Minimal amount of secret drinking

[Anonymous]

Up until a couple years ago, both DH and I drank too much. We'd come home from work and each have a cocktail, then each have maybe 2 more over the course of the evening. If it was the weekend, we'd have a couple at brunch too. We weren't falling down drunk but were overdoing it and it was not healthy.

Then I got pregnant with our now toddler, which forced me to pull it together. It was easier for me, and I had a very good reason to abstain. DH had some bad nights overdoing it and ended up going to a few AA meetings, but decided he was comfortable cutting way back instead of being sober. After she was born, we agreed to limit ourselves to one alcoholic beverage in the evening. With dinner, I will have one glass of wine and DH will have an IPA. We try to avoid hard liquor, as DH has struggled to moderate his consumption of it when he has access. Since we've had our "1 glass" agreement, there have been a couple times when he's snuck a shot of something, and it's always obvious to me and he feels awful about it. He feels a lot of shame about abusing alcohol.

Late last night I noticed a 12 oz water glass on a shelf in the basement. It smelled like wine. Asked DH about it and he fell apart - he doesn't even enjoy wine but he was out of beers and it was the only thing in the fridge. I was taking a bath at the time, he was playing a video game, and he'd already had his one beer with dinner but felt the urge for something more. It makes me so sad that he felt the need to reach for something he doesn't like the taste of, and fill up a glass that's so much bigger than our actual wine glasses.

I asked if there have been other secret times recently. He said that on the few occasions when I've met a friend for dinner after putting our daughter to bed, he's had 2 beers while I've been out. I know this doesn't sound too excessive (and I hope it was not more than 2) but I feel a sense of real unease and dread about the secrecy and lack of control. And this is while our toddler is sleeping. What if she needed him?

We've talked about having another child soon (and I just turned 39 so we don't have oodles of time) and I would really love to, but after last night, I'm anxious about doubling down on kids with someone who is struggling with alcohol (but who is a wonderful, kind, and hardworking person and a great dad).

It's a hard situation. Wondering if anyone has a similar experience or thoughts for me. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

1) His sobriety (or lack thereof) is his journey. You cannot police his sobriety.

2) There is clearly something wrong in your marriage. Maybe you would benefit from marriage counseling.

3) Do you want more kids? Even if it means raising them by yourself? I only have one because I didn't want to have another with my then-husband. Now I am 40, divorced, and wish I had more kids, even if it meant being a single parent of multiple kids.

[Anonymous]

I wouldnt worry too much about this. If she needed him he had had, what, one beer and one glass of wine? Plenty of parents regularly drink more than that. It doesn't seem to me that his drinking is a real issue - but he has some kind of paranoia/phobia of discussing it with you, which may be.

[Anonymous]

I would advise therapy for him and for you too if you feel you need support, or at least try Al-Anon for you.

It is about the alcohol but the feelings are older and deeper than that and the alcohol is really a symptom of that.

Do it now when you have 1 small kid. Inner issue will keep presenting itself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1) His sobriety (or lack thereof) is his journey. You cannot police his sobriety.

2) There is clearly something wrong in your marriage. Maybe you would benefit from marriage counseling.

3) Do you want more kids? Even if it means raising them by yourself? I only have one because I didn't want to have another with my then-husband. Now I am 40, divorced, and wish I had more kids, even if it meant being a single parent of multiple kids.

OP here - thanks for this perspective -

1) I agree, and I don't want to police his drinking. But in the situation I described finding a water (wine) cup - it's not like I'm going to pretend I didn't see it. We need to be able to communicate openly.
2) We have not done counseling yet but recently agreed we should and we're going to set up an appointment hopefully within the next couple weeks. We need to work on our communication. Do you think struggling with alcohol definitely means there's something wrong in someone's marriage?
3) In my heart, yes, I suppose I would want more kids even if I end up alone. I certainly hope that we can work things out though and stay married. I love him very much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldnt worry too much about this. If she needed him he had had, what, one beer and one glass of wine? Plenty of parents regularly drink more than that. It doesn't seem to me that his drinking is a real issue - but he has some kind of paranoia/phobia of discussing it with you, which may be.

awful advice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would advise therapy for him and for you too if you feel you need support, or at least try Al-Anon for you.

It is about the alcohol but the feelings are older and deeper than that and the alcohol is really a symptom of that.

Do it now when you have 1 small kid. Inner issue will keep presenting itself.

Fwiw I am sharing as mom of 4 year old with 5 years sober and my dh is sober too. I am NOT saying your experience is like ours or anything like that, but sharing just because I have been through and also had to encounter a lot of work in and around alcohol dependency. Whether it be occasions where thugs completely went insane, or just the constant urge to take a huge swig of wine when no one is looking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldnt worry too much about this. If she needed him he had had, what, one beer and one glass of wine? Plenty of parents regularly drink more than that. It doesn't seem to me that his drinking is a real issue - but he has some kind of paranoia/phobia of discussing it with you, which may be.

awful advice

Why? I agree the communication is the issue, not the amount of alcohol.

[Anonymous]

I think you are being too controlling, and he is not standing up for himself. Neither of these are good dynamics.

Two beers over the course of an evening, if he's eaten dinner, is not going to impact his ability to care for his child unless he is extraordinarily sensitive to alcohol.

So I'd recommend therapy - you for your irrational fears and him for his inability to assert himself within your relationship dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1) His sobriety (or lack thereof) is his journey. You cannot police his sobriety.

2) There is clearly something wrong in your marriage. Maybe you would benefit from marriage counseling.

3) Do you want more kids? Even if it means raising them by yourself? I only have one because I didn't want to have another with my then-husband. Now I am 40, divorced, and wish I had more kids, even if it meant being a single parent of multiple kids.

OP here - thanks for this perspective -

1) I agree, and I don't want to police his drinking. But in the situation I described finding a water (wine) cup - it's not like I'm going to pretend I didn't see it. We need to be able to communicate openly.
2) We have not done counseling yet but recently agreed we should and we're going to set up an appointment hopefully within the next couple weeks. We need to work on our communication. Do you think struggling with alcohol definitely means there's something wrong in someone's marriage?
3) In my heart, yes, I suppose I would want more kids even if I end up alone. I certainly hope that we can work things out though and stay married. I love him very much.

If he is hiding his drinking from you, its a problem. One doesnt typically hide their drinking if its not a big deal. I wont make a leap here and say he's a full blown alcoholic or anything. I will say that he's heading down the road of abusing it and it will only get worse.

Counseling wont help if he is constantly under the influence. You dont have to be visibly drunk to be under the influence so dont assume Im talking about him being wasted.

I would have a serious talk with him. It will be up to him to recognize an issue and do something about it. Unfortunately, I cant tell you what and how to say anything to him. I definitely would not ignore, or think this is just a small issue. The behavior hes showing you are not signs of the drinking you all did before kids. Its elevated to dependency and abuse (albeit small for now) and its important you see it that way.

[Anonymous]

There is this whole spectrum where this issue could exist, anywhere from "alcohol problem/deceit" to "micromanaging/overreacting/his is afraid of you." There is really no way for us to tell where this exists on the spectrum, and truthfully, it may be difficult for you both to tell also because there has been a lot of emotion over time.

Therapy seems like a good idea to 1.) find out what the issue(s) really is for both of you individually re: alcohol and/or otherwise, and 2.) to decide what to do about it, either actively or supportively or together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1) His sobriety (or lack thereof) is his journey. You cannot police his sobriety.

2) There is clearly something wrong in your marriage. Maybe you would benefit from marriage counseling.

3) Do you want more kids? Even if it means raising them by yourself? I only have one because I didn't want to have another with my then-husband. Now I am 40, divorced, and wish I had more kids, even if it meant being a single parent of multiple kids.

OP here - thanks for this perspective -

1) I agree, and I don't want to police his drinking. But in the situation I described finding a water (wine) cup - it's not like I'm going to pretend I didn't see it. We need to be able to communicate openly.
2) We have not done counseling yet but recently agreed we should and we're going to set up an appointment hopefully within the next couple weeks. We need to work on our communication. Do you think struggling with alcohol definitely means there's something wrong in someone's marriage?
3) In my heart, yes, I suppose I would want more kids even if I end up alone. I certainly hope that we can work things out though and stay married. I love him very much.

PP here.

Something is wrong in your marriage because he is hiding things from you/confessing his sins. It might be alcohol. It might be control issues. It might be something else. I am not in a position to assess based on what you have written. That's why you go to counseling--to get things on the table, figure out the problem, and figure out a path forward with someone who is in a position to help navigate.

[Anonymous]

I was married to an alcoholic. What you found, in my experience, is only the tip of the iceberg. If you can, get into AL Anon or AA.

[Anonymous]

He struggles to moderate his consumption, sneaks extra alcohol and lies to you about it. He has a problem with alcohol for sure. You should be in counseling separately if not together because of the erosion of trust and you not wanting to police him but feeling betrayed.

I am sorry you have to deal with this; alcohol is so insidious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldnt worry too much about this. If she needed him he had had, what, one beer and one glass of wine? Plenty of parents regularly drink more than that. It doesn't seem to me that his drinking is a real issue - but he has some kind of paranoia/phobia of discussing it with you, which may be.

awful advice

Why? I agree the communication is the issue, not the amount of alcohol.

if there is nothing wrong, whats the big deal in discussing the issue and/or hiding it?

alcoholism and alcohol abuse isnt simply over drinking, or having a few weekends of being wasted. i get how people who consume alcohol normally view it through the lens of normal consumption and its nothing close to that.

im not diagnosing the extent of the spouses abuse. the behaviors they are showing arent that of a normal drinker.