Step-MIL says she’s not my messenger

[Anonymous]

OP, your in-laws don't want to take on your problems. It sounds like it has already put some strain on them and they are trying to step back. Your DH has serious problems and you probably need to divorce him. You need to try to build a support network of people who are willing and able to provide support rather than try to force others into that role. And remember that you are a grown woman with your own agency who can make her own decisions without anyone's permission.

As for your step-MIL, if you have the energy and want to preserve the relationship try sending her a note to say happy birthday, happy Mother's Day, etc. Ask her about her day. If you don't have it in you, that's ok, but leave her alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your in-laws don't want to take on your problems. It sounds like it has already put some strain on them and they are trying to step back. Your DH has serious problems and you probably need to divorce him. You need to try to build a support network of people who are willing and able to provide support rather than try to force others into that role. And remember that you are a grown woman with your own agency who can make her own decisions without anyone's permission.

As for your step-MIL, if you have the energy and want to preserve the relationship try sending her a note to say happy birthday, happy Mother's Day, etc. Ask her about her day. If you don't have it in you, that's ok, but leave her alone.

OP again. I don't actually know when her birthday is, and she's younger than me and doesn't have children so wishing her Happy Mother's Day wouldn't work. She doesn't wish me anything or like any of my posts on Facebook. That's why I had to send her the videos to make sure she knew of them and could pass them on to FIL. I think I will block her on Facebook since she isn't obviously isn't happy to hear from me or updates about my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your in-laws don't want to take on your problems. It sounds like it has already put some strain on them and they are trying to step back. Your DH has serious problems and you probably need to divorce him. You need to try to build a support network of people who are willing and able to provide support rather than try to force others into that role. And remember that you are a grown woman with your own agency who can make her own decisions without anyone's permission.

As for your step-MIL, if you have the energy and want to preserve the relationship try sending her a note to say happy birthday, happy Mother's Day, etc. Ask her about her day. If you don't have it in you, that's ok, but leave her alone.

OP again. I don't actually know when her birthday is, and she's younger than me and doesn't have children so wishing her Happy Mother's Day wouldn't work. She doesn't wish me anything or like any of my posts on Facebook. That's why I had to send her the videos to make sure she knew of them and could pass them on to FIL. I think I will block her on Facebook since she isn't obviously isn't happy to hear from me or updates about my kids.

Your expectations of her are like those of a mother/mil, so you honor that and wish her a happy mother's day. You should know when her birthday is, and the fact that you don't shows you have no interest in her and just use her.

[Anonymous]

Also blocking on facebook is ridiculous and childish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your in-laws don't want to take on your problems. It sounds like it has already put some strain on them and they are trying to step back. Your DH has serious problems and you probably need to divorce him. You need to try to build a support network of people who are willing and able to provide support rather than try to force others into that role. And remember that you are a grown woman with your own agency who can make her own decisions without anyone's permission.

As for your step-MIL, if you have the energy and want to preserve the relationship try sending her a note to say happy birthday, happy Mother's Day, etc. Ask her about her day. If you don't have it in you, that's ok, but leave her alone.

OP again. I don't actually know when her birthday is, and she's younger than me and doesn't have children so wishing her Happy Mother's Day wouldn't work. She doesn't wish me anything or like any of my posts on Facebook. That's why I had to send her the videos to make sure she knew of them and could pass them on to FIL. I think I will block her on Facebook since she isn't obviously isn't happy to hear from me or updates about my kids.

Why block? Just don't contact her. That way she doesn't hear from you, AND you don't introduce more unnecessary drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I applaud step-MIL for using her words! Of course her words sting, but she's right: why do you always expect her to bear the brunt of the situation between your husband and his father? Why don't you ask how she's doing before you use her as intermediary?

Come on, OP. This is practically internalized misogyny, where your husband and FIL get stuff they want, but the women have to run around and do the work.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your in-laws don't want to take on your problems. It sounds like it has already put some strain on them and they are trying to step back. Your DH has serious problems and you probably need to divorce him. You need to try to build a support network of people who are willing and able to provide support rather than try to force others into that role. And remember that you are a grown woman with your own agency who can make her own decisions without anyone's permission.

As for your step-MIL, if you have the energy and want to preserve the relationship try sending her a note to say happy birthday, happy Mother's Day, etc. Ask her about her day. If you don't have it in you, that's ok, but leave her alone.

OP again. I don't actually know when her birthday is, and she's younger than me and doesn't have children so wishing her Happy Mother's Day wouldn't work. She doesn't wish me anything or like any of my posts on Facebook. That's why I had to send her the videos to make sure she knew of them and could pass them on to FIL. I think I will block her on Facebook since she isn't obviously isn't happy to hear from me or updates about my kids.

Now who is being immature? Retaliating isn't putting your best face forward and you're basically showing her that you're so emotionally stunted that all you can do is have a tantrum. She has told you that she doesn't want to be your intermediary with the children's grandfather and so you're now taking it one step further and attributing all sorts of emotion to her comment. She didn't like that you were making HER do YOUR heavy lifting. I don't blame her. I don't understand why you didn't send a text to BOTH of them AT THE SAME TIME: Hi Ricky and Brenda Sue, here are some cute videos of the kids. To see them you need to do xyz. Love you lots! Kiki. This way you give them both access and they can decide if they want to view it or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I confided in DH about his stepmom’s behavior and he gave me permission to call FIL. Unfortunately, he wasn’t inside the house so step-MIL answered and basically said she showed him the videos and he said thanks. I didn’t get to speak with him and she was very curt. I asked if they were coming to see us in the summer and she said no without giving an explanation. DH took over and basically started asking if they’d consider moving to our city to provide emotional support and be closer to FIL’s grandchildren and she just said no. DH is upset as she usually is warm toward him and he blames me for “turning her against us”. I’m at a loss that I have no way of reaching FIL to show videos of his grandkids and DH isn’t supporting me,

Ok, THIS is a bridge waaaayyyyy too far. I was on team OP. Asking to show videos, NBD. Asking to MOVE to provide "support" of whatever type? No, just no.

OP you stay OUT of this and leave it to your DH. Send a Xmas card to the house with pics of the kids. That's it.

[Anonymous]

O.M.G.

Team stepmother all the way. That poor woman must be wishing she never married into this family.

[Anonymous]

Reading this thread made my Monday morning! What’s this other thread by the OP that some of you have mentioned? OP seems to be a taker and I can see why the step-MIL is keeping her at arms’ length. If the FIL requires any assistance, I don’t think OP will provide any and it will fall entirely on his wife. And yet, she’s expecting them to care for her kids 24/7 “for a few days”. No, no, and no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH has an alcohol problem he is seeking treatment for. FIL doesn’t take his calls anymore. I just wanted to share the videos with their grandfather. I don’t see what his wife would have against it and why she can’t do it when they live in the same house. I used to send the videos of DH drunk to prove that he was abusing alcohol at the time and I didn’t ask my step-MIL for money except to support my MLM business by buying a few products. She didn’t respond to that message so I thought she just ignored me.

You’re laying on the troll cliches awfully thick, OP.

Right? Anyone who sells MLM does not refer to it as MLM.

[Anonymous]

Oh the trolling on this thread gets better and better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh the trolling on this thread gets better and better.

What makes you think it's a troll? It genuinely sounds like a clueless mombie who thinks she gets special treatment based on the production of grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

Based on the other thread, the OP’s step-MIL is younger than her so there would be a wide age gap between her and FIL. If that’s the case, I can bet you that FIL much prefers enjoying his wife than enjoying his snotty nose grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds to me like you may benefit from AlAnon and maybe some counselling. I’m trying to figure out if your codependent, an enabler, or something else entirely.

Your DHs family is setting boundaries with both of you, and there is nothing wrong with that.