Am I Asking Husband To Do Too Much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You all are headed for some really bumpy times ahead in your marriage if you can’t manage a 10 week old with one parent on leave and the other working a normal (for DC )work week. Sleep when the baby sleeps and do your chores like loading a dishwasher whenever. This is so not worth arguing about with a newborn baby in the house. I kinda hate to say but mothering is not entirely fair or equitable. You as the mother will be tasked with the lion’s share of the work regarding the children and home.

It’s hard because the mom is making two choices that make her life a lot harder:

1. Pumping
2. Baby napping on her.

It’s like the moms who have kids who don’t sleep and complain about it. No, a one year old can’t keep you from sleeping. Create a safe sleep environment and put on a sound machine. If you’re up hours every night for a young child, that’s your decision but it isn’t necessary!

1. The baby isn't one.

2. Thank you're lucky stars you had easy one year olds.

The PP has a point though. Mom doesn't need to pump every 3 hrs around the clock. So what is DH wants her to. She doesn't have to and she can stop at any time or cut out any session she sees fit. I find it REALLY hard to believe her DH cares this much about her pumping and breastmilk. It is likely he wants the baby to get breastmilk because he read somewhere it is best and OP is home with baby. But I seriously doubt he will blow a gasket if she pumps 3 times per day and supplements the rest. He won't care OP. You are doing this to yourself. All things considered, you still have it pretty easy. Come back when you have baby #2 with colic and a toddler.

I don’t know. From her posts, I get the sense he’s a bully and she avoids his fits out of necessity. OP, what would he honestly do if you told him you’re quitting pumping? I still think you should do whatever you want, but I can understand it’s hard to make a choice that results in him blowing up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I don’t know. From her posts, I get the sense he’s a bully and she avoids his fits out of necessity. OP, what would he honestly do if you told him you’re quitting pumping? I still think you should do whatever you want, but I can understand it’s hard to make a choice that results in him blowing up.

It is worth finding out what he will do, even if it's hard given his possible reaction. If he does indeed blow a gasket, then she has a serious husband problem to address. If not, she'll feel more confident in setting boundaries for herself going forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You all are headed for some really bumpy times ahead in your marriage if you can’t manage a 10 week old with one parent on leave and the other working a normal (for DC )work week. Sleep when the baby sleeps and do your chores like loading a dishwasher whenever. This is so not worth arguing about with a newborn baby in the house. I kinda hate to say but mothering is not entirely fair or equitable. You as the mother will be tasked with the lion’s share of the work regarding the children and home.

It’s hard because the mom is making two choices that make her life a lot harder:

1. Pumping
2. Baby napping on her.

It’s like the moms who have kids who don’t sleep and complain about it. No, a one year old can’t keep you from sleeping. Create a safe sleep environment and put on a sound machine. If you’re up hours every night for a young child, that’s your decision but it isn’t necessary!

1. The baby isn't one.

2. Thank you're lucky stars you had easy one year olds.

The PP has a point though. Mom doesn't need to pump every 3 hrs around the clock. So what is DH wants her to. She doesn't have to and she can stop at any time or cut out any session she sees fit. I find it REALLY hard to believe her DH cares this much about her pumping and breastmilk. It is likely he wants the baby to get breastmilk because he read somewhere it is best and OP is home with baby. But I seriously doubt he will blow a gasket if she pumps 3 times per day and supplements the rest. He won't care OP. You are doing this to yourself. All things considered, you still have it pretty easy. Come back when you have baby #2 with colic and a toddler.

I don’t know. From her posts, I get the sense he’s a bully and she avoids his fits out of necessity. OP, what would he honestly do if you told him you’re quitting pumping? I still think you should do whatever you want, but I can understand it’s hard to make a choice that results in him blowing up.

She is barely keeping up feeding a 10 week old pumping round the clock. It isn't sustainable and baby is only going to want more and more. He doesn't know how much milk is in her breasts. She says she is empty and that is that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I don’t know. From her posts, I get the sense he’s a bully and she avoids his fits out of necessity. OP, what would he honestly do if you told him you’re quitting pumping? I still think you should do whatever you want, but I can understand it’s hard to make a choice that results in him blowing up.

It is worth finding out what he will do, even if it's hard given his possible reaction. If he does indeed blow a gasket, then she has a serious husband problem to address. If not, she'll feel more confident in setting boundaries for herself going forward.

He isn't going to "do" anything. I think OP is struggling with guilt of not wanting to pump but thinking she "has" to. It is easier to make it sound like her DH is making her. He isn't and she doesn't have to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has not been pulling his weight lately and thinks I’m asking for too much. We welcomed our first child ( 10 weeks old) a couple of months ago. He took paternity leave and was wonderful. He spent time bonding with the baby, did housework, and waited on me with food and water. He’s been back at work for a month now and things have taken a 180. He has not done much besides spending a couple of hours a day with the baby. I’m doing most of the childcare and housework. I have told him multiple times he needs to do more things, but he has said I should handle it since he works all day. I understand he works all day but I’m exhausted too. Having to care for a baby, who often needs to be held for naps, is not easy. He said there is ample time for me to get housework done while baby naps, but I disagree. I’m also getting up with baby once at night. I’m going back to work PT in January and told him this won’t work for me. He said he will help out more once I’m back at work, but feels I should be doing most of the childcare and housework because I’m home. I feel me asking for more help is fair. I don’t know if being unreasonable with my expectations.

In the evenings, one of you should care for the baby, while the other cooks dinner. After dinner, one should put baby to bath and bed, while the other cleans up the kitchen and playroom (is there even a playroom yet?). Then, considering you have probably put the baby to sleep early, you both get a couple hours to unwind. If this is what you mean by your DH spending a couple hours with the baby at night, then this sounds equal to me.

OP here. This is our day. We all wake up around 7. He gets to work ( works from home) and I make us breakfast and him coffee. I tend to baby who is having naps issues and requires being held. I also am very active with my baby - tummy time, reading, toys, etc.,. This repeats all day until about 6. He will take baby while I cook dinner. We eat and I put baby to bed ( 8pm bedtime) and then I clean up the kitchen and the mess. He workouts out, showers, and then e watch tv.

I would be fine if this was just during the week, but it’s weekends too. He spend almost no time actually caring for the baby solo. It’s still me. He doesn’t help with naps, feedings, or making dinner. He will play with baby for a couple minutes here and there in between working out or watching tv. I feel like I should get a break on the weekends, but he needs that time to relax because he works during the week.

No wonder your kid is having sleep issues. You are completely overstimulating him. A 10 week old does not need to be read to or have toys. Tell me time is just a couple of minutes and you can literally wash his bottles while he has tummy time.

You were introducing unnecessary stress onto yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I don’t know. From her posts, I get the sense he’s a bully and she avoids his fits out of necessity. OP, what would he honestly do if you told him you’re quitting pumping? I still think you should do whatever you want, but I can understand it’s hard to make a choice that results in him blowing up.

It is worth finding out what he will do, even if it's hard given his possible reaction. If he does indeed blow a gasket, then she has a serious husband problem to address. If not, she'll feel more confident in setting boundaries for herself going forward.

He isn't going to "do" anything. I think OP is struggling with guilt of not wanting to pump but thinking she "has" to. It is easier to make it sound like her DH is making her. He isn't and she doesn't have to.

He's going to yell at her and try to guilt her. Which she knows, because she's tried this. Potentially he's going to stop talking to her, or only be passive-aggressive and hostile. He might stop watching the baby at all. He has various options for making her life worse. Which doesn't mean she shouldn't do it, but this isn't her in head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I don’t know. From her posts, I get the sense he’s a bully and she avoids his fits out of necessity. OP, what would he honestly do if you told him you’re quitting pumping? I still think you should do whatever you want, but I can understand it’s hard to make a choice that results in him blowing up.

It is worth finding out what he will do, even if it's hard given his possible reaction. If he does indeed blow a gasket, then she has a serious husband problem to address. If not, she'll feel more confident in setting boundaries for herself going forward.

He isn't going to "do" anything. I think OP is struggling with guilt of not wanting to pump but thinking she "has" to. It is easier to make it sound like her DH is making her. He isn't and she doesn't have to.

He's going to yell at her and try to guilt her. Which she knows, because she's tried this. Potentially he's going to stop talking to her, or only be passive-aggressive and hostile. He might stop watching the baby at all. He has various options for making her life worse. Which doesn't mean she shouldn't do it, but this isn't her in head.

Sorry, don't buy it. She is going back to work next month. She is treading water keeping up with pumping now, going back to work will mean supplementing. They both should know this. He wouldn't let her go back to work if he were really that controlling over this breastmilk thing. I don't think he is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whoa whoa whoa OP. Holy red flags. Your husband is “making” you pump? Drop it, unless it’s something YOU think is incredibly important (spoiler alert: it’s not). Now I understand why you seem so miserable. I don’t understand why you take care of the baby all day on the weekend too? You need to have a heart to heart with your husband. I work 60 hours a week and I put one of my two kids to bed every damn night and make dinner - I don’t really sleep so I don’t recommend this life - but I don’t push everything off on my husband who works 40 hours because I WANT to spend time w my kids. He is being a baby. Please don’t have any more kids with this man until you have created a more equal balance that works for you because trust me adding a second will be a dumpster fire. It’s a hard adjustment when mom can’t handle it all.

OP here. Every time I talk about quitting or supplementing, he throws a fit. He says formula isn’t that healthy and it doesn’t have good ingredients. He will talk about all of the problematic ingredients until I just give in and tell him I will keep pumping.

He’s not always a jerk. He was wonderful before we had our child. He loves our child. He was wonderful while on paternity leave with helping with feedings, naps ( though baby was sleeping without needing to be held until 8 weeks), cooking, etc. Then he decided it was all on my because he works all day. He needs his weekends to rest because he works 50-60 hour weeks. I would be fine with during the week if he helped out on weekends, but he doesn’t. He thinks helping me while he was on paternity leave was enough.

You tell him if he wants you to keep pumping, he needs to do more around the house, because you need rest, too. Period. Or stop pumping. Let him throw a fit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has not been pulling his weight lately and thinks I’m asking for too much. We welcomed our first child ( 10 weeks old) a couple of months ago. He took paternity leave and was wonderful. He spent time bonding with the baby, did housework, and waited on me with food and water. He’s been back at work for a month now and things have taken a 180. He has not done much besides spending a couple of hours a day with the baby. I’m doing most of the childcare and housework. I have told him multiple times he needs to do more things, but he has said I should handle it since he works all day. I understand he works all day but I’m exhausted too. Having to care for a baby, who often needs to be held for naps, is not easy. He said there is ample time for me to get housework done while baby naps, but I disagree. I’m also getting up with baby once at night. I’m going back to work PT in January and told him this won’t work for me. He said he will help out more once I’m back at work, but feels I should be doing most of the childcare and housework because I’m home. I feel me asking for more help is fair. I don’t know if being unreasonable with my expectations.

In the evenings, one of you should care for the baby, while the other cooks dinner. After dinner, one should put baby to bath and bed, while the other cleans up the kitchen and playroom (is there even a playroom yet?). Then, considering you have probably put the baby to sleep early, you both get a couple hours to unwind. If this is what you mean by your DH spending a couple hours with the baby at night, then this sounds equal to me.

OP here. This is our day. We all wake up around 7. He gets to work ( works from home) and I make us breakfast and him coffee. I tend to baby who is having naps issues and requires being held. I also am very active with my baby - tummy time, reading, toys, etc.,. This repeats all day until about 6. He will take baby while I cook dinner. We eat and I put baby to bed ( 8pm bedtime) and then I clean up the kitchen and the mess. He workouts out, showers, and then e watch tv.

I would be fine if this was just during the week, but it’s weekends too. He spend almost no time actually caring for the baby solo. It’s still me. He doesn’t help with naps, feedings, or making dinner. He will play with baby for a couple minutes here and there in between working out or watching tv. I feel like I should get a break on the weekends, but he needs that time to relax because he works during the week.

No wonder your kid is having sleep issues. You are completely overstimulating him. A 10 week old does not need to be read to or have toys. Tell me time is just a couple of minutes and you can literally wash his bottles while he has tummy time.

You were introducing unnecessary stress onto yourself.

THATS what you took away from the excerpt above? Not that her husband selfishly does nothing to help, even on weekends when he’s not working? We also have one toddler and honestly, my husband and I split some weekend days up into shifts so we can have equal time parenting and equal time for leisure or chores. It’s may be odd, but it works for us right now.

[Anonymous]

OP,

Based on your many responses, you have a very controlling husband.

1. Insists on an immaculate house with everything put away at the end of the day.

2. Insists you maintain a pumping schedule

3. Insists baby can not cry and disturb him during his work day

4. I am guessing he also has thoughts about what you prepare for meals (since you seem to be preparing all of them)

It is not your baby that is difficult, it is your husband. I think you are going to need to sit on all of this and really think about it.

Stop the pumping schedule. If you are having to do this much work to maintain your supply right now, when you head back to work, you'll never keep it up. It is okay for baby to have formula. Soon your baby is going to be starting solids anyway.

My recommendation is have your husband make his own breakfast and lunch. Start putting baby to sleep in the crib (husband will have to adjust), and introduce formula. If your husband is the neat freak, he can do the pick up at night. I'd also give him laundry, he could do this while working.

You are getting a lot of flak from people, but I think a lot of us recognize that your husband is very controlling and not the nice guy you insist he is. Before kids, you may not have realized how much you accommodate him because it was easy. A child can't accommodate your husband's rigidity, so you are getting the brunt of your husband's frustration. He probably needs therapy.

You mentioned you don't drive. Time to become more independent. Use your weekend time to pick up this skill and take classes, you husband will be forced to watch the baby.

[Anonymous]

Do you not know how to drive OP?

[Anonymous]

Nothing wrong with wanting a clutter free home if you’ve seen some of the houses I’ve seen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nothing wrong with wanting a clutter free home if you’ve seen some of the houses I’ve seen.

Then he can do it himself

[Anonymous]

I would come across as "controlling" too, if my spouse was home with a 10 week old baby all day and i came home to a house covered with unnecessary toy mess, and my spouse was no longer able to put dishes in the DW because they were "so busy" holding a baby for 12 hours a day.

It's not controlling. He's also tired and stressed (new baby! job! this transition isn't easy for men either), and on top of all that, it turns out his wife literally doesn't get off the sofa all day long. The frustration and disappointment of which, when you're already tired and stressed, comes across as pissed off and judge-y.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would come across as "controlling" too, if my spouse was home with a 10 week old baby all day and i came home to a house covered with unnecessary toy mess, and my spouse was no longer able to put dishes in the DW because they were "so busy" holding a baby for 12 hours a day.

It's not controlling. He's also tired and stressed (new baby! job! this transition isn't easy for men either), and on top of all that, it turns out his wife literally doesn't get off the sofa all day long. The frustration and disappointment of which, when you're already tired and stressed, comes across as pissed off and judge-y.

He blew up at her because she doesn't wish to wake every three hours and pump, and also she keeps the house immaculate so as not to trigger his mental health issues, whatever issues you have about this general topic have nothing to do with this lady.