If your 15 year old daughter has a boyfriend do you allow her to go to his house?

[Anonymous]

Some of these responses sound like they’re from people who haven’t had teenagers yet. Ours are young adults now but when they were teens, their friends with the most rigid parents were the kids who were the sneakiest. The kids that want to be sexually actively will find a way. The others just want to hang out and watch movies or play games etc. As long as parents are home, there are lots of ways to make your presence known so that they know they could be walked in on at anytime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh boy. You people are funny.
Denial.... not just a river in Egypt.
Your kids are totally having sex behind your backs.

I was 15 once and I wasn’t doing that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is setting boundaries, and being a permissive parent. I believe in boundaries.

Setting boundaries is healthy but there is a big difference in having healthy boundaries, permissive, and overly strict. Kids need to learn to navigate things socially in an age appropriate way. It’s no wonder some kids go hog wild as soon as they get to college. They’ve never had the opportunity to gradually increase their social freedoms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:These discussions about teens and dating always make me wonder a little bit about what it is that parents really value and how they think you get there. If the goal is "no sex for teens" then basically you shouldn't let them out of the house. If they are getting in cars, going on walks, visiting friends (not just boyfriend's house) the opportunity will be there. It seems curious to me to put so much emphasis on limits/boundaries that are essentially meaningless in attaining that goal.
So what's the other option - actually I'd like my teens to respect and value themselves enough that they decide when they have sex and that they do it safely and with full consent. I want them educated, I want them confident, and I want them to own this very important part of themselves and treat it with respect. Everything we know about education and sex is this leads to better outcomes. But to do that you have to approach sex as a positive thing, not as a scary thing that nobody will talk about and you definitely can't go to your boyfriends house because what if....
Listen people, the average age to have sex for first time is 17. That means LOT of 15 and 16 year olds are getting busy. I'm gonna guess exactly nobody delays having sex because their parents impose arbitrary rules about whose house they can go to. Have the hard conversations, it's really worth it.

You don't get it. The Goal is NOT "no sex for teens". It's about boundaries, boundaries for a 15 year old girl.
Too much permissive and uninvolved parenting advice here.

The boundary you can’t go to your boyfriends house is a meaningless boundary hence just a platitude to make you feel good about your lack of parenting.

Please explain how "meaningless" of a boundary is when I tell my teen daughter she can't go to her boyfriend's house.

Please, your are worse than a teen!

Because she is still going to his house you just think she is at Karen’s. But your too dense to help her navigate this stage of her life because your head is in the sand.

You're still hanging here? I'm the PP, I'm sorry many of us are not as promiscuous as you were at 15.

I'm the PP. Here are some stats for you.

Vaginal Intercourse / "Sexual Intercourse"

An analysis of the 2015-2017 NSFG found that among youth age 15-19, 42% of females and 38% of males have had heterosexual vaginal intercourse [11]. Rates of vaginal intercourse have declined for both females and males since 1988, though since 2006 the rate of intercourse has declined for males and been more stable for females [11]. In 2019, 38% of high school students reported having had "sexual intercourse" at some point in their lives (30% in New York State), and 27% were currently sexually active (had sexual intercourse at least once in the three months before taking the survey. Note that "sexual intercourse" is not defined in the survey.) [5]. Higher percentages of lifetime sexual intercourse are seen among students who identify as bisexual (46%) [5]. Asian high school students are less likely to have had intercourse (16%) or be currently sexually active (10%) than are students who are black, Latinx, multiple race, or white [5]. In New York State, about one in five high school students (22%) were currently sexually active [5]. Most people (55% females and 55% males) have had penile-vaginal intercourse by age 18 [11]. Over 80% of adolescent women age 15-21 who report lesbian/bisexual identities or same-sex attractions report having had sex with men [4].

[Anonymous]

The promiscous chick is part of the 55%. LOL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These discussions about teens and dating always make me wonder a little bit about what it is that parents really value and how they think you get there. If the goal is "no sex for teens" then basically you shouldn't let them out of the house. If they are getting in cars, going on walks, visiting friends (not just boyfriend's house) the opportunity will be there. It seems curious to me to put so much emphasis on limits/boundaries that are essentially meaningless in attaining that goal.
So what's the other option - actually I'd like my teens to respect and value themselves enough that they decide when they have sex and that they do it safely and with full consent. I want them educated, I want them confident, and I want them to own this very important part of themselves and treat it with respect. Everything we know about education and sex is this leads to better outcomes. But to do that you have to approach sex as a positive thing, not as a scary thing that nobody will talk about and you definitely can't go to your boyfriends house because what if....
Listen people, the average age to have sex for first time is 17. That means LOT of 15 and 16 year olds are getting busy. I'm gonna guess exactly nobody delays having sex because their parents impose arbitrary rules about whose house they can go to. Have the hard conversations, it's really worth it.

You don't get it. The Goal is NOT "no sex for teens". It's about boundaries, boundaries for a 15 year old girl.
Too much permissive and uninvolved parenting advice here.

The boundary you can’t go to your boyfriends house is a meaningless boundary hence just a platitude to make you feel good about your lack of parenting.

Please explain how "meaningless" of a boundary is when I tell my teen daughter she can't go to her boyfriend's house.

Please, your are worse than a teen!

Because she is still going to his house you just think she is at Karen’s. But your too dense to help her navigate this stage of her life because your head is in the sand.

You're still hanging here? I'm the PP, I'm sorry many of us are not as promiscuous as you were at 15.

I'm the PP. Here are some stats for you.

Vaginal Intercourse / "Sexual Intercourse"

An analysis of the 2015-2017 NSFG found that among youth age 15-19, 42% of females and 38% of males have had heterosexual vaginal intercourse [11]. Rates of vaginal intercourse have declined for both females and males since 1988, though since 2006 the rate of intercourse has declined for males and been more stable for females [11]. In 2019, 38% of high school students reported having had "sexual intercourse" at some point in their lives (30% in New York State), and 27% were currently sexually active (had sexual intercourse at least once in the three months before taking the survey. Note that "sexual intercourse" is not defined in the survey.) [5]. Higher percentages of lifetime sexual intercourse are seen among students who identify as bisexual (46%) [5]. Asian high school students are less likely to have had intercourse (16%) or be currently sexually active (10%) than are students who are black, Latinx, multiple race, or white [5]. In New York State, about one in five high school students (22%) were currently sexually active [5]. Most people (55% females and 55% males) have had penile-vaginal intercourse by age 18 [11]. Over 80% of adolescent women age 15-21 who report lesbian/bisexual identities or same-sex attractions report having had sex with men [4].

New poster:

There’s a big difference between 15 and 19. That’s a large age gap. One is a freshman in high school and one is a freshman in college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These discussions about teens and dating always make me wonder a little bit about what it is that parents really value and how they think you get there. If the goal is "no sex for teens" then basically you shouldn't let them out of the house. If they are getting in cars, going on walks, visiting friends (not just boyfriend's house) the opportunity will be there. It seems curious to me to put so much emphasis on limits/boundaries that are essentially meaningless in attaining that goal.
So what's the other option - actually I'd like my teens to respect and value themselves enough that they decide when they have sex and that they do it safely and with full consent. I want them educated, I want them confident, and I want them to own this very important part of themselves and treat it with respect. Everything we know about education and sex is this leads to better outcomes. But to do that you have to approach sex as a positive thing, not as a scary thing that nobody will talk about and you definitely can't go to your boyfriends house because what if....
Listen people, the average age to have sex for first time is 17. That means LOT of 15 and 16 year olds are getting busy. I'm gonna guess exactly nobody delays having sex because their parents impose arbitrary rules about whose house they can go to. Have the hard conversations, it's really worth it.

You don't get it. The Goal is NOT "no sex for teens". It's about boundaries, boundaries for a 15 year old girl.

Too much permissive and uninvolved parenting advice here.

NP here. It's not really an either or, you can do your best to require they are not alone in a house at 15 and encourage open communication about sex. I did both. My now 17 year old had a BF when she was 15 and she only visited when partents were there (we texted back and forth and drove them so it was easy to confirm at least until they got their licenses.) They had sex anyway, I don't know exactly when, but I suspect at a friends house for the first time. They've been dating 2 years now. I don't "permit" them to have sex in the house, but at 17 I don't really care if they are occassionally unsupervised either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. I make sure the parent was home. They still had sex in the basement.

So then I only allowed them at my house when I was home and they had sex.

me too!!

[Anonymous]

Yes, be home, make sure his parents are home. It will probably make your daughter feel more comfortable.

[Anonymous]

Our DD and her boyfriend have been dating for a couple months. She goes over to his house all the time. His parents are home but aren't watching them (usually working). I have been told that they either hang out in the basement and watch Disney+ or sit out in his backyard. I'd say to trust your daughter and this young man until they give you a reason not to and communicate with the other parents if you have any concerns.

[Anonymous]

The stats above indicate the majority of 17 year olds have not had PiV sex so it’s unlikely that all 15 year olds with a SO are doing it. Giving them private along time undoubtedly makes it slightly more likely.
A good friend was raped at 16 by a boy she was dating—she went to his house not knowing his parents would not be home and he refused to let her leave until she had sex with him. She resisted for hours. She did not call her parents. So I’m not super thrilled about my girls, in particular, going to a guys house if I haven’t verified other people will be there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh boy. You people are funny.
Denial.... not just a river in Egypt.
Your kids are totally having sex behind your backs.

I was 15 once and I wasn’t doing that.

New poster:

Times were different then. Communication wasn’t as easy or as frequent now. This makes relationships move faster.

[Anonymous]

The kid can be convicted based on the values they saw in their home/ parents, foster parents or mentors and how they modeled respect for each other. They get to decide but there will be a spark of conviction if the parents didn’t give up and we’re firm on values.

[Anonymous]

Hmmm….tough one. Probably not. I’m sure we’d argue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a train of thought in this thread that seems to suggest that any boundary is worthless so why have any at all. Part of our job as parents is to reflect our values in the boundaries we set for our kids, and it's developmentally appropriate for teens to buck against them, but that dance still plays a role in shaping the adults they become. Setting boundaries gives kids a sense of security and models for them how to set personal boundaries as well. Just because a kid will figure out how to test them, push them, break them, doesn't mean they don't have value.

Thank you for posting this.
Just wanted to know you are not alone.