Minimal amount of secret drinking

[Anonymous]

Honestly anyone who tries to manage their drinking by saying one drink, only beer and wine, none until 5pm, etc etc needs to quit. Don’t participate in that nonsense. BTDT.

[Anonymous]

Oof. This is a tough situation.

As others have pointed out, this is your DH’s journey to make…you really can’t force someone to see the light. I feel like I’ve been where he is, and it took me a long time to realize that moderation is like exponentially more difficult than sobriety. The mental energy you have to give to drinking while still trying to follow the “rules” is overwhelming, and I think that’s what your DH is experiencing now.

I guess I would just gently suggest giving actual sobriety a go, acknowledging that you can’t force him to do anything…but that the current situation cannot continue. And just let him reflect on that and come to it on his own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldnt worry too much about this. If she needed him he had had, what, one beer and one glass of wine? Plenty of parents regularly drink more than that. It doesn't seem to me that his drinking is a real issue - but he has some kind of paranoia/phobia of discussing it with you, which may be.

awful advice

Why? I agree the communication is the issue, not the amount of alcohol.

My God, really? Just NO.

It's that he is SNEAKING it and doing so after he has agreed with his spouse that one a night is the limit - and he can't adhere to the limit that he agreed to. And the fact that he's hugely ashamed and remorseful. This is textbook for problem drinking/alcohol abuse disorder/whatever label you want to put on it.

OP, as someone who is pushing 50 and who is currently battling a longstanding drinking problem (some days more successfully than others) your husband has a problem. And the problem is not really the amount of alcohol he is consuming, which is really not all that much. You summed up the problem almost exactly when you described him pouring a huge glass of wine because he wanted to drink more - and he doesn't even like wine!

I agree that you should go to counseling with him, not because I think something is seriously wrong with your marriage (that was a huge jerk comment BTW) but because he seems to really want to make a change and you seem to be loving and supportive.

I sure wish I had listened to the Dr. that had raised the issue of my drinking when I told her that I drank 3-4 drinks a week, 3-4 times a week (and even that was a lie). I was in a heavy drinking expat culture and we didn't take the issue of alcohol abuse seriously at all. I never thought it would catch up to me but it did. If your husband has a chance to kick this now I'd support him as much as I could.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I know that 2 beers is not going to make a grown man impaired. My concerns are -

1. We agreed we were both comfortable with 1 drink per evening and he clearly struggles with the limitation

2. The 1 drink limit is for a reason. Beyond 1 drink, he is not his usual kind self. At 2 drinks, he starts to get caustic and it's damaging to our relationship. He's aware of this and really tries to moderate his consumption as a result but clearly there have been slip-ups.

Tell us about his childhood and his relationship with his mom. Because being caustic after two beers is not normal, and suggests to me there’s something else going on right under the surface for him.

OP here, his relationship with his mom seems good. She's kind and was an involved mom. We are midwestern families and not much for sharing feelings growing up, though.

OP, please ignore the woo conspiracy theorist poster. Alcohol abuse/use disorder is extremely common and can happen to people who had great childhoods and those who had trauma. Alcohol is an addictive substance and many, many people have issues.

[Anonymous]

Maybe I’m being too naive but I think the husbands “confession” is actually a good sign. He’s not denying it or lying or gaslighting you. He’s embarrassed. If he wants to do better, that’s something you can build on.

I’d revisit the nightly drink though. While it was a good limit to start with, it probably engrained the habit of having a drink EVERY day. That’s hard to turn off.

[Anonymous]

If your husband is “self-admitting” to a few extra drinks here + there, he likely is minimizing the actual amount.

He likely has been drinking much more while alone.
It appears that he has a serious addiction since his extra drinking has not only affected the communication dynamic within your marriage but also has led him to be dishonest w/his drinking.

[Anonymous]

(Continued ^)
I would strongly advise you both to seek marriage counseling for this issue before it worsens.

Also your husband will need to get individual treatment for his alcohol addiction as well.

I would hold out on a second child w/him until you both deal w/this current drinking issue.

Wishing you both the best here. 🤞🏼

[Anonymous]

Sorry you are dealing with this, OP. I grew up with a father who abused hard drugs and then switched to alcohol a bit later in life. It ended up killing him. I was becoming a problem drinker myself until I reigned it in.

It sounds to me that it is likely that your DH has a problem. I can almost gurantee that he has had more drinks in secret than you know about. I would tell him you are concerned and would ask him how he feels about his drinking. Obviously he may lie, but based on how he responded when you asked him about the wine, it sounds like he may be upfront with you. For starters, I would absolutely recommend that you both cut out all alcohol for 30 days and let hime know you are planning to go to al-anon meetings. There is a medicine you can take that drastically reduces the urge to drink. Maybe he would start with that.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I'm shocked at the responses here, to be honest. He had one beer and one glass of wine and people are telling you he has no hope as a father and needs to go to AA, etc. Really? What am I missing? Go to our neighborhood pool any evening and people are drinking that much, and more. I'm honestly confused.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. Thank you to everyone who has offered support and advice - I've read every post. Unfortunately, things are not great. Last night we talked about the drinking and it did not go well. He said that sometimes the secret drinking is because of me/because of our dynamic. I learned he has years of resentments toward me. It seems he has a long mental list of specific things I've done over the years. He detailed a few of the things. I said I would have liked to have known about some of this at the time so we could actually address it. He said our dynamic is such that I invalidate his feelings so he doesn't want to bring them up, which leads to more drinking. I have learned that when I attempt to explain my own perspective, he takes that as invalidation. His feelings are absolutely valid, but it's like he thinks I'm so aggressive if I respond at all. It's hard. I apologized.

He seemed so disgusted with me that I asked if he feels he honestly likes me. He said he is not sure. But also told me he loves me several times in the same conversation.

The night prior when he had that huge glass of wine in secret, we'd been having such a nice time that day and I asked about what the trigger was there. He said that time it was just a random urge to drink. So I guess it's part me and part alcohol dependence.

He seemed like such a happy person for years but I guess he was suppressing a lot of feelings that his therapist has helped him uncover. I think this is probably a good thing, but I've noticed he has a hard time accepting my apologies so I'm not sure what to do to manage all the grievances.

I am sad and scared. My heart hurts looking at our beautiful toddler, who deserves so much more than this. I'm a responsible person and have tried to do a good job of planning my life and I can't believe this is happening. We are still going to do the couples counseling but today, I feel sick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Thank you to everyone who has offered support and advice - I've read every post. Unfortunately, things are not great. Last night we talked about the drinking and it did not go well. He said that sometimes the secret drinking is because of me/because of our dynamic. I learned he has years of resentments toward me. It seems he has a long mental list of specific things I've done over the years. He detailed a few of the things. I said I would have liked to have known about some of this at the time so we could actually address it. He said our dynamic is such that I invalidate his feelings so he doesn't want to bring them up, which leads to more drinking. I have learned that when I attempt to explain my own perspective, he takes that as invalidation. His feelings are absolutely valid, but it's like he thinks I'm so aggressive if I respond at all. It's hard. I apologized.

He seemed so disgusted with me that I asked if he feels he honestly likes me. He said he is not sure. But also told me he loves me several times in the same conversation.

The night prior when he had that huge glass of wine in secret, we'd been having such a nice time that day and I asked about what the trigger was there. He said that time it was just a random urge to drink. So I guess it's part me and part alcohol dependence.

He seemed like such a happy person for years but I guess he was suppressing a lot of feelings that his therapist has helped him uncover. I think this is probably a good thing, but I've noticed he has a hard time accepting my apologies so I'm not sure what to do to manage all the grievances.

I am sad and scared. My heart hurts looking at our beautiful toddler, who deserves so much more than this. I'm a responsible person and have tried to do a good job of planning my life and I can't believe this is happening. We are still going to do the couples counseling but today, I feel sick.

Dude, this is an alcoholic blaming you for his drinking. He stuffs down his feelings, drinks to cope and then says it is your fault. Please go to Al Anon and get a therapist. You may have things to work on, but you aren’t the reason he drinks. He could have made a million other choices in how to cope with your allegedly bad behavior.

And I will say it again, assume you have an 80% chance of divorcing and protect yourself accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Please please please get yourself to Al Anon. You didn’t cause his drinking, you can’t control it and you can’t cure it. Don’t buy his blather.

[Anonymous]

Oh, and he’s secretly pissed you discovered one of his secrets, so expect that he’ll be announcing more “grievances” and blaming you for all his problems.

Been through this, got the t-shirt and the divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Thank you to everyone who has offered support and advice - I've read every post. Unfortunately, things are not great. Last night we talked about the drinking and it did not go well. He said that sometimes the secret drinking is because of me/because of our dynamic. I learned he has years of resentments toward me. It seems he has a long mental list of specific things I've done over the years. He detailed a few of the things. I said I would have liked to have known about some of this at the time so we could actually address it. He said our dynamic is such that I invalidate his feelings so he doesn't want to bring them up, which leads to more drinking. I have learned that when I attempt to explain my own perspective, he takes that as invalidation. His feelings are absolutely valid, but it's like he thinks I'm so aggressive if I respond at all. It's hard. I apologized.

He seemed so disgusted with me that I asked if he feels he honestly likes me. He said he is not sure. But also told me he loves me several times in the same conversation.

The night prior when he had that huge glass of wine in secret, we'd been having such a nice time that day and I asked about what the trigger was there. He said that time it was just a random urge to drink. So I guess it's part me and part alcohol dependence.

He seemed like such a happy person for years but I guess he was suppressing a lot of feelings that his therapist has helped him uncover. I think this is probably a good thing, but I've noticed he has a hard time accepting my apologies so I'm not sure what to do to manage all the grievances.

I am sad and scared. My heart hurts looking at our beautiful toddler, who deserves so much more than this. I'm a responsible person and have tried to do a good job of planning my life and I can't believe this is happening. We are still going to do the couples counseling but today, I feel sick.

Dude, this is an alcoholic blaming you for his drinking. He stuffs down his feelings, drinks to cope and then says it is your fault. Please go to Al Anon and get a therapist. You may have things to work on, but you aren’t the reason he drinks. He could have made a million other choices in how to cope with your allegedly bad behavior.

And I will say it again, assume you have an 80% chance of divorcing and protect yourself accordingly.

OP again. Some of the grievances were really odd, but some were times when I was genuinely being unkind. I apologized but I don't know if it's going to matter. It seems like his work with his therapist has made him quite angry with me.

In terms of preparing myself - I'm not in the best position. I switched to very part time hours a few months ago to stay with our daughter (I thought things were going well and I love being home with her). I'm a consultant and transferred most of my projects to my colleagues. Toddler and I switched to DH's health insurance. I think I could ramp back up at work, I'm just sad about it all.

Do you all think we have any chance of making things work? I really do love him and I don't want to break up our family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Thank you to everyone who has offered support and advice - I've read every post. Unfortunately, things are not great. Last night we talked about the drinking and it did not go well. He said that sometimes the secret drinking is because of me/because of our dynamic. I learned he has years of resentments toward me. It seems he has a long mental list of specific things I've done over the years. He detailed a few of the things. I said I would have liked to have known about some of this at the time so we could actually address it. He said our dynamic is such that I invalidate his feelings so he doesn't want to bring them up, which leads to more drinking. I have learned that when I attempt to explain my own perspective, he takes that as invalidation. His feelings are absolutely valid, but it's like he thinks I'm so aggressive if I respond at all. It's hard. I apologized.

He seemed so disgusted with me that I asked if he feels he honestly likes me. He said he is not sure. But also told me he loves me several times in the same conversation.

The night prior when he had that huge glass of wine in secret, we'd been having such a nice time that day and I asked about what the trigger was there. He said that time it was just a random urge to drink. So I guess it's part me and part alcohol dependence.

He seemed like such a happy person for years but I guess he was suppressing a lot of feelings that his therapist has helped him uncover. I think this is probably a good thing, but I've noticed he has a hard time accepting my apologies so I'm not sure what to do to manage all the grievances.

I am sad and scared. My heart hurts looking at our beautiful toddler, who deserves so much more than this. I'm a responsible person and have tried to do a good job of planning my life and I can't believe this is happening. We are still going to do the couples counseling but today, I feel sick.

Dude, this is an alcoholic blaming you for his drinking. He stuffs down his feelings, drinks to cope and then says it is your fault. Please go to Al Anon and get a therapist. You may have things to work on, but you aren’t the reason he drinks. He could have made a million other choices in how to cope with your allegedly bad behavior.

And I will say it again, assume you have an 80% chance of divorcing and protect yourself accordingly.

OP again. Some of the grievances were really odd, but some were times when I was genuinely being unkind. I apologized but I don't know if it's going to matter. It seems like his work with his therapist has made him quite angry with me.

In terms of preparing myself - I'm not in the best position. I switched to very part time hours a few months ago to stay with our daughter (I thought things were going well and I love being home with her). I'm a consultant and transferred most of my projects to my colleagues. Toddler and I switched to DH's health insurance. I think I could ramp back up at work, I'm just sad about it all.

Do you all think we have any chance of making things work? I really do love him and I don't want to break up our family.

Sure, you have a chance. But ramp back up at work ASAP so you can make your decisions from a position of power and be in the best place for your kid.

And listen, I am sometime unkind and jerky to my husband, it doesn’t make him go drink. Get to Al Anon. And don’t own his drinking in any way shape or form.