Minimal amount of secret drinking

[Anonymous]

Without reading all this crap just by the subject I will tell you there is no good or acceptable amount of secret drinking. Your DH is an alcoholic and you are enabling him.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am so incredibly sorry you are experiencing this.

First, I have been married to a during-the-night-drinking alcoholic DH for 21 years. He has never been able to quit. On the good side it hasn't really affected his relationship with our 2 DDs that much because for the most part it is hidden from them. They are late teens and they have known he has a problem for awhile, but it's been more in the background than upfront all these years. They experience it every once in awhile in slurring and giddiness when they're up late and he comes out of his room to chat.

On the bad side, it has definitely affected our marriage. I lost my romantic feeling for him years ago, not completely because of the drinking but his unwillingness or inability to address it was a big part, and we have been basically amicable roommates for the most recent 10. I have often thought of divorce, as I am sure he has as well, but what kept me in the marriage is the thought of him having the kids 1/2 the time and them seeing him completely wasted all the time. Because I knew without a doubt that without regulation from his family in his household, he would drink from the time he walked in the door after work to the time he passed out. Every night. I couldn't have our DDs be responsible for dealing with that when they were at his place. We have decided to divorce when both kids are out of high school in 2 years, and I still worry what will happen. For now he is agreeing to living with his parents at first and seeing how it goes. He wants to spend time with them since they're in their 80s, so hopefully that will stay the plan. But there still is the possibility he will be on his own, constantly wasted, and our DDs will see it when they visit.

Second, it sounds like DH is either not working with a good therapist who knows how to manage this situation, or DH is taking what he discusses during therapy and letting it amplify in his head out of control. There are a multitude of couples out there who say things to their spouse over the years they shouldn't, in a way they shouldn't, and wish they could do differently. Heat of the moment. It's very common when you live with someone for years. And they all have ways to cope with the anger and stress and hurt. But most of them are not alcoholics as a result. He is using excuses that are common dynamics in a marriage to blame you when the responsibility for his drinking is on himself. He has got to acknowledge that he is using alcoholic as a coping mechanism rather than healthier methods, and it's on him to address that, not blame you. Any decent therapist would say that. So his therapist certainly needs to manage this better. Maybe a session to fill her/him in on what is happening coming out of the sessions?

Third, you are not long at all out of the workforce. I was out for almost 20 years and was able to go back to work fulltime. Not nearly at the level I was but was still able to make a fairly decent salary again. Having been out for just a few months is peanuts in comparison. You can start ramping back up, taking on a project or 2 more at a time while you spend time with your DD, and be ready to jump to fulltime again if you need to. Of course it's not a given that you'll divorce, but you want to shore up things on your end in case you do.

Fourth, having a second child. That's a big question mark in this, since adding a second child to this mix is only going to add more stress to your household right now. I would definitely hold off for a little while and see how this plays out. But know that just because you may not have a second child for a little while, or a second child with him if things go south, it doesn't mean you won't have a second child. It may just happen differently. A new husband, artificial insemination or adoption as a single mom...there are other ways if you divorce.

I hear your love for him and your sorrow at his anger and blame toward you, and I truly hope things work out. But know that you ultimately can't co-depend your life and your DD's well-being on your DH if he won't himself. Hopefully he will decide to.