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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This is OP. Thank you to everyone who has offered support and advice - I've read every post. Unfortunately, things are not great. Last night we talked about the drinking and it did not go well. [b]He said that sometimes the secret drinking is [u]because of me[/u]/because of our dynamic[/b]. I learned he has years of resentments toward me. [b]It seems he has a long mental list of specific things I've done over the years.[/b] He detailed a few of the things. I said I would have liked to have known about some of this at the time so we could actually address it. He said our dynamic is such that I invalidate his feelings so he doesn't want to bring them up, which leads to more drinking. I have learned that when I attempt to explain my own perspective, he takes that as invalidation. His feelings are absolutely valid, but it's like he thinks I'm so aggressive if I respond at all. It's hard. I apologized.

He seemed so disgusted with me that I asked if he feels he honestly likes me. He said he is not sure. But also told me he loves me several times in the same conversation.

The night prior when he had that huge glass of wine in secret, we'd been having such a nice time that day and I asked about what the trigger was there. He said that time it was just a random urge to drink. [b]So I guess it's part me and part alcohol dependence[/b].

He seemed like such a happy person for years but I guess he was suppressing a lot of feelings that his therapist has helped him uncover. I think this is probably a good thing, but I've noticed [b]he has a hard time accepting my apologies so I'm not sure what to do to manage all the grievances[/b].

I am sad and scared. My heart hurts looking at our beautiful toddler, who deserves so much more than this. I'm a responsible person and have tried to do a good job of planning my life and I can't believe this is happening. We are still going to do the couples counseling but today, I feel sick.[/quote]

OP, this is a classic alcoholic thing - blaming you for his drinking. It's much easier to do that than it is to own the problem, acknowledge and deal with his feelings, and generally take responsibility.

Please go to Al Anon and get a therapist for yourself. You aren’t the reason he drinks. He is responsible for his choice to drink.[/quote]

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