Am I Asking Husband To Do Too Much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would come across as "controlling" too, if my spouse was home with a 10 week old baby all day and i came home to a house covered with unnecessary toy mess, and my spouse was no longer able to put dishes in the DW because they were "so busy" holding a baby for 12 hours a day.

It's not controlling. He's also tired and stressed (new baby! job! this transition isn't easy for men either), and on top of all that, it turns out his wife literally doesn't get off the sofa all day long. The frustration and disappointment of which, when you're already tired and stressed, comes across as pissed off and judge-y.

OP's husband is working at home. OP is holding the baby all day because if the baby cries s/he will disturb her husband.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:My husband has not been pulling his weight lately and thinks I’m asking for too much. We welcomed our first child ( 10 weeks old) a couple of months ago. He took paternity leave and was wonderful. He spent time bonding with the baby, did housework, and waited on me with food and water. He’s been back at work for a month now and things have taken a 180. He has not done much besides spending a couple of hours a day with the baby. I’m doing most of the childcare and housework. I have told him multiple times he needs to do more things, but he has said I should handle it since he works all day. I understand he works all day but I’m exhausted too. Having to care for a baby, who often needs to be held for naps, is not easy. He said there is ample time for me to get housework done while baby naps, but I disagree. I’m also getting up with baby once at night. I’m going back to work PT in January and told him this won’t work for me. He said he will help out more once I’m back at work, but feels I should be doing most of the childcare and housework because I’m home. I feel me asking for more help is fair. I don’t know if being unreasonable with my expectations.

In the evenings, one of you should care for the baby, while the other cooks dinner. After dinner, one should put baby to bath and bed, while the other cleans up the kitchen and playroom (is there even a playroom yet?). Then, considering you have probably put the baby to sleep early, you both get a couple hours to unwind. If this is what you mean by your DH spending a couple hours with the baby at night, then this sounds equal to me.

OP here. This is our day. We all wake up around 7. He gets to work ( works from home) and I make us breakfast and him coffee. I tend to baby who is having naps issues and requires being held. I also am very active with my baby - tummy time, reading, toys, etc.,. This repeats all day until about 6. He will take baby while I cook dinner. We eat and I put baby to bed ( 8pm bedtime) and then I clean up the kitchen and the mess. He workouts out, showers, and then e watch tv.

I would be fine if this was just during the week, but it’s weekends too. He spend almost no time actually caring for the baby solo. It’s still me. He doesn’t help with naps, feedings, or making dinner. He will play with baby for a couple minutes here and there in between working out or watching tv. I feel like I should get a break on the weekends, but he needs that time to relax because he works during the week.

No wonder your kid is having sleep issues. You are completely overstimulating him. A 10 week old does not need to be read to or have toys. Tell me time is just a couple of minutes and you can literally wash his bottles while he has tummy time.

You were introducing unnecessary stress onto yourself.

THATS what you took away from the excerpt above? Not that her husband selfishly does nothing to help, even on weekends when he’s not working? We also have one toddler and honestly, my husband and I split some weekend days up into shifts so we can have equal time parenting and equal time for leisure or chores. It’s may be odd, but it works for us right now.

I don’t believe her. I think everything is being filtered through postpartum lens. I think she’s exaggerating whether or not she realizes it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:During his work day, you are in charge of the baby.

When he gets home, you guys should at least split it 50/50. He doesn't get to rest after his job expecting you to not rest after yours.

As far as housework, can you guys hire a cleaning service? It saved my marriage. The best investment i ever made. It basically leaves kitchen cleanup each day after meals. Whoever didn't cook, cleans up.

OP here. We have a house cleaner come in-weekly but we still have everyday messes we need to clean up. It’s not much - bottle washing, emptying/loading dishwasher, dishes, and picking up toys.

Those chores should take a max 30 min. Strap on the baby and do it. Or, who cares if the toys sit out for a couple days? Your house may not be spotless during the early days....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:During his work day, you are in charge of the baby.

When he gets home, you guys should at least split it 50/50. He doesn't get to rest after his job expecting you to not rest after yours.

As far as housework, can you guys hire a cleaning service? It saved my marriage. The best investment i ever made. It basically leaves kitchen cleanup each day after meals. Whoever didn't cook, cleans up.

OP here. We have a house cleaner come in-weekly but we still have everyday messes we need to clean up. It’s not much - bottle washing, emptying/loading dishwasher, dishes, and picking up toys.

Those chores should take a max 30 min. Strap on the baby and do it. Or, who cares if the toys sit out for a couple days? Your house may not be spotless during the early days....

Her husband cares. He has control issues. He demands it be spotless.

[Anonymous]

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I don’t know. From her posts, I get the sense he’s a bully and she avoids his fits out of necessity. OP, what would he honestly do if you told him you’re quitting pumping? I still think you should do whatever you want, but I can understand it’s hard to make a choice that results in him blowing up.

It is worth finding out what he will do, even if it's hard given his possible reaction. If he does indeed blow a gasket, then she has a serious husband problem to address. If not, she'll feel more confident in setting boundaries for herself going forward.

He isn't going to "do" anything. I think OP is struggling with guilt of not wanting to pump but thinking she "has" to. It is easier to make it sound like her DH is making her. He isn't and she doesn't have to.

He's going to yell at her and try to guilt her. Which she knows, because she's tried this. Potentially he's going to stop talking to her, or only be passive-aggressive and hostile. He might stop watching the baby at all. He has various options for making her life worse. Which doesn't mean she shouldn't do it, but this isn't her in head.

Sorry, don't buy it. She is going back to work next month. She is treading water keeping up with pumping now, going back to work will mean supplementing. They both should know this. He wouldn't let her go back to work if he were really that controlling over this breastmilk thing. I don't think he is.

You have no idea how controlling he is or isn't. And I can tell you from first hand experience controlling husbands are not logical. It's always better to remain quiet than to spout off about things you know nothing about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would come across as "controlling" too, if my spouse was home with a 10 week old baby all day and i came home to a house covered with unnecessary toy mess, and my spouse was no longer able to put dishes in the DW because they were "so busy" holding a baby for 12 hours a day.

It's not controlling. He's also tired and stressed (new baby! job! this transition isn't easy for men either), and on top of all that, it turns out his wife literally doesn't get off the sofa all day long. The frustration and disappointment of which, when you're already tired and stressed, comes across as pissed off and judge-y.

Really?
I would buy a bin for the toys so they could be easily picked up, leave the dishes in the sink to be put away after dinner, take the baby, give my husband a kiss, and tell him to go shower and take a little break. Then I would put the baby in the ergo, grab a bottle, and go for a long walk. When I got home, I would hang out with my spouse who is probably missing some adult interaction.
I would shift my work out to early mornings or after the baby was asleep for the night.

[Anonymous]

It is just the two of them and a 10 wk old that can hardly lift at head up. It isn't getting any toys out. C'mon. How much mess could there possibly be..

[Anonymous]

OP, your pump scheduled sounds brutal. Please schedule an appointment with YOUR doctor (and don’t take DH). She will tell you for your own mental health that it is time to stop that insane schedule. Then you can tell your DH that it’s doctor’s orders. But you also sound a bit high maintenance when it comes to the baby. Loosen up. The baby will be fine in a bounced seat, buy some kind of carrier so that you have hands-free sometimes. Make sure you bundle up and take a walk daily.

But the real problem is clearly your husband. If he’s “too tired” to help with dinner because he works a 50 hour week, you’ve got a long road in front of you. Parenting is hard work and it’s not something you engage in when you feel like it. It sounds like he wants to act like he has no responsibilities at home all while controlling you. Now if he got up with you some and got the pump ready, put the milk way and cleaned the parts, I might say he was entitled to a *small* part of the decision. If not, he can shut up and support you. He sounds like an absurd, controlling but spoiled man-child.

Also you mentioned something about having to take care of his parents, too? Are you all from the US? Does he come from a culture where the women do everything and DILs are not very well respected? Marriage counseling ASAP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:During his work day, you are in charge of the baby.

When he gets home, you guys should at least split it 50/50. He doesn't get to rest after his job expecting you to not rest after yours.

As far as housework, can you guys hire a cleaning service? It saved my marriage. The best investment i ever made. It basically leaves kitchen cleanup each day after meals. Whoever didn't cook, cleans up.

OP here. We have a house cleaner come in-weekly but we still have everyday messes we need to clean up. It’s not much - bottle washing, emptying/loading dishwasher, dishes, and picking up toys.

Those chores should take a max 30 min. Strap on the baby and do it. Or, who cares if the toys sit out for a couple days? Your house may not be spotless during the early days....

Any man who doesn't come home and wash the freakin' bottles while his baby is a newborn is a loser. Capital L LOSER. Even my DH who is terrible at the division of labor did the dishes for my entire maternity leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

I don’t know. From her posts, I get the sense he’s a bully and she avoids his fits out of necessity. OP, what would he honestly do if you told him you’re quitting pumping? I still think you should do whatever you want, but I can understand it’s hard to make a choice that results in him blowing up.

It is worth finding out what he will do, even if it's hard given his possible reaction. If he does indeed blow a gasket, then she has a serious husband problem to address. If not, she'll feel more confident in setting boundaries for herself going forward.

He isn't going to "do" anything. I think OP is struggling with guilt of not wanting to pump but thinking she "has" to. It is easier to make it sound like her DH is making her. He isn't and she doesn't have to.

He's going to yell at her and try to guilt her. Which she knows, because she's tried this. Potentially he's going to stop talking to her, or only be passive-aggressive and hostile. He might stop watching the baby at all. He has various options for making her life worse. Which doesn't mean she shouldn't do it, but this isn't her in head.

Sorry, don't buy it. She is going back to work next month. She is treading water keeping up with pumping now, going back to work will mean supplementing. They both should know this. He wouldn't let her go back to work if he were really that controlling over this breastmilk thing. I don't think he is.

You have no idea how controlling he is or isn't. And I can tell you from first hand experience controlling husbands are not logical. It's always better to remain quiet than to spout off about things you know nothing about.

Painful but true. Getting rejected/attacked the first few times I pleaded for help, while my DH checked out physically and emotionally, just made me retreat within myself and figure out how I was going to handle it alone. My brain was working on emergency mode - I had no idea how to solve the problem of my DH not helping. I tried all sorts of different ways. Eventually you just figure it out yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Team DH here. An infant that little doesn’t require much. I doubt it takes you all day to do all of those things. Cleaning maintenance only tasks an hour a day tops.

and where is the rolling around laughing one?

Clearly you never exclusively pumped for an infant who wouldn’t nap unless being held. This was my mat leave. Feed baby, change baby, pump while entertaining baby in bouncer or floor toys. Pray they don’t need to move around too much (harder as they get older and more curious.) grab whatever you can to eat or drink before attempting to put baby down for nap 1/4. End up sitting with them in chair so they nap for more than 15 minutes. Repeat. Do most of the night feedings - baby woke up like 4-5 times a night- because I was “home.” The sleep deprivation is real, as much as a joy parenting is, and exclusive pumping on top of a not well sleeping baby is HARD.

OP, I too had to pump like 8 times a day to build my supply. Struggled with the same things you did with my husband- I was “home” so it was all my job even though I was busy all day between taking care of the baby and pumping (and cleaning/preparing the endless amounts of bottles and pump parts) and taking care of the house the best I could. exclusive pumping adds a lot of stress. I don’t wish I hadn’t done it, but I don’t know if I’d do it again without at least supplementing. The fact that your husband is a jerk about that is unreasonable because it falls solely on you. If you are struggling or depressed, something has to give- you need more help, be it from your DH or outside help, or you can give up pumping and get more time back to do other things like chores and sleep, god forbid.

I find these cases of babies who won’t nap unless being held interesting. It seems like this type of scenario is only possible in a household with a woman at home without a job and the ability to outsource all chores. Having a baby sleep on your hours and hours a day just isn’t possible for most women. So to read post after post about this on here makes me wonder. I question whether this is really necessary. It seems like the recent trend of pumping, which is extremely taxing and again, not necessary. Pumping all the time is only something a woman can do when she is staying home and has few other responsibilities or has a cushy office job with a pumping room.

I wouldn’t cater to a baby who only takes naps on me. Maybe for a week or two, but after that they would simply have to deal with the crib. I have a job, other children and responsibilities. I don’t think it’s a good habit to start and it simply isn’t sustainable.

I mean maybe you're right, but it certainly isn't uncommon for a baby not to nap in a crib until 3-4 months. And even if there's some way for OP to figure it out, that's MORE work (physical and mental) on her part to get it established, not less. I did get my baby to nap in a crib starting at around 10 weeks, but that was after a lot of work "practicing" putting him down, watching the clock, repeated disrupted naps, etc. No matter what you remember, there are no hours-long naps in a crib for the vast majority of 10 week olds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:During his work day, you are in charge of the baby.

When he gets home, you guys should at least split it 50/50. He doesn't get to rest after his job expecting you to not rest after yours.

As far as housework, can you guys hire a cleaning service? It saved my marriage. The best investment i ever made. It basically leaves kitchen cleanup each day after meals. Whoever didn't cook, cleans up.

OP here. We have a house cleaner come in-weekly but we still have everyday messes we need to clean up. It’s not much - bottle washing, emptying/loading dishwasher, dishes, and picking up toys.

Those chores should take a max 30 min. Strap on the baby and do it. Or, who cares if the toys sit out for a couple days? Your house may not be spotless during the early days....

Any man who doesn't come home and wash the freakin' bottles while his baby is a newborn is a loser. Capital L LOSER. Even my DH who is terrible at the division of labor did the dishes for my entire maternity leave.

This is weird to me. The bottles should be washed at the time they are used, not sitting around all day to get gunky on the inside.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You all are headed for some really bumpy times ahead in your marriage if you can’t manage a 10 week old with one parent on leave and the other working a normal (for DC )work week. Sleep when the baby sleeps and do your chores like loading a dishwasher whenever. This is so not worth arguing about with a newborn baby in the house. I kinda hate to say but mothering is not entirely fair or equitable. You as the mother will be tasked with the lion’s share of the work regarding the children and home.

That may be empirically true, but it's not fair. OP should *absolutely* argue about it, or take whatever steps she needs to project herself. She shouldn't just give in. That means - quit pumping, ignore the dishes, ignore her DH harping about the dishes. PS some people can't just "sleep when the baby sleeps." Doesn't work for many of us, physiologically.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:During his work day, you are in charge of the baby.

When he gets home, you guys should at least split it 50/50. He doesn't get to rest after his job expecting you to not rest after yours.

As far as housework, can you guys hire a cleaning service? It saved my marriage. The best investment i ever made. It basically leaves kitchen cleanup each day after meals. Whoever didn't cook, cleans up.

OP here. We have a house cleaner come in-weekly but we still have everyday messes we need to clean up. It’s not much - bottle washing, emptying/loading dishwasher, dishes, and picking up toys.

Those chores should take a max 30 min. Strap on the baby and do it. Or, who cares if the toys sit out for a couple days? Your house may not be spotless during the early days....

Any man who doesn't come home and wash the freakin' bottles while his baby is a newborn is a loser. Capital L LOSER. Even my DH who is terrible at the division of labor did the dishes for my entire maternity leave.

This is weird to me. The bottles should be washed at the time they are used, not sitting around all day to get gunky on the inside.

How do you think in works at daycares? They don't wash the bottles. Maybe rinse them.

[Anonymous]

OP, a few things:
- No, you’re not asking too much of your DH. But right now, he’s not going to change. You need to get through the next couple of months...not forget that he’s being a jerk now, but also figure out a strategy to survive.

- Stop EP’ing! If you’re worried about your safety, because of your DH’s reaction...then tell your healthcare provider (who is a mandated reporter) or call a DV hotline. Otherwise, just stop. I did the cycle you’re on. It’s crazy-making. Like, I think I slowly started to lose my mind. Finally, my sister came to visit, and after a couple of days she gently suggested just one FF. And I was slowly able to let go.

- Can you go for a walk with baby in carrier to get them to sleep instead of just holding? You’ll get fresh air and a change of scenery that way too.

- Focus on your needs and baby’s needs, not your DH’s. He isn’t focusing on yours, obviously. That means, clean up only as much is need to maintain health and safety. He doesn’t need special meals cooked for him. He’s a big boy and can do his own laundry!

- Bottles and pump parts can be washed in the D/W. Buy more (I had like 6 sets of bottles and 3 sets of parts). You can also put pump parts in the fridge and reuse without washing (I didn’t like this strategy, but a lot of people do it).

You’ll get through this. Enjoy your baby. You’re doing a great job!