, not the amount of alcohol.

if there is nothing wrong, whats the big deal in discussing the issue and/or hiding it?

alcoholism and alcohol abuse isnt simply over drinking, or having a few weekends of being wasted. i get how people who consume alcohol normally view it through the lens of normal consumption and its nothing close to that.

im not diagnosing the extent of the spouses abuse. the behaviors they are showing arent that of a normal drinker.

He could be a normal drinker with a wife who freaks out over 2 beers and he hides it because he wants to avoid the freak out. I agree there is no way to tell if it’s an alcohol problem or a different marriage problem from what is posted, and I also agree that OP and her DH may not be able to tell the difference. But don’t have another kid into this mess; figure it out first. Good luck.

Read the OP. They were both having 3-5 drinks a day. The H has to avoid hard liquor because he can't control himself. A middle aged father shouldn't be getting blackout drunk or sneaking down to the basement to have a pint glass of wine. FFS.

[Anonymous]

Inability to keep to a preplanned number of drinks is a hallmark of alcoholism. Secret drinking is a hallmark of alcoholism.

He needs to go back to AA and listen carefully.

But as others have said, it’s not your job to police his drinking or protect him from consequences.

[Anonymous]

OP again. A few posters suggested individual therapy too. He has a once per week video call with a therapist who he likes a lot. He has shared his alcohol struggles with the therapist. Therapist suggested he should be sure he has other ways to blow off steam and relax. He doesn't tell me all about his sessions but he did share that. He really enjoys video games so he told me he wanted to have some solo evenings to play games. Last night he was playing games and still reached for more alcohol. I'm not angry with him, more sad and nervous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I know that 2 beers is not going to make a grown man impaired. My concerns are -

1. We agreed we were both comfortable with 1 drink per evening and he clearly struggles with the limitation

2. The 1 drink limit is for a reason. Beyond 1 drink, he is not his usual kind self. At 2 drinks, he starts to get caustic and it's damaging to our relationship. He's aware of this and really tries to moderate his consumption as a result but clearly there have been slip-ups.

Tell us about his childhood and his relationship with his mom. Because being caustic after two beers is not normal, and suggests to me there’s something else going on right under the surface for him.

[Anonymous]

Do you all ever have nights where no one drinks?

I'd stop buying alcohol for the house. Tell him that you both need to stop for a bit while he figures this out.

If he can't do it, that's another big huge glaring red flag.

I like to drink, so does my DH. But we don't drink much during the week because it's so easy for 1 glass to turn into another. It's easier to just...skip it entirely. It's much better for our health and waist lines.

[Anonymous]

OP once again, adding that yes, we are going to do some couples counseling sessions as PPs have recommended. I don't know how much connection our relationship dynamic has to alcohol abuse but counseling is a good idea regardless. There is so much good between us, and our communication has improved a lot since the days when we were drinking excessively and having boozy arguments about stupid stuff.

We really value each other but our dynamic still needs work. He has described himself as a lifelong people-pleaser and I don't always know what he really wants and sometimes have to dig to find out. I don't think I'm controlling (certainly don't want to be) but it seems like he needs a lot of support to share his feelings. This makes him sound meek and he is not - he is a really fun, successful guy with a wonderful circle of friends. It's like he has this tumultuous inner life that alcohol is connected to in some way. I'm not entirely sure and am trying to feel my way through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1) His sobriety (or lack thereof) is his journey. You cannot police his sobriety.

2) There is clearly something wrong in your marriage. Maybe you would benefit from marriage counseling.

3) Do you want more kids? Even if it means raising them by yourself? I only have one because I didn't want to have another with my then-husband. Now I am 40, divorced, and wish I had more kids, even if it meant being a single parent of multiple kids.

Strike #2, this is not about tour marriage this is about him, individual counseling will help you sort this out in your head.

Agree with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you all ever have nights where no one drinks?

I'd stop buying alcohol for the house. Tell him that you both need to stop for a bit while he figures this out.

If he can't do it, that's another big huge glaring red flag.

I like to drink, so does my DH. But we don't drink much during the week because it's so easy for 1 glass to turn into another. It's easier to just...skip it entirely. It's much better for our health and waist lines.

OP here, yes, I should have mentioned that there are a couple times a week when he either has sparkling water or a non-alcoholic beer. This is something he's trying to do in the past few weeks after a night with hard liquor where he cursed at me. I have a glass of wine each evening with dinner.

I have been thinking today though about if we need to just have no alcohol in the house whatsoever. I don't know how he'd feel about this. He feels ashamed about the whole issue and I don't know what to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I know that 2 beers is not going to make a grown man impaired. My concerns are -

1. We agreed we were both comfortable with 1 drink per evening and he clearly struggles with the limitation

2. The 1 drink limit is for a reason. Beyond 1 drink, he is not his usual kind self. At 2 drinks, he starts to get caustic and it's damaging to our relationship. He's aware of this and really tries to moderate his consumption as a result but clearly there have been slip-ups.

Tell us about his childhood and his relationship with his mom. Because being caustic after two beers is not normal, and suggests to me there’s something else going on right under the surface for him.

OP here, his relationship with his mom seems good. She's kind and was an involved mom. We are midwestern families and not much for sharing feelings growing up, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you all ever have nights where no one drinks?

I'd stop buying alcohol for the house. Tell him that you both need to stop for a bit while he figures this out.

If he can't do it, that's another big huge glaring red flag.

I like to drink, so does my DH. But we don't drink much during the week because it's so easy for 1 glass to turn into another. It's easier to just...skip it entirely. It's much better for our health and waist lines.

OP here, yes, I should have mentioned that there are a couple times a week when he either has sparkling water or a non-alcoholic beer. This is something he's trying to do in the past few weeks after a night with hard liquor where he cursed at me. I have a glass of wine each evening with dinner.

I have been thinking today though about if we need to just have no alcohol in the house whatsoever. I don't know how he'd feel about this. He feels ashamed about the whole issue and I don't know what to do.

Honestly, this isn’t sounding good. This guy is a jerk when he drinks liquor. He is ashamed of his drinking and secretly drinks. He has trouble communicating his real needs which leads to more drinking. I hope that therapy is good for you — but you really need to realize that you may be married to an alcoholic and start to think about what you will do if he doesn’t get sober.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you all ever have nights where no one drinks?

I'd stop buying alcohol for the house. Tell him that you both need to stop for a bit while he figures this out.

If he can't do it, that's another big huge glaring red flag.

I like to drink, so does my DH. But we don't drink much during the week because it's so easy for 1 glass to turn into another. It's easier to just...skip it entirely. It's much better for our health and waist lines.

OP here, yes, I should have mentioned that there are a couple times a week when he either has sparkling water or a non-alcoholic beer. This is something he's trying to do in the past few weeks after a night with hard liquor where he cursed at me. I have a glass of wine each evening with dinner.

I have been thinking today though about if we need to just have no alcohol in the house whatsoever. I don't know how he'd feel about this. He feels ashamed about the whole issue and I don't know what to do.

Honestly, this isn’t sounding good. This guy is a jerk when he drinks liquor. He is ashamed of his drinking and secretly drinks. He has trouble communicating his real needs which leads to more drinking. I hope that therapy is good for you — but you really need to realize that you may be married to an alcoholic and start to think about what you will do if he doesn’t get sober.

+1 this sounds worse and worse. Sorry OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you all ever have nights where no one drinks?

I'd stop buying alcohol for the house. Tell him that you both need to stop for a bit while he figures this out.

If he can't do it, that's another big huge glaring red flag.

I like to drink, so does my DH. But we don't drink much during the week because it's so easy for 1 glass to turn into another. It's easier to just...skip it entirely. It's much better for our health and waist lines.

OP here, yes, I should have mentioned that there are a couple times a week when he either has sparkling water or a non-alcoholic beer. This is something he's trying to do in the past few weeks after a night with hard liquor where he cursed at me. I have a glass of wine each evening with dinner.

I have been thinking today though about if we need to just have no alcohol in the house whatsoever. I don't know how he'd feel about this. He feels ashamed about the whole issue and I don't know what to do.

Honestly, this isn’t sounding good. This guy is a jerk when he drinks liquor. He is ashamed of his drinking and secretly drinks. He has trouble communicating his real needs which leads to more drinking. I hope that therapy is good for you — but you really need to realize that you may be married to an alcoholic and start to think about what you will do if he doesn’t get sober.

OP here. You summed it up pretty well, unfortunately. I love him and hope for the best and am going to try counseling. But I do have a queasy feeling about "what if this can't be fixed"? At the same time, I am nervous about the chance for a second child possibly slipping away. Our daughter is the light of my life.