Am I Asking Husband To Do Too Much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband has not been pulling his weight lately and thinks I’m asking for too much. We welcomed our first child ( 10 weeks old) a couple of months ago. He took paternity leave and was wonderful. He spent time bonding with the baby, did housework, and waited on me with food and water. He’s been back at work for a month now and things have taken a 180. He has not done much besides spending a couple of hours a day with the baby. I’m doing most of the childcare and housework. I have told him multiple times he needs to do more things, but he has said I should handle it since he works all day. I understand he works all day but I’m exhausted too. Having to care for a baby, who often needs to be held for naps, is not easy. He said there is ample time for me to get housework done while baby naps, but I disagree. I’m also getting up with baby once at night. I’m going back to work PT in January and told him this won’t work for me. He said he will help out more once I’m back at work, but feels I should be doing most of the childcare and housework because I’m home. I feel me asking for more help is fair. I don’t know if being unreasonable with my expectations.

My husband had the same unreasonable response. Once I went back to work, he took two weeks off to be at home with the baby. That was eye opening on his part and thereafter the workloads were more equitable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Team DH here. An infant that little doesn’t require much. I doubt it takes you all day to do all of those things. Cleaning maintenance only tasks an hour a day tops.

If the baby sleeps in 90 minute chunks like mine did, the OP is getting no REM sleep and is too tired to do housework.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team DH here. An infant that little doesn’t require much. I doubt it takes you all day to do all of those things. Cleaning maintenance only tasks an hour a day tops.

If the baby sleeps in 90 minute chunks like mine did, the OP is getting no REM sleep and is too tired to do housework.

OP here. My baby is a great night sleeper. The problem is I still have to wake up to pump. It’s exhausting when you’re literally feeding, pumping, playing, holding baby in carrier for sleep, and then cleaning. Then waking up to do that at night. Plus all of the other stuff. I can just stop cleaning because then things will pile up and it will turn into a fight. I would also be more than willing to happily do the housework if he spent more time with the baby. He’s spend an hour a day during the week, and maybe 2 hours tops in short increments on the weekends. I still do all the feedings, diaper changes, and naps on the weekends.

I’m a little surprised by the responses. I thought after seeing many posts on here of women who say most of their husbands don’t do anything and it’s need to be 50/50, I was expecting more people to say he isn’t doing enough. Maybe I’m asking for too much. I will just continue and hope it gets better when I go back to work. I need to do therapy so this resentment doesn’t build.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team DH here. An infant that little doesn’t require much. I doubt it takes you all day to do all of those things. Cleaning maintenance only tasks an hour a day tops.

If the baby sleeps in 90 minute chunks like mine did, the OP is getting no REM sleep and is too tired to do housework.

OP here. My baby is a great night sleeper. The problem is I still have to wake up to pump. It’s exhausting when you’re literally feeding, pumping, playing, holding baby in carrier for sleep, and then cleaning. Then waking up to do that at night. Plus all of the other stuff. I can just stop cleaning because then things will pile up and it will turn into a fight. I would also be more than willing to happily do the housework if he spent more time with the baby. He’s spend an hour a day during the week, and maybe 2 hours tops in short increments on the weekends. I still do all the feedings, diaper changes, and naps on the weekends.

I’m a little surprised by the responses. I thought after seeing many posts on here of women who say most of their husbands don’t do anything and it’s need to be 50/50, I was expecting more people to say he isn’t doing enough. Maybe I’m asking for too much. I will just continue and hope it gets better when I go back to work. I need to do therapy so this resentment doesn’t build.

You can stop pumping. You don't' want to do it, so stop. The husband doesn't get a vote.

Leave the baby with DH. Tell him he's in charge of the baby on the weekend , and then leave the house. If he still does nothing then you truly have a husband problem and need a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team DH here. An infant that little doesn’t require much. I doubt it takes you all day to do all of those things. Cleaning maintenance only tasks an hour a day tops.

If the baby sleeps in 90 minute chunks like mine did, the OP is getting no REM sleep and is too tired to do housework.

OP here. My baby is a great night sleeper. The problem is I still have to wake up to pump. It’s exhausting when you’re literally feeding, pumping, playing, holding baby in carrier for sleep, and then cleaning. Then waking up to do that at night. Plus all of the other stuff. I can just stop cleaning because then things will pile up and it will turn into a fight. I would also be more than willing to happily do the housework if he spent more time with the baby. He’s spend an hour a day during the week, and maybe 2 hours tops in short increments on the weekends. I still do all the feedings, diaper changes, and naps on the weekends.

I’m a little surprised by the responses. I thought after seeing many posts on here of women who say most of their husbands don’t do anything and it’s need to be 50/50, I was expecting more people to say he isn’t doing enough. Maybe I’m asking for too much. I will just continue and hope it gets better when I go back to work. I need to do therapy so this resentment doesn’t build.

I think the problem here is that you said the baby is very good and mostly sleeps. The only thing you’re complaining about is your beauty rest being interrupted by a pump schedule which surprise will happen when you have a newborn.

The child isn’t fussy, colic or disturbing you. You just haven’t adjusted from I’m guessing the last 10 or so years living as a SINK or DINK when sleep wasn’t in short supply and there were no arguments with a spouse that a little wine couldn’t fix.

You have relationship growing pains.

[Anonymous]

Your husband:

1. insists the house be immaculate as a way of dealing with his mental health issues; does not clean
2. insists you exclusively pump so you're sleeping in three-hour increments
3. barely watches the baby over the weekend.

You need to immediately cut back on cleaning and introduce formula. This will improve your life and will make the weekdays doable. If he won't more fully participate in parenting on the weekends, you should do what you need to take care of yourself, whether that means getting help from a friend or a babysitter or outsourcing chores. Laundry is a good one if you don't want anyone coming into your house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team DH here. An infant that little doesn’t require much. I doubt it takes you all day to do all of those things. Cleaning maintenance only tasks an hour a day tops.

If the baby sleeps in 90 minute chunks like mine did, the OP is getting no REM sleep and is too tired to do housework.

OP here. My baby is a great night sleeper. The problem is I still have to wake up to pump. It’s exhausting when you’re literally feeding, pumping, playing, holding baby in carrier for sleep, and then cleaning. Then waking up to do that at night. Plus all of the other stuff. I can just stop cleaning because then things will pile up and it will turn into a fight. I would also be more than willing to happily do the housework if he spent more time with the baby. He’s spend an hour a day during the week, and maybe 2 hours tops in short increments on the weekends. I still do all the feedings, diaper changes, and naps on the weekends.

I’m a little surprised by the responses. I thought after seeing many posts on here of women who say most of their husbands don’t do anything and it’s need to be 50/50, I was expecting more people to say he isn’t doing enough. Maybe I’m asking for too much. I will just continue and hope it gets better when I go back to work. I need to do therapy so this resentment doesn’t build.

I think the problem here is that you said the baby is very good and mostly sleeps. The only thing you’re complaining about is your beauty rest being interrupted by a pump schedule which surprise will happen when you have a newborn.

The child isn’t fussy, colic or disturbing you. You just haven’t adjusted from I’m guessing the last 10 or so years living as a SINK or DINK when sleep wasn’t in short supply and there were no arguments with a spouse that a little wine couldn’t fix.

You have relationship growing pains.

This is rude and unnecessary. OPs husband is lazy as hell. All he does is work. He doesn’t interact with their child or do anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team DH here. An infant that little doesn’t require much. I doubt it takes you all day to do all of those things. Cleaning maintenance only tasks an hour a day tops.

OP you sound lazy. An normal infant isn’t that much work. Plus you have a weekly cleaning lady. You have nothing to complain about, sorry.

OP here. I’m not lazy. We have a bi-weekly cleaning lady who does deep cleaning. I do everything else while trying to pump to get my supply up, and recovering from a fourth degree tear. I still wake up multiple times while baby sleeps to pump because my husband doesn’t want him on formula.

Do you even have a kid or are you a man who spends no time with his child like some of the other posters?

Yes, I have three of them, all breastfed, they all wanted to be held all day, two had colic until 4 months old.

Now I’m done being snarky. I see your problem and it isn’t your DH. It is pumping. You are fighting a battle you are likely going to lose and going about it wrong. If you’ve been home with your baby and breastfeeding on demand for the past 10 weeks, there is no need to pump all the time and wake in the night to pump. You feed your baby when they are hungry. They will go in spurts when they want to breastfeed what seems like all day long, hardly taking a break at all. That is normal, and that is how your supply increases to meet their demand. It does not mean your supply is low. The pump messes up the supply/demand. You cannot fix this with a pump. And if you are barely hanging on now with breastfeeding and trying to pump, it will be complete game over when you go back to work. The pumping is making you crazy. I’ve seen this time and time again. Drop the pumping, feed your baby as frequently as he wants, even if it is every hr. If he is a good sleeper, pump ONCE two hours after your final feed at bedtime, before you go to sleep yourself. That will help build a stash to have when you go back to work and if he is only waking once at night to feed, your body should have a couple hrs after you pumped to replenish.


And get a ergo or baby wrap. Wear baby in wrap while he naps so you can move about and use both hands to get things done.

Sorry but you’re an idiot who knows very little about breastfeeding. You’re lucky you never dealt with supply issues. Many women have to pump after feeding because they don’t make enough. Many have to pump during the night to keep their supply up. Pumps don’t mess up supply. You sound very uneducated on this matter. Many women will have low supply no matter what they do. No amount of feeding will ever work.

OP here. I don’t actually nurse. Baby refused to latch and no LC could help us. I exclusively pump and bottle feed. I don’t make that much and I need to wake every 3 hours at night to pump in order to make enough for baby to eat. I have tried reducing pumping or skipping a pumping session at night, and it decreased my supply. I pumped 8 times a day ( every 3 hours) to get what baby needs.

My husband doesn’t want to supplement because he feels I should pump and feed since I’m home. He wants to make sure our baby is getting the best nutrition during the pandemic and flu/cold season. I do agree but I would be fine with supplementing. I don’t want to fight with him on it so I just wake up to pump.

OP here. This is my schedule. I pump 7, 10, 1, 4, 7, 10, 1, and 4/4:30. Baby eats 7, 9:30, 12, 3, 6, 7:30, and around 4am. I make 24-28oz ( 3-4oz per 20-30 minute pump session) to feed him. I have tried many things and nothing has really increased my supply or helped me be able to go a long stretch without pumping. I lose my supply every time I do. I guess I wouldn’t say I have low supply since it’s average, but I need to wake up to pump in order to get that amount.

Cut out the 1am pump. You will feel a million times better. If that drops your supply enough that you have to supplement a little, so what. Going back to work is highly likely to drop your supply too. You will likely need to supplement whether you want to or not in the very near future as baby is going to only want more milk (peak is around 5 months) and you can’t really pump much more frequently than you already are. Your supply is not going to keep up. Not trying to be discouraging, but it is just reality. There really is no sense in torturing yourself to pump round the clock. If you slept better you wouldn’t feel so overwhelmed in the day. One baby (and mom) that sleeps well at night, even if naps he wants to be held, isn’t that much work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Team DH here. An infant that little doesn’t require much. I doubt it takes you all day to do all of those things. Cleaning maintenance only tasks an hour a day tops.

and where is the rolling around laughing one?

[Anonymous]

You're unlikely to fix the husband so fix what you can. Stop pumping in the night and supplement with formula. You can only do what you can do and missing so much sleep is really really bad for YOU. That makes you incapable of functioning in the long run and is NOT ok.

Stop interacting with your baby so much. Babies are honestly fine in a bouncy seat while you chat and clean up the kitchen or flip through a magazine. 10-week-olds don't need so much playtime!

Up your cleaning people to at least once a week, possibly even more until you feel more stable. Throw some money at the problem!

[Anonymous]

You don’t go out and you don’t drive
You don’t want to pump (and I don’t blame you)

You are depressed, bored and resentful.

You are making your own hell.
Call your doctor and tell them you are depressed and need help.

Get out the house once a day even if it’s just for a walk. It’s not too cold and the baby will be fine.

Call a friend to get out of the house and drive you somewhere for a walk in a different location - park, etc

Pump during the day. Supplement at night. If your supply falls off so be it. Just do it and let your DH argue with himself because you walk away. No one will ever say you are a good mother because you don’t breastfeed exclusively. And if you ever need a professional to prove it, I am sure your doctor can vouch for the fact that there is no evidence, proof, or logic that says breastfeeding makes you a better person.

If you find yourself coming up with a list of reasons why you could not do these things go back to the first thing - call your doctor about your depression - and start there

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team DH here. An infant that little doesn’t require much. I doubt it takes you all day to do all of those things. Cleaning maintenance only tasks an hour a day tops.

and where is the rolling around laughing one?

Clearly you never exclusively pumped for an infant who wouldn’t nap unless being held. This was my mat leave. Feed baby, change baby, pump while entertaining baby in bouncer or floor toys. Pray they don’t need to move around too much (harder as they get older and more curious.) grab whatever you can to eat or drink before attempting to put baby down for nap 1/4. End up sitting with them in chair so they nap for more than 15 minutes. Repeat. Do most of the night feedings - baby woke up like 4-5 times a night- because I was “home.” The sleep deprivation is real, as much as a joy parenting is, and exclusive pumping on top of a not well sleeping baby is HARD.

OP, I too had to pump like 8 times a day to build my supply. Struggled with the same things you did with my husband- I was “home” so it was all my job even though I was busy all day between taking care of the baby and pumping (and cleaning/preparing the endless amounts of bottles and pump parts) and taking care of the house the best I could. exclusive pumping adds a lot of stress. I don’t wish I hadn’t done it, but I don’t know if I’d do it again without at least supplementing. The fact that your husband is a jerk about that is unreasonable because it falls solely on you. If you are struggling or depressed, something has to give- you need more help, be it from your DH or outside help, or you can give up pumping and get more time back to do other things like chores and sleep, god forbid.

[Anonymous]

I’m so grateful for my husband after reading this; I’ll have to make sure to thank him for taking such good care of me and baby for the past 5 months. Will have to break him off a lil something extra.

[Anonymous]

OP stop pumping, that’s for sure! You DH needs to be doing 50% of the work while he is home at a minimum, and taking the baby so you can rest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team DH here. An infant that little doesn’t require much. I doubt it takes you all day to do all of those things. Cleaning maintenance only tasks an hour a day tops.

If the baby sleeps in 90 minute chunks like mine did, the OP is getting no REM sleep and is too tired to do housework.

OP here. My baby is a great night sleeper. The problem is I still have to wake up to pump. It’s exhausting when you’re literally feeding, pumping, playing, holding baby in carrier for sleep, and then cleaning. Then waking up to do that at night. Plus all of the other stuff. I can just stop cleaning because then things will pile up and it will turn into a fight. I would also be more than willing to happily do the housework if he spent more time with the baby. He’s spend an hour a day during the week, and maybe 2 hours tops in short increments on the weekends. I still do all the feedings, diaper changes, and naps on the weekends.

I’m a little surprised by the responses. I thought after seeing many posts on here of women who say most of their husbands don’t do anything and it’s need to be 50/50, I was expecting more people to say he isn’t doing enough. Maybe I’m asking for too much. I will just continue and hope it gets better when I go back to work. I need to do therapy so this resentment doesn’t build.

I would get him into couples therapy now. He’s making you do 100% of the domestic labor and demanding you interrupt your sleep. Ignore the blaming reactions - there is always a cadre of miserable women who will do that around here.