Minimal amount of secret drinking

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you all ever have nights where no one drinks?

I'd stop buying alcohol for the house. Tell him that you both need to stop for a bit while he figures this out.

If he can't do it, that's another big huge glaring red flag.

I like to drink, so does my DH. But we don't drink much during the week because it's so easy for 1 glass to turn into another. It's easier to just...skip it entirely. It's much better for our health and waist lines.

OP here, yes, I should have mentioned that there are a couple times a week when he either has sparkling water or a non-alcoholic beer. This is something he's trying to do in the past few weeks after a night with hard liquor where he cursed at me. I have a glass of wine each evening with dinner.

I have been thinking today though about if we need to just have no alcohol in the house whatsoever. I don't know how he'd feel about this. He feels ashamed about the whole issue and I don't know what to do.

Ok — but your daughter may already be stuck with an alcoholic father. Don’t bring another kid into this. And I will say again, start making decisions with the fact that you might get divorced in mind. Like, don’t quit your job, etc
Honestly, this isn’t sounding good. This guy is a jerk when he drinks liquor. He is ashamed of his drinking and secretly drinks. He has trouble communicating his real needs which leads to more drinking. I hope that therapy is good for you — but you really need to realize that you may be married to an alcoholic and start to think about what you will do if he doesn’t get sober.

OP here. You summed it up pretty well, unfortunately. I love him and hope for the best and am going to try counseling. But I do have a queasy feeling about "what if this can't be fixed"? At the same time, I am nervous about the chance for a second child possibly slipping away. Our daughter is the light of my life.

[Anonymous]

What’s interesting, and very sad, is that if you’re an alcoholic reading this you deeply relate to what your husband is doing. I’m not calling him an alcoholic, but I’m an alcoholic in recovery and the secret drinking, the guilt about doing it, the lack of sticking to his own plan about how much he’ll drink, the weird uneasy feeling that something isn’t right but not necessarily alcohol even while alcohol is there and a continuing concern, the change of personality he gets when drinking.

Nothing you can do about his drinking. Really, literally, you don’t cause him to drink and you can’t make him stop. Go to Al-Anon. It will help you live a sane life even if you’re living with an alcoholic who is drinking. And it will help you see your choices.

Or listen to Al Anon speakers on YouTube.

[Anonymous]

OP, there are several red flags, as you and others have identified. Inability to stop drinking once you start and having difficulty cutting back are some of the earliest signs of alcohol use disorder. So, even if it’s not as severe as some, it’s concerning and worth attention from both of you.

There are lots of treatment options out there that he may find more appealing than the traditional AA or “rehab.” He could do individual therapy, you could do something called Couples Alcohol Behavioral Therapy, he could take an FDA-approved medication, attend SMART recovery groups (similar to AA but no religious component), do evidence-based computer-based treatment (CheckUp and Choices, CBT4CBT), intensive outpatient programs, or some combination of the above.

I’d work with him to try one or more of those options. There are lots of ways to get help, and recovery is absolutely possible. Good luck to you both.

[Anonymous]

The amount of drinking isn’t the issue. The secrecy and control is the issue. He shouldn’t need to sneak alcohol in his own house.

I would go to counseling ASAP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The amount of drinking isn’t the issue. The secrecy and control is the issue. He shouldn’t need to sneak alcohol in his own house.

I would go to counseling ASAP

Agree, I feel so bad the dh has to hide what is so common in many happy households.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The amount of drinking isn’t the issue. The secrecy and control is the issue. He shouldn’t need to sneak alcohol in his own house.

I would go to counseling ASAP

Agree, I feel so bad the dh has to hide what is so common in many happy households.

OP here. When he drinks more, it’s not happy. He gets mean. Of course I care if he’s drinking and I know how it will go downhill. If you don’t struggle with alcohol abuse, this might not make sense to you.

He drank something he doesn’t like the taste of last night to get a buzz.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you all ever have nights where no one drinks?

I'd stop buying alcohol for the house. Tell him that you both need to stop for a bit while he figures this out.

If he can't do it, that's another big huge glaring red flag.

I like to drink, so does my DH. But we don't drink much during the week because it's so easy for 1 glass to turn into another. It's easier to just...skip it entirely. It's much better for our health and waist lines.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What’s interesting, and very sad, is that if you’re an alcoholic reading this you deeply relate to what your husband is doing. I’m not calling him an alcoholic, but I’m an alcoholic in recovery and the secret drinking, the guilt about doing it, the lack of sticking to his own plan about how much he’ll drink, the weird uneasy feeling that something isn’t right but not necessarily alcohol even while alcohol is there and a continuing concern, the change of personality he gets when drinking.

Nothing you can do about his drinking. Really, literally, you don’t cause him to drink and you can’t make him stop. Go to Al-Anon. It will help you live a sane life even if you’re living with an alcoholic who is drinking. And it will help you see your choices.

Or listen to Al Anon speakers on YouTube.

I am a PP who responded several times in the first few pages and agree with this.

OP, you are only describing what youve caught him doing. He's probably doing more than you are aware of and hiding it well.

As someone who went from normal social drinking to straight abuse and alcoholism, I can relate to everything you are describing. When I told my spouse and some family members how much I drank, they couldnt believe it. Many of you dismissing or minimizing the situation need to get it out your head that problem drinking is just a few more extra drinks than what your limit is.

Again, I will not pretend to know what the extent of OPs husband is, but I promise you the signs of hiding and guilt are not because shes a nag. Its behavior of someone at, or approaching the stages where it will get worse.

[Anonymous]

The fact that he was so desperate for a drink that he actually drank something he doesn’t even like the taste of is pretty compelling evidence of a problem drinker.

[Anonymous]

Like someone said, tip of the iceberg.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Up until a couple years ago, both DH and I drank too much. We'd come home from work and each have a cocktail, then each have maybe 2 more over the course of the evening. If it was the weekend, we'd have a couple at brunch too. We weren't falling down drunk but were overdoing it and it was not healthy.

Then I got pregnant with our now toddler, which forced me to pull it together. It was easier for me, and I had a very good reason to abstain. DH had some bad nights overdoing it and ended up going to a few AA meetings, but decided he was comfortable cutting way back instead of being sober. After she was born, we agreed to limit ourselves to one alcoholic beverage in the evening. With dinner, I will have one glass of wine and DH will have an IPA. We try to avoid hard liquor, as DH has struggled to moderate his consumption of it when he has access. Since we've had our "1 glass" agreement, there have been a couple times when he's snuck a shot of something, and it's always obvious to me and he feels awful about it. He feels a lot of shame about abusing alcohol.

Late last night I noticed a 12 oz water glass on a shelf in the basement. It smelled like wine. Asked DH about it and he fell apart - he doesn't even enjoy wine but he was out of beers and it was the only thing in the fridge. I was taking a bath at the time, he was playing a video game, and he'd already had his one beer with dinner but felt the urge for something more. It makes me so sad that he felt the need to reach for something he doesn't like the taste of, and fill up a glass that's so much bigger than our actual wine glasses.

I asked if there have been other secret times recently. He said that on the few occasions when I've met a friend for dinner after putting our daughter to bed, he's had 2 beers while I've been out. I know this doesn't sound too excessive (and I hope it was not more than 2) but I feel a sense of real unease and dread about the secrecy and lack of control. And this is while our toddler is sleeping. What if she needed him?

We've talked about having another child soon (and I just turned 39 so we don't have oodles of time) and I would really love to, but after last night, I'm anxious about doubling down on kids with someone who is struggling with alcohol (but who is a wonderful, kind, and hardworking person and a great dad).

It's a hard situation. Wondering if anyone has a similar experience or thoughts for me. Thanks.

If you need these type of policies and agreements, there is likely problem drinking going on.

[Anonymous]

OP i’m going to urge you to stop reading responses on here and get professional help. Those of us who are familiar with alcoholism see the red flags and see what is going on. We are also familiar with the role of the enabler. You have a long road ahead of you and it is easy to get talked out of doing what you need to do by reading on a chat board that you are over reacting. One might even believe that the reason that you were asking this question is so that you can be talked out of doing what you need to do. Go to Al-Anon, contact a therapist who understands substance abuse, talk to your family physician and get some references. You need professional help to navigate this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DO NOT HAVE ANOTHER KID WITH THIS GUY.

Then, you both need a good therapist. Find one them at specializes in substance abuse. Sure, it is possible that his drinking is no big deal.
But the strongest likelihood is that you are married to an alcoholic. The therapist can help sort that out.

You should assume you are 80% or more likely to get divorced and begin to live accordingly. Save money, build a support network and get legal advice. If you end up working things out, then great — but be ready for them not to work out.

OP here, my first priority is to figure out how to best support him and our family. I took vows to him and love him deeply. In spite of the alcohol issues, he is a truly good person and father.

This situation with alcohol is hard and I know he has work to do, but I do believe he wants to do the work to get better.

What I've taken from many of the PPs who've been there is that this is not something I can fix for him and that I need to find my own support too. I'm looking up local Al-Anon options now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP i’m going to urge you to stop reading responses on here and get professional help. Those of us who are familiar with alcoholism see the red flags and see what is going on. We are also familiar with the role of the enabler. You have a long road ahead of you and it is easy to get talked out of doing what you need to do by reading on a chat board that you are over reacting. One might even believe that the reason that you were asking this question is so that you can be talked out of doing what you need to do. Go to Al-Anon, contact a therapist who understands substance abuse, talk to your family physician and get some references. You need professional help to navigate this.

OP here, thank you. He found a therapist that specializes in couples therapy and in addiction issues. We're going to make an appointment. I'm looking at Al-Anon for myself too.

I realize the PPs who think I'm just a nag likely haven't experienced anything like this. The unsettled feeling, the worry that you're going to see evidence of secret drinking. Having to see your loved one's own heartbreak over their broken promises. It is hard. A few years ago, I probably would have thought my post sounded like an overreaction too.

[Anonymous]

If you really want DH to stop drinking so much, you should stop drinking at home. No booze, no temptation. I can't see this being sustainable if you are drinking with him, and he can't control his drinking. You can't control his drinking because only the alcoholic can control their own drinking. usually by going to AA