Why do some men check out of their kids' lives after divorce?

[Anonymous]

These kid's psyches are damaged for the rest of their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most people love the idea of having kids for many reasons but who really wants to do the unglamorous day-to-day work of raising them for years?

I am a DW who can totally understand stepping out of, as Alice Walker called it, the role of "personal parenting" if I knew that my kids would be well taken care of.

We all know mothers as well who farm their kids out to their moms or other people to raise. The only reason this does not happen more often is that society discourages women from doing it in a way it never does men.

OP, More men do it because they more often can with impunity.

I think most mothers cannot imagine this and would NEVER make such a choice.

You are not typical and I am sad if this sentiment comes across to your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a tale as old as time. There are many men who take care of the child(ren) of the woman they are sleeping with. So, if he isn’t sleeping with her, he will not take care of her kids (even if they are his).

You did not answer OP's question.

Sadly, you seemed to act like such behavior is normal and to be tolerated.

I’m not but stating facts doesn’t make it right.

Many Men think the #1 thing in their life is sex. They treat people according to how that aspect of their life is going. If it’s not going well their behavior toward their wife and children will be negative/abusive/neglectful.

Men are raise to believe they are entitled to sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because the Mom makes it so difficult on him and causes so much drama. She engages in parental alienation to turn the kid against him anyway and he’s just fighting a losing battle until he finally gives up.

This, my husband's ex lied every chance she got to the kids saying how Dad destroyed the marriage. In all reality she cheated, took the kids cross country to live with the AP who moved out there and denied Dad his visits. Dad made plane reservations each and every schedule visit and she'd refuse to send the kids and often cashed out the tickets (not sure how the airlines allowed it given it was paid for by him) so he couldn't use them the next visit (she was supposed to pay 1/2 but never did). He'd fly out and she'd refuse to let the kids see him. He went to court multiple times and the judge just fussed at her, gave him make up visits and visits while he was there, that she still denied, rinse and repeat. Eventually when the youngest was a teen, he gave up and said if you want to visit, I'll buy the ticket. He only heard from them when they wanted extra money. Dad finally had enough and said I'll buy you want you need vs. sending money. Send me a list of wants, needs, brand preferences (or even the exact clothing and shoes) and I'll ship them to the house. And, give me the information for sports and activities and I'll pay directly. They refused to send any information and only demanded money. Dad would still regularly send clothing and other stuff and kids said they never got it despite delivery confirmation. Mom got child support, alimony and Dad provided health care and dental care. What more could Dad do if he would show up and she refused to allow him to see the kid/s when he flew out or he bought plane tickets and she refused to send them. All three kids have their relationship challenges now.

Do you actually think you have an unbiased view of things. Your husband sounds like a bit of a control freak. He should have put up with the discomfort to show he loved them (which is independent of money, though of course he had a fiscal responsibility to them as well.)

Their mother might have been messed up, I believe you. But that is even more reason for him to stay involved...rather than "give up" because it makes his life easier. Poor children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad did this. I eventually realized it was his wife who set up a "It's her or me" dynamic. She was successful because to this day, my dad doesn't communicate with me unless I initiate, and talks as if he is speaking to a stranger he can't wait to get off the phone.

We now live in different countries, and I gave up going to see him a few years ago. She didn't want me staying at their house, and he always acted eager to get away to see his "grandkids" (ie, her kids) when I got him to come out to see me. He's never seen my child and never responded to pictures or updates, so I just stopped. It was too hurtful to me.

After years of trying and trying in the face of repeated rejections from him, I find it is better now that I have made a clean break.

AMAZING when you read that even when the father neglects his kids. In this thread one or the other WIVES involved get blamed.

The mother is always blamed (for getting pregnant, for parenting, for how the kid turns out, for the husband cheating and now for this! Misogyny gone wild.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a tale as old as time. There are many men who take care of the child(ren) of the woman they are sleeping with. So, if he isn’t sleeping with her, he will not take care of her kids (even if they are his).

You did not answer OP's question.

Sadly, you seemed to act like such behavior is normal and to be tolerated.

I’m not but stating facts doesn’t make it right.

Many Men think the #1 thing in their life is sex. They treat people according to how that aspect of their life is going. If it’s not going well their behavior toward their wife and children will be negative/abusive/neglectful.

Men are raise to believe they are entitled to sex.

+1
This is it in a nutshell. Also, the first marriage is considered a mistake and those kids represent it. Why many men end up distancing themselves and create a new life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad did this. I eventually realized it was his wife who set up a "It's her or me" dynamic. She was successful because to this day, my dad doesn't communicate with me unless I initiate, and talks as if he is speaking to a stranger he can't wait to get off the phone.

We now live in different countries, and I gave up going to see him a few years ago. She didn't want me staying at their house, and he always acted eager to get away to see his "grandkids" (ie, her kids) when I got him to come out to see me. He's never seen my child and never responded to pictures or updates, so I just stopped. It was too hurtful to me.

After years of trying and trying in the face of repeated rejections from him, I find it is better now that I have made a clean break.

AMAZING when you read that even when the father neglects his kids. In this thread one or the other WIVES involved get blamed.

The mother is always blamed (for getting pregnant, for parenting, for how the kid turns out, for the husband cheating and now for this! Misogyny gone wild.)

Yes it was never the wife, he chose to let the relationship go. It's just easier to blame a stranger than a blood parent.

[Anonymous]

When an ex-husband remarries he usually just goes along with whatever the new wife wants. He has a new family and his kids from his first marriage are no longer a priority.

It happens all the time. It's very sad for the kids.

[Anonymous]

I have been a fully engaged mother so that I can disengage with zero guilt when each child turns 18. I will have done my duty, and they will owe me nothing. My happiness does not depend on my kids' choices for their lives. They know this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been a fully engaged mother so that I can disengage with zero guilt when each child turns 18. I will have done my duty, and they will owe me nothing. My happiness does not depend on my kids' choices for their lives. They know this.

What? You plan to stop talking to your kids and kick them out at 18? You sound pretty unhealthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Their wives used to keep them informed and tell them what was going on. After the divorce they didn’t pick up that emotional labor.

This is the TL/DR version of the nanny’s long post. It’s very true for me. Before we separated, my husband told our marriage counselor that I handled 99% of the childcare (his words!), but that he was a very involved parent. In what world is someone who only does 1% of the childcare an involved parent? He felt involved because I kept him in the loop about everything. If he knew about the kids’ friends or something their teacher said or what our oldest was embarrassed about or what our youngest was afraid of or who cried or why they fought, it was because I told him. He knew our children through me. Now our kids are older and they don’t want to share anything with him and I don’t speak with him every day, so he knows them less and less well. He doesn’t know how to relate to them as young teens. He still wants to chase and wrestle and tickle them, but they find that off putting at this age.

Same here. Agree.

I also agree with the nanny’s examples and how that indeed plays out that way. However, if ego is so big often the Disney Dad phenomena pops up where dad starts throwing money at gifts, day trips, vacations in efforts for attention and admiration from his kids. Same lack of real connection or ability to see the child’s needs, but won’t back down from the check the box time and will try the spoiling approach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most people love the idea of having kids for many reasons but who really wants to do the unglamorous day-to-day work of raising them for years?

I am a DW who can totally understand stepping out of, as Alice Walker called it, the role of "personal parenting" if I knew that my kids would be well taken care of.

We all know mothers as well who farm their kids out to their moms or other people to raise. The only reason this does not happen more often is that society discourages women from doing it in a way it never does men.

OP, More men do it because they more often can with impunity.

I think most mothers cannot imagine this and would NEVER make such a choice.

You are not typical and I am sad if this sentiment comes across to your children.

Huh? There is a whole culture of young grandma raising the grandkids all of whom have different fathers!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because the Mom makes it so difficult on him and causes so much drama. She engages in parental alienation to turn the kid against him anyway and he’s just fighting a losing battle until he finally gives up.

living through this at the moment!

Ok Woody. Forget what the kid feels or saw or heard or said and blame the Mom.

[Anonymous]

One piece of advice I give folks is to think really hard about whether to consent to allowing the other party to move away with the children because you are at a huge disadvantage if the venue is in a far away location. For example, anytime there is an issue you are going to have to go down to that location for (at a minimum) an initial appearance and then for the trial/hearing on the matter. In VA, the judgment of the JDR court can be appealed de novo to the circuit court so you're looking at at least another two appearances if the other party appeals. Let's say the court is 2-3 hours away you're looking at losing several days if you ever have to deal with issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One piece of advice I give folks is to think really hard about whether to consent to allowing the other party to move away with the children because you are at a huge disadvantage if the venue is in a far away location. For example, anytime there is an issue you are going to have to go down to that location for (at a minimum) an initial appearance and then for the trial/hearing on the matter. In VA, the judgment of the JDR court can be appealed de novo to the circuit court so you're looking at at least another two appearances if the other party appeals. Let's say the court is 2-3 hours away you're looking at losing several days if you ever have to deal with issues.

What you're not understanding, often the other parent is ok with it. Mainly because they don't want to see the kids as much. Awful I know, but it's the truth.