DH has had a standing fri night zoom call with college buddies since pandemic began

[Anonymous]

You're both wrong. He was wrong for not handling bed time. You were wrong for screaming at him. It's your fault you got so angry you had to cancel your zoom.

[Anonymous]

Cant he just put the older kid to bed later? I would have just gotten on my zoom call and let hubby deal with the kid. If I planned to do my call where the kid was hanging out then I would tell him to go wherever dad is. Let him figure it out and stop dictating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But dh did not handle it. He did not actually do what he said, which was handle bedtimes. Its as if I was always the one to cook dinner, and we do take out 1x per week aamitnis. Sure I would like to do take out more than I do but it's not healthy and it's expensive. We agreed once was good. So if I asked dh to start cooking 1x per week and he did take out out on his *one* night I would be pissed. Noparenting and frankly marriage is about sometimes sacrificing your personal time for kids but if you do it equitably you don't have built up resentment.


Also I have a standing happy hour every Friday. It it's 5:30-630 and that's dhs night to deal with dinner. A few times he's had a happy hour or wanted to do something and I've adjusted. Plenty of weeks during this pandemic that someone in the group skips out for other responsibilities or commitments.

The issue is not that the kids was up late with a screen. The issue is that the dh unilaterally decided every Friday night he does what he wants while relying on OP to keep the schedule and deal with the kids and refused to do the same for her even.once

OP has never used her words to tell her husband she doesn't like the arrangement- its been 10 mos!! How would he know? He has the kid. The kid is watching a video. He did not ask her to put the kid to bed. Maybe he doesnt see the big deal with keeping the kid up a little bit later on a Fri night. If OP won't actually hsve a discussion then its really her fault for not taking any personal time.

[Anonymous]

Your DH sounds selfish. He can miss one call. But you embarrassed him. I cannot believe you yelled at him WHILE he was on his call. That's awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:More screen time is a terrible idea foe right before bed, foe any age kid.

Is he always this passive aggressive and kids last/ get back at you?

I don’t think he was passive aggressive, just lazy. He didn’t want to deal with kid so gave him a screen to keep him quiet until mom was free to deal with him. Pretty crappy, but typical lazy dad move

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:this whole time, i have put our older, harder to get to bed child to bed on fri nights since March so he could do this call. This week several friends, including one with covid, asked to do a fri night zoom call. I told him in advance and asked if he could deal with tougher bedtime kid.

I put younger child to bed, house was silent and dark and assumed older was asleep too when DH logged onto his standing zoom call. Turns out, he had not even bothered to read to older child, he had handed him his phone to watch youtube in a dark room -- our bedroom -- while continuing with his fri night business like he has for the past 10 months. I lost it and started shouting.

He begged off his call and now says I am an abusive spouse who has embarrassed him.

What exactly are they doing in this call? Is it purely socializing?

My family has had a massive conference call weekly since thus started. It’s mainly pragmatic. Is everyone still healthy? Who needs money? Do any of the kids need tutoring?

[Anonymous]

We all make adjustments with someone we love. I understand your disappointment and frustration. Yeah, it sucks to lose your temper or being on the receiving end of it. Hoping he wisely used his mute button and cancels tonight’s call. A standing date zoom is not holy ground.

[Anonymous]

I blame this on pandemic fatigue. Both apologize, communicate your needs calmly and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. These posts are in bizarro world. OP, rest assured every rational, logical person with cognitive function who reads your post would side with you.

Wrong.

OP initiated the conflict on purpose because she’s been stewing with resentment about DH’s time with friends.

Then, DH handled the bedtime issue in a perfectly rational way. Let the kid relax with some screen time on Saturday night so both mom and dad can do their thing. But OH NO!! OP didn’t just want him to handle it, she wanted it done exactly her way. And exactly in a way where DH would need to cancel his plans.

And when OP learned what happened, she lost all control, made herself a martyr over a stupid and mundane issue, then started screaming at her husband “in public” like a lunatic. That is childish, embarrassing behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I curious what he actually does with his kids on weekdays at all.

Does he help with virtual classes logistics?
Homework?
Morning routine of self care? (Teeth,dress, tidy up, brush hair)
Morning breakfast an eat together?
Lunch and eat together?
Dinner and eat together?
Walks or sports drills together?
Bedtime routine of self care? (Teeth, pjs, tidy up, read)

If he’s doing his part in all of the above then try to work in a social call night for each of you.

If things are vastly lopsided, or worse he hasn’t adapted his parenting life to kids at home all day long, then social calls and working out need to be worked out and altering mutually taking care of the kids.

You need self care and social time and exercise as well. But he shouldn’t use kids as a bargaining chip and drop the ball on them. Routine and structure are everything during elementary school and especially if there’s a “difficult child,” LD, or attention issues.

Great questions, perspective and gets to an underlying issue if there is one driving his or her behavior.

If he has a pattern of laziness and avoidance of parental responsibilities they need professional help.

If this was a one off, then they both should be mature enough to both apologize, move in and not have either lasting parenting or an outburst happen again.

[Anonymous]

Hiding behind an early Frat zoom call every Friday to not properly take care of multiple children, including a difficult one, is not cool.

I would have escalated that to a head months ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s how I look at it. When it’s DHs turn to handle something, I simply don’t do it. Your DH did not come into the room asking you to do it, he had control of the kid. So he didn’t do it “the regular way”. Unless you thought the kid was playing with knives or drinking bleach, you should have just dialed in to your call. If kid came looking for you, direct him to his father. No sympathy, OP.

Except you don't play chicken with your child.

+1
In this situation, the kid ends up in the middle.

Kid did not end up in the middle. Kid was happily in a bed with a phone watching a video and not bothering anyone. Dad took care of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. These posts are in bizarro world. OP, rest assured every rational, logical person with cognitive function who reads your post would side with you.

Wrong.

OP initiated the conflict on purpose because she’s been stewing with resentment about DH’s time with friends.

Then, DH handled the bedtime issue in a perfectly rational way. Let the kid relax with some screen time on Saturday night so both mom and dad can do their thing. But OH NO!! OP didn’t just want him to handle it, she wanted it done exactly her way. And exactly in a way where DH would need to cancel his plans.

And when OP learned what happened, she lost all control, made herself a martyr over a stupid and mundane issue, then started screaming at her husband “in public” like a lunatic. That is childish, embarrassing behavior.

I mostly agree with PP. Would I have been annoyed with how DH handled it? Sure. But I would have talked to him about it later. Op lost control over her emotions and how to handle things, and that's not ok either. It sounds like she's been annoyed by this zoom call for awhile but hasn't said anything. That's her own fault. I can't agree with someone who loses control of their emotions like OP did. They were both wrong. One person being wrong doesn't make the other person right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Advice for all younger women.
Do what you like and want and do it on regular basis. Nothing worse than a resentful spouse who is nasty, biting, but never actually goes to do things that they want.
Do you know how your male partner does this? Doesn't ask your permission for a simple thing as a zoom call? Do the same.
I go skiing on my own. I used to go to the movies, on my own. I go shopping on my own. I go on 2 hours walks, on my own(ok there is the dog too!).
I travel to Europe, on my own. I go on beach vacations on my own. I am also a great mom and a wife, and I do not resent my DH when he does things on his own.
You are welcome.

How old are your kids currently?

[Anonymous]

Some of these responses are so odd to me. It has to be trolling, right?

I have a standing social zoom call with my girlfriends once a week and, on the few occasions when DH has had a conflicting social call or or other obligation I gladly encourage him to do it and skip a night with my friends. I get to see them every week! And when he does his call, I take appropriate care of our children just as he does when I am on my call.

What is this childish nonsense about never missing a reoccurring social call and refusing to put your kid to bed? He needs to grow up, he has kids.