Why do some men check out of their kids' lives after divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wrote the post about the dad sailing back in and yes in retrospect I guess I "picked the wrong mate." I won't go into it here but it wasn't as obvious as you might think. I definitely didn't want to control things and I would have appreciated the help with raising the kids. It's a lot of work.

Regarding being seen as a martyr, you're not and you have to do all the things every other family does except there's one adult doing it and it gets exhausting. My EX gave me full physical custody without me asking at the beginning of the divorce before that term meant anything to me if that tells you anything.

I wouldn't be human if I didn't feel something about this. To be blunt I was willing to sacrifice my personal and professional life for many years while he was living like a single guy. He will retire in a much better financial place than I will and he has completed most of his life's bucket list. I don't regret doing it but it does feel unbalanced and yes, I'm going to say it, unfair. It's one of those situations where you have to reach deep and be the bigger person because my kids do need their dad. I support their relationship and encourage it truly but I can have some complex feelings about it.

Anyone who feels smug about their choice of mate should slow down because life is a journey not a destination and I've seen relationships change so have compassion today because you might need it yourself tomorrow.

I used to be the naive, smug person who knew she married the right kind of man. It wasn’t until 18+ years in that I found out I hadn’t.

You are an outstanding mother, and I honor your dual parenting roles this Father’s Day.

+1 I hope the ^^PP's kids one day realize how much she sacrificed for her kids without any judgement for the other parent.

Happy Father's Day to all the truly great dads out there, including my DH, who learned to be a great dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Moms -- just wait until the checked out dads check back in when the kids are older so don't need the type of care as when they were little.
Dad sails in and all is forgiven or at the very least there is such a biological imperative that the kids yearning causes them to be ecstatic he's around.

It's tough and hurtful but you know it's in the kids best interest so you suck it up but it sucks. You did all the hard work but he's on equal footing.

Most of the mom's here will not let the dad's be active and involved parents so its a non-issue.

+1. Those dads who "sail in" when the kids are older was probably shut out when kids were too small to initiate/maintain contact on their own. Of course the kids are ecstatic. Mom may have intentionally kept dad at arms length throughout childhood because, "She's the mom and she knows her kids best." and wanted to do all the "hard work" because it was her way or no way. Plus it made good fodder for those mothers with martyrdom syndrome. They could elicit sympathy that they were doing it all alone.

The whole "equal footing" comment proves many see this as a contest for who is the best parent and who deserves the child's affection more.

A child's love for a parent shouldn't be in an equation with bean counting.

a lot of dads consider bare minimum, ie, kids are not dead, they have "food " (ie junk food); they are entertained (kids sit in front of an electronic all day) as "good parenting".

Lucky for some dads that kids will love their parents regardless, even the absentee ones.

So do a lot of mom's. Stop pretending its only Dad's as bad parents. Most Dad's parent their kids.

[Anonymous]

In our case dad knows mom would completely fall apart and lose her mind emotionally in a custody battle and decided to spare kid that experience, felt it was important too to cause mom to have a nervous breakdown. Gave mom primary physical and shared legal custody but mom still had authority to decide most things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In our case dad knows mom would completely fall apart and lose her mind emotionally in a custody battle and decided to spare kid that experience, felt it was important too to cause mom to have a nervous breakdown. Gave mom primary physical and shared legal custody but mom still had authority to decide most things.

^important NOT to cause mom to have a nervous breakdown

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a tale as old as time. There are many men who take care of the child(ren) of the woman they are sleeping with. So, if he isn’t sleeping with her, he will not take care of her kids (even if they are his).

So true. I'm from a different culture, and my SIL's dad abandoned his 4 bio kids and adopted and raised with great care his stepdaughter, who was 2 years old when they met. He paid for her college in full, $$$ wedding and everything.

My FIL, an American, did this. Abandoned his 4 bio kids physically (moved across the country), financially, and emotionally and then remarried and adopted a child with second wife. Raised that one as a hands-on involved parent, coached sports, went to events, paid for college, bought the first car, etc. Cut his first 4 kids off the day he left, until they were independent adults who were supporting themselves. Now wants to be Granddad. We let him, it’s for our kids, but I judge the sh** out of him for his choices and mistakes. And I feel awful for my MIL, who did it all on her own for their whole childhood.

[Anonymous]

Yuck.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Because the Mom makes it so difficult on him and causes so much drama. She engages in parental alienation to turn the kid against him anyway and he’s just fighting a losing battle until he finally gives up.

Yep.

There is literally nothing that would stop me from trying to get to my kids. I would never, ever give up. And I think most women are the same. Why do men just give up?

Because offspring requires less commitment for males. A man could sire a baby every day all year long if he had access to enough fertile females. It’s a few minutes “work” for him. A woman makes a 10 month investment.

Most men marry for the sex, not the kids. If they let the kids go their behavior says it all. The courts will enforcement child support and whatever custody is on the divorce decree.
If the guy is a crappy dad then yes the woman can easily move on, and find a real father for the kids. I've seen that quite often. Or the man that sires other kids is often broke paying various women, not to mention low class and tacky. They are out there..

wow, just wow.

Not nice, but a harsh reality for many.

No its not. Most men aren't encouraged to be Dad's between the local and federal laws and women can easily push them out of their kids lives with no consequences. That is the harsh reality. Until we place an equal importance on Dad's in kids lives, nothing will change. If you read this post and others, this is why men give up and check out. Women place no value on kids having a Dad except money and once he women alienate the kids, there isn't much that they can do.

You are part of the problem. Don't complain when men check out given your attitude.

the problem isn’t “placing value on Dad’s in kid’s lives”, the problem is getting Dads to do the work of parenting without being asked, told or mandated.

My ex has never attended a school meeting, a medical appointment, bought the kids clothes, thought about what they would do for the summer, enrolled them in extra curriculars or driven carpool. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink.

Moms and Dads who do the work of parenting are automatically part of their kids lives.

+1 I spend a ton of time researching camps for interests, dates/time, logistics. If you leave it up to most dads they'd just stick them in any summer camp that has space at the last minute. No thought to what the child might actually be interested in. The good camps usually fill up super earlly.

How many dads know their kids' shoe sizes? Are there some, sure. But by and large, it's the moms that take the lead on this without being asked to. They just think about these things.

Men are too basic to put any thought into something as "trivial" as summer camp or whether the kids have the correct shoe size. They just assume that a 5 yr old will evetually tell the parent that their shoes are too small or that they are hungry, but it doesn't work that way. Dads aren't as good as anticipating their kids' needs, and that kind of attitude is amplified when the parents divorce.

LOL! PP, this is a very generalized statement. May be it was your experience with your ex-H or dad but not everyone's here. What you have mentioned here is more than a decade old; dads are a lot more involved now.I have 50% custody of my kids and know everything from their teachers, doctor's appointment, their fashion, H&m style, eye glasses. Everything from top to bottom. In fact, I think I do a lot more than their mom because she has a busy job. I am seeing higher trend with single moms being checked out of kids' lives these days.

Some women are very controlling and they feel entitled to take care of the kid or get into a competition with their ex. No wonder so many men don't want to be involved. I think they should still be but the court system and the moms make their life very difficult. He all comes around when their own kid start hating them in their teens and older age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Their wives used to keep them informed and tell them what was going on. After the divorce they didn’t pick up that emotional labor.

DIng ding ding!! Winner. Lived personally and through family and friends. Women keep the men informed of dates, times, sizes....then stop. Men have no clue or energy to pick up the slack and actually care. It's an old story.

This is not true or may be for lower or class uneducated families. I am very involved with my kids and have 50% custody. It is about your commitment and no-one needs to tell me about my kids stuff; I stay on top of it and also inform their mom about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Their wives used to keep them informed and tell them what was going on. After the divorce they didn’t pick up that emotional labor.

DIng ding ding!! Winner. Lived personally and through family and friends. Women keep the men informed of dates, times, sizes....then stop. Men have no clue or energy to pick up the slack and actually care. It's an old story.

This is not true or may be for lower or class uneducated families. I am very involved with my kids and have 50% custody. It is about your commitment and no-one needs to tell me about my kids stuff; I stay on top of it and also inform their mom about it.

This is to justify their bad behavior. Mos dads I know are heavily involved and capable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In our case dad knows mom would completely fall apart and lose her mind emotionally in a custody battle and decided to spare kid that experience, felt it was important too to cause mom to have a nervous breakdown. Gave mom primary physical and shared legal custody but mom still had authority to decide most things.

^important NOT to cause mom to have a nervous breakdown

This was a bad choice in my opinion. Your dad did this from compassion but not good for him to make your mentally unfit mother to be responsible for kids. If she won't crack now then something else will give her a breakdown later and then it would be much bigger mess for kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Moms -- just wait until the checked out dads check back in when the kids are older so don't need the type of care as when they were little.
Dad sails in and all is forgiven or at the very least there is such a biological imperative that the kids yearning causes them to be ecstatic he's around.

It's tough and hurtful but you know it's in the kids best interest so you suck it up but it sucks. You did all the hard work but he's on equal footing.

Most of the mom's here will not let the dad's be active and involved parents so its a non-issue.

LOL honey have you ever seen a man volunteer to potty-train his children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Moms -- just wait until the checked out dads check back in when the kids are older so don't need the type of care as when they were little.
Dad sails in and all is forgiven or at the very least there is such a biological imperative that the kids yearning causes them to be ecstatic he's around.

It's tough and hurtful but you know it's in the kids best interest so you suck it up but it sucks. You did all the hard work but he's on equal footing.

Most of the mom's here will not let the dad's be active and involved parents so its a non-issue.

+1. Those dads who "sail in" when the kids are older was probably shut out when kids were too small to initiate/maintain contact on their own. Of course the kids are ecstatic. Mom may have intentionally kept dad at arms length throughout childhood because, "She's the mom and she knows her kids best." and wanted to do all the "hard work" because it was her way or no way. Plus it made good fodder for those mothers with martyrdom syndrome. They could elicit sympathy that they were doing it all alone.

The whole "equal footing" comment proves many see this as a contest for who is the best parent and who deserves the child's affection more.

A child's love for a parent shouldn't be in an equation with bean counting.

Nope. Men are doing the normal thing and avoiding work when they can. I mean wouldn't you skip potty training if that was an option? Wouldn't you skip laundry and cooking and cleaning if it was an option? Of course you would. Women have no choice because they are judged much harsher for the condition of their children.

[Anonymous]

Hahahaha. Dad swings in in the teen years to finally practice sports with his kids, help them stay on top of their schedule, listen to their friend and dating debacles, and help them apply for college??

Yeah right. After never even brushing their hair, making a real meal, doing a soccer drill, planning a weekend trip they suddenly “swing in” and do so?!?

Hahahahha. I’ll have what they’re having.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Moms -- just wait until the checked out dads check back in when the kids are older so don't need the type of care as when they were little.
Dad sails in and all is forgiven or at the very least there is such a biological imperative that the kids yearning causes them to be ecstatic he's around.

It's tough and hurtful but you know it's in the kids best interest so you suck it up but it sucks. You did all the hard work but he's on equal footing.

Most of the mom's here will not let the dad's be active and involved parents so its a non-issue.

LOL honey have you ever seen a man volunteer to potty-train his children?

Yeah, to both of my kids. I am pretty involved and a lot of my other friends are too. Don't blame all men for your poor choices of picking a wrong partner. If he is not doing it then you need to have a firm talk with him or may be you are happy with him earning more, outside chores more which mentally compensate for all the other things he is not doing. The question is on you as why you let him not do this - are you feeling sorry or guilty by asking him to do the work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hahahaha. Dad swings in in the teen years to finally practice sports with his kids, help them stay on top of their schedule, listen to their friend and dating debacles, and help them apply for college??

Yeah right. After never even brushing their hair, making a real meal, doing a soccer drill, planning a weekend trip they suddenly “swing in” and do so?!?

Hahahahha. I’ll have what they’re having.

This would never happen that easily. There is a level of trust build in between kids and their parents and no-one just shows up one day and get to do all this. I think some of the people here forgot to mention all the hard work men do behind the scene that kids also notice.