Am I Asking Husband To Do Too Much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You chose to have children so you don't get to complain.

Her husband chose to have children too. He doesn’t get to neglect his child.

How is he neglecting his child? He works while she doesn't. It's not like he's a deadbeat dad. But I wonder if she wanted this child more than he did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team DH here. An infant that little doesn’t require much. I doubt it takes you all day to do all of those things. Cleaning maintenance only tasks an hour a day tops.

If the baby sleeps in 90 minute chunks like mine did, the OP is getting no REM sleep and is too tired to do housework.

OP here. My baby is a great night sleeper. The problem is I still have to wake up to pump. It’s exhausting when you’re literally feeding, pumping, playing, holding baby in carrier for sleep, and then cleaning. Then waking up to do that at night. Plus all of the other stuff. I can just stop cleaning because then things will pile up and it will turn into a fight. I would also be more than willing to happily do the housework if he spent more time with the baby. He’s spend an hour a day during the week, and maybe 2 hours tops in short increments on the weekends. I still do all the feedings, diaper changes, and naps on the weekends.

I’m a little surprised by the responses. I thought after seeing many posts on here of women who say most of their husbands don’t do anything and it’s need to be 50/50, I was expecting more people to say he isn’t doing enough. Maybe I’m asking for too much. I will just continue and hope it gets better when I go back to work. I need to do therapy so this resentment doesn’t build.

I would get him into couples therapy now. He’s making you do 100% of the domestic labor and demanding you interrupt your sleep. Ignore the blaming reactions - there is always a cadre of miserable women who will do that around here.

He isn’t “making” her pump. He is telling her he thinks she should and she is agreeing. That is on her. Her pumping schedule is making her unable to cope with getting anything else done. She can easily change this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You chose to have children so you don't get to complain.

Her husband chose to have children too. He doesn’t get to neglect his child.

How is he neglecting his child? He works while she doesn't. It's not like he's a deadbeat dad. But I wonder if she wanted this child more than he did.

Maybe he should quit his job and stay home with the child and they BOTH should complain about the work involved.

[Anonymous]

Whoa whoa whoa OP. Holy red flags. Your husband is “making” you pump? Drop it, unless it’s something YOU think is incredibly important (spoiler alert: it’s not). Now I understand why you seem so miserable. I don’t understand why you take care of the baby all day on the weekend too? You need to have a heart to heart with your husband. I work 60 hours a week and I put one of my two kids to bed every damn night and make dinner - I don’t really sleep so I don’t recommend this life - but I don’t push everything off on my husband who works 40 hours because I WANT to spend time w my kids. He is being a baby. Please don’t have any more kids with this man until you have created a more equal balance that works for you because trust me adding a second will be a dumpster fire. It’s a hard adjustment when mom can’t handle it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whoa whoa whoa OP. Holy red flags. Your husband is “making” you pump? Drop it, unless it’s something YOU think is incredibly important (spoiler alert: it’s not). Now I understand why you seem so miserable. I don’t understand why you take care of the baby all day on the weekend too? You need to have a heart to heart with your husband. I work 60 hours a week and I put one of my two kids to bed every damn night and make dinner - I don’t really sleep so I don’t recommend this life - but I don’t push everything off on my husband who works 40 hours because I WANT to spend time w my kids. He is being a baby. Please don’t have any more kids with this man until you have created a more equal balance that works for you because trust me adding a second will be a dumpster fire. It’s a hard adjustment when mom can’t handle it all.

OP here. Every time I talk about quitting or supplementing, he throws a fit. He says formula isn’t that healthy and it doesn’t have good ingredients. He will talk about all of the problematic ingredients until I just give in and tell him I will keep pumping.

He’s not always a jerk. He was wonderful before we had our child. He loves our child. He was wonderful while on paternity leave with helping with feedings, naps ( though baby was sleeping without needing to be held until 8 weeks), cooking, etc. Then he decided it was all on my because he works all day. He needs his weekends to rest because he works 50-60 hour weeks. I would be fine with during the week if he helped out on weekends, but he doesn’t. He thinks helping me while he was on paternity leave was enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You chose to have children so you don't get to complain.

Her husband chose to have children too. He doesn’t get to neglect his child.

How is he neglecting his child? He works while she doesn't. It's not like he's a deadbeat dad. But I wonder if she wanted this child more than he did.

He spend almost no time with his child. That’s a deadbeat. I guess you agree because you’re like him. I bet you probably spend 5 hours a week with your kids and thinks that’s enough because you work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:During his work day, you are in charge of the baby.

When he gets home, you guys should at least split it 50/50. He doesn't get to rest after his job expecting you to not rest after yours.

As far as housework, can you guys hire a cleaning service? It saved my marriage. The best investment i ever made. It basically leaves kitchen cleanup each day after meals. Whoever didn't cook, cleans up.

+1000% Add childcare to this setup and it creates a happy balanced home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whoa whoa whoa OP. Holy red flags. Your husband is “making” you pump? Drop it, unless it’s something YOU think is incredibly important (spoiler alert: it’s not). Now I understand why you seem so miserable. I don’t understand why you take care of the baby all day on the weekend too? You need to have a heart to heart with your husband. I work 60 hours a week and I put one of my two kids to bed every damn night and make dinner - I don’t really sleep so I don’t recommend this life - but I don’t push everything off on my husband who works 40 hours because I WANT to spend time w my kids. He is being a baby. Please don’t have any more kids with this man until you have created a more equal balance that works for you because trust me adding a second will be a dumpster fire. It’s a hard adjustment when mom can’t handle it all.

OP here. Every time I talk about quitting or supplementing, he throws a fit. He says formula isn’t that healthy and it doesn’t have good ingredients. He will talk about all of the problematic ingredients until I just give in and tell him I will keep pumping.

He’s not always a jerk. He was wonderful before we had our child. He loves our child. He was wonderful while on paternity leave with helping with feedings, naps ( though baby was sleeping without needing to be held until 8 weeks), cooking, etc. Then he decided it was all on my because he works all day. He needs his weekends to rest because he works 50-60 hour weeks. I would be fine with during the week if he helped out on weekends, but he doesn’t. He thinks helping me while he was on paternity leave was enough.

My kids are older and it has been awhile since I was at this stage but my two cents (1) it is your body and ultimately your decision when to stop pumping and move to formula. DH should have an equal say in other decisions but not this one- sorry, too bad. (2) things need to be 50/50 when DH is home- the end. This should always be the case regardless of who is on leave,etc. nights should be 50-50 as well...whether he has to work the next day or not (3) you should be able to get basic household things done with an 8wk old and do not need to hold the baby for every nap. Get a carrier. How much housework is there to do with one infant anyway?! other than laundry and washing all the breast pump stuff (UGHHHH hated that. And if DH wants you to continue pumping, make him wash all that stuff if you agree to continue. It’s the least he can do)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whoa whoa whoa OP. Holy red flags. Your husband is “making” you pump? Drop it, unless it’s something YOU think is incredibly important (spoiler alert: it’s not). Now I understand why you seem so miserable. I don’t understand why you take care of the baby all day on the weekend too? You need to have a heart to heart with your husband. I work 60 hours a week and I put one of my two kids to bed every damn night and make dinner - I don’t really sleep so I don’t recommend this life - but I don’t push everything off on my husband who works 40 hours because I WANT to spend time w my kids. He is being a baby. Please don’t have any more kids with this man until you have created a more equal balance that works for you because trust me adding a second will be a dumpster fire. It’s a hard adjustment when mom can’t handle it all.

OP here. Every time I talk about quitting or supplementing, he throws a fit. He says formula isn’t that healthy and it doesn’t have good ingredients. He will talk about all of the problematic ingredients until I just give in and tell him I will keep pumping.

He’s not always a jerk. He was wonderful before we had our child. He loves our child. He was wonderful while on paternity leave with helping with feedings, naps ( though baby was sleeping without needing to be held until 8 weeks), cooking, etc. Then he decided it was all on my because he works all day. He needs his weekends to rest because he works 50-60 hour weeks. I would be fine with during the week if he helped out on weekends, but he doesn’t. He thinks helping me while he was on paternity leave was enough.

Tell him you aren’t making enough milk and need to supplement. You can still pump in the day if YOU want, but he isn’t going to drag you by the hair out of bed and force you to pump at 1 in the morning, now is he?

Will he at least be the baby holder on the weekends? It takes zero effort for him to watch football with a baby in his lap asleep. Then you can nap, shower, eat with both hands.

[Anonymous]

This makes me so much more grateful for my husband. I had very similar issues - supply and latch issues. Do you know what my husband said? Nothing! He knew it was my decision to make and was supportive with whatever I chose. I supplemented and eventually switched for formula feeding when he was 6 months old. My husband took a month leave and was excellent. When he went back to work ( he worked from home pre-Covid), he put in a 50 hour work week and still helped works the house. He helped more on the weekends. He made dinner or took over with the baby while I cooked, cleaned the kitchen while I put baby to bed, and cleaned the common areas every night. We now have two kids and he helps even more. I still do most of the stuff during the week, but he puts our older child to bed while I put younger to bed. He still takes care is the kids when he’s able to, cooks, and cleans.

You both need to go to therapy and fix this. It will only get worse from here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You chose to have children so you don't get to complain.

Her husband chose to have children too. He doesn’t get to neglect his child.

How is he neglecting his child? He works while she doesn't. It's not like he's a deadbeat dad. But I wonder if she wanted this child more than he did.

He spend almost no time with his child. That’s a deadbeat. I guess you agree because you’re like him. I bet you probably spend 5 hours a week with your kids and thinks that’s enough because you work.

I don’t have children precisely because they cause stress and wasted time. I think this is a case of a couple having a child just because rather than thinking through what it really means.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whoa whoa whoa OP. Holy red flags. Your husband is “making” you pump? Drop it, unless it’s something YOU think is incredibly important (spoiler alert: it’s not). Now I understand why you seem so miserable. I don’t understand why you take care of the baby all day on the weekend too? You need to have a heart to heart with your husband. I work 60 hours a week and I put one of my two kids to bed every damn night and make dinner - I don’t really sleep so I don’t recommend this life - but I don’t push everything off on my husband who works 40 hours because I WANT to spend time w my kids. He is being a baby. Please don’t have any more kids with this man until you have created a more equal balance that works for you because trust me adding a second will be a dumpster fire. It’s a hard adjustment when mom can’t handle it all.

OP here. Every time I talk about quitting or supplementing, he throws a fit. He says formula isn’t that healthy and it doesn’t have good ingredients. He will talk about all of the problematic ingredients until I just give in and tell him I will keep pumping.

He’s not always a jerk. He was wonderful before we had our child. He loves our child. He was wonderful while on paternity leave with helping with feedings, naps ( though baby was sleeping without needing to be held until 8 weeks), cooking, etc. Then he decided it was all on my because he works all day. He needs his weekends to rest because he works 50-60 hour weeks. I would be fine with during the week if he helped out on weekends, but he doesn’t. He thinks helping me while he was on paternity leave was enough.

I would freaking love to rest on the weekend after also working 60 hours a week but that is not a reality when you have a child. Although, a 10 week old seems a lot easier than the two toddlers i have who are definitely team mommy. Ugh, op I’m sorry but you really should stop pumping and tell your husband if he wants the baby to get exclusive breast milk then too bad he better learn to lactate too. I’ve known plenty of women who woke up to pump in the middle of the night by choice because it was important to them but certainly not because it was important to their husbands. Girl I’m serious, he is being an ass.

Also- if cleaning is his ocd issue HE NEEDS TO HANDLE IT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whoa whoa whoa OP. Holy red flags. Your husband is “making” you pump? Drop it, unless it’s something YOU think is incredibly important (spoiler alert: it’s not). Now I understand why you seem so miserable. I don’t understand why you take care of the baby all day on the weekend too? You need to have a heart to heart with your husband. I work 60 hours a week and I put one of my two kids to bed every damn night and make dinner - I don’t really sleep so I don’t recommend this life - but I don’t push everything off on my husband who works 40 hours because I WANT to spend time w my kids. He is being a baby. Please don’t have any more kids with this man until you have created a more equal balance that works for you because trust me adding a second will be a dumpster fire. It’s a hard adjustment when mom can’t handle it all.

OP here. Every time I talk about quitting or supplementing, he throws a fit. He says formula isn’t that healthy and it doesn’t have good ingredients. He will talk about all of the problematic ingredients until I just give in and tell him I will keep pumping.

He’s not always a jerk. He was wonderful before we had our child. He loves our child. He was wonderful while on paternity leave with helping with feedings, naps ( though baby was sleeping without needing to be held until 8 weeks), cooking, etc. Then he decided it was all on my because he works all day. He needs his weekends to rest because he works 50-60 hour weeks. I would be fine with during the week if he helped out on weekends, but he doesn’t. He thinks helping me while he was on paternity leave was enough.

No he was always a jerk don't put this on your baby. The difference is you could handle catering to him before the kid now you have an actual infant and you simply don't have the energy to deal with a man child. It's a big issue that your husband thinks he can dictate what you do with your body. IT's a big issue that you give into his demands because you don't want him to be upset or because he gets angry/has a tantrum these are glaring red flags OP/

[Anonymous]

OP, these comments saying you’re expecting too much I’m convinced are all the same ridiculous poster.

I felt exhausted just reading about your daily schedule. You are doing so much. Your husband needs to step it up with baby care and do some cooking and cleanup. Just as importantly, he needs to shut up about your pumping routine. Show him the real science behind breast milk vs formula. Formula is just fine, and I say that as a breastfeeding mom. And he’s so OCD he can’t deal with a play mat and rattles on the floor and expects you to pick them up daily?! This guy is going to blow a gasket when he sees the chaos that is having a toddler and beyond.

I take your word for it that he wasn’t always a lazy a-hole but he sure sounds like one now and it’s not sustainable. Once you go back to work you are going to murder him in his sleep if he keeps this up.

[Anonymous]

You all are headed for some really bumpy times ahead in your marriage if you can’t manage a 10 week old with one parent on leave and the other working a normal (for DC )work week. Sleep when the baby sleeps and do your chores like loading a dishwasher whenever. This is so not worth arguing about with a newborn baby in the house. I kinda hate to say but mothering is not entirely fair or equitable. You as the mother will be tasked with the lion’s share of the work regarding the children and home.