Am I Asking Husband To Do Too Much?

[Anonymous]

Make sure you guys only have one kid. It doesn’t seem like either of you are interested in caring for the baby.

[Anonymous]

Wait, he also works and you are on maternity. If you were at work too I would agree but isn't that the point of staying home. To bond with your child. When I was on maternity, I did the majority of baby care. Once I returned to work full time we began to split responsibilities more. During maternity I basically requested 2 to 4 hours child free one day a week (usually Saturday afternoons). I breastfed and wasn't going far I just needed the break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So he works full time and is out of the house for ten hours then spends a few more hours with the baby everyday. Sounds very helpful to me. He is probably exhausted having to actually work unlike you that just sits around.

This. You are not working the entire time you are home. Let dine if the housework go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband has not been pulling his weight lately and thinks I’m asking for too much. We welcomed our first child ( 10 weeks old) a couple of months ago. He took paternity leave and was wonderful. He spent time bonding with the baby, did housework, and waited on me with food and water. He’s been back at work for a month now and things have taken a 180. He has not done much besides spending a couple of hours a day with the baby. I’m doing most of the childcare and housework. I have told him multiple times he needs to do more things, but he has said I should handle it since he works all day. I understand he works all day but I’m exhausted too. Having to care for a baby, who often needs to be held for naps, is not easy. He said there is ample time for me to get housework done while baby naps, but I disagree. I’m also getting up with baby once at night. I’m going back to work PT in January and told him this won’t work for me. He said he will help out more once I’m back at work, but feels I should be doing most of the childcare and housework because I’m home. I feel me asking for more help is fair. I don’t know if being unreasonable with my expectations.

In the evenings, one of you should care for the baby, while the other cooks dinner. After dinner, one should put baby to bath and bed, while the other cleans up the kitchen and playroom (is there even a playroom yet?). Then, considering you have probably put the baby to sleep early, you both get a couple hours to unwind. If this is what you mean by your DH spending a couple hours with the baby at night, then this sounds equal to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has not been pulling his weight lately and thinks I’m asking for too much. We welcomed our first child ( 10 weeks old) a couple of months ago. He took paternity leave and was wonderful. He spent time bonding with the baby, did housework, and waited on me with food and water. He’s been back at work for a month now and things have taken a 180. He has not done much besides spending a couple of hours a day with the baby. I’m doing most of the childcare and housework. I have told him multiple times he needs to do more things, but he has said I should handle it since he works all day. I understand he works all day but I’m exhausted too. Having to care for a baby, who often needs to be held for naps, is not easy. He said there is ample time for me to get housework done while baby naps, but I disagree. I’m also getting up with baby once at night. I’m going back to work PT in January and told him this won’t work for me. He said he will help out more once I’m back at work, but feels I should be doing most of the childcare and housework because I’m home. I feel me asking for more help is fair. I don’t know if being unreasonable with my expectations.

In the evenings, one of you should care for the baby, while the other cooks dinner. After dinner, one should put baby to bath and bed, while the other cleans up the kitchen and playroom (is there even a playroom yet?). Then, considering you have probably put the baby to sleep early, you both get a couple hours to unwind. If this is what you mean by your DH spending a couple hours with the baby at night, then this sounds equal to me.

OP here. This is our day. We all wake up around 7. He gets to work ( works from home) and I make us breakfast and him coffee. I tend to baby who is having naps issues and requires being held. I also am very active with my baby - tummy time, reading, toys, etc.,. This repeats all day until about 6. He will take baby while I cook dinner. We eat and I put baby to bed ( 8pm bedtime) and then I clean up the kitchen and the mess. He workouts out, showers, and then e watch tv.

I would be fine if this was just during the week, but it’s weekends too. He spend almost no time actually caring for the baby solo. It’s still me. He doesn’t help with naps, feedings, or making dinner. He will play with baby for a couple minutes here and there in between working out or watching tv. I feel like I should get a break on the weekends, but he needs that time to relax because he works during the week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So he works full time and is out of the house for ten hours then spends a few more hours with the baby everyday. Sounds very helpful to me. He is probably exhausted having to actually work unlike you that just sits around.

OP here. He works from home. He spends 1-2 hours with the baby a night. Most only 1 hour because I make quick dinner recipes.

I don’t sit around all day. My baby has naps issues and likes to be held and walked around. I spend most of the day walking around in the carrier during naps. During those times, I’m meal prepping, cleaning, cooking breakfast and lunch for us, etc. I do get some down time but not much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make sure you guys only have one kid. It doesn’t seem like either of you are interested in caring for the baby.

OP here. This is rude and unnecessary. I love my child and spend every waking moment with my baby. When baby is awake,
I’m on the floor playing with baby. My husband loves our child too.

[Anonymous]

For now, I would insist he cook on the weekends and take care of the baby one day to give you a break. It seems the baby needs to nap in his/her crib. Holding a baby while they nap isn’t sustainable.

[Anonymous]

OP, how about asking DH to either clean up while you are putting baby to bed, or he puts baby to bed while you clean up? I would be so resentful if I had to do both those tasks while he gets to work out or relax or do whatever he wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has not been pulling his weight lately and thinks I’m asking for too much. We welcomed our first child ( 10 weeks old) a couple of months ago. He took paternity leave and was wonderful. He spent time bonding with the baby, did housework, and waited on me with food and water. He’s been back at work for a month now and things have taken a 180. He has not done much besides spending a couple of hours a day with the baby. I’m doing most of the childcare and housework. I have told him multiple times he needs to do more things, but he has said I should handle it since he works all day. I understand he works all day but I’m exhausted too. Having to care for a baby, who often needs to be held for naps, is not easy. He said there is ample time for me to get housework done while baby naps, but I disagree. I’m also getting up with baby once at night. I’m going back to work PT in January and told him this won’t work for me. He said he will help out more once I’m back at work, but feels I should be doing most of the childcare and housework because I’m home. I feel me asking for more help is fair. I don’t know if being unreasonable with my expectations.

In the evenings, one of you should care for the baby, while the other cooks dinner. After dinner, one should put baby to bath and bed, while the other cleans up the kitchen and playroom (is there even a playroom yet?). Then, considering you have probably put the baby to sleep early, you both get a couple hours to unwind. If this is what you mean by your DH spending a couple hours with the baby at night, then this sounds equal to me.

OP here. This is our day. We all wake up around 7. He gets to work ( works from home) and I make us breakfast and him coffee. I tend to baby who is having naps issues and requires being held. I also am very active with my baby - tummy time, reading, toys, etc.,. This repeats all day until about 6. He will take baby while I cook dinner. We eat and I put baby to bed ( 8pm bedtime) and then I clean up the kitchen and the mess. He workouts out, showers, and then e watch tv.

I would be fine if this was just during the week, but it’s weekends too. He spend almost no time actually caring for the baby solo. It’s still me. He doesn’t help with naps, feedings, or making dinner. He will play with baby for a couple minutes here and there in between working out or watching tv. I feel like I should get a break on the weekends, but he needs that time to relax because he works during the week.

1. All your "activities" with the baby might be why the baby is having nap issues, 10 week old babies don't need tons and tons of toys and stimulation.
you are probably missing sleep cues thus making it hard for the baby to nap easily.

2. On the weekends just leave the house. Go drive around for a few hours, if you are comfortable go to the shops or sit in a coffee shop and read or mess around on your phone. The point is your DH needs to be the caregiver then. He can do it, and he will figure it out.

3. As for meals have him cook on the weekends, but when it's his night to cook it's his night to do dinner no micromanaging. When you cook give yourself permission to simply the meals, try some one spot stuff so there isn't ton of clean up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband has not been pulling his weight lately and thinks I’m asking for too much. We welcomed our first child ( 10 weeks old) a couple of months ago. He took paternity leave and was wonderful. He spent time bonding with the baby, did housework, and waited on me with food and water. He’s been back at work for a month now and things have taken a 180. He has not done much besides spending a couple of hours a day with the baby. I’m doing most of the childcare and housework. I have told him multiple times he needs to do more things, but he has said I should handle it since he works all day. I understand he works all day but I’m exhausted too. Having to care for a baby, who often needs to be held for naps, is not easy. He said there is ample time for me to get housework done while baby naps, but I disagree. I’m also getting up with baby once at night. I’m going back to work PT in January and told him this won’t work for me. He said he will help out more once I’m back at work, but feels I should be doing most of the childcare and housework because I’m home. I feel me asking for more help is fair. I don’t know if being unreasonable with my expectations.

When the baby is small is the easiest time. Unsure how you're "exhausted" unless you're making a mess and not cleaning up after yourself. I your husband is working and supporting the family solo, you should give him more respect. It's a lot of stress (ESPECIALLY NOW) to support the family. Do you stress over taxes, bills, food, medical costs, etc? If your husband doesn't make the $$$ what happens to you and your baby? Your family?

Too often the working husband is taken for granted. Yes, being at home all day with an infant is BORING. But, it's not STRESSFUL. There is a huge difference. My wife and I went through the same thing. I operate several businesses. It's high stress and long hours. She worries about how to decorate the house. I worry about taxes, investments, employees, COVID-19, debt, etc. We're on two different levels. Perhaps you need to see how your husband views what's going on.

This is not to say he shouldn't help at all when he's home. But, after work he has a right to rest up. Again, taking care of an infant is the easy stage. Just wait. All your kid does now is eat, sleep, and poop. Just wait.

[Anonymous]

NP. You all with this "a baby that small is easy" either had very easy newborns, worked as infant nannies before having kids, or have forgotten what it felt like when you had a newborn, especially when they were your FIRST kid.

In *retrospect* I'd say a newborn was portable and easy (even though I didn't have a very easy baby). Compared to an older baby, and especially a toddler. But at the time?? It was totally new and kind of overwhelming! Boring, but overwhelming, if that makes sense. You all sound like the elderly women who are all "Oh, childbirth was easy, I didn't mind at all, I was milking the cows the next day."

I remember distinctly when my kid was 2 days old and we had to take her to the pediatrician for a normal newborn check. We got up at like 7 am and made an appointment for 12 pm, the TWO of us literally spent the entire time getting ready for a 10-minute drive and were STILL LATE. I don't know how! But we were!

It's great if the newborn weeks *for your first* were genuinely NBD for you, but I'm skeptical that was a common experience.

Anyway, OP-- your husband needs to be 50/50 taking care of things for the time he is home. Can you maybe use some tips and tricks to get a little more done while he's away? Sure. Can you let more things go? Sure. Is the couple of hours he spends w/the baby a good start? Yes.

But I don't get how he "relaxes" even part of the time when he's home while you do other things-- especially if you don't also get to relax part of the time. Maybe you do get a little downtime during the day, but odds are unless he's on his feet the entire workday, so does he! Do you surf the web while breastfeeding? Probably! Does he surf the web during lunch or a Zoom call? Probably!

[Anonymous]

Babies are a lot of work, so both of you can be working hard and exhausted and there’s still work to do. It’s easy to feel like you’re doing more.

Second, you really don’t need to be on the floor playing with a 10 wo. Take time when you can to rest and have downtime. You need to grab that time during the day if it’s harder to get at night. I know it’s not a lot, but take it. Everyone needs downtime.

Finally, figure out a fair dinner/dishes plan. I liked to cook because it was creative and a break from the baby. But maybe you alternate, or do more takeout. Just work on that as a separate issue.

[Anonymous]

Ugh, I could have written this myself while I was on mat leave. It’s actually really difficult doing everything because you’re on mat leave, and then adjusting to sharing that responsibility once you go back to work. If you can afford a nanny, I would do that if social distancing allows. You can have help with a lot of baby related chores and avoid arguing over it. Where things could be divided easily, we split down the middle- switching off nights, religiously, for bedtime and bottle washing, even on weekends.

[Anonymous]

OP, so really this sounds all about housework

How much housework are you doing? Stop. Besides taking out the trash, disposing of dirty diapers and baby's laundry ... what are you doing?? Stop.

You are going to have to lower your standards greatly