Step-MIL says she’s not my messenger

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I confided in DH about his stepmom’s behavior and he gave me permission to call FIL. Unfortunately, he wasn’t inside the house so step-MIL answered and basically said she showed him the videos and he said thanks. I didn’t get to speak with him and she was very curt. I asked if they were coming to see us in the summer and she said no without giving an explanation. DH took over and basically started asking if they’d consider moving to our city to provide emotional support and be closer to FIL’s grandchildren and she just said no. DH is upset as she usually is warm toward him and he blames me for “turning her against us”. I’m at a loss that I have no way of reaching FIL to show videos of his grandkids and DH isn’t supporting me,

You and your DH are massive jerks and I hope FIL/SMIL block both of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I confided in DH about his stepmom’s behavior and he gave me permission to call FIL. Unfortunately, he wasn’t inside the house so step-MIL answered and basically said she showed him the videos and he said thanks. I didn’t get to speak with him and she was very curt. I asked if they were coming to see us in the summer and she said no without giving an explanation. DH took over and basically started asking if they’d consider moving to our city to provide emotional support and be closer to FIL’s grandchildren and she just said no. DH is upset as she usually is warm toward him and he blames me for “turning her against us”. I’m at a loss that I have no way of reaching FIL to show videos of his grandkids and DH isn’t supporting me,

The problem is that you are married to an alcoholic who takes no responsibility for his actions and expects everyone around him to enable his alcoholism by fixing his problems for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I confided in DH about his stepmom’s behavior and he gave me permission to call FIL. Unfortunately, he wasn’t inside the house so step-MIL answered and basically said she showed him the videos and he said thanks. I didn’t get to speak with him and she was very curt. I asked if they were coming to see us in the summer and she said no without giving an explanation. DH took over and basically started asking if they’d consider moving to our city to provide emotional support and be closer to FIL’s grandchildren and she just said no. DH is upset as she usually is warm toward him and he blames me for “turning her against us”. I’m at a loss that I have no way of reaching FIL to show videos of his grandkids and DH isn’t supporting me,

Oh my goodness have you tried just talking to your step-MIL as a person versus a vessel for your interpersonal goals between yourself, DH, kids and FIL? Like, spend a few months just getting to know her when you speak to her...

“How are you?

What is going on for you this week?

How was your weekend?

Are you enjoying the (fill in the blank)?

What are you doing for holiday/birthday/whatever?

How are you feeling today?

Have you read anything you’ve enjoyed lately?

Etc etc...

Interactions with people should not be about getting them to do or say something you want. Have you heard of codependency and healthy boundaries?
If someone spoke to me the way you are with your step-MIL I would go nuts. Can you see how you are viewing her as a function of what you want to get out of her and other adjacent relationships? It is honestly really toxic. You sound like a narcissist, albeit with good intentions but a little blind in the self-awareness department.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I confided in DH about his stepmom’s behavior and he gave me permission to call FIL. Unfortunately, he wasn’t inside the house so step-MIL answered and basically said she showed him the videos and he said thanks. I didn’t get to speak with him and she was very curt. I asked if they were coming to see us in the summer and she said no without giving an explanation. DH took over and basically started asking if they’d consider moving to our city to provide emotional support and be closer to FIL’s grandchildren and she just said no. DH is upset as she usually is warm toward him and he blames me for “turning her against us”. I’m at a loss that I have no way of reaching FIL to show videos of his grandkids and DH isn’t supporting me,

Are you saying your FIL doesn’t have a cell phone? You have to call their land line? Because it sounds like your DH gave permission for you to reach out to him and you no longer need to go through MIL. This doesn’t add up, I suspect you are making this up as you go along. Also, it is odd your DH would just get on the phone and ask them to move near you to help out. If you are for real, I imagine they are attempting to set boundaries because you and your DH are a hot mess.

[Anonymous]

Uh. She's definitely right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I confided in DH about his stepmom’s behavior and he gave me permission to call FIL. Unfortunately, he wasn’t inside the house so step-MIL answered and basically said she showed him the videos and he said thanks. I didn’t get to speak with him and she was very curt. I asked if they were coming to see us in the summer and she said no without giving an explanation. DH took over and basically started asking if they’d consider moving to our city to provide emotional support and be closer to FIL’s grandchildren and she just said no. DH is upset as she usually is warm toward him and he blames me for “turning her against us”. I’m at a loss that I have no way of reaching FIL to show videos of his grandkids and DH isn’t supporting me,

Are you saying your FIL doesn’t have a cell phone? You have to call their land line? Because it sounds like your DH gave permission for you to reach out to him and you no longer need to go through MIL. This doesn’t add up, I suspect you are making this up as you go along. Also, it is odd your DH would just get on the phone and ask them to move near you to help out. If you are for real, I imagine they are attempting to set boundaries because you and your DH are a hot mess.

Also your dh goes from preventing you from contacting his father to wanting his father to move to the same town so you can all be close and one big happy family?! I don't get it. Your dh is a terrible communicator and controlling and you are being weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I confided in DH about his stepmom’s behavior and he gave me permission to call FIL. Unfortunately, he wasn’t inside the house so step-MIL answered and basically said she showed him the videos and he said thanks. I didn’t get to speak with him and she was very curt. I asked if they were coming to see us in the summer and she said no without giving an explanation. DH took over and basically started asking if they’d consider moving to our city to provide emotional support and be closer to FIL’s grandchildren and she just said no. DH is upset as she usually is warm toward him and he blames me for “turning her against us”. I’m at a loss that I have no way of reaching FIL to show videos of his grandkids and DH isn’t supporting me,

Are you saying your FIL doesn’t have a cell phone? You have to call their land line? Because it sounds like your DH gave permission for you to reach out to him and you no longer need to go through MIL. This doesn’t add up, I suspect you are making this up as you go along. Also, it is odd your DH would just get on the phone and ask them to move near you to help out. If you are for real, I imagine they are attempting to set boundaries because you and your DH are a hot mess.

Also your dh goes from preventing you from contacting his father to wanting his father to move to the same town so you can all be close and one big happy family?! I don't get it. Your dh is a terrible communicator and controlling and you are being weird.

OP again. DH has been wanting to get in contact with his father but doesn't like me telling about our problems to either side of our families. He's been upset when I've called my sister and BIL over after he damaged some stuff in the house. He hates when I've called FIL before to confide about his drinking and he's sworn me to not doing it again. FIL has a cell phone but it was step-MIL who answered the call because he wasn't right in the house. She probably picked up because she could see I was on caller ID and said he wasn't in. DH has asked his dad before about moving here because he doesn't have family around but I do. FIL just retired and step-MIL WFHs so they can move to our city if they want to.

[Anonymous]

No one wants to see your videos!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I confided in DH about his stepmom’s behavior and he gave me permission to call FIL. Unfortunately, he wasn’t inside the house so step-MIL answered and basically said she showed him the videos and he said thanks. I didn’t get to speak with him and she was very curt. I asked if they were coming to see us in the summer and she said no without giving an explanation. DH took over and basically started asking if they’d consider moving to our city to provide emotional support and be closer to FIL’s grandchildren and she just said no. DH is upset as she usually is warm toward him and he blames me for “turning her against us”. I’m at a loss that I have no way of reaching FIL to show videos of his grandkids and DH isn’t supporting me,

Are you saying your FIL doesn’t have a cell phone? You have to call their land line? Because it sounds like your DH gave permission for you to reach out to him and you no longer need to go through MIL. This doesn’t add up, I suspect you are making this up as you go along. Also, it is odd your DH would just get on the phone and ask them to move near you to help out. If you are for real, I imagine they are attempting to set boundaries because you and your DH are a hot mess.

Also your dh goes from preventing you from contacting his father to wanting his father to move to the same town so you can all be close and one big happy family?! I don't get it. Your dh is a terrible communicator and controlling and you are being weird.

OP again. DH has been wanting to get in contact with his father but doesn't like me telling about our problems to either side of our families. He's been upset when I've called my sister and BIL over after he damaged some stuff in the house. He hates when I've called FIL before to confide about his drinking and he's sworn me to not doing it again. FIL has a cell phone but it was step-MIL who answered the call because he wasn't right in the house. She probably picked up because she could see I was on caller ID and said he wasn't in. DH has asked his dad before about moving here because he doesn't have family around but I do. FIL just retired and step-MIL WFHs so they can move to our city if they want to.

Your dh is a controlling,abusive ass. You are being incredibly disrespectful and obnoxious to your MIL. she's right to call you on your messed up behavior. Deal with Dh and his dysfunction. Your mil is not the problem here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just sent her a few videos of my kids on Facebook messenger and said to please share with FIL. She responds “it seems like your phone is functioning just fine. Why don’t you text him yourself?” To which I said DH doesn’t like me contacting his dad and she wrote back “That’s between you and DH. I’m not your messenger. Every time you message me, it’s a directive to buy something or show FIL videos of DH drunk or your kids. It’s honestly rubbing me the wrong way that you don’t even ask about me but contact me with instructions every single time. You have FIL’s cell phone so you can send him the videos directly.” I’m annoyed that she couldn’t just say ok but had to lecture me like this. Do I tell FIL?

She's right.

[Anonymous]

I’m on team OP. If the step-MIL wrote on DCUM that her stepson’s wife sent her videos of the step grandchildren and she was withholding them from her husband, everyone would calling her the b-word.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m on team OP. If the step-MIL wrote on DCUM that her stepson’s wife sent her videos of the step grandchildren and she was withholding them from her husband, everyone would calling her the b-word.

Maybe. But is the step-MIL also included details around how step-DIL does not ask after her, express interest in her as a person, show genuine care but instead communicates directives and orders her around then no, I don’t think people would call her the b-word at all.

In fact I think people would advise her to draw a strong boundary. That she has been patient enough and that she needs to tell step-DIL directly what is not working and what she needs instead. And if things don’t change, then to create space in their relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m on team OP. If the step-MIL wrote on DCUM that her stepson’s wife sent her videos of the step grandchildren and she was withholding them from her husband, everyone would calling her the b-word.

Maybe. But is the step-MIL also included details around how step-DIL does not ask after her, express interest in her as a person, show genuine care but instead communicates directives and orders her around then no, I don’t think people would call her the b-word at all.

In fact I think people would advise her to draw a strong boundary. That she has been patient enough and that she needs to tell step-DIL directly what is not working and what she needs instead. And if things don’t change, then to create space in their relationship.

Honestly, I don't see what the big deal is. Why should the step-DIL express interest in her when she's just the wife of the FIL and not the children's true grandmother? If I got messages like that, I'd roll my eyes, sure, but I wouldn't be pissy about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH has an alcohol problem he is seeking treatment for. FIL doesn’t take his calls anymore. I just wanted to share the videos with their grandfather. I don’t see what his wife would have against it and why she can’t do it when they live in the same house. I used to send the videos of DH drunk to prove that he was abusing alcohol at the time and I didn’t ask my step-MIL for money except to support my MLM business by buying a few products. She didn’t respond to that message so I thought she just ignored me.

I’m truly sorry and wish you the best, but they don’t want your drama, honey.

[Anonymous]

Pp. oops! Missed the MLM part! Good one, lol!