Minimal amount of secret drinking

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldnt worry too much about this. If she needed him he had had, what, one beer and one glass of wine? Plenty of parents regularly drink more than that. It doesn't seem to me that his drinking is a real issue - but he has some kind of paranoia/phobia of discussing it with you, which may be.

awful advice

Why? I agree the communication is the issue, not the amount of alcohol.

if there is nothing wrong, whats the big deal in discussing the issue and/or hiding it?

alcoholism and alcohol abuse isnt simply over drinking, or having a few weekends of being wasted. i get how people who consume alcohol normally view it through the lens of normal consumption and its nothing close to that.

im not diagnosing the extent of the spouses abuse. the behaviors they are showing arent that of a normal drinker.

But they might be the patterns of a normal drinker with an excessively controlling spouse. We don't know.

[Anonymous]

An alcoholic can't have just one drink. They can't control the number of drinks. Step 1 is to accept this.

[Anonymous]

Haven't dealt with a spouse's drinking but I grew up in an alcoholic family and have seen it take its toll on my parents, my brother, and my kid (who is fortunately in recovery now). I'm so sorry you're going through this, OP. I think attending Al-Anon and/or working with a therapist who is knowledgeable about addiction in families would be a good idea. I can't advise you what you should do about your husband (who as you have noted you can't change anyway) except to say that you should get the support you need for whatever decision you make about this situation. If your husband continues down this road, you will have a lot on your plate. Also, if he is addicted to alcohol, there's a possibility that he has passed on a genetic predisposition to your child. You need to know about how this disease works in families so you can take care of your child. Best of luck to you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is this whole spectrum where this issue could exist, anywhere from "alcohol problem/deceit" to "micromanaging/overreacting/his is afraid of you." There is really no way for us to tell where this exists on the spectrum, and truthfully, it may be difficult for you both to tell also because there has been a lot of emotion over time.

Therapy seems like a good idea to 1.) find out what the issue(s) really is for both of you individually re: alcohol and/or otherwise, and 2.) to decide what to do about it, either actively or supportively or together.

I think this is the best advice you have gotten OP. Lots of people have a lot of mental hang-ups with alcohol on this board and unfortunately everyone will see their side in this story so you will get many 'god get off his back it was two beers' and you'll get many 'this was how my husband's slide towards dying in front of my of liver cirrhosis after he punched me in the face started"

This is probably a combo of issues, his being resentful of you making a decision about alcohol for both of you, forbidden fruit, his having some substance abuse issues, you having some control issues. Go to therapy and work through it, if you communicate and are honest and committed then you'll come out stronger for it. I don't think you necessarily have some huge marriage ending problem, but there have been marriage destroying seeds planted in your garden. Dig them out, don't let them grow or get any roots.

[Anonymous]

Previous poster here. I just noted the title of the thread - "Minimal amount of secret drinking." I'm sorry to raise this, OP, but how do you know that there is only a "minimal amount" of secret drinking going on if it's secret to begin with?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:An alcoholic can't have just one drink. They can't control the number of drinks. Step 1 is to accept this.

+1

And even if you don't believe this, it seems clear that OP's DH is not capable of having just one drink.

OP, are these drink limitations that you and DH self-imposed a daily thing? Or just weekends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:An alcoholic can't have just one drink. They can't control the number of drinks. Step 1 is to accept this.

+1

And even if you don't believe this, it seems clear that OP's DH is not capable of having just one drink.

OP, are these drink limitations that you and DH self-imposed a daily thing? Or just weekends?

OP here, we discussed it together and agreed to the one drink limit as a daily thing. I’ve been reading all the comments and will reply to more soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was married to an alcoholic. What you found, in my experience, is only the tip of the iceberg. If you can, get into AL Anon or AA.

+1000

I don't have the personal experience, but it's clear that "tip of the iceberg" is the relevant phrase here. There are lots of "is this problem drinking?" posts on this board, and I've often come down on the "probably not" or "maybe but it's hard to say" but in this case: This is a Big Problem. Red flags all over the place.

[Anonymous]

I would be surprised he’s only drinking a little secretly. But it sounds like he has a problem. It helped my spouse to take a month off drinking together. After that, he felt he could control himself more. We do this periodically. We also did this around trying to conceive since we weren’t getting pregnant and both young. Trying for a baby at 39 may not be easy so you should both work on good habits to increase your chance for success (eating right, exercise, limit alcohol and caffeine, supplements, etc). But counseling is a great place to start.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1) His sobriety (or lack thereof) is his journey. You cannot police his sobriety.

2) There is clearly something wrong in your marriage. Maybe you would benefit from marriage counseling.

3) Do you want more kids? Even if it means raising them by yourself? I only have one because I didn't want to have another with my then-husband. Now I am 40, divorced, and wish I had more kids, even if it meant being a single parent of multiple kids.

Strike #2, this is not about tour marriage this is about him, individual counseling will help you sort this out in your head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is this whole spectrum where this issue could exist, anywhere from "alcohol problem/deceit" to "micromanaging/overreacting/his is afraid of you." There is really no way for us to tell where this exists on the spectrum, and truthfully, it may be difficult for you both to tell also because there has been a lot of emotion over time.

Therapy seems like a good idea to 1.) find out what the issue(s) really is for both of you individually re: alcohol and/or otherwise, and 2.) to decide what to do about it, either actively or supportively or together.

I think this is the best advice you have gotten OP. Lots of people have a lot of mental hang-ups with alcohol on this board and unfortunately everyone will see their side in this story so you will get many 'god get off his back it was two beers' and you'll get many 'this was how my husband's slide towards dying in front of my of liver cirrhosis after he punched me in the face started"

This is probably a combo of issues, his being resentful of you making a decision about alcohol for both of you, forbidden fruit, his having some substance abuse issues, you having some control issues. Go to therapy and work through it, if you communicate and are honest and committed then you'll come out stronger for it. I don't think you necessarily have some huge marriage ending problem, but there have been marriage destroying seeds planted in your garden. Dig them out, don't let them grow or get any roots.

I agree w/ both of these posters OP.

Alcohol is an issue in my marriage. Neither of us drink in ways that other people find alarming - or that creates any issue for us re health/livelihood/relationships...- but my husband and I have very different perspectives (and tolerances for) what is normal. We each come to the topic with lots of family dysfunction in our past (and addiction in family going back generations). So anyone else's assessment of "normal vs. problem drinking" isn't really relevant. THe issue is whether he and I can see each other's perspective, can be ok with how the other person behaves or responds, find ways to parent well and raise children with a healthy approach to alcohol/pot... and so forth. Our differences and disagreements around drinking are a gateway to lots of stuff we each have to deal with separately and together. We are a work in progress.

I think it's great that you and your husband have open discussion around this, that you're planning to get a third party to help you navigate it, and that you are addressing these things before things have escalated to a far more disruptive level in your marriage and lives. I wish you all the best!!!

[Anonymous]

Is he secretly drinking because you’re being judgy of his 2-3 a day?

[Anonymous]

DO NOT HAVE ANOTHER KID WITH THIS GUY.

Then, you both need a good therapist. Find one them at specializes in substance abuse. Sure, it is possible that his drinking is no big deal.
But the strongest likelihood is that you are married to an alcoholic. The therapist can help sort that out.

You should assume you are 80% or more likely to get divorced and begin to live accordingly. Save money, build a support network and get legal advice. If you end up working things out, then great — but be ready for them not to work out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldnt worry too much about this. If she needed him he had had, what, one beer and one glass of wine? Plenty of parents regularly drink more than that. It doesn't seem to me that his drinking is a real issue - but he has some kind of paranoia/phobia of discussing it with you, which may be.

awful advice

Why? I agree the communication is the issue, not the amount of alcohol.

if there is nothing wrong, whats the big deal in discussing the issue and/or hiding it?

alcoholism and alcohol abuse isnt simply over drinking, or having a few weekends of being wasted. i get how people who consume alcohol normally view it through the lens of normal consumption and its nothing close to that.

im not diagnosing the extent of the spouses abuse. the behaviors they are showing arent that of a normal drinker.

He could be a normal drinker with a wife who freaks out over 2 beers and he hides it because he wants to avoid the freak out. I agree there is no way to tell if it’s an alcohol problem or a different marriage problem from what is posted, and I also agree that OP and her DH may not be able to tell the difference. But don’t have another kid into this mess; figure it out first. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:An alcoholic can't have just one drink. They can't control the number of drinks. Step 1 is to accept this.

+1

And even if you don't believe this, it seems clear that OP's DH is not capable of having just one drink.

OP, are these drink limitations that you and DH self-imposed a daily thing? Or just weekends?

But it also sounds like he is. It sounds like there are plenty of nights when he just has 1.

It's more that they've created this hard & fast rule about limiting it to strictly 1. And instead of communicating about it, he's decided to sneak around it.

Having 2 drinks isn't a sign of an alcoholic. Lying to your wife about the second drink is a sign of a troubled marriage