Am I Asking Husband To Do Too Much?

[Anonymous]

Stop making him breakfast and coffee. Don’t do his laundry. Don’t bother picking up the toys.

What are these nap issues you refer to? My guess is if this was a third kid you’d find a way to manage without holding him all the time because it wouldn’t be possible for you to do that.

[Anonymous]

I recommend concentrating on getting the baby to nap without holding it all the time. You're going to have to do it sometime before you return to work and getting this job done now will give you so much more free time during the day. Once you are over that hump, reassess the husband piece.

[Anonymous]

Meal prep will give you at least an hour back a day. Your husband is not working straight from 8am-7pm, I promise you. Tell him to take 30 minutes during the day to help you out with doing dishes, folding laundry, etc. he can also fold laundry while on conference calls. No one likes a mommy martyr.

[Anonymous]

What is there to clean up in terms of baby's toys? A 10 week old baby will be fascinated for 15 minutes if you hand them a plastic spoon to play with. There's no collection of tiny legos all over the place like we have with our elementary schoolers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is there to clean up in terms of baby's toys? A 10 week old baby will be fascinated for 15 minutes if you hand them a plastic spoon to play with. There's no collection of tiny legos all over the place like we have with our elementary schoolers.

This. I think OP is creating part of the problem because she doesn't really understand appropriate child development. Picking up the toys that a 10 week old plays with takes all of 30 seconds. After feeding, you plop her in a carrier and wash the bottle. There really isn't a whole lot of cleaning up after a 10 week old.

You also need to fix the nap issue.

[Anonymous]

The only thing that seems off is he should be helping clean after dinner. It's not that abnormal for you to be taking care of household stuff while the baby is sleeping. Maybe save some laundry for him that you can do while you guys are watching tv (he can fold while you watch).

But you have a weekly cleaner for the big stuff. It's not like there are tons of toys involved with a 10 week old. You guys could meal prep together instead of watching TV. All in all, the current set up doesn't sound horrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. You all with this "a baby that small is easy" either had very easy newborns, worked as infant nannies before having kids, or have forgotten what it felt like when you had a newborn, especially when they were your FIRST kid.

In *retrospect* I'd say a newborn was portable and easy (even though I didn't have a very easy baby). Compared to an older baby, and especially a toddler. But at the time?? It was totally new and kind of overwhelming! Boring, but overwhelming, if that makes sense. You all sound like the elderly women who are all "Oh, childbirth was easy, I didn't mind at all, I was milking the cows the next day."

I remember distinctly when my kid was 2 days old and we had to take her to the pediatrician for a normal newborn check. We got up at like 7 am and made an appointment for 12 pm, the TWO of us literally spent the entire time getting ready for a 10-minute drive and were STILL LATE. I don't know how! But we were!

It's great if the newborn weeks *for your first* were genuinely NBD for you, but I'm skeptical that was a common experience.

Anyway, OP-- your husband needs to be 50/50 taking care of things for the time he is home. Can you maybe use some tips and tricks to get a little more done while he's away? Sure. Can you let more things go? Sure. Is the couple of hours he spends w/the baby a good start? Yes.

But I don't get how he "relaxes" even part of the time when he's home while you do other things-- especially if you don't also get to relax part of the time. Maybe you do get a little downtime during the day, but odds are unless he's on his feet the entire workday, so does he! Do you surf the web while breastfeeding? Probably! Does he surf the web during lunch or a Zoom call? Probably!

This made me laugh. I remember that too.
I have four now, and my fourth was like a babydoll until he was about two years old. But my first seemed like so much work!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, how about asking DH to either clean up while you are putting baby to bed, or he puts baby to bed while you clean up? I would be so resentful if I had to do both those tasks while he gets to work out or relax or do whatever he wants.

OP here. I’ve had told him and asked him this several times and he said he needs to why a workout in or wants to relax because he worked all day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, how about asking DH to either clean up while you are putting baby to bed, or he puts baby to bed while you clean up? I would be so resentful if I had to do both those tasks while he gets to work out or relax or do whatever he wants.

OP here. I’ve had told him and asked him this several times and he said he needs to why a workout in or wants to relax because he worked all day.

It shouldn't be some mass cleanup. 15 min tops. If your dinner clean up is more than that, tone it down. And then create a schedule. Alternate days and then one day you do take out.

I think you also need to figure out your day. If there are all these messes being created during the day, why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has not been pulling his weight lately and thinks I’m asking for too much. We welcomed our first child ( 10 weeks old) a couple of months ago. He took paternity leave and was wonderful. He spent time bonding with the baby, did housework, and waited on me with food and water. He’s been back at work for a month now and things have taken a 180. He has not done much besides spending a couple of hours a day with the baby. I’m doing most of the childcare and housework. I have told him multiple times he needs to do more things, but he has said I should handle it since he works all day. I understand he works all day but I’m exhausted too. Having to care for a baby, who often needs to be held for naps, is not easy. He said there is ample time for me to get housework done while baby naps, but I disagree. I’m also getting up with baby once at night. I’m going back to work PT in January and told him this won’t work for me. He said he will help out more once I’m back at work, but feels I should be doing most of the childcare and housework because I’m home. I feel me asking for more help is fair. I don’t know if being unreasonable with my expectations.

In the evenings, one of you should care for the baby, while the other cooks dinner. After dinner, one should put baby to bath and bed, while the other cleans up the kitchen and playroom (is there even a playroom yet?). Then, considering you have probably put the baby to sleep early, you both get a couple hours to unwind. If this is what you mean by your DH spending a couple hours with the baby at night, then this sounds equal to me.

OP here. This is our day. We all wake up around 7. He gets to work ( works from home) and I make us breakfast and him coffee. I tend to baby who is having naps issues and requires being held. I also am very active with my baby - tummy time, reading, toys, etc.,. This repeats all day until about 6. He will take baby while I cook dinner. We eat and I put baby to bed ( 8pm bedtime) and then I clean up the kitchen and the mess. He workouts out, showers, and then e watch tv.

I would be fine if this was just during the week, but it’s weekends too. He spend almost no time actually caring for the baby solo. It’s still me. He doesn’t help with naps, feedings, or making dinner. He will play with baby for a couple minutes here and there in between working out or watching tv. I feel like I should get a break on the weekends, but he needs that time to relax because he works during the week.

1. All your "activities" with the baby might be why the baby is having nap issues, 10 week old babies don't need tons and tons of toys and stimulation.
you are probably missing sleep cues thus making it hard for the baby to nap easily.

2. On the weekends just leave the house. Go drive around for a few hours, if you are comfortable go to the shops or sit in a coffee shop and read or mess around on your phone. The point is your DH needs to be the caregiver then. He can do it, and he will figure it out.

3. As for meals have him cook on the weekends, but when it's his night to cook it's his night to do dinner no micromanaging. When you cook give yourself permission to simply the meals, try some one spot stuff so there isn't ton of clean up.

OP here. I know sleeping cues with my baby. I’m not missing them. You do know many infants this age go through phases of needing to be held, right? Baby used to sleep by independently and then 8 weeks came and that was no longer an option.

Going places is not realistic. I can’t just go sit in public with an exposure risk. I don’t drive either. It’s just not possible.

He refuses to cook on the weekends because he is too tired from the work week.

[Anonymous]

I have an 8 week old and she is so easy. If she’s not sleeping she is just lying around. Yes, I feed her often but I have three other children 7 and under who are very mom needy. If I only had the one I’d feel like I was on vacation. My husband helps out when he can but he is a doctor and works long hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So he works full time and is out of the house for ten hours then spends a few more hours with the baby everyday. Sounds very helpful to me. He is probably exhausted having to actually work unlike you that just sits around.

Are you being sarcastic here?
Either taking care of babies is easy, and it shouldn’t be a big deal to take over childcare after work if your spouse wants to get out of the house - or - taking care of children is work, and it’s understandable that your spouse wants a break after doing it all day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has not been pulling his weight lately and thinks I’m asking for too much. We welcomed our first child ( 10 weeks old) a couple of months ago. He took paternity leave and was wonderful. He spent time bonding with the baby, did housework, and waited on me with food and water. He’s been back at work for a month now and things have taken a 180. He has not done much besides spending a couple of hours a day with the baby. I’m doing most of the childcare and housework. I have told him multiple times he needs to do more things, but he has said I should handle it since he works all day. I understand he works all day but I’m exhausted too. Having to care for a baby, who often needs to be held for naps, is not easy. He said there is ample time for me to get housework done while baby naps, but I disagree. I’m also getting up with baby once at night. I’m going back to work PT in January and told him this won’t work for me. He said he will help out more once I’m back at work, but feels I should be doing most of the childcare and housework because I’m home. I feel me asking for more help is fair. I don’t know if being unreasonable with my expectations.

When the baby is small is the easiest time. Unsure how you're "exhausted" unless you're making a mess and not cleaning up after yourself. I your husband is working and supporting the family solo, you should give him more respect. It's a lot of stress (ESPECIALLY NOW) to support the family. Do you stress over taxes, bills, food, medical costs, etc? If your husband doesn't make the $$$ what happens to you and your baby? Your family?

Too often the working husband is taken for granted. Yes, being at home all day with an infant is BORING. But, it's not STRESSFUL. There is a huge difference. My wife and I went through the same thing. I operate several businesses. It's high stress and long hours. She worries about how to decorate the house. I worry about taxes, investments, employees, COVID-19, debt, etc. We're on two different levels. Perhaps you need to see how your husband views what's going on.

This is not to say he shouldn't help at all when he's home. But, after work he has a right to rest up. Again, taking care of an infant is the easy stage. Just wait. All your kid does now is eat, sleep, and poop. Just wait.

OP here. I do love and respect my husband. I tell him this all of the time. I show him how much I appreciate him.

Have you cared for a 10 week old with nap issues? I can’t let baby cry because his room shares a wall with the spare bedroom that is my husbands office. I have to do a million things a day for the house and I take care of his parents too.

It sounds like you have never cared for your child.

We have plenty of money on savings and in the bank if something were to happen. He does work hard, but raising my child doesn’t make my job any less hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, so really this sounds all about housework

How much housework are you doing? Stop. Besides taking out the trash, disposing of dirty diapers and baby's laundry ... what are you doing?? Stop.

You are going to have to lower your standards greatly

OP here. I do it all and can’t really stop because things needs to get done.

I cook all of our meals, wash bottles/pump parts, do a quick daily cleaning of all areas, pay the bills, do all the laundry ( including his), restock nursery, groceries, and order stuff for the house. He does take out the trash but that’s it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop making him breakfast and coffee. Don’t do his laundry. Don’t bother picking up the toys.

What are these nap issues you refer to? My guess is if this was a third kid you’d find a way to manage without holding him all the time because it wouldn’t be possible for you to do that.

OP here. He just doesn’t sleep unless being held now. He will wake up right away if I put him down and scream. He’s too young to sleep train and his room shares a wall with the office. He wakes up several times during his held naps. We have talked to the pediatrician and she said it’s all normal and a phase many babies go through. We can sleep train at 4 months if it doesn’t get better.