Am I Asking Husband To Do Too Much?

[Anonymous]

My husband has not been pulling his weight lately and thinks I’m asking for too much. We welcomed our first child ( 10 weeks old) a couple of months ago. He took paternity leave and was wonderful. He spent time bonding with the baby, did housework, and waited on me with food and water. He’s been back at work for a month now and things have taken a 180. He has not done much besides spending a couple of hours a day with the baby. I’m doing most of the childcare and housework. I have told him multiple times he needs to do more things, but he has said I should handle it since he works all day. I understand he works all day but I’m exhausted too. Having to care for a baby, who often needs to be held for naps, is not easy. He said there is ample time for me to get housework done while baby naps, but I disagree. I’m also getting up with baby once at night. I’m going back to work PT in January and told him this won’t work for me. He said he will help out more once I’m back at work, but feels I should be doing most of the childcare and housework because I’m home. I feel me asking for more help is fair. I don’t know if being unreasonable with my expectations.

[Anonymous]

Your expectations are NOT unreasonable. He needs to step it up at home and help you out. He doesn’t get a pass at childcare and housework because he “ works all day”. Mothers who work FT can’t use that excuse, and neither should he. My husband worked FT and helped out with raising our kids and housework at that age. My baby is only a couple of months older than yours but my husband is very involved. He spends time with him in the morning before work ( working from home), during lunch time if he’s awake, and after work while I cook dinner. He also used to help with middle of the night feeds when he was still waking up. He gives me weekends to sleep in while he takes the morning shift with the baby ( he gets one too). He also helps out with cooking, laundry, and cleaning. Your husband sounds lazy and is using his work as an excuse. Tell him to step up and be a better partner.

[Anonymous]

During his work day, you are in charge of the baby.

When he gets home, you guys should at least split it 50/50. He doesn't get to rest after his job expecting you to not rest after yours.

As far as housework, can you guys hire a cleaning service? It saved my marriage. The best investment i ever made. It basically leaves kitchen cleanup each day after meals. Whoever didn't cook, cleans up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your expectations are NOT unreasonable. He needs to step it up at home and help you out. He doesn’t get a pass at childcare and housework because he “ works all day”. Mothers who work FT can’t use that excuse, and neither should he. My husband worked FT and helped out with raising our kids and housework at that age. My baby is only a couple of months older than yours but my husband is very involved. He spends time with him in the morning before work ( working from home), during lunch time if he’s awake, and after work while I cook dinner. He also used to help with middle of the night feeds when he was still waking up. He gives me weekends to sleep in while he takes the morning shift with the baby ( he gets one too). He also helps out with cooking, laundry, and cleaning. Your husband sounds lazy and is using his work as an excuse. Tell him to step up and be a better partner.

* kid. We have one 6 month old.

[Anonymous]

He needs to learn, from you, books, other people, experience, whatever it takes if he doesn't believe you, that an 8-hour day at work is less work than 8 hours with an infant.

And being in charge of an infant 22hours a day (since he is with the baby 2h/day) plus all the housework is several times more than his own workload.

That imbalance isn't obvious to him, because that imbalance has been the status quo forever.

[Anonymous]

Make a list of what you did and what he did prebaby. Then make a list of what he currently does and you currently do post baby. Ask him to look it over and add to it- he may be doing things that you do not consider work but are. Then compare the lists. This is what I did and DH took over several tasks. Some guys need it in black and white.

Also tell him that until the baby is older staying home full time with a baby means that it is a good day the caregiver can also get the dishwasher unloaded (or at least started)- this can also happen if you have toddlers and are at home. Another thing DH and I did was having an every other week house cleaner. That helped tremendously.

[Anonymous]

So he works full time and is out of the house for ten hours then spends a few more hours with the baby everyday. Sounds very helpful to me. He is probably exhausted having to actually work unlike you that just sits around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:During his work day, you are in charge of the baby.

When he gets home, you guys should at least split it 50/50. He doesn't get to rest after his job expecting you to not rest after yours.

As far as housework, can you guys hire a cleaning service? It saved my marriage. The best investment i ever made. It basically leaves kitchen cleanup each day after meals. Whoever didn't cook, cleans up.

OP here. We have a house cleaner come in-weekly but we still have everyday messes we need to clean up. It’s not much - bottle washing, emptying/loading dishwasher, dishes, and picking up toys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He needs to learn, from you, books, other people, experience, whatever it takes if he doesn't believe you, that an 8-hour day at work is less work than 8 hours with an infant.

And being in charge of an infant 22hours a day (since he is with the baby 2h/day) plus all the housework is several times more than his own workload.

That imbalance isn't obvious to him, because that imbalance has been the status quo forever.

OP is not in charge or her baby 22 hours a day. I’m sure baby is sleeping at night and for naps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make a list of what you did and what he did prebaby. Then make a list of what he currently does and you currently do post baby. Ask him to look it over and add to it- he may be doing things that you do not consider work but are. Then compare the lists. This is what I did and DH took over several tasks. Some guys need it in black and white.

Also tell him that until the baby is older staying home full time with a baby means that it is a good day the caregiver can also get the dishwasher unloaded (or at least started)- this can also happen if you have toddlers and are at home. Another thing DH and I did was having an every other week house cleaner. That helped tremendously.

OP here. This is good advice. I will try to make a list for him to see exactly what I do all day. He works from home and knows I do a lot during the day, even when when holding baby in the carrier for naps.

[Anonymous]

Team DH here. An infant that little doesn’t require much. I doubt it takes you all day to do all of those things. Cleaning maintenance only tasks an hour a day tops.

[Anonymous]

OP, correct me if I'm wrong, but it doesn't seem like DH is telling you you need to clean more like others are interpreting. IT seems like you expect him to do the dishwasher and clean up the baby toys because you can't/don't wan to do it do during the day and he's telling you that you can,.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make a list of what you did and what he did prebaby. Then make a list of what he currently does and you currently do post baby. Ask him to look it over and add to it- he may be doing things that you do not consider work but are. Then compare the lists. This is what I did and DH took over several tasks. Some guys need it in black and white.

Also tell him that until the baby is older staying home full time with a baby means that it is a good day the caregiver can also get the dishwasher unloaded (or at least started)- this can also happen if you have toddlers and are at home. Another thing DH and I did was having an every other week house cleaner. That helped tremendously.

OP here. This is good advice. I will try to make a list for him to see exactly what I do all day. He works from home and knows I do a lot during the day, even when when holding baby in the carrier for naps.

Bean counting is not a good idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:During his work day, you are in charge of the baby.

When he gets home, you guys should at least split it 50/50. He doesn't get to rest after his job expecting you to not rest after yours.

As far as housework, can you guys hire a cleaning service? It saved my marriage. The best investment i ever made. It basically leaves kitchen cleanup each day after meals. Whoever didn't cook, cleans up.

It's never going to be 50/50, but closer to 55/45 is ok. Baby duties should be shared at night - just part of parenting. Hire a sitter to help out once in awhile, so you both get a break.
If you can't resolve this, really think about future children.

[Anonymous]

Your child actually in a carrier.

Your 10 week old only gets up once during the night.


You are looking for things to be mad about.t.


If it takes a lot for you to clean up a 10 week olds toys you have way to many toys, because at that age they aren't playing and tearing up a room on their own.