DH has had a standing fri night zoom call with college buddies since pandemic began

[Anonymous]

I would’ve been pissed as well, but I wouldn’t have yelled at him in front of his friends. I’ve been that person who got yelled at or embarrassed in front of friends before. It’s a dealbreaker. Fights should not happen in front of others. Keep that shit private. In this case, I would’ve gotten his attention, told him to get off the call, and do what he promised to do.

[Anonymous]

If it wasn’t a school night, I wouldn’t have gotten involved. He was handling the kid and I was free to do my own thing. One late Friday night will not ruin a kid.

[Anonymous]

So do your own thing on your night and leave him with the kids! Simple, he will learn fast. Don't begrudge him one night, think... he could be going to all boys retreats if it was normal time! Or to football games for hours.
Instead, on Saturday night, go to the grocery store, outlet store, for a 2,3-hour shopping spree, walking around, buying everything at Lidl, Aldi, Costco, that you might normally do with him or not at that hour. Clearly, limited options during the coronavirus, but still plenty do too. Do on a drive!
Don't be an effing martyr, do what you want, and stop being resentful.

[Anonymous]

How would you feel if your dh yelled at you in front of your friends?
What is wrong with the pps lately here? It sounds like all niceties of behavior are disappearing. What happened to don't air your dirty laundry in public?
Sure, times are tough, but come on, save it for when you are alone.

[Anonymous]

Advice for all younger women.
Do what you like and want and do it on regular basis. Nothing worse than a resentful spouse who is nasty, biting, but never actually goes to do things that they want.
Do you know how your male partner does this? Doesn't ask your permission for a simple thing as a zoom call? Do the same.
I go skiing on my own. I used to go to the movies, on my own. I go shopping on my own. I go on 2 hours walks, on my own(ok there is the dog too!).
I travel to Europe, on my own. I go on beach vacations on my own. I am also a great mom and a wife, and I do not resent my DH when he does things on his own.
You are welcome.

[Anonymous]

Here’s how I look at it. When it’s DHs turn to handle something, I simply don’t do it. Your DH did not come into the room asking you to do it, he had control of the kid. So he didn’t do it “the regular way”. Unless you thought the kid was playing with knives or drinking bleach, you should have just dialed in to your call. If kid came looking for you, direct him to his father. No sympathy, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here’s how I look at it. When it’s DHs turn to handle something, I simply don’t do it. Your DH did not come into the room asking you to do it, he had control of the kid. So he didn’t do it “the regular way”. Unless you thought the kid was playing with knives or drinking bleach, you should have just dialed in to your call. If kid came looking for you, direct him to his father. No sympathy, OP.

Except you don't play chicken with your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it wasn’t a school night, I wouldn’t have gotten involved. He was handling the kid and I was free to do my own thing. One late Friday night will not ruin a kid.

This. How old is the child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s how I look at it. When it’s DHs turn to handle something, I simply don’t do it. Your DH did not come into the room asking you to do it, he had control of the kid. So he didn’t do it “the regular way”. Unless you thought the kid was playing with knives or drinking bleach, you should have just dialed in to your call. If kid came looking for you, direct him to his father. No sympathy, OP.

Except you don't play chicken with your child.

+1
In this situation, the kid ends up in the middle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:this whole time, i have put our older, harder to get to bed child to bed on fri nights since March so he could do this call. This week several friends, including one with covid, asked to do a fri night zoom call. I told him in advance and asked if he could deal with tougher bedtime kid.

I put younger child to bed, house was silent and dark and assumed older was asleep too when DH logged onto his standing zoom call. Turns out, he had not even bothered to read to older child, he had handed him his phone to watch youtube in a dark room -- our bedroom -- while continuing with his fri night business like he has for the past 10 months. I lost it and started shouting.

He begged off his call and now says I am an abusive spouse who has embarrassed him.

I would have been a little annoyed but you overreacted. You realize this is a small misdemeanor not a felony, right? It was absurd to yell at him in front of his friends. He is right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here’s how I look at it. When it’s DHs turn to handle something, I simply don’t do it. Your DH did not come into the room asking you to do it, he had control of the kid. So he didn’t do it “the regular way”. Unless you thought the kid was playing with knives or drinking bleach, you should have just dialed in to your call. If kid came looking for you, direct him to his father. No sympathy, OP.

This. Exactly why women get a rep as controlling shrews.

[Anonymous]

But dh did not handle it. He did not actually do what he said, which was handle bedtimes. Its as if I was always the one to cook dinner, and we do take out 1x per week aamitnis. Sure I would like to do take out more than I do but it's not healthy and it's expensive. We agreed once was good. So if I asked dh to start cooking 1x per week and he did take out out on his *one* night I would be pissed. Noparenting and frankly marriage is about sometimes sacrificing your personal time for kids but if you do it equitably you don't have built up resentment.


Also I have a standing happy hour every Friday. It it's 5:30-630 and that's dhs night to deal with dinner. A few times he's had a happy hour or wanted to do something and I've adjusted. Plenty of weeks during this pandemic that someone in the group skips out for other responsibilities or commitments.

The issue is not that the kids was up late with a screen. The issue is that the dh unilaterally decided every Friday night he does what he wants while relying on OP to keep the schedule and deal with the kids and refused to do the same for her even.once

[Anonymous]

He needs to have his social calls AFTER putting his children to bed. If that means 8pm bedtime and then 8:30pm call start then that’s what it means.

[Anonymous]

More screen time is a terrible idea foe right before bed, foe any age kid.

Is he always this passive aggressive and kids last/ get back at you?

[Anonymous]

I curious what he actually does with his kids on weekdays at all.

Does he help with virtual classes logistics?
Homework?
Morning routine of self care? (Teeth,dress, tidy up, brush hair)
Morning breakfast an eat together?
Lunch and eat together?
Dinner and eat together?
Walks or sports drills together?
Bedtime routine of self care? (Teeth, pjs, tidy up, read)

If he’s doing his part in all of the above then try to work in a social call night for each of you.

If things are vastly lopsided, or worse he hasn’t adapted his parenting life to kids at home all day long, then social calls and working out need to be worked out and altering mutually taking care of the kids.

You need self care and social time and exercise as well. But he shouldn’t use kids as a bargaining chip and drop the ball on them. Routine and structure are everything during elementary school and especially if there’s a “difficult child,” LD, or attention issues.