Why do some men check out of their kids' lives after divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because they are selfish losers.

Not necessarily. Far too many ex wives teach their kids to hate their fathers and treat the men like $hit. I am not a man and I have seen this happen a lot. I guess they figure who needs this cra

[Anonymous]

My dad did this. I eventually realized it was his wife who set up a "It's her or me" dynamic. She was successful because to this day, my dad doesn't communicate with me unless I initiate, and talks as if he is speaking to a stranger he can't wait to get off the phone.

We now live in different countries, and I gave up going to see him a few years ago. She didn't want me staying at their house, and he always acted eager to get away to see his "grandkids" (ie, her kids) when I got him to come out to see me. He's never seen my child and never responded to pictures or updates, so I just stopped. It was too hurtful to me.

After years of trying and trying in the face of repeated rejections from him, I find it is better now that I have made a clean break.

[Anonymous]

My parents did not get along well. My dad was fully involved even after my parents divorced. In fact, we still saw him everyday. He'd pick us up after school, take us to play, eat, sports, shopping etc. Then take us home and repeat the next day. We didn't experience any negative changes. But, he's an amazing father, always made the effort, never changed to this day, he's the same as a grandpa.

I would think men who abandon their children after they're divorced, were that way prior to divorcing. Even if they stayed married they'd most likely be absent from their child's life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because the Mom makes it so difficult on him and causes so much drama. She engages in parental alienation to turn the kid against him anyway and he’s just fighting a losing battle until he finally gives up.

OP here. This is a crude generalization. In the cases that I know, the moms went out of their way to facilitate and promote the kids' interactions with their fathers.

NP

Dearest OP - how is this considered a generalization... your question was general. You asked "why do SOME men...", and this PP answered. "because the mom makes is difficult on him....." I doubt this PP even thought their answer could be considered as pertaining to all men.

Why ask a question if you don't want people's opinions?

NP. Yep! I hate when OPs ask a question that’s based on a stereotype, but then disagree with a possible reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because the Mom makes it so difficult on him and causes so much drama. She engages in parental alienation to turn the kid against him anyway and he’s just fighting a losing battle until he finally gives up.

Yep.

There is literally nothing that would stop me from trying to get to my kids. I would never, ever give up. And I think most women are the same. Why do men just give up?

To be fair, in my husband's case he did not give up forever, just until the kids became adults. Then he was able to re-establish a relationship with them both, around the time they finally realized what their mom had done. Lots of missed years though. Sad.

[Anonymous]

I agree with 11:48 (the long reply). Men are socialized to be passive in their social relationships and many depend heavily on their wives and girlfriends to set up and help them maintain relationships, to a degree they do not even realize. I know so many men who do not have any of their own friends, their wives arrange the family's social life 100% and they just go along and so it feels to them like they have real relationships. They get divorced and suddenly find it's hard to maintain relationships with friends and kids -- they've never had to do it alone before! So they give up because it's difficult or glom on to another girlfriend and go back to the passive role of letting her do everything.

[Anonymous]

In our case, we have a Sunday dad so to speak. Child spends weekends with him, not always overnight but often.
I think dad is too lazy to be more involved. Child rearing is not fun and games and he just doesn’t feel like it. Why bother?
They almost stopped leaving the house because “child doesn’t want to, and I am not a fan of forcing him to do stuff”. Dude, half of parenting is “forcing”!

[Anonymous]

The nanny at 11:48, thank you for your insightful post!

To the many PPs whose father lost interest in them, remember that this reflects only on the father, not on you. It is so sad that many who go through this have to have therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I would think men who abandon their children after they're divorced, were that way prior to divorcing. Even if they stayed married they'd most likely be absent from their child's life.

I agree. My husband has been often absent from my son's life since he was 8 months old. H worked long hours, traveled for work, and all the logistics of social relationships fell to me. Now, during this pandemic, he has worked in a different states. Whenever he calls it is to discuss with me his work issues. He rarely asks about his 11 year-old kid. The other day we were in a park when he called, and I pointed the camera directly to our son. H would still not engage him. After a divorce it will very likely be worse... At one point, when kid was only 5 years old and did not respond to dad's questions while watching a cartoon, dad already said that he does not consider himself "part of this family anymore." His childish attitude really broke my heart.

[Anonymous]

I've seen this twice.

1. Dad was working his way through some issues and just disconnected from that life. Took a long time for him to fix himself and get involved in his kids life again. They have an okay relationship. They see each other, get along and all that, but there really isn't the father/son relationship. There is still a lot of distance between them

2. Mom made things really difficult for dad to see kids. Then she made it difficult for phone calls etc. Lot of money to lawyers and he pretty much gave up for awhile. He barely saw his kids for a couple of years and communication was hard. He was pretty dejected. He didn't want his kids to know it was moms fault so he took a lot of their anger. Then he met someone knew who really helped him fight hard for them. Custody agreement was redone and more enforced. Kids are all teenagers now (this happened in toddler/early elementary years) and the kids have learned that mom is toxic and has issues. They are very close to their dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because they are selfish losers.

Not necessarily. Far too many ex wives teach their kids to hate their fathers and treat the men like $hit. I am not a man and I have seen this happen a lot. I guess they figure who needs this cra

so it isn't that this doesn't happen but even on here you hear many more stories of men who disconnect. I think the 11:48 poster had it right (at least I hope so) in that it's how they have been raised. It's so much easier for men to just move on in relationships and this is just another type of relationship for many.

[Anonymous]

A big thank you to Nanny Poster. The only thing I would add is that character plays a role beyond socialization. I think some people are just more diligent and loyal and push themselves to do what is right, whether it is easy or not.

[Anonymous]

Many exes manipulate it to make frequent interaction intolerable and bad for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many exes manipulate it to make frequent interaction intolerable and bad for the kids.

Explain exactly how a woman would manage to “manipulate” such that it is bad for your kids to see you? If your interactions with your children are bad for them, do you really think that is someone else’s fault?

[Anonymous]

Nanny is spot on!

My ex has 50/50 custody on paper but has slow let it erode. Part of that is because he never plans anything for the kids, never set up rituals, and doesn't have stuff at his place that they kids enjoy playing with. So the kids like spending time at my place. That's all on him - I don't badmouth him to the kids or encourage this

Now that the kids are older, he's checked out from what's going on in their lives. None of this has anything to do with me - he has access to the same school information that I do, yet he doesn't look at things or talk to them. So he doesn't know what classes the kids are taking, what the teachers are like, what they want to do for summer, etc. Which means the kids share less with him, because he doesn't ask them specific questions about classes, school projects, friends, etc.

Now granted, I could put more effort into helping him build his relationships with the kids. But since he's not nice to me, I prefer just going about living my life and leave it to him to deal.